Sunday, December 28, 2008

Dec/ Chapter 5: Groundhog day

Just a warning, there are spoilers in this post, so beware if you haven't seen Groundhog day, but I strongly suggest you go see it because it's a classic.

I was watching this movie the other day, and was reminded again how great this comedy is. With most comedies it no longer stays funny after the punch lines are revealed, but in this movie the story is ao thoughtful and meaningful that watching the movie many times doesn't seem to make it dull.

Bill Murray is Phil Connors, a mean spirited and cynical weather man (roles Bill Murray often play), and he has to travel to a small town outside Pittsburg to report on groundhog day. It's an annual festival where the locals use a groundhog to predict if winter will end early or last several more weeks.

After the report and festivities, Bill attempts to leave town with his camera man and his producer, Rita. But they find a blizzard has moved in so they can't leave town. After going to bed, Phil wakes up the next day to find it's Groundhog day again, and then is forced to relive the day over and over again.

The absurdity of Phil discovering that he's repeating the same day is amusing enough. But every time that alarm clock goes off, and the radio starts playing, "I Got You Babe," and Phil goes through the same motions and meets the same people and then goes out into the street to be accosted by the same annoying high school buddy, with different outcomes is pure genious.

Then Phil starts to take advantage of the situation firstly by breaking the law and seeing if he can get away with it, and then by finding out all the details of the local girls, so he can date and have sex with them. Since he relives the same day again and again his ability to chat up the women is almost guaranteed, because if he makes a mistake he can just simply start fresh the next day, and the girls are unaware of his intentions.

After seducing other girls in the town Phil tries to seduce his producer Rita. He tries to do the same things he did with the other girls, but fails miserably, because Rita is too smart and sees right through him. He tells her that he loves her, only to get slapped because she realizes she's getting played. She may not understand the full supernatural implications of what he's doing, but she senses that he's somehow manipulating the situation. Phil may think he's a god, but he isn't all-powerful.

Seeing his failure, it finally dawns on Phil that he's in a depressing inescapable position, so tries to kill himself over and over again, and even fails at this because he still wakes up on groundhog day again and again.

Eventually he tells Rita one night whilst she is asleep, knowing full well she can't hear him that he probably doesn't deserve her love, but if she could only love him, then he would learn to love her forever. Phil realizes because he loves such a sincere woman as Rita, the only way he can finally impress her is by genuinely changing himself rather than faking it. To make himself kinder and more caring to everyone around him, to stop all the lies and manipulation, and turn into a genuine nice guy.

It is only when Rita falls in love with him, and buys him in an auction at a party, that Phil's curse is finally lifted. They wake up together the next morning (there was no sex) and find it's the next day, and Phil is able to get on with his life, and he now has Rita to share his life with.

Moral of the story?

Phil Connors must live the same day over and over again, and is forced to realize that the only real change that will ever be possible must happen within himself. It is interesting that Phil is a weatherman, the weather is a perfect metaphor for something that changes constantly...without, in the long term, changing at all. We can be distracted by the superficial changes in the world around us, and forget that real change in our lives must come from within.

If a guy is good at seduction and manipulation, he can get himself laid with half the town, but ultimately he's cursed and destined to live the rest of his life self centered and lonely. If he truly desires a wonderful woman, and true love, then he has to genuinely change himself to being a decent man.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Dec/ Chapter 4: What's with Vivian Chow?

For those of you not familiar with Vivian Chow, she's a local actress that was very famous in the early 90's in Hong Kong.

She has to be one of the best looking women in her 40's in the world. When I was in highshool, most of the guys loved her, and that was when we were 12.

For an entire decade she disappeared, and it was only in recent years that she started working again.

Recently she was on the cover of every gossip mag in Hong Kong and talk of the town, because her boyfriend (on and off) of 20 years was caught in Azure making out for 5 minutes with some 20 years old university student.

The guy has a reputation for dating beautiful women, and rumour had it that he's cheated on Vivian numerous times with other women. This time was different only because he was caught red handed.

I can't understand it. The guy is not good looking, he's not rich, Vivian Chow basically takes care of him financially. Plus he's a cheating womanizer who's done it to her, not once but numerous times. She should never have gotten back together with the guy after the first time they broke up.

Then to make things more surreal, less than a week later the two of them are all over the gossip mags again! Now she's going to get married to the guy! He obviously used all the moves I've detailed in this blog included crying his eyes out and begging for forgiveness. It's just shocking in terms of the stupidity of it all.

She's spent 20 years of her life on a guy that can't stay faithful, when she could have found a decent guy and had a chance to find happiness and have a family. It's not like he's going to stop cheating because he's marring her, some guys will never change, you just have to accept that's their nature.

Now, the guy's laughing to the bank because he's married someone that will feed his poor sorry ass.

Love is like a drug, and sometimes some relationshisp look more like tragedies.....

Monday, December 15, 2008

Dec/ Chapter 3: Love is like a drug

So people often ask why would anyone want to stick to someone that's treating them badly. I've written about it on this blog, some of you have been in that situation, and a lot of us have given advice to friends that can't seem to tear themselves away from a truly unhealthy and hurtful relationship.

The answer is this.

When we are attracted to someone, whether it's infatuation or love. Our brain releases dopamine, (a neurotransmitter) for those that aren't familiar with the scientific term, it is basically like a drug that acts on the body. This drug is extremely powerful and acts on the body and mind with similar effects to cocaine and speed.

It's why some people have suggested that falling in love is like being on drugs, because we literally are on drugs when in love. It leaves us wanting more of it, and hence we want to be with the person we're deeply attracted to. If the person rejects us, or we have to break up with that person it leaves really negative feelings of withdrawal we normally call heartache or heartbreak.

The drug is the most potent when you first start to like someone, and is so strong you can almost feel the physical effects, hence the heart pounding and butterfly in the stomach feeling.

It exlains why when someone treats us well but we're not attracted to them, we're indifferent. We simply don't have any of the drugs in our head to get us hooked. Adds new meaning to the term, "no chemistry". Meanwhile, if we're attracted to someone and they treat us like crap we're addicted to them.

The problem for us is that on the surface we all seem like logical beings that are in control, but our bodies evolved over millions of years, and our animal instincts have an aim different to our own conscious aims.

Whilst we consciously seek out happiness, and try to avoid anyone that might hurt our feelings. Our body has the aim of driving us to go forth and multiply, to find a partner and mate. Consciously we might not even want to have kids but out body plays tricks with our minds to drag us in that direction. Therefore it pumps out drugs that keeps us hooked to someone which before we had contraceptives would keep the couple together long enough to procreate.

So what does all this tell us?

1) Since the mechanism is based on attraction and not on whether someone treats us well or not. We're in big trouble if we become deeply attracted to someone that's a jerk or a bitch. When that happens they can treat us like crap for extended periods of time and we might struggle to leave them.

That's why it's very important who you pick to become a partner. Pick a good person or else they will turn against you and treat you badly one day.

2) The effects of the drug generally last a few months, and in some cases up to several years. Which partially explains why some couples are fall out of love after a period of time. Once the drug no longer has any effect then unless the couple has become very attached, they'll drift apart.

3) Some guys are constantly looking for a fresh new hit, and hence why players are unable to settle down and connect with one woman. It also explains why it's pointless to ever change a man. If a guy's acting a certain way, ie unable to commit then to get him to commit is no different from trying to change a drug addict.

4) If you get hooked on a guy or girl that's not treating you well, then the way to leave the person is similar to other methods used in getting off other forms of addiction.

a) Realize you have a problem. That the person is harmful to you and will hurt you more and more.

b) You need to stop thinking about that person, just like you need to stop thinking about an addition.

c) Find distractions

d) Link the person to negative things rather than positive things that reinforce a need for them. Ie, Stop thinking about all the happy memories together and remember that they're treating you badly.

One more thing that's explains a lot of things we experience. The more two people have sex together, the more likely they are to bond emotionally. The thing is, this mechanism works much stronger in a woman's head. Men are generally more capable of treating sex as a purely physical act that doesn't involve any emotions.

Whilst most women are also able to have sex without falling in love, the more sex you have with the same person the higher the chance you will get totally addicted to them.

For men it can be the opposite. They get the sex that they want, they don't feel connected and thus move on.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Dec/Chapter 2: The 30 year old virgin

The attached picture is from a funny scene from "The 40 year old virgin", where Steve Carell's character is trying to remove his body hair in order to look right for his date.

By the way, they actually shot the scene whilst removing his real hair to get real (painful) reactions from the actor.

I doubt there are any 40 year old virgins alive, they probably all died from sexual frustration. But I'm pretty sure there are lots of virigns in their late 20's.

In Asia I hear a lot of girls complaining that there're no nice guys, I assume they are complaining there are no nice eligible guys. After all most of the really outgoing guys I know are players. It's almost hard to believe that any virgins even exist in a place like Hong Kong, because even a guy that's totally clueless about girls can pay for a ferry ticket to Macau and pay for a pro.

So what's the deal here? Why are there guys that can't seem to get women even by their 20's?

People often forget that the dating scene is a lot tougher in Europe and North America for the average guy. There aren't as many players, in fact lots of guys have a serious problem even attracting women. When Neil Strauss wrote "The Game", it immediately became a bible for players all over the world. But it was also salvation for the average frustrated chump that lived in areas of the world where getting a girl is a lot harder.

Sometimes women forget that there are guys out there who's middle name is "rejected".

Recently friends were telling me how the dating scene is very different in Vancouver and a lot tougher on guys. A girl was telling me how a lot of her female friends were the ones cheating on their boyfriends rather than the other way around. Whilst a guy friend was telling me how he posted up a personal on an internet dating site with zero success (my friend is from Hong Kong). In the clubs there the girls can have their pick of the guys, whilst in HK girls have no idea if the guy that's hitting on them is going to be a player or not.

Things are just tougher over there for Asian guys for various reasons. The Asian girls have the choice between caucasian guys and Asian guys, whilst Asian guys have very little success with the caucasian girls. That means the available male/female ratio is immediately skewed in the Asian community.

Interesting that the sex ratio can change social dynamics so much, and give one sex so much power over another. In Hong Kong slightly more single females mean a lot more guys can act insensitive towards the girls, and can live a playboy lifestyle if they so wish. Over in Vancouver, the vice versa is true.

The only country where it seems a skewed male/female ratio doesn't change things much is in China. I still have female friends in China that complain they have problems finding nice guys. Unlike their Western counterparts, Chinese men with money will be guaranteed to attract lots of women. In the US or Canada, unless you are totally filthy rich, even if you have a nice job you might not be able to get a girlfriend.

Things are rough for both sexes, just depends on where they happen to be in the world. Most people I know are pretty mobile, but fail to look into prospects for their love lives when they move to a new country. Certainly, a place like HK is not a good place for a single girl to go.

On the other hand, some of the men that could be 30 yr old virgins in the West, and can't meet women in their home countries, come over to Asia and are like stars here.

Maybe, we should just solve the problems that affect both men and women over the oceans. Maybe we should just ship 50K guys from Vanvouver to HK, and ship 50K girls from HK to Vancouver.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Dec/Chapter 1: Growing up

Last Sat, I turned 30. I had a big party at one of the local bars, if I know you in real life then you probably went. Over a hundred people showed up and the place was packed. I was pretty happy with how the whole thing went. Having a massive party is a good way to get over the fact that I'm no longer all that young.

To be honest, even if I've changed, in my mind I don't feel much different than from when I was 25, I hardly notice the difference.

The day after the party, I had dinner with my grandparents, and my granddad told me how when he was 30, he was already raising four kids. I find it interesting that in the past people seemed to be able to get on with the important things in life a lot younger. Right now my major accomplishment is I can down a yard glass full of cocktail, plus a dozen drinks and I can still stand.

To be honest, I want to settle down, but life seems so much fun as well. As soon as kids come along then everything changes.

Which makes me think about this particular point. When does a guy settle down?

The first school of thought is that if a guy meets the right girl then he'll be ready to settle down with her. If these guys can't find the right girl then they never settle down. The idea, if I may add is probably a dangerous expectation for girls since it fuels the idea that girls can change guys.

The other school of thought is that some guys aren't ready to settle down till a certain age. Which also appears to be a bit of BS. If a guy suddenly is ready to settle down at a certain age then doesn't that seem a little forced and artificial?

You tell me, I'm not sure. I'm still recovering from the weekend.....

Friday, November 21, 2008

Nov/ Chapter 4: Dealing with problematic men

After reading the posts about abusive guys, most people asked me two questions. Firstly, why would any girl want to stick with a guy that's treating them badly?

Well the question to that is actually quite complex. The girl is in love with the guy, he's chipped away at her self confidence, he's made the situation very confusing because he's normal or even sweet a lot of the time.

The second question was how can a girl prevent herself from getting into this situation? In fact, how can a girl prevent herself from falling in love and ending up in an unhealthy relationship with any type of problematic guy?

There's three types of people that are relatively immune to deception, and manipulation, and even if they fall prey they won't put up with any crap, and will quickly move on.

Type 1, The Cynic: These are people that have been hurt in the past. Their response to being hurt is to avoid being hurt again by turning negative about the situation and see the bad side in people. Cynics are jaded people that rarely get hurt because they shield themselves from any risk of getting hurt again. But there are major problems to being a cynic.

The main problem is that by seeing the bad side in people, you remove a lot of the fun and lower the chance of actually finding happiness. If your natural response is to label all guys as jerks before exploring if a guy is genuinely interested in a healthy relationship then you'll remove any chance of finding a nice guy. In fact, the easiest way to avoid all jerks, is to simply avoid all men. You'll never get hurt, but you'll also never find happiness.

Another problem with being a cynic is that you will give off negative energy and people will sense it. Being negative is a turn off, and will drive away guys that may otherwise find you attractive.

Type 2, Having high self esteem: A person with high self esteem is less susceptible to being deceived and manipulated because they care about themselves. But the important thing is that if they do find themselves with a guy that's just there for casual sex, or not commited to a proper relationship, or abusive, they'll dump the guy and move on.

People with high self esteem are not needy, they don't need someone else to complete them, and if that person isn't going to treat them properly they will move on. They will rather be single and happy then to be with someone but miserable.

The key is to love yourself, and to realize that being in a relationship is not the goal, being happy is. Don't start getting into the position where you want to find someone so badly you are willing to put up with serious crap.

Type 3, The realist: The main difference between the realist and a cynic is that the realist learns to accept humanity for what it really is. The situation won't depress them, because rather than having high hopes and morals and then wondering why other people don't have the same standards, the realist understands that there are good and bad people and just accepts this.

A realist will understand men for what they really are, and able to read between the good and the bad. They then accept the reality and don't try to make excuses for those guys that happen to be bad, simply because they want to be with that guy.

I was at a circus the other day and the animal trainer was in a cage with a dozen lions and tigers, and I was thinking, if one of those beasts attacked and killed the trainer, you can't really blame a beast. It's the beast's nature to attack and kill for food.

If you meet and fall for a player, realize there's nothing wrong with men in general. It's just the player's nature to act the way he does, but get real, and move on. Same with all other types of problematic guys, whether they're abusive or stringing you along. Treat them the same way you would a dangerous animal, just accept that they're not going to be healthy for you and stay away from them.

The key is to remember that frees you up to then go and find someone that will be good to you.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Nov/ Chapter 3: When a snake slithers back

I used a cartoon snake because I got a friend that reads this blog and she's scared of snakes.

Cute isn't it? I really wanted to use a nasty looking snake about to bite though.

When do you do if an abusive guy (snake), calls you, tells you he loves you, misses you and needs you back? What do you think you should do?

1) Ask him to come over to talk
2) Have a long chat and find out what's up
3) Laugh then hang up the phone
4) Insult him then hang up the phone
5) Hang up the phone

I hope you picked any of the responses between 3-5.

The reason you hang up and cut off all communication is because those types of guys always lie, and never change. But if the guy is coming back to you, and says he loves you, then surely he really does love you right? If the guy is hurting badly inside surely he really cares, right?

Wrong, for abusive guys and players it's always about control, sex, and themselves. They have no interest about being in a HEALTHY relationship, it's always about them. You might desperately hope that he loves you, but that's because you love him and hope that's the case. You'll do anything in your head to make that into a reality.

The reality is that he's coming back because he needs to the security of having someone underneath him, under his control. The reality is if you get back together with the guy, he will be charming and wonderful at first then start being abusive at an all new level once you two are settled down again.

Seems like lots of women have been in abusive relationships, so it's common, don't feel bad. But see, you only get to live once and should be happy, and you deserve someone that loves you. That's why the next time he calls you should hang up on him, even if you love him, he's just not going to be good for you. Put him in the same category as heroine, or anything that's going to make you real high and then crush you real hard later.

I know it's difficult to tell someone you may still love to back off, when it means you will be alone and possibly lonely. But I guarantee if you leave the guy, years later you will wonder why you even wasted so much time on him, and that the whole episode had nothing to do with love. Here's some stuff to get you get over a bad guy.

1) Make some new friends, or hang out with existing friends more.
2) Find new hobbies, you'll be surprised how much more spare time you have and how much you can learn.
3) Treat yourself to things that will make you feel better. Go shopping or go for a walk in the park.

Remember when you've sacrificed so much for a guy, and he's turned out to be just a jerk, you deserve to go treat at least one person right, and that's you.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Nov/ Chapter 2: Abusive men

I decided to make this post after a friend of mine came to me about giving advice to a friend of hers that has been dating an abusive boyfriend.

The guy was friends with the girl for 6 months prior to them starting the relationship. Everything was good, then 3 months into the relationship they got into an arguement and he hit her. From then on it got worse and the guy would often blame his own behavior on her provoking him. Then she started blaming herself.

The guy then cheated with on her with numerous different women and told her about it, and put the blame on her for dating guys whilst they were still friends!

Abusive men are much more common than people realize. In America alone 4 million women experience serious assult from a male partner each year, yeah, that's each year. It's a very common problem and after writing this blog I've heard numerous stories of girls that have been abused in the past. I would guess close to 10% of girls have been in relationships with abusive guys.

People are often confused as to why any woman would put up with abuse and why they don't just walk away. But abusive relationships never start that way, in the beginning the guy always acts very sweet. If guys are abusive at the start then the girl would obviously dump the guy for someone better.

There are two types of abuse, emotional and physical. An abusive man is often skilled in pushing the blame, to make the girl think she isn't good enough or that everything is her fault. That's why many girls hang on to abusive guys, because they think they've done something wrong that's made the sweet guy turn abusive. When in fact the guy had a problem to begin with and was just hiding his real personality during the courtship phase of the relationship.

After abusing the girl, whether physically or psychologically with control games such as jealousy and blame (in my friend's friend's case the guy accused her of seeing other guys prior to them hooking up), the abusive guy will always tell the girl he loves her and will change so that the girl won't leave. He may even cry, and act desperate. In fact most abusive men are survivors of abuse themselves, and have pretty low self esteem as well as distorted perception of relationships that are extremely unhealthy.

When the girl takes the guy back, he starts to gain control, and the more times the girl takes the guy back, the more control he will gain. This is usually because the girl will get more and more confused and her self esteem is lowered. The apologies will often also be accompanied with empty promises of change that keeps the girl "hooked" in the relationship for the hope of change in the guy.

Basically, the girl starts thinking she's the one that's wrong, and desperately hopes that the guy's going to change back to the sweet guy she first met.

Here's the key point.......... Abusive men cannot change without long term therapy. They will not change or start treating a girl well. The only option a girl has if she really cares for the guy is to force him to get professional help, which he will resist because most abusive guys don't realize they have a problem.

If a girl leaves the guy he will start to cry and beg for forgiveness, but she can't go back till he's completed long term therapy successfully. When a girl leave an abusive guy be prepared for his behavior to get even more erratic and the abuse to get worse. If the girl goes back because he's begging for forgiveness, the cycle is only going to get worse.

Signs that a guy is abusive.

1. He's jealous and possessive - views his woman as his property instead of an unique individual. Becomes jealous of the girl spending time with family, friends and co-workers. Starts asking where the girl's been in an accusatory manner. Accuses the girl of cheating, or flirting with other men without cause.

2. Control - He's overly demanding of the girl's time and must be the center of her attention. Becomes angry if she's showing signs of independence and strength. Starts to control the activities the girl can partake in,

3. Superiority - He's always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be right by blaming the girl or others, so it's rarely his own fault. A verbally abusive man will talk down to or call the girl names to make himself feel better. His goal is to make the girl feel weak so he can be powerful. Even the guy's not aware he's doing this because he's actually insecure and power makes him feel better about himself.

4. Manipulative. Tells the girl she's crazy or stupid so the blames on her. Tries to make the girl feel it's her fault he's abusive.

5. Mood swings - His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occured.

6. Actions don't match words - says sorry and promises not to be abusive again if the girl tries to leave him. Will beg for forgiveness if the girl tries to leave.

7. Disrespects women - Shows no respet for women, even family memebers. Or he sees women as just sex objects rather than unique individuals.

If you read this and your boyfriend has one of more of the above traits then he probably needs professional help. If your friend is dating a problematic guy then consider telling them to read this post and getting help for their boyfriend, and if he doesn't seek help, leave the guy and never going back.

Remember, most abusive guys are very normal in everyday life, could even be popular socially or successful at work. It's only in the security of a relationship where he can't be judged in public that he goes nuts.


Sunday, November 2, 2008

Nov/ Chapter 1: Make up

I was chatting to a few friends about the book I'm writing and the second part of it is basically a guide to teach women how to better communicate with men in ways that actually gets through to us. In other words strategies that makes a guy appreciate a girl more, and ultimately he won't lose interest in the relationship.

A couple of the girls immediately got agitated and asked why they have to compromise or change in any way to get a guy? They would rather stay single for life than to make any changes for a guy.

Well first of all, we all make changes to our behaviour to fit in with other humans. We are better behaved at work, we treat out boss and professional contacts with respect. Of course, it's different in a relationship, we are after all trying to be ourselves and enjoy ourselves in a relationship. But what if being ourselves doesn't effectively communicate to and get through to our partners? What if we need to act and talk in ways the other sex actually understands and appreaciates?

Guys understand we need to change our behavior just to get girls interested in the first place. Girls say they like nice guys but are actually attracted to fun, and confidence. That's why there's a phrase nice guys come last. If we chase too hard or really like a girl too much at the beginning, it makes us look nervous and needy and it drives off girls.

Girls face another problem. Although girls dump guys all the time, many girls face the problem of their boyfriends losing interet in a relationship, and there are psychological reasons why guys do that.

One of my friends still disagreed, and the funny thing is she started applying make up in front of me. The application of make up is an artifical act and behavior women learn from an early age to make themselves more attractive. If the standard is that women shouldn't make any changes to get men interested then women shouldn't take all that time to wear make up, or to dress sexy for a night out.

Some behaviors are so ingrained in human psyche that we've internalized them and they come natural to us. We don't even think about them anymore. That includes women applying make up and dozens of other behaviors women already have that makes them more attractive to men. They're just not aware of the implications because it's all subconscious.

What I didn't want to point out is that my friend just didn't want to change because she consciously didn't want to back down in anyway. If we don't make any compromises in relationships, then we work against ourselves. There's a fine balance between catering to someone just to fit in and making ourselves more attractive.

In any case my friend already had many guys chase after her, because she made sure she looked good and at the same time she was a strong girl that wasn't needy and maintained her own goals in life. Those are attractive qualities that are appealing to men and women. Other changes include not nagging but communicating more effectively, and not catering to a man's every needs which spoils the guy.

There are two types of changes that both men and women can make. One is to make oneself more attractive by increasing the positive traits we have. The other is to play games and use trickery. The second type of change is not sustainable if we're going to be with someone for life.

Remember, if you apply make up badly, it's gonna look real ugly.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Oct/ Chapter 2: The Credit Crunch and dating

I'm a banker, and these are scary times for bankers. We're at the front lines of the current credit crunch, and we can see and understand the implications of what's happening on the wider economy. Lots of bankers expect to have no bonus this year and some of us will lose our jobs.

But are the times really that bad or have we gotten too comfortable with our easy lifestyles? Our grandparents had to live through a global war, and their parents had to live through the great depression. Both events that were much worse than what we're facing now.

In 1933, by the end of the great depression, the unemployment rate had risen to 25% in the US. That's unlikely to happen now, but it won't be surprising if the unemployment rate hits 10% in the US from this mess, and the banking industry could well cut 25% of the global banking work force.

Back then, people stuck together at the worst of times. But in the modern era, most people find it hard to even stick with one person at the best of times. We've gotten real picky, and people can afford to go out and date lots of partners before ever considering settling down for one.

Will dating patterns change now that the shit has hit the fan? Maybe.......

Certainly when I pick a girl now, I want someone that's going to stick with me through the good times and the bad. Isn't that meant to be in the marriage vows? I don't want to date anyone that wants me to buy them Prada hand bags, or Jimmy Choos. What if I lost my job next week? The girl's not even happy if I don't take her out to the best resturants, is she going to really queue up with me when I need to go to the soap kitchen for free food?

Most probably not.

Food for thought........when finding a partner, make sure they will stick around during the recession.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Oct/ Chapter 1: We're screwed...

The other day I had an interesting night. Primarily because I was with several players out clubbing. It was also interesting because I got all depressed and shit.

Never start moralizing when out having a good time, especially when drinking.

The guys were all from Shanghai and all very cool guys. We had girls all around us. But something was bothering me the whole night. It all started when my friend started complaining as usual that he couldn't find any nice girls, and wanted to seriously settle down and get married. But when we got to the club his eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store, and he would comment on a dozen girls being cute, then go hit on a couple.

I've told him many times before. The key to settling down is to quit the partying lifestyle altogether. Some people are able to control it, for other like us meeting too many girls is just a major distraction from finding that "special one".

Then I started chatting to one of the other guys, who obviously wasn't ready to settle down, but sounded depressing never the less. I asked him what it was like clubbing and partying in Shanghai, and what are the girls like. He told me it was starting to suck, because he was getting too many girls, and the local girls were boring. It was so easy to get girls he was losing all his hunting skills, because he was literally being spoon fed.

How depressing, I felt like I was talking to a prisoner in Guantanamo Bay that was on hunger strike, and being force fed to stay alive..........I've been there though. Imagine going through the same repetitive and fake conversations with someone time and time again, just to get laid.

I started asking a third guy about this issue, the issue of the Shanghai lifestyle, and he agreed. It's just too intoxicating, and he was worried it would suck him in, and rather than enjoying it, it would start controlling him. That sometimes he just wanted a quiet weekend, but then would get lots of phone calls from people asking him to go out. That he wanted to keep a moral self, but it was impossible with so much temptation flying around.

That's when it hit me, I was feeling exactly the same.

Whilst I was contemplating these serious thoughts and at the same time was chucking down my vodka redbull I glanced across the club and saw a guy I knew. The guy had a really nice girlfriend, I knew her as well, but he had his arm around some other girl.

That's when I got all depressed and shit, because I realized it wasn't the girls we hurt that were screwed. It was us, the jokes on us......

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Sep/ Chapter 6: Trading up

I was at a barbecue the other night and got into a discussion with a couple of people about an interesting topic. At the beginning one person brought up a really messed up story about some guy that slept with his best friend's wife.

The topic then changed to a hypothetical situation. What happens if your friend and his/her ex had a bad break up, and you knew your friend would not want you to date his or her ex. It's off limit territory and by dating your friend's ex, you would lose your friend. What would you do?

For me personally, I wouldn't even go near my friend's ex, I wouldn't get close enough in the first place to even get emotionally attached. That's because there are plenty of girls out there, why would I want to go hitting on a girl that's going to lose me a friend?

I thought the answer was obvious and everyone would naturally pick to avoid a relationship with the friend's ex, and preserve the friendship. But two people (one guy, one girl) in the discussion said, their natural choice would be to date the friend's ex, even if it meant losing the friend. This came as some what of a shock to me, since I thought their choice was so blatantly wrong.

So I said that didn't make sense. First of all the there wasn't even a guarantee that the friend's ex was going to be "the one". It might just be like every other relationship that didn't work, but the friendship would be ruined. I said it made no sense to trade something that was certain (the friendship) for something which was very uncertain (finding the one).

The guy I was debating with then said he still stuck with his choice, because it was like investing and taking risk. He said many people would rather buy stocks which had the risk of falling in value, but had a much bigger upside, than buying US treasury (government) bonds which had a fixed low rate of return but had no downside risk. The friend was meant to be like government bonds, provided a low rate of return, whilst the friend's ex, whilst not guaranteed to be "the one" might turn out to be the love he's been looking for all his life. (The guy was a banker)

Ok fine, but what about the fact that there were so many people out there in the first place? Every guy or girl out there could be the one! Why go for someone that would mean losing a friend? Both the guy and the girl then argued that friends come and go as well. I wasn't surprised they made this comment since Hong Kong was full of transient people that moved a lot and were very mobile.

I left the debate at that, but I thought, well I definitely wouldn't want to be their friend. If my friendship and the value of it was simply based on what type of returns I could provide for them, then that's not real friendship.

I also didn't tell them that their approach was going to hurt them in the long run as well, because it was selfish, and whilst they had justified it in their mind, it was the very same mentality which would prevent them from finding "the one". See, if they were so pre-occupied with finding the one and trading up, and willing to sacrifice a friendship for something that wasn't even certain, if they were in a relationship and problems developed they would do the same. They would find someone new that wasn't guaranteed to be better but might just provide better returns.

But in the long run there was only one thing they was certain. They were actually increasing the chance that they will never be satisfied, constantly looking to trade up, and ultimately single or lonely.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Sep/ Chapter 5: By request

The following were sent to me by girls that wanted this posted on the blog:

First piece:

Top ten reasons why ladies today are still single!!:

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome, and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think women are only after their money.
7. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think women are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think women are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy nd NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in women when they take the initiative.

*** May I just add, I think women are single because they are too picky!

Second piece:

One of my friends recently had a fling with this guy, the guy was staying at a hotel and traveled a lot for business. One morning he told her he was leaving for work for a week and will be back a week later. Of course the guy doesn't call, and would only answer coldly to my friends messages. So my friend gave up.

Last weekend, my friend was at a party and saw him. He was talking to some people so she didn't feel like going over to chat. He finally left with some girl, and my friend asked her friend who the fat chick was that left with her guy. The friend said "She's not fat, she's pregnant. That's his wife and they've been married for ages, she moved over to Hong Kong 3 weeks ago"

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Sep/ Chapter4: Suck my dick......

The most interesting thing about a player is, when you ask a player if he's a player, some genuinely don't think so. It's like some sort of psychological state of denial to protect themselves. This happens because generally most people like to think of themselves as good people, and lets face it. Even if it’s more acceptable for a guy to be a player, its still a negative connotation if you say a dude is a dog.
The player likes to say.....they just love women, not that they're horny bastards who cant control themselves and don’t give a fuck if they hurt someone.

Similarly if you ask most gold diggers if she's a gold digger, few women would say "yes, in fact i am". No one wants to think of themselves as bad or selfish people even if they are. It’s a rare person who can look in the mirror and accept all that they are. To avoid guilt most people have protection mechanisms called denial, and justification.

The most common form of justification I’ve heard from players is "if a girl comes out to play, she knows what she’s getting herself into". Pushing the blame on to the victim is a well known psychological process that’s common amongst those guilty of a crime that hurts another human being. How a player treats his "target" is much the same, by blaming the victim the player avoids any guilt associated with doing something they actually know is bad.

Recently I let a couple of girls know who James Bond was. If you don't know who I am refering to, it's not the James Bond in the movies, but a guy I know. I talk about him in an old post in June. He's called James Bond because he's the most successful player I know. I told the girls because I know how the scene works and I just want my female friends to know who my player friends are to avoid any of them getting hurt.

James Bond found out.

In response he sent me a couple of messages on facebook. I've been trying to interview James Bond for months, to find out exactly how he operates. Ironically now that he's pissed off he's speaking with his heart and revealing a lot more about how a player thinks.:

"Could you stop backstabbing me by telling others that I’m a playboy/I have a lot of GFs? You don’t even know me and I treated you as a friend……." Then deletes me on facebook.

I wrote back saying, what’s the big deal? I tell my friends I am a player too.

"Stop finding yourself excuses as it does not make any fucking sense to me man. you are just a loser, period. I can’t consider you as a friend anymore. No decent guy friends of mine would say things like that, grow up and be a man with honor. All I can see is a selfish ass who stabs his friends for girls."

Now I got mad, because I don't mind if a priest gave me a lecture about "decency", "honor", and "selfisness". But the biggest player I know!? Here's my response to the guy:

1) First of all, I am not close to you. I’ve been clubbing with you less than half a dozen times, dinner once, and I was invited to one Taipei trip together because I would be a good wing man. It’s not like I would have been invited if I was a 400 lb ugly fat fuck, that would not have fit in well with a clubbing crew. Lets be honest, right?

2) Don’t talk to me about honor. That’s like a thief telling another thief to have honor amongst thieves. A long time ago I realized there were only strong/weak, good/bad in this world. I’ll rather protect a "good" female friend than a fucked in the head "bad" male friend. Look in the dictionary, honor means integrity and dignity. Honor is not about fucking a different girl every other week, then going to a club and finding a new girl. It’s only because I do have honor that I warn my female friends, rather than stay quiet and watch as they become prey.

3) Only a player would assume that someone warning girls is actually backstabbing him to get girls. Of course it "makes no fucking sense" when I tell girls I am a player, anyone that does that significantly lowers their chance of getting that girl. Most players wouldn't get this because they think with their dick, and assumes everyone else does the same. Seriously there couldn't be a better definition of selfishness than a guy who's dick's more important than everything else around him.

4) Players should just face the fact that they’re players, be a fucking man and admit to it. It's only decent to stop pretending to be a nice guy. Why pretend to have any decency, date, use, then dump a girl? Have the balls to tell girls that you’re sleeping around, and then if the girl still wants to have sex with you, she’s made the conscious choice. Don’t lead her on into thinking you will be her boyfriend and then break her heart.

5) If you don’t want to be a honorable man, that’s fine. I'm not exactly a saint myself, and I'm not going to shove morality and moral highground down your throat. But if and when you meet female friends of mine I will tell them you are a player to protect them.

If people can't take the reputational heat, then maybe they shouldn't have done it in the first place. That goes for Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer, and James Bond.

*Ok, now that you've read this post. What's your opinion? Was it right for me to warn female friends the guy's a player? Two guys, have said the following: It wasn't your business to get involved, and besides, getting hurt is a process through which the girls grow and learn about relationships and guys.
Two girls on the other hand have said it was reasonable to warn the girls. If they were the girls, they would definitely have preferred to have known.

Hmm, seems like what people think is reasonable or not is divided along gender lines.

What's your stance?

Saturday, September 13, 2008

How to get a guy to settle down part 9: Playing hard to get

I have a female friend that's really pretty and she's very nice, but she's been single for a long time, so I asked a few questions to find out why. I then realised the girl was probably acting too defensive when guys approached her, and it came off as playing hard to get, and she was conveying "not interested" without realising it.

Playing hard to get doesn't work.........let me explain why.

I recently bought a bunch of books for research in preparation for a book I want to write, and I realised several of the most popular self help books on the market basically just teach women how to play hard to get. Now I know why those books got so popular, because they are written in a way which come off as empowering to women. The impression they give is, if you are too nice you will only get hurt (which is true if you're unlucky) but if you play hard to get you'll definitely get the guy you want, which is a big friggin lie. One book even said that if you play hard to get even the biggest player in the world will fall for you. That's just a lie, and not surprising considering the book was written by authors that were advocating games and deception.

Even if you could get the biggest player in the world to fall for you, why would you even want such a man? Men don't really change, and if you marry a big player there's greater chance the guy's just going to fuck around later when you're married.

Now, some girls would say the ideas in these books actually work. But that's because by playing hard to get you guarantee two things. One, the guys that don't really like you will by put off and quit chasing, that includes the players. Two, you'll be so self absorbed by your happiness, you, yourself, and not getting YOURSELF hurt, that you will love the guy less than he loves you, and that's always a good way to reduce the chances of getting hurt.

Ok, so it's not easy finding someone that loves you the same as you love them, in most relationships one person is more in love. That's true even for many married couples. But manipulation is unnatural, it's tiring and will only create problems years later when it creates a series of other problems.

Playing hard to get also only works on those that are blindly and crazily in love with you in the first place. What the books suggest is that men like challenges, so as soon as you play hard to get you drive men raving mad and every man wants to buy you a wedding ring. Now it works more on guys that enjoy a challenge, but that doesn't mean the guy's necessarily going to be a good partner, because many players and stringers also enjoy challenges and they're the ones that will be problematic in a relationship later on.

Meanwhile when you play hard to get you turn off three groups of men that generally make good partners. Firstly the intuitive, perceptive types that understand people clearly and can tell when they're being jerked around. Secondly, the introverted shy tpyes, who'll make a good partner but needs an encouraging pull rather than a shove away. Last but not least, the guys that have been hurt just like yourself, and don't ever want to go near a woman that's playing games.

The key ladies is to not be easy, and to retain your independence. "Playing hard to get" and "not being easy" are not the same thing, work it out.......The key to happiness is a balancing issue, which is to love someone but also to love yourself and protect yourself at the same time.

So how not to be easy?

Firstly, do not ever have sex with a guy too soon. In fact, if a guy asks you to spend the night with him on the first two dates, say bye forever. Guys are not stupid, they know women don't want to have sex too soon. So the guys that want to have sex with you on the first couple of dates either view you as a sex object, or doesn't really like you because if he did he knows he should wait. Don't buy all that, "hey baby I like you a lot, so want to be with you" crap. Have a little dignity and realise even if you like the guy, he's dick is more important than you and don't call him again. Or you have sex with him if you think he's cute, but you better be aware it was just sex!

After the first couple of dates he might start trying but you shouldn't have sex with a guy in the first month you're seeing him. That way you get to learn a lot about each other, and he developes feelings for you, rather than the sex just being a physical act.

The other thing about not being easy is how to act once you're already in a stable relationship. Do not turn into the guy's mum or maid on call. That's the quickest way for a guy to start losing interest in you. Don't always be the one to go over to a guys place every time he wants you. If you're going to be a dial-a-hug, dial-a-maid or worse, dial-a-fuck, he's going to take you for granted. That's because he knows you love him so much you're willing to be on call.

You can help but do not clean up the guy's place regularly. You're not a maid or his mum, if you don't like his place being messy tell him to clean it up himself or hire a maid or you're going to dump him. Always make sure the guy knows if he doesn't treat you right, you will leave him.

The problem with loving a person too much is if that person starts taking you for granted, they will start pushing the limits of what they can get away with. The person that's more in love will give way because they're scared if they don't it will cause conflict and they will lose the one they love. Little do they know that simply by giving way, and doing everything the other person wants, they're already on the path to losing them. Even if they don't lose the guy, they're going to be on the path to a terribly unhappy relationship.

Plus, maids and mums are boring. Guys want to date someone that's fun and exciting, just like girls want to date guys that are fun and exciting. People that are going to be an adventure to be with rather than boring, are generally more attractive to the opposite sex.

Not being easy is not an excuse to be a bitch either, to act detached, alof or abrasive. I know there's a lot of selfish bitches out there that wonder why they're alone. Well...........because you're a selfish bitch! What the vast majority of men want is a woman that's indepedent, and not a push over, but at the same time still caring and supportive. Remember, it's not about playing hard to get. It's about balance! This is what seperates the girls that men will date for years and then break up with, and the ones they want to marry.

Also, if you're still wondering why you don't have a man, it's because you need to get out there in the first place. You can't meet men staying at home, so join clubs, go to more social events and even go speed dating. Just meet more guys, and be willing to flirt. Get a bigger pool to pick from, just be more selective and don't be easy once you get into the whole courtship process with a guy.

Confused? No one said it was going to be easy. If you've got questions you can't contact me on facebook, or read the book when it comes out.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Sep/ Chapter 3: Psycho?

Below is a post a woman actually made in a personal ad. It was forwarded to me by a friend who said it's a real ad. I'm not so sure, but considering this is Hong Kong, I'm not surprised if it is real. My advice is not to post an ad like this, or to expect any man will ever want a woman like this.


I am hoping to have a handsome, very nice and normal CAUCASIAN gentleman who can be my husband. I have seen some European men can get married with HK women after they met a couple weeks right away so I take this chance for myself. Honestly I do not expect that we have to be a perfect match to fall in love. I wish I can meet you in the right time for a serious long term relationship and develop a family right away together. If you can't meet my expectations and demanding, please simply do not reply. I know that a handsome, good and very nice Caucasian gentleman can make decision quickly. I hope you are with the VERY BEST INTENTIONS AND EXCELLENT PROPOSAL for me !! In case, you are a honorable person you should provide this road map to me with clear milestones. In case, you don't have firm intentions to be with me, please leave me out of any games and stay away. I may not hit the right tone sometimes but I believe I express my wish and goals in a very clear manner. I believe action speaks louder than words. I promise you this is a real posting, not a spam or fake so please be ready if you are a real gentleman for this sweetheart. I would like to show you how men cheated here on this site. I hope you are all about envisioning what I want for my life which will help manifest my dreams. You let my desires be known! Sorry, I do not have so much time for all BS.

PLEASE tell me something about yourself and send your RECENT PHOTOS, CONTACT DETAILS and TELEPHONE NO. If you do not give your information then I will just pass 'Delete'. You are ready getting into the airplane; coming to meet me in Hong Kong IMMEDIATELY. I won't be afraid to take a few risks but I would not travel all the way to USA or Europe or anywhere so you'd better come and meet me in Hong Kong first, however I would consider to travel and move once I clarified your identity.


1. If you come here only for your business trip or just for fun, not for keeps then please go for NEXT. I am NOT interested to be your temporary companion or FREE tour guide.

2. You are ready to devote your life to establishing and building a strong and serious long term relationship leading to marriage and to have our own beautiful babies together soon. You want to have our own 1-2 kids in the future who can learn and play with my ideal future husband.

3. You are personal financially very stable and secured - RICH. You can give me everything what I need and want with actions because of LOVE. You should / can afford the whole family. You can give and share your wealth with real proofs and actions. I know some nice caucasian gentlemen can do it for their women.

4. You are healthy and fit, not a drinker/smoker, no cigar and drug, thanks ! You are not into the bars very much !! You like to eat everything if the food is good. Yes, I can cook yummy western and eastern food but not every day. I am scared of too oily food. I like dining out as well.

5. You're willing to travel to Hong Kong and meet me in person and my parents. YES, we can travel or move to anywhere of the world !!

6. You appreciate "staying home woman" who can add values being with you but I am not your maid and you are not looking for a career woman.

7. I want to show you what it means to have a loyal partner (not a fooling pig) who will completely commit myself to ONE VERY NICE GENTLEMAN.

8. You are not a big sport fans. I mean you do not watch sports channels all the time and play sports all the time during all weekends !!

9. You are in the age around late 30s- 40s years old; good and clean shape, WHITE, HANDSOME. YOU MUST BE VERY SINGLE.

10. Easy to talk to but SERIOUS, ROMANCE, CARING, RESPONSIBLE FOR ME, ONE WOMAN MAN. I do not want to have HIV.

11. You have to accept everything good and bad of me.

12. You are not in any religions because I am not.

13. You do not carry your ex. baggage and you do not talk to other women. You have never married with no kids. If you are divorced then I would consider it if you are for real but please do not give me your ex. baggage and lies !!!!

14. You don't let any gossips or comments and then you let go your ambition and confident. You'll always protect and love me.

This is SHE.

1. Hong Kong Born, Middle 30s, realistic, direct, straight, slim-slender with long brown hair and eyes, quite pretty and look younger as some people said !

2. I am wanting to marry with A Handsome, Very Nice, Normal Caucasian Gentleman for a serious long term relationship leading to marriage who is SIMPLE, HONEST, SINCERE, PASSIONATE and UPFRONT WITH ME seriously.

3. Liked dress very casual to classy dress up.

4. I am not into bar sense pretty much. I do not like to pick any guys or being picked at the bars. I usually hang out with my friends once in a while.

5. I do not smoke and drink socially (just a couple of beer or wine), no drug, thanks !

6. I am in an INTERNATIONAL city (HONG KONG).

7. I prefer MONOGAMOUS relationship - NOT COMPLICATED.

8. I have never married with no kids.

9. I am willing to relocate to be with you and you must have to arrange all things for me.

10. I could not be with any men who's very selfish and cared about himself more than me !

11. I do not think highly of myself. I don't have to tell you what is my education because I am not applying a job here. It makes a lot of senses. A job should not be related to a personal relationship. Some people like this way to have their relationships but at the end, the relationships did not work out after a certain years what I have known. I do not mess up my relationships.

12. I am not a superstar.

PLEASE DO IT, PLEASE DO NOT JUST SAY IT. IT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE !!! Again, please read my posting clearly before you decided to response ! Please do not bother me if you cannot meet my expectations and demanding. I am not interested in any playboys, fakers and old men who plays games all time !!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Sep/ Chapter 2: Dating Amnesia

Sorry I haven’t updated the blog in a while. I’ve been partying pretty hard, and also been busy doing research for a book I will be writing in the near future.

One of the things that intrigues me about this blog is the reaction I’ve gotten from girls when I tell them about it. When I introduce this blog to girls that are single, and especially those that have been hurt badly by guys or have problems getting the right man, they will vigorously read it, and try to learn as much about men as possible.
The girls also seem very opinionated about the whole topic. That’s because when a girl’s single most of the men aren’t even datable to her, and of the men that do seem to be datable, there’s a high probability that man will end up hurting her feelings. So she wants to learn strategies that will help her get the right man and avoid the players.

That seems to all change when girls get into a relationship. When I introduce a girl that’s in a relationship to this blog, that girl will usually be indifferent to the existence of the blog. They don’t feel like they need to learn about men, or the truth behind how men think, because they naturally assume their man is not a player or stringer. Even if they realize their man is not going to commit, they hope they can change the man.

It’s like girls that are dating all of a sudden forget what it’s like to be single. They get dating amnesia, which means they forget the circumstances of the pervious breakups. All of a sudden they don’t think the laws of dating, and the nature of men applies to the man they're with anymore.

Strangely I've seen this type of behavior before when I used to visit online forums. You see it exhibited by people that feel strongly about something. You tend to see it the most when it comes to strong religious or political opinions. If someone wants to believe in something bad enough, then whenever a new piece of data comes along that contradicts their belief, the person will tend to shut out the new piece of data or assume it's wrong, even if it's logical and disproves their belief.
Some girls start to believe early on in a relationship their man's going to be different from all the other men before, and don't want information which might prove otherwise. But really, the man should earn this trust.

The truth is, every single boyfriend include the current one the girl is dating has only one thing in common. The guy’s capable of hurting the girl, whether the guy is actually the one is usually down to luck, or better picking on the girl's part (Hence this blog). So even if a girl is happy, she should still take the time to understand men. Getting an insurance policy doesn’t mean wanting trouble to happen, it’s just about being prepared in case you have a case of bad luck.

Hopefully, everyone ends up with the jackpot guy. Men that will be all over their girlfriend and wives, and the relationship is perfect. But until you get a rock the size of a pea, it’s always a good idea to keep reading and learning.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Sep/ Chapter 1: Individuality, good or bad?

The other day I started wondering if we’re better off or worse since society dramatically liberalized in the 1960’s, and people followed the rigid rules of society a lot less. These days there is greater emphasis on individualism and doing what we feel like doing.

In the past there were certain standards for behavior which fewer people follow now. But those standards wheren't necessarily creating the best results. Fewer people had sex before marriage back then so it was common for people to end up with someone they were not sexually compatible with. Also, people felt obligated to marry for the sake of marrying, marrying someone to please their parents and also sticking with unhappy marriages rather than divorce.

More liberal thinking allowed people to avoid messy marriages. People could now date many people before marriage, have a lot more fun in the process and also figure out what they wanted out of a partner. People now know what they want, and would rather stay single than get into an unhappy marriage.

But have we now swung over to the other extreme? Are people worse off than about 20 years ago? More than one people has complained that the dating scene has gotten a lot worse, and both guys and girls are a lot more selfish, and manipulative. Gone are the days when people seemed to respect each other, now people will do whatever is best for themselves, without worrying whether it was going to hurt the person they’ve been with.

The reason it’s gotten really bad is simply because we now follow our instincts more and more, and do what we feel like doing. But as I’ve discussed many times on this blog previously, our instincts are probably harmful to us. At least in a modern society with morals, doing exactly what we want is going to create a slippery slope downwards.

People these days don’t want to be told what to do, they don’t want to feel any sort of guilt or be judged in any way. They just want to do what feels best, and that to an extent is sad. Sad because although we’ve progressed as a society, in terms of the dating scene we’re more animal like than we were 50 years ago. More promiscuous as a society, less faithful, and have no concern on the affect our actions have on others.

I was having drinks with a friend the other night, and she told me out of 10 married expat couples she knew that got married in Hong Kong, in all cases the men had asked prior to proposing to be given a few months to split up and enjoy their single life. Which means basically go crazy and fuck around prior to getting married.

I explained to her that’s just guys getting scared they will lose their freedom forever, and following their instinctive needs to go sleep with multiple women. We are after all just smart animals, and still have our instincts that have taken millions of years to evolve. Even girls are the same except they have different needs from men. But then she came up with a good counter arguement:

“Isn’t it sad that in this day and age, we can’t even trust the one we want to spend the rest of our lives with? That the institution of marriage is no longer sacred, and women are just marrying ‘smart animals?’ “

Yeah, how very sad indeed………Maybe our society has gone to the other wrong extreme and people should control themselves a little more.

Monday, August 25, 2008

How to get a guy to settle part 8: Love someone who loves you

So, what other ways to find out if a guy’s going to be the committed type and not just stringing you along? Well the simple and seemingly obvious answer is to like only those guys that love you, and going to treat you well.

But to do this, you might need to have the strength to control your own instincts and figure out what you deem attractive.

Now, as explained at the beginning of this blog. Women are instinctively attracted to "bad guys". Firstly a guy that’s outgoing will naturally be able to get more women, and doesn't need to stick with one girl. Secondly, as explained in Chapter 2 in June if a women has children with a guy that can reproduce with more women (usually an alpha male type) then if she has a son with this guy, her son will also be more promiscuous, hence sleep around and also pass her genes on.

You might think that’s ridiculous, women don’t pick men that sleep around. "Give me a break! Women want nice guys!" you say. But speaking from personal experience, and many other guys will testify to this. Nice guys come last, and women are more likely to pick "bad guys". When I was younger I learnt to stop caring for girls so much when I was chasing them. When I didn’t really like a girl but just wanted to get a her in bed, I came off as cool and fun to be with, and I would be more likely to get the girl. But whenever I really cared about a girl, it would show and I would come off as needy and desperate, the girl would lose interest, and I would get my feelings hurt.

Haha, don’t go awwww. I’m being very serious here, and it’s all true.

People that really care may sometimes try a bit too hard, and come off desperate, clingy, and needy. As I said before even players can end up getting their hearts broken, because the irony is on the rare occasions the player really was serious about someone, that someone didn’t care back.

That just shows that it’s not only about the looks or how eligible a guy is. When a guy doesn’t care, he scores higher on list 1, and the woman is naturally attracted to him. But it’s hard to tell if he’s going to score high or low on list 3. Players don't broadcast their intentions and that's the secret to their success. The guy could be sleeping with 5 girls at the same time, and as long as the girl doesn’t find out, because she likes him, she will naturally assume he scores high on list 3. If she really likes him she won't even care if he scores low!

Now, when I say nice guys I don’t mean an ugly guy you find repulsive. I mean a decent looking guy that’s interesting, but you start losing interest because he’s calling you 5 times a day, and always wants to see you. You’re probably losing interest because he’s coming off as desperate and needy. But he’s probably not a loser, it’s more likely he just really cares about you. If the definition of a loser is someone that breaks your heart, then it’s probably more likely a guy that’s cool, confident, but indifferent will be that loser, than someone that comes off as needy.

It may seem so obvious, but you’ll be surprised how women are driven by instinct to like "bad guys", and ignore the guys that will actually treat them well. Some women learn to give up on players earlier in life after being hurt, but many women in their 30's will still end up dating men that are interesting but won’t commit.

Another way to spot if someone’s going to score low on list 3 is to find out how they treat other people. A guy that’s generally good with a good heart is less likely to cheat on you or use you, because it’s not in his nature. But if a guy is shit to others, then he’s likely to be shit to all girls. I posted earlier about narcissists, people that love themselves too much and will be bad partners in relationships.
There are also guys that just see women as physical sex objects. These guys might be good fun to hang out with as friends, and they will probably have many female friends they respect, but when it comes to the girls they chase, it’s a game and they don’t care if they break the girl’s heart.

Again you say it’s obviousnot to go for such guys. But again, you’ll be surprised how many girls stay with guys they know have broken the hearts of many girls. The key to the player’s success is he won’t advertise it at the start, and once the girl finds out later she’s too in love to care. Even if she worries he’s going to do it to her as well, chances are she can't stop being with the guy.

Some girls even date guys that have girlfriends or married already, desperately hoping she can make a guy leave his woman for her. Now you might look down on such women, but again the secret to the guy's success is he doesn't broadcast he's married at the start. Once the girl is in love she's finds it much harder to leave the guy even if she knows what she's doing is wrong.

But I think the answer here is simple. If a guy can leave a girl he’s already with for another girl, he can do it again to the new girl some time in the future.

So if you're done dating guys that seem fun but break your heart, then simply date the guy loves you at the start. He might come off as desperate and needy, but someone that’s already in love with you will be less likely to be playing around. If he's really a weirdo, and not desperate and needy because he's in love, it's much easier for you to drop him emotionally, than someone you love but doesn't care about you.

Of course, once you find out the guy is abusive, cheats all the time, and manipulative. The reality is he doesn't really love you at all. No matter how much it hurts, you got to leave him. There are so many other guys out there, and dragging it on is just a waste of your own time.....

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

How to get a guy to settle part 7: Compromise (cont'd)

Ok, so what do these lists tell us?

Well, first of all the lists give a more structured idea of what girls really wants in a man. Just about every girl will hope for the "jackpot guy". The jackpot guy is the guy that’s charismatic, has a good job, and will be faithful and commit. But unfortunately the jackpot guy probably forms less than 1% of the single male population. Every time he magically appears he’s snapped up immediately.

For the other 99% of the female population, you need to make a compromise. Certain qualities just don’t mix together. For example charisma and commitment tend to be inversely related, because the more charismatic men can get lots of women, and hence don’t want to settle with just one girl.

Successful players all have qualities from list 1 (charisma), and depending on the age and profession will also have qualities from list 2 (money). But of course they lack qualities from list 3 (commitment). Women fall for players because they are instinctively attracted to the qualities in list 1. When a player hits on a girl, the girl doesn’t know whether he sleeps around or not, she might not even care. The player is concerned about getting the girl in bed, and what the girl is thinking about is she’s met a guy that’s charming and charismatic.

All a player has to do to get a girl in bed is not to come off as a guy that won’t commit during the courtship phase. He might not even have to lie, it’s the girl that’s made the assumption the player was serious when he wasn’t. The player’s mission is basically to form a fantasy in the girl’s head, because that’s where his success lies.

I know a friend so wrapped up in the fantasy, her man later told her he doesn’t want to commit and wants to see other girls, and she won’t leave him because she hopes he will settle down one day.

Here’s the not so big secret………You can’t create the jackpot man! Men don’t change just because you hope they will!

Women do this all the time, they go find a charismatic man, and then expect they can change that guy and he will settle down. Then when the man doesn’t change they’ve wasted 2-3 years on a man. It’s not a big secret once you realize the dynamics of the problem and the small odds of ever finding the jackpot man. Even if a girl is extremely attractive the chances of finding the jackpot man is down to luck, which is why all those pretty girls out there are still looking and still single.

Here’s a couple of mistakes to avoid, and strategies if applied would help a girl increase her chances of finding a decent guy, not the jackpot guy, but someone decent.

Stop trying to find the jackpot guy, you can’t control whether you find him or not. It’s purely down to chance, and the odds are pretty low. Girls that "know what they want" but want perfection will end up single for life. (So will guys, and I know a few guys like that)

Do not focus on list 2 too much, especially the quality of a guy lavishing gifts on his girlfriend. Hong Kong is a place that places too much importance on materialism, and lots of girls are too materialistic. HK men are not dumb, women here are infamous amongst the men for being too greedy. Firstly, when a girl expects too many free meals and gifts from her man, then unless she has some sort of control over her man, the man can get rid of her whenever he loses interest. Secondly, imagine meeting Jackpot man, who’s actually got money and will provide for his wife, but he happens to hate gold diggers and girls that take their men for granted.

Girls that are materalistic are just reducing their own chances of finding a commited husband. But if lots of gifts and free meals are more important than a partner for life then sure, a girl should pursue what makes her happy.

Realize that list 3 is the most important and list 1 is the least. List 3 has no meaning if you are just having a fling, but unless you can break up with the guy without heartache you better find someone strong on list 3 in the first place. Focusing on list 1 and hoping to get qualities in list 3 out of the guy can be a big waste of time and potential tragedy. This is not to say that you go out and find a totally boring guy, because you still need to be happy. But lots of girls need to lower their expectations for list 1.

Girls need to get out there to meet more people. When they’re out there they need to be open to dating all guys, and not just the ones that are charismatic and create the best first impressions. The reason women seem to always end up with players is because players always make the first move! Some men might have high marks from list 2 and 3, but just happen to be shy and not as socially outgoing. They might not be the jackpot man but they could be a great boyfriend and husband, you just had to take the time to get to know them! So if a guy is shy a girl could always flirt with him to arouse interest or make him braver.

How to get a guy to settle part 6: Compromise

One of the reasons I started this blog was because I was curious why there were so many good looking, smart and successful women that were single, and many were already in their 30’s. It made no sense because if it was down to natural selection then these women would be the most sort after by men, and none of them should be single.

Then I realized it was because the most attractive women were also looking for the most outgoing and successful men, and wanted commitment at the same time. By expecting more, the women were all competing for a limited supply of men that were outgoing, successful and weren’t playing around.

If I told a beautiful successful woman, she could definitely get married if she found an ugly short fella with a mediocre job, would she go for that guy? Very unlikely, and she would say it’s because she’s not attracted to the guy, or has no feelings for the guy. But average women marry short ugly men with mediocre jobs all the time! Those women know what’s good looking and what’s not, but they lower their expectations to find someone they are actually able to settle down with.

There’s a mechanism subconsciously somewhere, where a woman is calculating what type of a man she can get. Since women are driven to find the best man possible, if she can’t get that man she’ll rather be single than get married. So the more attractive women stay single and keep looking and looking.

Now, you probably know what I’m going to say. You think I am going to tell all the pretty girls to lower their expectations and marry ugly men. Not true, I just want the girls to reassess what they really need in a man and what they can give up on.

There are three groups of qualities women like in men, and the important thing to remember is that the groups are separate, so a guy could score high in one group and low in the others. The first group relates to charisma and tends to be what women are instinctively attracted to.

Remember these are selection criteria developed over millions of years, and are attractive to the woman because if she was with a man with such qualities then the chances of her and her offspring surviving increases. They might not impact survival in the modern world as much but women are still attracted to them. Here are the lists of modern qualities, the brackets are explanations of why they are attractive from an evolutionary perspective:

Charisma and looks (Qualities that makes a man more competitive in human society)
Good social skills
Good sense of humor
Decent looks and height.

Material wealth and resources (More resources equals increased chance of survival)
Lots of money
Good job
Nice clothes and car
Willingness to lavish gifts on a female partner.

Commitment (Increased survival chances for a woman and her offspring as her man is actually close to her to protect and provide for them)
Not playing the girl
Not stringing the girl along but willing to marry
Not sleeping around with other women
Being at home with the family after work

In the next post I will explain how a woman can reassess what she wants from a man from looking at these tables.

Monday, August 11, 2008

How to get guys to settle part 5: Narcissists

It’s hard to spot stringers at the start of a relationship because you need to find out a lot about a guy’s character before you can make a judgment call. But there are some guys that are obvious stringers, or worse, nightmare partners even if you marry them.

Since I’ve started this blog I’ve heard some pretty tragic stories.
Guy dates a girl for years then goes and gets someone else pregnant, and won’t pay for the abortion. Guy gets drunk and smacks his girl around like a punching bag. Guy convinces reluctant girlfriend to get into a threesome with him and another girl, and when she walks out of the room, he doesn’t chase her down but does it with the other girl.

When I bring up these stories most people will probably have a few questions or comments to make, and I’ll address the most likely questions.

"How often does this stuff happen? It would never happen to me!": Tragic stories happen more often than people realize. That’s mainly because they happen behind closed doors and so we hear very few stories. In Hong Kong, about 20% of families face some sort of domestic violence in the household, either directed at the wife, or parents at the kids. So a large number of men have anger issues. Also, lots of men cheat, we know that. It’s just rarer for men to get caught in such an uncaring manner.

"Why would a girl put up with any of the above situations, is she crazy?": Most people have counseled friends that have stuck with boyfriends or even girlfriends that were obviously not a good partner, and the relationship was pretty toxic. Yet the person that was hurting would always seem to go back to their nightmare boyfriend and girlfriend, as if they were a drug addict that could not pull away from something obviously unhealthy.

But these people are not crazy. What’s happened is they were being controlled by strong feelings due to the pair bonding they’ve had with their partner. There’s usually various ways in which such strong pair bonding occurs. But the most common is strong sexual attraction, and I’m not trying to be shallow here by bring it back to sex. This is the truth.

If you want a guy to go crazy about a girl you don’t find him a caring girlfriend, you find him a very attractive woman that’s at the top of the range of what he can get. If you want to drive a girl crazy, you get her a guy that can make her cum real hard, through good sex. This behavior is even examined in the recent Ang Lee movie "Lust Caution", where a woman falls in love with the man she’s meant to kill.

The sex or physical appearance isn’t necessarily what the person will consciously think about all the time when they think of their partner. The good sex just serves as the pair bonding mechanism. What the girl will end up thinking about when a relationship sours and the guy turns out to be a jerk is the good memories they had together, hopes of the future they could have together and a focus on the good aspects of her problematic man. On the other hand, if she thinks about breaking up with the man it only brings heartache.

When someone is confronted with strong attraction for a partner, and pain at the thought of leaving them, then no matter how badly their partner screws up, as long as they say sorry they will be able to string the infatuated person along. So it’s important to identify which guys are going to be bad partners before a girl falls for the guy hard, and then has a problem leaving the man.

"What’s wrong with these guys?" Well if a guy is violent then obviously he’s got anger management issues. But I think the uncaring way in which these guys act is tied to a character flaw both men and women may have.

These people are egocentric and narcissists and only care about themselves, their own needs and affairs. Even though they want their partners, they will only care about them when their partner’s wellbeing doesn’t conflict with their own desires. If they have desires that would significantly hurt the interests of their partner, they will go and do it anyway.

No one starts off as a nightmare boyfriend, the guy will be great then slowly shows his true colors. But if you ever find someone that consistently shows a serious lack of respect for your feelings and interests, then no matter how much you care about him, and no matter how many times he says sorry, warning bells should sound in your head. Early signs can be shown from as early as a few weeks into a relationship to a few months. Avoid egocentric people, because things will only get worse with them.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Aug/ Chapter 1: Shanghai nights

Ok, gonna take a small break from the relationship advice for women, and tell you a story from a few months ago. It's a story about treating your women right. See, when a woman really loves a man she can put up with a lot of shit. The guy can be a total bastard to her, and she might even know her man is cheating. But no matter how much a woman loves her man, if he keeps breaking her heart and someone else comes along and the conditions are right, she's going to cheat.

It was getting close to winter and I was visiting my best friend yet again in Shanghai. He had recently gotten married with his lovely wife whom I was also friends with. But I stay at their place each time I go because it's fun to hang out at night, do boys stuff like eat and drink late into the night whilst chatting and playing his Xbox.

Shanghai is one of the biggest party towns in the World, and it has the best looking women on earth there. The best looking females out of a 1.2 billion population gravitate to this Mecca of decadence, and debuchery for two men with money. One thing I both like and dislike about Shanghai is how easy the locals girls are. Not all the girls are like that, but a lot of the girls just throw themselves at the expat men.

Being a Western educated Chinese with money is Shanghai is like being a hungry man at a free buffet at the Grand Hyatt. It's the only place I've ever been to where I didn't have to hit on women, and the women walked up to me. But there's one thing that I can't stand about Shanghai, and that was the stench of golddiggers. I hate women that go after men not because they are in love, but because they are in love with a man's wallet.

My friend has a big crew in Shanghai, in his short time there he and his wife had built an extensive network of friends and associates, so it was a lot of fun to go up there. Whenever I go up there I don't have to make an effort to meet strangers, it always feels like I was visiting my second home.

The clubs are excellent, much better than the ones in Hong Kong. One of my best friend's buddies was a western educated Chinese guy that was totally pimped out with a crew of hot female friends. He was no gangster but his table was the stuff of dreams with tall, beautiful, leggy girls grinding against the guys, and they weren't even pros.

I started dancing and grinding with one of the girls who spoke English well, and found out she was educated in Australia and used to be a flight attendant. OH flight attendant! Flight attendants were girls I've always wanted to try but never gotten. These days there are a lot around in HK, but they are still every guy's dream, especially when the guy's out of town and in party mode.

A few hours later I was taking the girl back to her place and we were making out in the cab. When we got downstairs I asked if I could go up to her place and that's when she dropped a bombshell on me. She told me she had a boyfriend and loved him very much. I struggled to think of a reason why she didn't really love her boyfriend, and should spend the night with me. "But, but........" I spluttered, and then she left.

You have no idea how lonely it is to be in your best friend's living room in Shanghai by yourself at 4am, with a cup noodle and a Xbox

The next day whilst at a lunch buffet with my friend and his buddies at the Westin I called the girl and arranged to meet her for dinner. The Westin serves free Champagne, and there was lots of beer and whisky at the Karaoke in the afternoon. So when I met the girl I was already in caveman mode, happy and talkative.

I found out later that night her boyfriend was an expat and businessman, and he was a real bastard to her. She had quit her job as a flight attendant because he didn't like her flying around, being in other cities, with the potential of meeting other men. She wasn't working for a mainland Chinese carrier either, it was an international carrier which paid well, so she had made a big sacrifice for him. But despite her sacrifice he neglected her, and talked down to her.

So I did what any decent guy who wanted to sleep with a girl that's taken would do. I told her, her boyfriend was a scumbag and she deserved someone better.

A few hours later after spending some time at a local club, we were downstairs at her apartment again. This time I got out of the cab to kiss her good bye. I told myself there was no way I was eating a cup noodle by myself that night, playing Xbox alone in the dark in my best friend's apartment

So I spent half an hour in the freezing cold telling her she deserved better and her boyfriend was a scumbag. Then out of nowhere the best line I had ever uttered in my entire life popped out of my mouth......."hey babe, I don't want to intrude but I need a drink and the toilet, can I come up to your place for a few minutes?"


The girl turned out to be crazy in bed. She was relatively quiet and demure at dinner, but when we got to her bedroom she rode me like a sex starved insane bitch. It was kinda surreal, being drunk, happy that I wasn't playing on my friends Xbox two nights in a row, and wondering how a girl can be so surprisingly different in bed. Then I realised it was because she really was sex starved and going insane, because her man was never around her.

We had breakfast and then after I said bye to my best friend I took a cab to the airport with the girl. She wasn't taking me all the way to the airport to say bye to me at the departure gate. The girl was picking her boyfriend up, because he was landing an hour after I took off.

Truly classic, the guy had been away for the weekend on business, probably in some other town in China screwing another girl, smug and happy that he was away from his annoying girlfriend. Meanwhile some guy from Hong Kong, was fucking his girlfriend's brains out in his apartment.

So treat your woman right, or next time she picks you up at the airport with a big grin on her face, it's not because she's happy to see you......
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