Monday, June 30, 2008

June/ Chapter 26: Dating younger guys

I realized since writing this blog that there's a lot of women dating guys younger than them. The perfect example of a woman that goes after younger men is of course Samantha in Sex and the city. Now although she is a fictional character she's a good example of how an older woman can approach relationships with a younger man

First of all the idea is to have fun. Basically turn the table on the men and use them as the boy toys, when usually it's the guys treating girls as sex objects. It's a good way to boost self-esteem, feel desired, and get some great sex out of a younger guy, rather than an older guy that might be full of himself.

Okay, so you need to get a younger guy. Best way is to meet the guy in a social setting and the guy should be a friend of a friend. As an older woman, don't try meeting guys in clubs unless you're good looking. Guys in clubs are wasted half the time and looking at what girls look like, not thinking about the personality as much.

The whole chat up, yeah chat up process, should be pretty similar to how a guy approaches a girl, you literally reverse the roles. You act friendly but don't come on too strong, flirt but only enough to tease and can back off if it's not getting the right response. Be confident and be in charge, and most importantly just have fun. The most attractive people in either sex are the ones that can come across as a fun person. Who wants to hang out with a dull and boring person?

Some women are better suited to this lifestyle than others. You can only go into the relationship with the expectation of having a good time, and stick to that expectation. If you start treating the guy as a potential partner with a future together then you might freak the guy out, and hurt yourself. Instead let the guy think that way, and let his feelings build. The guy's been with younger girls so he doesn't need another needy, annoying girl he can play with, but probably finds the older woman's independence, and maturity interesting.

Also realize that whilst a younger guy can be worshipful and treat an older woman he likes like a queen, the woman might not get the same emotionally. The guy might be better to look at, but doesn't offer the woman what she needs in terms of understanding her and connecting on the same emotional or spiritual level.

Still there have been such relationships that have ended in marriage. A guy that's a distant relative of mine married someone over 20 years older than him. Whilst Demi Moore is 16 years older than Ashton Kutcher. Obviously the age difference doesn't have to be that extreme, but it shows that an older woman can work with a younger man. You just need to be in control rather than daydreaming about unrealistic thoughts of what could be with a younger man.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Interview with an ex party girl

Below is an interview I made with a girl that used to party a lot, but wants to settle down now. Of course it doesn't reflect the lifestyle or opinions of everyone that goes out to party a lot but very interesting never the less.

Ok so how come you want to settle down?

Because I realized, if I don't settle down now, probably no one will want to marry me. I don't want to be single when I'm 43.

How long have you been partying for and since what age?

I'm 23 now, been partying since I was 17. But each year it gets worse. From last October till March this year was my peak season. But not anymore, I don't wanna meet any guys in clubs again.

How come you partied more and more?

Because I met more and more people and those people always asked me out. So I partied more and more and met even more people.

The guys you had sex with. Did you like them or was it just for fun?

I slept with them because I was drunk. Lonely and drunk. Sometimes I don't remember when and where I met the guys. Don't remember their names, and don't remember which club we met in, and don't remember we fucked, haha.

You were recently with a guy, what was your ex like?

Handsome, rich and good looking, but he was married.

So why you go for him if he was married?

He's been married for 5 yrs now, and I knew that before I started a relationship with him. I liked him and he treated me very well. I just wanted to have some fun at first, but after a year I was madly in love with him and wanted to have him.

What made you fall for him?

Every girl loved him, made me feel so good to have him. My friend also had a crush on him, but he chose me and not my friend. He treated me like a queen. He was my soul mate.

So if you knew he was married and everything was good why you two split up?

I slept with his friends for revenge. He was with his wife every night, so I felt I could sleep with other guys.

Ok, I guess that's fair...

No it's not. He told me he was married and I accepted that. I can't complain about that, and use it as a reason to sleep with his friends.

So what now? You going to find a new guy?

I've found a new guy already, but it's complicated.

What's complicated?

He says he wants to take it slow. and wants to know more about me before deciding if he wants to be in a relationship or not. It's bullshit, like I'm on probation. He's got all the boyfriend rights but none of the responsibilities. He kisses me, touches me, sleeps with me, but says we're just friends. We're just friends.........and according to him we're not dating each other, we're just chilling out.

So is he a local, studied overseas, or grew up overseas?

He was born in Australia, was in HK for Kindergarten, then primary school, highschool and university in Australia.

What profession?

Ibanker

Lol, I guessed he would be a banker. So how you meet him?

My friend pimped us, haha. We had sex the first time we met because I was drunk.

How did that go down?

We met in a bar with my friend, started drinking and I was tipsy. He said he wanted to play poker so I went to his place with my friend, then my friend left. I don't remember the rest very well, just that we had sex in his guest room and then once in his bedroom.

So now you're seeing this guy?

Not really seeing, just friends. If he wants me and I'm free I'll go to his place. We're FBs, friends with benefits, haha.

Right. Hey why aren't we FBs?

Because you're not my cup of tea, and he is.

Fair enough haha. So if you're going to give up on partying how you going to meet guys in the future?

Don't want to meet la, I give up. The one I love is married, and the one that I get along with just wants to fuck with me. I give up on meeting guys in clubs, and give up on guys that work in the finance industry.

Bankers are that bad huh?

Bankers are not bad, problem is they are too good. Every girl wants them. It's very hard being a woman.

Why is it hard to be a woman?

If you are not smart enough and don't have an academic background, guys don't want you, because they want a woman that can help. But if you are too smart then no guys approach you. You know la......ego ma. If you are ugly no guys want you, and if you're too pretty guys will be scared to approach you. Need to be smart and know how to play dumb.

You know how my ex's wife kept him in the marriage? His wife knows everything but plays dumb.

So what's the deal now with your current guy?

Well, last time I was out with my FB I told him I was going to leave him for another guy. He freaked out and treats me very good now. He never held my hand on the street before but he's willing to now, and he's willing to introduce me to his friends now. Sometimes you need to play games, when I'm here he takes me for granted, but when I told him I'm leaving he realized he needs me. Doesn't want to commit, but still wants me.

So I guess we all need to play smart huh?

Yeah play smart, but it's hard for a girl to play smart. Girls can be a good player before having sex with a guy. But the more a girl sleeps with a guy the less willpower she has in avoiding falling for the guy.

Cool, thanks for your time. Hey so when we going out to party?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

June/ Chapter 25: Goldfinger.......

It's only right that if I am to write about James Bond, I should also write about his nemesis, Goldfinger.

Now unbeknown to everyone in the World apart from myself, a select few and the late Ian Fleming (author of the James Bond books). The original character in the Goldfinger novel and later movie was meant to be a woman. A stunning looking woman who was so good at her job as a gold digger she had been bestowed most of the world's gold by the rich men under her control.

Goldfinger lives in Asia.......

Now, every girl wants her boyfriend to buy her gifts on special occassions, and would prefer a rich and successful guy, if all other things such as personality were equal. But there are lots of women in HK and in Asia in general that select their men with a very heavy weighting on how well the man can provide for her. A lot of women even date or marry men that they probably do not find attractive at all, but they stay with the man for the money and free gifts.

There's three main reasons for this. Whilst Western culture looks down on such behaviour, and has less emphasis on the importance of material wealth when picking a partner, lots of Asian cultures have traditionally put more importance on materialism. Just think about Chinese New Year, when we celebrate and wish people good luck, we offer money in little red packets. Similar customs exist in Japan and other asian countries.

Another reason is due to the gap between the rich and the poor in many Asian countries. In the West there tends to be a large middle class and there is a smaller weath gap. In HK or in large Chinese cities such as Shanghai there is immense wealth, but concentrated in fewer hands. So there is more drive for certain individuals without the wealth to pursue wealth.

Finally, big cities exist simply because they are more efficient at creating innovations, developement, wealth, commerce, etc. Big cities are more competitive and wealth is a symbol of success. Even in Sex and the City, the tagline was "labels and love", labels of course represent materialism. Big city life and people are naturally more materialistic.

The existence of Goldfinger is not strange to me at all. As I mentioned already, it's evolutionary nature for a woman to find a man that can provide. What I do find strange are the men that date Goldfinger. They must be either so rich they don't care a woman only loves them for their money. Willing to pay for a hot trophy wife or GF because the woman makes them look good, and/or ugly enough (looks and personality) to need to pay to find substitute love.

But for the rest of us, if we want to avoid Goldfinger, here are some signs we've met her:

1) She's more interested in what you do for a living and how much you make than your headhunter.

2) She doesn't seem to have a job but what she wears makes her look like a promotion girl for "Chanel" or "Jimmy Choo". (she could be daddy's princess, but that's probably just as bad)

3) It's your 4th date and you've paid for everything on all 4 dates.

4) She's less than 1/2 your age.

Here are some sure sighs you're already under the control of Goldfinger:

1) You get laid off by your bank due to the current credit crunch. A week later you return home and find your woman is gone, along with all the stuff you've ever bought for her. On the bed you find a note that says. "PS, I will always remember you!"

2) You're rich but don't trust your finances with anyone. As you go to bed one night with your woman next to you, you bring up the topic of signing a prenuptial agreement before getting married. She immediately puts her finger over your mouth, says "shush, don't think so much baby" and then proceeds to give you the best blowjob you've ever had in your life.

3) One day to your astonishment your girlfriend tells you she's pergnant. You're astonished because she was meant to be on the pill, and you were wearing condoms. Then you take a look at the box of condoms and find someone's used a pin to prick little holes in all of them. (Actually this strategy of getting pregnant was probably used on a guy I know)

4) Your will was last edited for you by your wife who's 60 years younger!

Monday, June 23, 2008

June/ Chapter 24: James Bond

So the other night I was out with a friend that was definitely a player, but he didn't think he was. Then it occured to me, I had written a post in my blog about how to spot players, and I had over simplified it. I had focused on liars and people that use deception when it was much more complicated.

Now I asked a bunch of people what they thought a player was and I got loads of differen't responses, here are some of them:

"Someone that doesn't care about a girl's feelings."

"Someone that knows a girl has feelings for them, but has no intention of giving her anything back, and uses her for self pleasure."

"Someone that sleeps with more than one woman in a relatively short space of time."

"A guy that can't settle down and moving from one girl to the next."

"I don't have a definition but I have an auto detective sensor for players when I am near one!" ............!

"You!" <----- aya.....

How people define a player simply depends on their own value system. Hey if it was up to God to judge players, anyone having sex and not married is a player! There seems to be a range of definitions rather than a fixed one. But there's two main groups it seems, one group of people feel players are just guys that don't want to commit and can't settle down, in fact anyone that has a one night stand is a player.

Ok, so according to this definition I agree I'm a player. But I'm not exactly a smart one, I mean come on, I post my party life up on facebook and ruin my own chances, and I've had one girl tell me she liked me until she read about my Taipei trip on this very blog. It's pretty deliberate, I believe it's possible not to lie and deceive and still have fun with others, that way no one gets hurt.

The other group feel that a player is someone that takes advantage of a girl's feelings and using a girl for their own pleasure. If a girl is willingly going for the guy despite knowing what he's like then she's not getting played. So really the second crowd believes players are simply wrong because they are using a deceptive screen. Well it's true, I mean the players I know have a lot to hide all the time, and everything seems like half truths. Even facebook party pics are detagged because it's too incriminating.

But there are four aspects of players and girls that fall for players I find interesting.

Firstly, players that use deception honestly don't think they are players. It's not that they don't want to admit it because if they do then it's incriminating and could ruin their reputation. In their mind they honestly do not see themselves as a player.
Now when I say this I'm not judging, because I realise society and morality is not as black and white as I thought it used to be. But I just find this psychological thought process interesting, like it's some sort of self justification.

Secondly, not all players are just looking for one night stands and sex. Lots of players also date girls and will genuinely like them. The only difference from a normal guy is the player doesn't want to commit, or his selection criteria is so selective pretty much no one can fit the mold. So in part 13 when I gave advice on how to spot a liar, it was too simplistic. It's much harder to spot someone that actually likes you enough to date for a few months, but has no interest in commitment.

The third interesting thing is the super player. I know one guy who's likes James Bond. In my mind he's the perfect player and as a guy I have to worship him. Hey, who doesn't worship James Bond? This guy will be able in a very short space of time get lots of girls to like him and sleep with him, and not just normal girls, I mean hot girls. He sometimes even has a female entourage follow him around. Plus I'm not talking about Edison Chen or anyone famous!

He's got the perfect mixture of good looks, smoothness, charm and attraction. Damn, wish I could interview him for my blog.

You girls might now read this with disdain, by that I mean my respect for James Bond. But here's the fourth interesting thing. Girls will still fall for guys they know are definitely players and then will justify wanting to be with the guy. Just last night I spoke to a friend that said her guy specifically told her he will not commit, but she still wants to be with him.
When you get up to the level of James Bond, it's like seeing a mythical creature with supernatural powers at work. Women will willingly fall for the guy even when it's against their best judgement.

So back to definitions, according to the second group's definition, if girls know a guy is playing around and still falls for him, then he's no longer guilty of being a player, right?

Girls can be super players as well. Just look at Samantha in sex and the city, and I know a couple in real life as well. They basically are like the Sirens in Greek Mythology, drawing men to their own doom. So really, all is still fair in love and war.

Just one thing that a guy friend correctly pointed out. The only people that should not be touched are the really nice girls and boys out there. If a player finds a really nice person, gets that person to fall for them and then ditches the person, the player should really burn for their sins.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

June/ Chapter 23: How to improve your sex life?

"Can you explain more about the sex part in relationships...so far from what i've seen..despite all this crap in magazines that men want sex more than women...it's the opposite..."

This is a question someone just asked me on this blog, and it's probably one of the most important issues in a long term relationship.

Over 54% of couples in the UK state they have a stale sex life, or no sex at all prior to getting a divorce. Over 10% of couples even state a bad sex life as their main reason for getting a divorce, so whilst many people try to downplay the importance of sex in a relationship, it's highly important. Even if the subject is nto important to you, it might be to your partner. There's been loads of books, and thousands of research and case studies dedicated to the subject.

It's hardly a secret that if you don't love someone, or worse, resent them then you won't want to sleep with them. How healthy a couples sex life is in a relationship could be a barometer of how well the relationship is going. If there is something else causing the relationship and sex life to deteriorate then fixing that problem will naturally fix both. But what if your sex life being bad was the cause of a relationship failing? It would seem strange that something that feels as good as sex can be neglected but it often is.

First of all do realize that just because you have less sex now than at the start of the relationship it doesn't necessarily mean your partner loves you less. Sex drive is stronger at the start of a relationship because it's a pair bonding mechanism, so we've evolved to want to have more sex at the start of a relationship.

Secondly, everyone's sex drive is different. Some people want to have sex everyday, other people only want it once every week or two. The difference doesn't have to mean one party loves the other party any less. Just like the differences in other areas of the relationship, people will see things differently or have different needs. It requires communication and compromise for couples with different sex drives to avoid any problems.

I know first hand what that feels like because even after dating the same girl for years I would still want to have sex everyday. Every single girlfriend I've had, hasn't wanted it as badly as myself after a long period of time. I would assume the person that asked me how come guys want to have sex less than girls probably experiences the opposite, she probably has a stronger sex drive than her partners.

There's two ways to get your partner to want to have more sex. Firstly, get really good at it, and understand what makes your partner tick. If sex for them is a really good experience then they will naturally want more. No one wants to feel like they're just some sex object for their partner's sexual needs.

It's not possible (too lengthy) to teach sexual technique here, for that I'll have to start an entire new post, but if you want to improve sexual technique the best way is to watch porn and then experiment with your partner. I'm not friggin kidding, if you want to get good at it you got to learn from somewhere or it'll just be a hit or miss process. Some people still have reservations or old fashioned thinking when it comes to sex and that's why they don't get good at it.

Western porn is too mechanical and fake. Japanese porn is the best, and I mean mainstream stuff without any weird fetish crap (unless you are into fetishes!) . Japanese porn usually features girls that are off the streets and their reactions are qenuine, they really are enjoying it rather than making fake screams. Watch it with your partner, even joke about it, but make your partner comfortable and understand it's a tool to improve your own sex lives.

Experimentation is very important. Try different techniques, and positions, try using toys and dressing up. But the important thing is knowing that everyone is different. All those magazine quizzes about sex and sexuality are generally a pile of crap, because sexuality is one of the most subjective of human experiences and there's a lot of variance.

The other poster said basically she's tried to spice things up and it didn't work. Now I don't know what spice things up meant for her and her partner. Maybe it wasn't what the partner needed. Spicing things up doesn't have to be spontaneous, you can always discuss with the partner what they want. Having talked about it doesn't mean the sex is any less exciting or romantic.

But if spicing things up really doesn't work and your partner's sex drive seems very low despite you trying the right methods there could be external or psychological factors at work.

1) Overwork or high stress. HK is a very stressful place and most people are overworking. If someone is too tired after work, they might just want to chill and then fall asleep. I'm not really a big fan of HK lifestyle, people are too obsessed with money. If you and your partner are close maybe you can discuss that what your priorities are, and money and career isn't everything.

2) The person might have found you or themselves physically unattractive. If it's yourself then you might want to get in shape, or maybe your partner is asking for too much, it all depends. If your partner is not comfortable with him or herself but you feel fine then it's important to let them know.

3) Something else is affecting their mood and emotions. Maybe your partner is depressed about something, could be work or family issues. Whatever it maybe, get through that with them first.

4) They might feel their sex life is not good compared to others, work less at it and then it gets even worse. Seriously, not everyone's sex life is as glamorous as the movie stars, and from what I've heard from girls and what's on the net I'm guessing most people's sex lives are pretty mediocre. In which case no point putting yourself or your partner down by thinking your sex life is not as good as others. Rather, work at it.

Worse comes to worse, change your sex partner. Seems like everyone else is doing it in this town.........unfortunately......

Friday, June 20, 2008

June/ Chapter 22: Warriors, part 2

The guy in the Pic in the last post is a friend of mine that served 2 tours in Iraq. He, like the rest of the US military are volunteers. Different people have different reasons for signing up, but he believed in serving his country, and risked his life for it. Politics and justification for the Iraq war aside, this was a guy totally selfless, facing the heat on a daily basis, and risking getting sniped or getting hit by an IED (roadside bomb) whilst on patrol.

He was a warrior but he was still scared. What kept him going was love for his country and protecting his bros in Iraq that were on tour with him. Compare that with self serving HK people.........hmm

One of the greatest warrior cultures that ever existed was in Sparta (Greece) 2,500 years ago. The Spartans would train their children from the age of 7 so they could become fighting machines. Back then the world was brutal and entire nations would be pillaged and wiped out by invading armies. Living in a peaceful society, we can only look down on a world of warfare. However, on an individual basis, men were a lot more virtuous and selfless than the modern man.

One of the most famous battles in history was the Battle of Thermopylae, which was depicted inaccurately in the movie '300'. In 480 BC the Persian army invaded Greece, and the Persian army was huge. Modern consensus is for 150-200 thousand men. In order to hold the Persian army back long enough to let the rest of Greece arm itself, King Leonidas and 300 of the best Spartan warriors headed to a narrow pass in Northern Greece. They picked the pass so it could act as a bottle neck so the superior numbers of the Persian army would have less effect.

The Spartans, their warrior slaves and allies numbered only 7,000 and they held back the Persians for 3 days. But in the end the Persian army found a way to circumvent the pass and to surround the Greeks.

Knowing encirclement was imminent, King Leonidas sent most of the allies home, and then the Spartans and a few hundred more decided to stay and fight to the death. Now this was not just for honor, it was because the men who were about to die knew that if they retreated and lived, Greece would see the battle as a defeat. On the other hand if they sacrificed themselves on that ground in defiance of the Persians, all Greece would be inspired by their self sacrifice. So that day they all died for the greater good of their country, their homes, and their loved ones.

Virtues and self sacrifice........

How many men in HK knowing their families would be enslaved would commit outright suicide for the city of HK, and for their families? Ok, so maybe that's too extreme and unrealistic, but most people here are on the opposite side of the scale, they're self serving even in their relationships and marriages, and that's why relationships fail.....

Of course I am generalising in this post, but I speak the truth. Guys in HK rarely fight. Maybe the triads fight, but your regular guy only knows how to shout. I've seen guys shout before, a disagreement breaks out and then both guys pretty much shout "bring it on" and "diu lei lo mo" 20 times, before they walk away without a punch. I swear I wanted to grab both of them and beat both their asses for being pussies.

This is your typical HK warrior:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0k4mHSOHsI

The guy didn't punch the other guys, but punched a girl. I mean was this video meant to be a joke? In fact I am sure annually, more men beat their wives than beat other men. Who wants to take a bet?

Someone on another thread asked, what are the qualities of a guy a girl should consider a keeper? Ok well, this might sound corny, but my favourite movie is Gladiator and it's my favourite movie because the character Maximus is what I think is the ideal man. He's a superb warrior and fighter, but a family man and loves his family more than anything else. A real man is strong on the outside and soft on the inside, which is unfortunately the opposite of many HK men.

So, we're in a pretty tough situation, hmm. HK people are generally too self serving when it comes to relationships, and we as a society are the victims of our own selfishness. To be fair, it's not just here, it's everywhere, but in a big city like HK there's more of it.

At this point you will ask, are there any men with virtues in HK? Are there any selfless warriors who will think of their women and family before himself? Yeah of course! But you might never notice him because he doesn't earn lots of money, and he's quite and not as outgoing.

June/ Chapter 21: Warriors, part 1

Yesterday I was trying to get home after having drinks with friends at exchange square. There were no cabs so I went to the airport express to get a cab, but not down bottom. The fastest way is to get a cab is on the ground level where people are getting off.

It's the quickest because there are no queues. which is why it's also brutal and interesting to observe, you'll see people rushing to and fighting over cabs.

After a while I realised I might as well have turned on the discovery channel and watched Hyenas fight over scraps of meat. It was a big free for all with absolutely no rules at all. Anyone that was polite and didn't rush in front of someone else would not have gotten a cab. I saw men push in front of women, women in front of men, and people shouting insults. The funny thing was everyone was wearing a suit.

Humans are very adaptive creatures and behaviour changes depending on the environment, the culture we live in, and what others are like around us. When I started researching for this blog, I realised a lot of the research and articles that apply to Western society, apply very little or not at all to HK and Asian society. For example, in Western society men value more independence in a woman. In Asia men value more submissive behaviour. The difference is pretty much all down to differences in culture and society.

But are we adaptive or just slaves to our environment?

If we were to judge society in terms of morality on a sliding scale, on the one side you will have virtues (moral excellence), on the other you would have vices. HK is one of those places which has so much sin, even good people will adapt to become more selfish. To illustrate this, let's look at a short list of what virtues and vices are (there are more but not listed):

Virtues:
Altruism
Benevolence
Chastity
Commitment
Compassion
Courage
Fidelity
Fortitude (the moral courage to do the right thing despite opposition or discouragement)
Honour
Idealism
Integrity (basing actions on consistent framework of principles, opposite of hypocrisy)
Loyalty
Purity
Self-discipline

Vices:
Cowardice
Corruption
Dishonesty
Dishonor
Greed
Ignorance
Indulgence
Infidelity
Pride
Promiscuity
Selfishness
Vanity

I highlighted in bold the 3-4 most important points which pretty much leads to the other virtues and vices in the group.

HK and many other large cities in the world would be best described not by virtues but by vices. It gets that way because big cities are about earning money and then indulging in a better lifestyle. But the temptations in a city like HK are so bad that I've seen good men become corrupted, because doing the right thing is seen as silly, naive or boring, whilst doing the wrong thing is celebrated. There is very little morality in HK, and hence why there are so few nice guys, why there are so many players, and why men are cheating.

But women are not much better in this town. Lots of women cheat as well, and women in this town are very materialistic and greedy. A man's wealth and earning power is a lot higher on the selection list of HK women compared to other places. I've been on dates before where at the end of the meal the girl just sits there and doesn't even say thanks because she feels she deserves to get dinner from a guy. I also know for a fact that when a lot of girls go shopping they tell each other to get their boyfriends to pay for things they want.

What are we HK guys? ATM machines?

It's a two way street, and the price for a town with more fun, and more material wealth is that for the most of us personal relationships suffer and we'll be lonely. If there was karma, and punishment for sin, then collectively as a town we reap what we sow. Now I'm not preaching or judging any particular lifestyle, I'm just reporting the truth.

Ok, so now you're wondering what this post had to do with warriors and why did I post up a pic of a GI in Iraq? Let me get to that in part 2.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

June/ Chapter 20: We're the same baby

Guys wanna find out what makes girls tick, and girls wanna find out what makes guys tick. Now a lot of articles and books focus on how different the sexes are. But in reality some of the most important things that makes us attractive to the other sex are very similar, especially in a long term relationship. Here's a few of the similarities.

1) Be exciting. One of the main reasons girls fall for guys that are players over the nice guy is because the player can provide excitment. Or a sense of mystery and adventure other guys in the crowd can't offer.

Guys are the same. We've got a mother already, so we don't need to marry someone that's going to care about us, but going to bore us to sleep. The mistake that both guys and girls make in a long term relationship or marriage is they fall into a boring static routine. Some people are fun at first and then become really boring to be with after a long time. If that happens before marriage then the relationship drags out and the couple might have to break up after a number of years. If it happens after marriage then it can lead to divorce.

So always make life together fun, evolving and something for the other person to look forward to. Now unfortunately in Asian society lots of men and women lack or fear the spontaneity which makes this work, because they feel it's intimidating to the other person to try new things. But then why do people in long term relationships or marriages in Asia still get bored?

2) Women love good sex, and I'm not talking about the loving part, I'm talking about the orgasm. Since women don't need sex the way men do, when they do have it a guy can make a huge difference if he's good in bed. So if a guy can't make a woman cum through intercourse alone he should really spend more time on foreplay. Girls want to get more physical when it comes to sex.
But here's the thing, guys are not just physical when it comes to sex. That might be the case when it comes to an one night stand or casual sex. However, when it comes to a long term relationship the same routine with the same person will be boring. So a little sizzle and excitement rather than mechanical routine is key.

Also, realise that guys have emotional needs when it comes to sex in a long term relationship. When guys want sex in a long term relationship, it's not just about the sex. If you don't give it to him, he will feel something is wrong with him and won't feel loved. So being a good lover is important to both sexes.

3) Women generally want a man they can respect, we all know that. Now in Asia it's slightly different because lots of men fear women that are too independent or strong. But it's important for a woman to have her own life as well, to retain some sort of independence. It can be scary or boring for some guys if a girl just made the guy her world and didn't live a life of her own. So it's important for the girl to have her own social life and hobbies.

Note this is very different from acting aloof and detached, which some girls do. It's about being indepedent and still loving the other person. Not about living your own life and having a toy boyfriend and girlfriend on the side.

I have heard of some men in HK who do not allow their girlfriends to have any freedom. Many won't let the girls see any guy friends, and some won't even let them hang out with female friends if out late at night. A guy like that is pretty insecure about the relationship and his control over his girlfriend. Some girls can put up with that, but even as a guy I can't really respect that, because the same guy will then get bored with his submissive girlfriend.

4) Life is tough and it's like a battlefield out there at work. When we get home after work, we don't need to face an asshole or a bitch. We want to feel loved and supported. Girls definitely want that, but guys want the same. Guys can act tough at work in front of other people but might have problems they have holed up inside.
If a girl really wants to be special to a guy then it's important to support the guy. But in addition to that, it's important to be able to push him gently in the direction which helps him succeed.

A friend on mine once told me he knew his girlfriend wasn't the one for him because she couldn't challenge or inspire him to be a better man.

Monday, June 16, 2008

June/ Chapter 19: Mere mortals

Last Sat I almost killed myself. I went to the megajunk party and because all the boats were tied together, everyone was jumping off the back. I went to dive off the back of one of the boats and slipped whilst jumping. This resulted in me over rotating and landing in the water flat on my back. My head missed the back of the junk by about 6 inches.

I've almost died or been seriously injured 5 times before as well and it's changed the way I see life and people. I'll post 2 of the incidents here.

When I was about 15 I got totally wasted at a beach party in Repulse Bay. Back then I didn't know how to control my alcohol consumption, it's not like I can now, but at least I don't have any death wishes.

For some reason that night I couldn't remember my home address so I told the cab driver to go to Queen Mary hospital which was the nearest landmark to my parent's apartment, about a mile away. I then decided not to walk down Pokfulam road, but down a foot path which was in the woods above Pokfulam road, and ran from the hospital to the HK University apartments a mile away.

The path was 3 feet wide, had no railings, at several points was 5-6 meters above the ground and running rivers...........and it was raining. I remember vaguely that I was crawling down this path. Now it takes about 15 min of fast walking to cover a mile. So I am sure I was in that pouring rain crawling for over an hour. What I find strange from the whole episode was I didn't fall off and die, and I had the survival instincts to get down and crawl but I was too wasted to even remember my own address.

About 2 years ago I was skydiving in the US and starting my AFF (accerlerated free fall) training when I almost had an accident. Parachutes these days are not opened by a rip cord, but by a small pilot chute that is pulled and thrown into the air. The small parachute opens and then drags the main chute open. It's tucked into a pocket at the bottom of the whole pack and rides around the level of the butt on the ground.

The first jump in AFF involves jumping with two instructors. One on each side, who keep you balanced as you do procedures such as practice pulls, and altimeter checks. When I went to do a practice pull on my pilot chute however I couldn't find it! What I didn't know was that in the air the entire pack floats up so the pilot chute is around the level of the lower back.

When I was unable to reach it I looked down and to the right to find the pilot chute which was a big mistake, because changing body posture just slightly changes how the air flows over the body and movement in the air by a lot. By bending to the right I put the 3 of us into a spin, and one instructor got thrown off, the other instructor then quickly pulled my pilot chute.

When the main parachute was open I looked up and the strings of the parachute were all twisted, because the parachute had opened whilst I was still spinning, so I had to kick out of the spin. To top it all off, the radio they stuck on my chest to teach me how to land the parachute wasn't working, so I had to land by myself.

Apart from not being able to find the pilot chute I was pretty calm the whole time, and only realised I had nearly killed myself when I saw the stern look on my instructor's face back on the ground. The main danger when someone goes into a spin is they lose consciousness if the blood comes out of their head. But my only thought at the time was "damn, I had just wasted US$270".

The other 3 incidents includes nearly getting run over twice. Also one time when the car I was in totally lost control on a country lane whilst going about 80 miles per hours, driven by my intoxicated GI buddy that had just returned from Iraq.

These incidents made me realize two things. Firstly I am retarded and the only reason the natural process of selection did not remove my dysfunctional genes from the gene pool was luck. Secondly, although death was a real issue in our lives most people act like they aren't aware of it. Being aware of it makes me live life differently, and relate to people differently.

A good example of how behaviour changes is if a doctor tells someone they are terminally ill. Provided the person isn't too bed ridden to do anything, that person's behaviour would change drastically. They would surround themselves with people they care about, spend laviously, and probably go see places they've always wanted to see. But they could have done that already even if they were going to live to 100.

Humans act very differently depending on how much longer they know they have to live.

Religious people that are convinced they are going to heaven when they die (live forever) will have very strong motivations to pursue a lifestyle linked to their belief. Now I say convinced because most religious people are just religious for their peace of mind, and wouldn't make real sacrifices for their religion.

The person that knows he will die soon will make the most of their lives.

But the average person is generally churning along and wasting their lives. Now I don't just mean the person that bums around at home. I personally think workaholics and people too concerned about money have it wrong as well. I love money too, since I need money to party, money to go skydiving, to go on holiday, to enjoy life, and to ensure my kids have a good lifestyle. But money should be a tool to live life more, not to be a goal and measure of achievement in life. Most people in HK are just too wrapped up in money and materalism, to the point where their careers come before their families or relationships.

We're born, we study, we work, then we die, could be tomorrow or 50 years from now. I don't really fear death, just the fear that I have not lived life fully.

I've had my share of memorable experiences, hiking in Nepal, skydiving, and traveling around the world. But with regard to relationships I got plans as well. I party pretty damn hard, more than most people I know, and that's because I'm still single. In fact I turned it up a couple of notches in recent months since I'm going to be 30 soon. Within a few years I know I will be married, and I don't want to have any regrets when I get married because I don't want to cheat on my wife. That's my reasoning behind the partying.

As for family and kids, I don't think I should have one unless I could give them the best life possible as well. Which contrary to what some HK people think, is not just about an affluent lifestyle.

If everyone else took some time to think about the time they have on earth and what they want to achieve, then lots of people will live life differently as well, and treat those around them differently.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

June/ Chapter 18: Strange things happen on Friday the 13th


Friday the 13th, 2008 was a weird night.......

It's been raining in HK for over 2 weeks now. I was standing outside one of the local clubs which tries to be rather exclusive, waiting for a guy friend of mine and some girls, so I could take them all in. The girls were from Taipei, but I had never met them before. It was just a coinsidence that I was meeting Taiwanese girls a week after having the best weekend of my life in Taiwan.

They were late. Obviously being late is not just something girls in HK do. It's universal.....

I couldn't stay long that night because I had a birthday party in another club to go to. Which was a pity because partying is rarely good in the first hour when everyone is sober. But I did my best to be friendly and make the girls feel at home in HK.

There was this group of guys I knew in the club and I went over to chat to them. The guys had a guest in town, a tall athletic looking black guy from England. He used to play rugby, so we were on that topic initially before we started to talk about girls. He told me rugby players get more girls which I agreed was probably the case in England, but in HK a guy will get more girls with a BMW Z4.

One of the guys brought over two cute girls he just met, and seemed very proud of himself. The grin quickly disappeared when I immediately hugged one of the girls because I already knew her. She was a flight attendant, and it was always good to know flight attendants because they know lots of flight attendants. Then two more girls I knew were walking past so I introduced them to the guys as well. At this point tall black guy was really happy, he was on a business trip in HK and I think Friday the 13th was turning out a lot better than he expected.

There's a degree of respect and envy guys have for other guys with a lot of girls, whether those girls are just friends or "scores".

These girls we were bumping into were just friends, in fact a few of the girls read this blog. But the guys didn't know that so I was seeing the respect on their faces. Finally, the Taiwan girls came over to chat, and we were now surrounded by girls from all sides. Tall black guy looked around himself and then stooped down and asked me........ "Do you play rugby for Hong Kong and were you on TV or something?". Hmm no, and given where I live I still rather have a BMW Z4.

The rain had finally died down so I made my way to the second club and found my friend and her friends pretty drunk and merry already. I jumped straight into the vodka, and looked around. Wow, my friend's friends were pretty cute! This was going to be a good night.........

One thing I've realised about myself is I am boring when I'm sober and have nothing to offer a girl in a club. I obviously come off as a sleazeball, and girls are digusted by my mere presence. That totally changes after I have a lot to drink. I'm still a sleazeball, but the girls either can't see it anymore or they don't care! I think it's a combination of the two. I mean if girls can fall for players, they can fall for me, right?

But the thing is I can't remember what I say and how I say it when I'm drunk. So I set myself a mission for the night. I was going to get drunk, and then do what I normally do, but I had to remember exactly what I did and said, and how the girls reacted to that.

So I downed 2 vodka redbulls (had been drinking before that) and then started. I looked around and there was a girl next to me looking pretty bored. She was pretty attractive and wearing a jacket so obviously had come straight from work. I had things easy for myself that night, since everyone was there for my friend's birthday. So that already took care of breaking the ice. Normally I think I just walk up to girls and ask them if they want a drink. Or worse, grab someone's hand and say hi with a ridiculous grin on my face......
That also meant we had something in common (the birthday girl) and topics to talk about. Once I got the girl comfortable, we went to dance and had a good time. But she had to leave due to work the next day, so I just gave her my contact details and left it at that.

By this point in the night, it was getting impossible to control my mind or to record my thoughts anymore. I was turning back into a caveman with no inhibitions, and the price was I wouldn't be able to remember clearly how I got there.

This is when the night got really surreal.

I stated chatting to another girl. She was cute and wore a nice dress, after a brief chat (the contents of which I could not rememeber) we were grinding on the dancefloor. After 10 min of dancing I had her in my arms, and moved behind her, holding her around the waist from behind. I even kissed her on the neck and saw she enjoyed it.
Then she disappeared and I couldn't find her. Ten minutes later she was saying bye to the bday girl and everyone else, including me.......... and she was holding some guy's hand. The girl had a boyfriend, I just didn't know.

Sniff........

Ladies, please understand cavemen have feelings too.

Ok fine, so I'm down but I'm not out. I was still having a good time, despite my jaw having dropped for a second there. So I started to talk to girl number 3. I could tell immediately she was a tough cookie and not easy to crack, and the only thing I could remember in our conversation was asking her what type of guy she thought I was. I remember she said I was the "Cool" type, which I found amusing. Little does she know how uncool and stupid I really am.
The important thing is, I was half way there, and all that counts is the end result. We were dancing close together which means she didn't think I was a weirdo, and attracted.

That's when the bday girl pushed me away and waved a big no, with her forefinger, then dragged her friend away. As I stood there bewildered the bday girl's boyfriend puts his arm around my shoulder and whispers in my ear. "Dude, she's married..........for two years now......"

Sniff.........

Cavewomen are a lot worse than cavemen........

Thursday, June 12, 2008

June/ Chapter 17: Some answers

A few people have asked me if I was writing about them in this blog. The situations in this blog are not based specifically on anyone's lives. There's a couple of things people have said or done I've put down. But it only seems to some people I am writing about their lives because this blog is meant to be about issues that affect many people.

This blog is a pretty heavy read, but it's not meant to make people over think or take the romance out of relationships. It's meant to give honest answers to questions that I always get asked, and strategies on how to get a nice guy or improve the quality of our relationships.

I write this blog for several reasons. I've always been interested in understanding how people think and why they behave the way they do, it's why I took psychology at university. Relationships is a very important topic in our lives, for guys as well as girls. Guys don't think about relationships as much as girls therefore it would seem strange a guy would write about these topics, especially a rugby playing, weight lifting, weekend party animal. But that's why I can see and write about things girls can't really see or relate to.

In recent months, talking to girls I know in Hong Kong I've realised there was a lot of girls complaining there aren't any guys they could find to have a decent relationship with. It's true, Hong Kong is one of the few places I've been to where there are so many attractive and interesting ladies in their 30's because they still have not found the right person. It happens everywhere but very extreme here, so I wanted to examine why.

Finally in researching for this blog I've learnt a lot about people and about myself as well.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

June/ Chapter 16: Cheating

Society views cheating as bad, but that's a really simplistic way of looking at cheating. For one thing, across borders in the East and West over 50% of people have cheated at some point in their lives. So looking down on people who have cheated or who cheat is usually hypocritical.

In the UK, 47 per cent of married men, and 35 per cent of married women have cheated. This includes sexual as well as emotional affairs that reach a level of intimacy which would be just as damaging as a sexual affair. That's just married couples, so I am sure even more single people have cheated.

From what I've seen and heard in HK, over 50% of men cheat. But before the ladies point fingers, a lot of girls cheat as well........I know first hand. Also, a lot of girls don't even realise they are cheating when moving from relationship to relationship. Many girls will stay in a relationship when they are not happy or satisfied rather than breaking up, and will only leave the guy once they have found someone better. This form of relationship hopping is the same as cheating because it's usually overlapping, and involves hiding the facts from the first partner, until the girl is sure the new partner is better.

I've also cheated myself. Cheating used to be something I totally looked down on, and I didn't do it till my last relationship because I wasn't happy. But it was a mistake, and cheating is still always bad. But at least now I know why people cheat, and know calling it bad is too simple.

There are several forms of cheating.

1) The I don't give a damn about this person affair. Some people are just with another person for companionship, and they don't really care about the other person or their feelings. Since they don't care they will go do whatever they like.

2) The do I still have it affair. Lots of middle aged men who've never cheated get this urge because life has gotten so dull after many years of married life.

3) The revenge affair. Some people are so bitter from a relationship they will deliberately cheat and let the other person know for revenge.

4) The I am in love but still going to cheat affair. Lots of people have a stable partner but things have gotten stale and boring, but they don't want to split up with that partner because it's comforting and beneficial to be with that person. So to add excitment or pleasure into their lives they go cheat.

5) The I am not happy affair. sometimes a relationship is missing something, or isn't working right, or something needs to change. When someone in a relationship is not happy but not ready to give up on the relationship, they will make this mistake.

I'll analyse the last two types.

With regard to in love but still going to cheat........Marriage in a lot of Asian countries seem to be different from the West. A lot of married couples seems to have accepted that as long as the husband provides then the women will pretend they don't know the husband is cheating. In the West marriage is seen as much more sacred and cheating is a much bigger sin.
In HK a lot of men have paid for sex, I am guessing at over 50%. It's one of the reasons I feel divorce rates are lower in HK (34%) compared to the US (55%). Obviously there are other factors such as a later marrying age.

The strange thing is, a lot of men will truly love their wives and still go pay for sex. For them, this form of cheating is simply a physical and not emotional thing, and a release of sexual desire. It's very common in Asia and not looked down upon at all by the men. In the US or Europe paying for sex would have a stigma attached to it and looked down upon even by men. I don't quite know how to judge this yet, because although it seems wrong, it's kept a lot of marriages together.

With regards to the I am not happy cheating........Sometimes people grow distant, there's no passion anymore, things are boring, communication has broken down, and then you realise there were a bunch of differences between you and your partner you had never seen before. When someone else comes along at at such a low point in a relationship and they seem fun and attractive, the cheating is about finding the comfort and companionship you can't find in your own relationship.

Cheating can be a good thing if you realise that you are at fault yourself, and you have not put the effort into the relationship that your partner deserved and that was the reason for more distance being created. If you come to this realisation and the other person is still important, then go fix the problem and treat your partner with the same respect, and renewed effort as you would with someone new.

If there are problems with your partner and even though you've tried to communicate and improve the situation and it still doesn't work, then it's time to split up. But it's much better to get to this stage without ever having cheated in the first place. At least that's fair and honest.

What ever the reasons for cheating. There's a three golden rules. Cheating is like opening pandora's box, once you've done it once it can't be undone and it's much easier to do it again and again. It's possible to cheat on one person and never on anyone else. But once you've cheated on that particular person the relationship becomes a damaged product.

If you do cheat, never be honest about it. Honesty is always good apart from this situation because is totally destroy's a partner's trust and peace of mind. Someone once told me what the wife doesn't know can't hurt her. Hmm, I wouldn't want to cheat when I'm married but I understand where the guy is coming from.

If you cheat and you want a soul mate, someone who you can share absolutely anything with. Who is your best friend, and who you can be completely honest with without guilt or shame, you can forget it. Now most people don't even have a partner like this, because most people can't get to this level of honesty with another human being. But if you cheat then at least part of you will always be alone.

June/ Chapter 15: Why Hong Kong Men can't settle down

Hong Kong guys are very different from guys in other places, so I've been told by a number of girls that have dated guys in other countries and then come to Hong Kong. It's the same thing I hear over and over again. HK guys don't want to commit, they break things off soon after sleeping with a girl, and cheat more than guys in other places.

Now before my male brethren label me as a traitor, let me add that I am generalising. There are nice HK guys out there, just that the proportion of players vs nice guys is higher than other places. Also, I don't see myself as a nice guy, I try to avoid breaking girls hearts, but I've yet to settle down.

I'm just trying to give an honest picture of HK guys. Never the less I'm watching my back because the next time I walk down Lan Kwai Fong I expect someone to shout. "Hey isn't that the fucker that said we're scumbags? Kick his ass! $#@!$"

Ok, first of all let's see why HK guys are the way they are........

There's slightly more women than men in HK, and as we examined in the game theory part a gender imbalance causes big changes in courtship behaviour. If a guy knows there are lots of women around and he can shop around then he can afford to settle down later and play the field for longer. Even if a guy is in a relationship he can afford to shop around because if the relationship fails he could start a new one possibly with an even better girl.

Even expat men pick up on this pretty quickly, and a lot of expat men date differently in HK from the way they would if they were back in their home country. So it seems it's an environmental factor rather than some sort of local Chinese cultural factor.

HK is located in the center of Asia and HK people are pretty mobile. HK people travel more than people in most places, more than the average American or European. Which means that girls in HK are not just competing with one another, they are competing with girls in mainland China, Taiwan, Thailand, Macau, etc. This includes sex workers, and if a guy pays for sex and is sexually satisfied and doesn't need someone to lean on, then they can focus on their career and skip the relationship part altogether.
Also, remember guys learn off other guys. If everyone was faithful then a guy that cheats stands out a lot. But because so many guys cheat, guys will feel less morally responsible to stay faithful especially when their friends do it.

Most HK men, even Western educated ones are still influenced by traditional culture. Most Asian cultures are still biased when it comes to gender, and in a relationship the man has more power than the women. This has changed quite a bit in HK in the last 20 years. Women now want to get a say in their own relationships, especially career women who have clout in the office place.
Most Chinese men however still want their girlfriends and wives to be submissive. Or even if opinionated and career focused, not as strong or as successful as they are themselves. So the sad thing is, in a traditional culture, the stronger and more successful woman has actually a smaller pool of men to pick from. Not only does she have to find a man who she can respect, but someone who won't run away because she's got her own opinions.

For expat women the scene is even tougher. There are several barriers. There's the cultural barrier which exists anywhere in the world between people of a different culture or race. Generally HK men also prefer the cute, young, and slim looking type of girl. Then there's the point I made in the paragraph earlier, since lots of HK men don't want a woman that's more dominant or outgoing than they are, they don't want to date expat women. You will see expat men with Chinese girls all the time, but will be lucky to see an expat women with a Chinese guy once a month. I know of two girls that's moved away from HK now specifically because they couldn't find a guy to settle down with here, and needed to move on to find a man.

Ok, so how are the girls going to fix this situation? Well, at the very least apply the right type of strategy. Hey if I was playing sports and I wasn't good at a sport, I can't really get much bigger or faster, but I could improve a hell of a lot by practicing the right techniques and strategies. Same here, you can't get much prettier or younger again, so apply the right strat.

1) Be realistic rather than living in a sugar coated idealistic version of reality. If the situation is not good then it's not good, deal with it. Don't live in an idealised world which is different from the environment you are in. That just sets you up for disappointment.

2) We're smart creatures and can think past our own instinctive desires. That's why in previous posts I've highlighted many times how women are instinctively attracted to jerks and put off by nice guys. But maybe then, consciously knowing this fact, you can consciously pick to be with a nice person. Rather than just relying on the butterflies in the stomach feeling that gets you a nice date for 3 months, and then disappointment after. Don't just rely on feelings.

3) Be more flirtatious. For some reason lots of HK girls think being flirtatious means they come across as easy or slutty, and opens themselves up for meeting the wrong guys. Wrong! HK girls that are defensive in that way just come across as unfriendly and snobbish. The most attractive girls I know are friendly to every guy, and really nice, so they will end up having more guys like them and will have more to pick from. Not every guy is a player and when a girl immediately indicates no without learning more about a guy she's reducing her choices.
Flirtatious and friendly girls that know how to keep the situation under control have a lot more choice.

4) Use your head. Try to analyse a guy and the relationship clearly without emotions clouding your thoughts. Learn to seperate emotions from the business of finding a guy. Girls can do it at work, and girls can give good advice to their friends, so they need to be able to step out of their own shoes and judge a guy without emotions affecting judgement.

5) Be feminine and not too dominating, Asian guys like that.

6) Use sex. Trust me, sex can be a powerful weapon to controling a guy. Lots of girls will have less sex when they feel unloved or unhappy and this in turn means the guy will think less about her and more about other girls. Sex might be a physical thing for a guy, but in a relationship it's still an intimate and pair bonding experience. Don't make the situation worse by cutting a guy off. Just don't have sex with a guy too soon.

Basically, my advice are all based on focusing less on emotions and being more consciously smart about how things really are. I know it's hard for a woman to do since women get quite emotional but that's the reality of it all. If you play golf and don't have the right technique, you can do what feels best but you're going to hit the ball less, or you could learn a technique that feels unnatural but bring greater rewards.

If all else fails, move somewhere else......

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

June/ Chapter 14: Marriage

Now excuse me for being pessimistic but my real parents are divorced. My mum and stepdad are happily married (I think), but I don't know what my real dad looks like because I haven't seen him since I was 2 years old.

Sob stories aside, I don't quite get why people want to get married in the first place. Now a few of my friends are married, a few more are getting married soon, and I was the best man at my best friend's wedding. So I'm familiar with the whole process. But what's the point of the whole thing?

Now just about all girls want to get marriage one day, and of course us guys are the ones to propose so guys want to get married as well. But do people even know what they're getting themselves into? The divorce rate in the US is about 55%, in the UK it's 42%, and in HK it's 34%. The rate is probably only lower as well in Asia because so many men visit professional sex workers. There's no data on the percentage of married men that visit sex workers, but I would guess it's more than 50%. Don't believe that figure? There's 10,000 sex workers just in HK, and more in Macau and just across the border, and they serve several men a day. Since most guys don't go regularly, that's a lot of men and a huge market.

When I look at the figures I realise that either most people are not really in love when they marry and only do so because they think they should. Or they are in love but fall out of love over the years. I mean when I look at most of my friends, most people have never been in relationships for longer than 2-3 years. When people find out I was in a relationship for 5 years, they go wow. But really, I don't think that's a very long time. If I get married soon, live a full life and never get divorced I'm going to be married 10 times longer than that!

There are some real distinct advantages to marriage. It's a social norm. Society judges people and because our parents are married, and everyone else is, it's better to get married rather than well......fuck around forever.
It's a better environment to have kids. A guy once told me he's given up finding the right girl for him, since that girl doesn't exist. Rather, he'll settle for the mother of his children. You'll be surprised how many men decide to finally get married because they realise they too are getting old and need to have kids soon if they want them.
Economic union. Now I don't know whether that's an advantage or a curse. Depends if you stay married or divorced I guess. But certainly with kids, it helps a couple budget and work together as a unit to keep the family going.
Commitment. Someone once told me nothing's different now that she's married, but it showed commitment from her man. Yeah, I agree with that one, if a guy can't even buy a ring and settle down, better ditch the guy because he probably never will.
People get lonely when older, and it's nice to have someone to count on in times of need.

But although there are advantages to getting married the divorce rate is still staggeringly high. Also, many married couples stay together but are not happy, and the men cheat whilst on "business trips". So what's the problem here? The fact that people want to get married even though the divorce rate is so high tells me people have hope their own marriage will work and be different from everyone else's, even though they themselves are in the pool.

The problem is most people try to achieve those advantages from the wrong perspective. I've seen big fancy weddings before, and the girl wanted to have a big fancy wedding because it was meant to be her "big special day". What about the next 50 years? Firstly, don't get married because of other people, seriously, you have to live with the person, not your parents or the 200 guests at the wedding you're trying to impress

Secondly, don't just focus on yourself, your needs. That's why marriages fall apart in the first place, people thinking about themselves when it was meant to be a partnership. When a marriage fails might as well throw away the wedding pics of that grand wedding....

What about kids? We only get to live once, and now we've evolved to be animals that understand our own needs beyond our evolutionary instincts, it really isn't a smart idea just to have kids for the sake of it. Kids that grow up in broken marriages don't grow up in a healthy environment. If people really want to get married, they should be creating a partnership with someone. To think of the other person as a partner in a team, and not cater to just one's own needs. Most people can't even do that in a 2 year relationship, and that's why the relationships fail. If you're always thinking about what you want in a relationship then it's best to just fuck around forever, at least it's more fun...

The one thing worse than being lonely is being lonely whilst in a relationship.

Monday, June 9, 2008

June/ Chapter 13: How to spot a player


"Don't hate the player, hate the game."

I read that on someone's facebook profile before. Seemed like a bit of a push of responsibility to me, but I don't look down on players. I've got several friends that are players, and they're really fun guys to hang out with. I don't look down on them because they're doing what most guys secretly want, which is to sleep with lots of girls.

Where I think a player is wrong though is when a player uses deception and lies. Since most girls don't want to just have a purely sexual relationship a player needs to get most girls to believe he's interested in them enough to want a proper relationship. That's not cool because although it might just be a game and sex to a player, for the girl it's a broken heart, a sense of stupidity for being duped and quite a bit of mental anguish. We all draw lines in the sand when it comes to morality. For me lying and deceiving a girl that likes a guy is where I don't think guys should ever go.
(you don't know how much this moral choice has killed my success rate, if any girls out there just wants to have sex, please contact me, thanks)

So to really find out whether a guy is genuinely interested or just looking to have sex but pretending, you just need to know how to spot a liar.

First step is be aware of your personal feelings about the subject. Do you really want to know? Some people willingly blind themselves and accept a lie as fact solely because the truth might be too painful to handle. Women are very intuitive, and can read a lot into whether a guy is a potential mate of not. But at the same time they can be amazingly blind to a guy that is not trustworthy, because their own desires for the guy clouds their judgement.

Secondly you need to know how the person talks and acts normally. A person's normal conversational habits and body language is called their baseline behaviour. So their normal pattern of speech, eye, hand and body movements during a normal conversation with no pressure or lying. Variations from this indicate lying. One of my player friends once brought out a girl he was "working on" at the time. I couldn't believe his voice when he talked to her because it was so gentle and sweet. I almost wanted to puke up, punch him, and slap the chick for believing any hetrosexual male with no agendas talked with such a sweet voice.

Body movements and eye contact patterns tend to change when someone is lying. Ask the guy if he really likes you and look him in the eye. A liar will either avoid eye contact at the moment of the lie, or will maintain eye contact more fiercely than usual to "sell" the lie. Lying causes stress so there are stress gestures such as rapid blinking, swallowing, and figeting in some people.

Some people need to think when they lie. There will be a noticeable pause in speaking as they think, and they might look up to the right, which stimulates the part of the brain linked to imagination (making things up).

The most important step to spotting a liar is being able to access the situation clearly and without emotions. Not an easy thing to do! What ever you do, don't start projecting your desires on the other person. So assume they are not lying just because you are in love with them, or assume they definitely are lying because you are upset.

Finally there are a couple of pretty obvious things. Don't sleep with the guy too soon. Some players will give up because they have no patience to go through a lengthy courtship process. Also, a player will very rarely bring the girl he's working on out to see his friends and other people. That's because it's embarrassing to bring a new girl out every week, so if a guy truly likes you, he'll be quite happy for you to meet all his friends.

June/ Chapter 12: Confused


Girls confuse me......I know most of the time why girls do what they do, but I'm still confused because a lot of the time it lacks logic. For example. When a girl is distressed about a guy or a relationship she will go to her friends for advice. Her friends most of the time will give her logical sound advice, which is often ignored anyway because the advice conflicts with the girl's desires. A couple of months later the friend giving the sound logical advice will find herself in the same situation. But then she will need to get the same sounds logical advice she already knows from her friends. I guess it's not so much the advice, but girls just wanting to be heard when hurting. But it's not very logical is it? You might as well write down the advice you give to your girlfriends on a card and read it back to yourself when you're in the same situation.

But then again, maybe it is all logical since girls are very emotional creatures. So what does this have to do with girls and sex? Well, I've realised girls are pretty illogical about sex as well, and that's because they get emotional about it. A few years back this girl I was hitting on went out with me and my friends. She got drunk and we went home together. Then we started dating, and for 2 years as well. A few weeks after the incident she tells me, if she never got drunk and we didn't have sex we wouldn't be dating now.

Hang on a minute, that makes no sense at all. If she didn't like me enough to date me before we had sex, then why did she want to date me after we had sex? What I didn't get at the time is that sex for a girl is an emotional pair bonding experience. So what about one night stands and flings? Lots of girls have one night stands these days, so surely now that we have contraceptives, girls are able to treat sex as simply something fun and physical, right? Only sometimes....

The reason most one night stands happen after a girl's had quite a bit to drink is because she needs to get rid of her inhibitions. Those inhibitions arise mainly because of two fears.

1) That she's labelled as a slut, because whilst a guy that sleeps with lots of women is seen as a stud, a woman that sleeps around is seen as a slut. Yes pretty unfair rules of judgement from society, but there are reasons for this. Read chapter 3 again about how single mothers are a burden to society.

2) That the guy is just using her, and she might be abandoned after having sex with him.

For the girls that have one night stands or flings. At the back of their minds, the girls fear being used but also want to have some fun, so need to get themselves drunk to remove the fear of being used. Maybe it's the girl who is using the guy, maybe she is able to seperate the physical from the emotional and just have some fun. But only some girls are able to do it, and/or some of the time.

A lot of girls start off in control and not serious, and then some time later, their MSN or facebook status changes to "I hate all men" or "All men are assholes", etc. (yes, stop doing that). Here's something most people don't realise. Sex is more important to a girl than a guy. That seems like a strange statement, because girls don't need sex the same way guys do, and aren't driven by it. Generally sex is bad for a girl, because most guys cum before a girl has her first orgasm. But if the sex is really good, lasts for a couple of hours and the girl has multiple orgasms, she'll go crazy about the guy.

For a guy, good sex is just that, it's physical. For a girl, good sex means she starts to think about the guy in an emotional way. It's strange, and I'm all confused still.....One thing's for sure. If the sex is really good, and the girl starts liking you, but you don't like her, don't want to date her, and don't want the associated guilt trip of telling her to leave you alone.........do this. BE A NICE GUY, call her up 3 times the next day and tell her how much she means to you. Send flowers to her on day 3. She'll think you're a clingy freak and tell you to back off! Problem solved.....

Sunday, June 8, 2008

June/ Chapter 11: Girls can be players as well...

I really wasn't impressed. The weather had been crap for a week, and it was still raining outside the airport. I was eating a bowl of noodles with my travel companion, compliments of Dragonair. My flight had been delayed 2 hours. Which meant we wouldn't land till after midnight. Considering I was in Taipei for just 2 nights, I was in serious danger of losing one night of partying due to this delay. I wasn't too happy, because we got two $75 coupons and I thought I deserved a free meal at a Michelin 3 star resturant.....

The girl I was with was moving to the UK to work and touring Asia before she moved away. It was the second time I had seen her. She was a friend of my friend in the Netherlands who I had never met either because we were friends from internet gaming years ago. It's weird going on holiday with someone you don't know, introduced by someone you've also never met. But the girl and myself are both party animals and found it easy to click. Guess this is proof that the internet can bring people together.

We met the girl's local Taiwanese friend and her male "companion" at Room 18, a popular local club that many HK guys go visit because of it's reputation of having some of the best looking girls in Asia. 15min and 6 shots each later the girls were soon grinding on the dancefloor. Whilst male companion was standing by the wall looking really bored, and being really boring. I found out later male companion was a rebound. Poor guy, totally out of his element, standing in a club probably madly in love with the girl in front of me, ignorant to the fact that he was just a meat popsicle. Girls can be very cruel too....

My other friends from HK arrived and soon the place was packed. Lots of guys standing around, just staring but not chatting up the girls. The Taipei clubs are different from HK clubs, there are more guys and fewer girls. But this is the strange thing, because you would think with more guys the girls would be even more defensive than the girls in HK. But the clubbing culture is very different. Girls are generally a lot friendlier and willing to chat to guys, and even sleep with guys without getting emtionally attached.

Everyone had a very good night except me..... Our local Taiwan friend took meat popsicle home, so my travel companion who was meant to stay at her friend's place bangs on my door at 5am. Shouting at me, attacking me, and demanding I go out to party. Finally I got her to shut up and go to bed.

Next day the whole gang did the usual eating, shopping, sight seeing, and back massages that comes with most Asian holidays. The only thing worth mentioning was the t-shirt I bought. We walked into a shop and the first thing my friend saw was a t-shirt that said "I am single" in big bold letters. With a little persuasion I bought the shirt to wear for that night's clubbing.

It's not easy wearing a t-shirt which depending on how you perform basically translates to "I'm a total loser" or "I'm a stud". I've realized girls are the most biased creatures on earth when it comes to picking guys. If a girl likes the guy he can be a complete dick and she will ignore his actions, but if she doesn't like the guy then everything he says sounds repulsive. By wearing this t-shirt I was basically magnifying this behaviour several fold and sticking myself under a microscope. I thought it was pretty negative overall and ruining my chances for the night, but it was damn funny and I wanted to see if I could score.

I got stares from the moment we started queuing to get in.

Alcohol is very important for courtship, it makes guys brave and makes girls loose (great line from a movie). It's great fun to see people removing all the layers of inhibitions created by society. People would have a lot more fun in life in general if they were more relaxed about certain issues. Problem is, it's hard for people to be responsible, do the right thing and still be relaxed about doing what's fun.

1 flaming lamborgini, 2 vodka limes, 1 vodka redbull, 2 heinekens, 2 whisky and cokes later (I forget the rest)..........I had gotten pretty brave. Walked up to a table full of girls dressed up as nurses and just started snapping pictures without worrying the guys on the table would kick my ass. I had successfully regressed to a caveman........in a "I am single" t-shirt....

Met up with a girl that I had met on the internet. I called her out because I wanted to see what she was like in person. We hit it off really well and had a lot of fun together. The great thing about drunken fun is if you get to the right zone, and you're with the right person, you will walk away with the best memories. No worries, no holding back, just do what feels right at the time.

Two hour later we were on our way back to the hotel, and the only thing I could remember from the short cab ride was the girl asking me "are you sure you want to do this?". Huh? What does that mean? I'm a guy and I was drunk, why would I not be sure about this? That's like asking a dog that hadn't eaten in 3 days if it wanted to chew a nice fat juicy steak! My drunken brain started thinking lots of weird shit:

Wait..........she's not looking to get married is she? What did she mean by, "are you sure you want to do this?" !!! No one told me there was a damn law in Taiwan where if a tourist slept with a local girl, he had to marry her or gets a life sentence, or the same thing. That's insane! Why didn't any of my guy friends warn me.......? This is worse than HK, I came to have some fun here, not get married!

Then if occured to me, no that's impossible, she can't be that crazy. Who wants to get married after 2 hours of drinking? (Britney Spears) Look, calm down fella, more likely she's like a black widow and just wants to use and abuse. At least she's kind enough to ask me if I was sure I wanted to do this!

The sex was really good, but I couldn't even remember passing out. When I woke up it was 6:30am and the girl was gone. No chatting, no breakfast together, no questions about what last night meant for me. Just me and my pillow and the great memories from the night before.

See, girls can be players as well.........

and I love it!

I later chatted to the girl. She said it didn't really make a difference if I was just there to play, or I was interested in a relationship. She just wanted me to be honest and we could go forward from there. If everyone had the same attitude (being honest with what they want) then people would be having a lot more fun and a lot fewer people would be getting hurt.

Friday, June 6, 2008

June/ Chapter 10: Need to find a guy for a friend

Ok, so the girl is about 5"6, very pretty, nice personality, and fun to hang out with. Easy to find a guy la!

Her criteria list seemed easy at first, but then I did a closer examination and found the following.

1) Age requirement, 25-34:

Pool: 462,000 males in this age group in Hong Kong.

2) Must be Chinese, 94.9% of population. I know a lot of people need this, because they need someone with a similar cultural background.

Pool: 0.95 X 462,000 = 438,900

But it's ok, if you're this gwei lo.........





= 438,901

3) Not ABC, but not local. So the Western educated type that's still in touch with their Chinese heritage. Now, some people study in HK but are still pretty Western, other people go overseas to study and just hang out with Chinese friends so pretty local. Need to make a guess here. Think we're talking about 20%.

Pool: 0.2 X 438.901 = 87,780 rounded down

4) Height, must be 5"11 or above. Not sure why because 5"6 + 3 inch heels = 5"9.......
Pool: 0.25 X 87.780 = 21,945

5) Has to be nice. Assume this means pleasant personality, nice to the girl, not a "dai nam yan", and always a gentleman. Presentable, doesn't fart in bed, willing to talk and not fall asleep straight after sex. How long are we talking about here?

a) Pool after dating 1 month: 0.9 X 21,945 = 19,750

b) Pool after dating 2 years or more: 0.2 X 21,945 = 4,390

c) Pool after married 20 years or more: 0 X 21,945 = 0

6) Not a playa. Hmm, most probably filtered out from question 5b , since playas don't get past 1 month most of the time, and almost never past 2 years.

0.95 X 4,390 = 4,170

7) Funny, with a sense of humor. Most HK guys are able to laugh but not very funny. You might need to find a Gwei lo for that.....

0.3 X 4170 = 1251

At this point I'm thinking to myself. Hmm, interesting. If I write a blog about how people can increase their chances in finding a match maybe lots of people will read it! Let your friends know about this blog if you think they will like it =P. Oh yeah, any guys out there interested?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

June/ Chapter 9: Romance


If you ask most people what they want from a person as a partner for life, then the qualities are usually pretty different from what people are attracted to in the beginning. People look for someone who's nice and they can rely on, trust, and communicate with.

That's not necessarily the qualities people are attracted to at the start of a relationship. Confidence and humour doesn't necessarily mean a guy might be a good long term partner. Nor is a beautiful girl. Which is why after a while a lot of relationships don't work.

So wouldn't it be better to find a nice and trust worthy partner to begin with? Well there's a few problems here. First of all, most people seem nice at the beginning because they put on their best face, and it's usually after a few months or even a couple of years before they show their true selves. Then all of a sudden you realise you're dating a really annoying person. Secondly, as discussed before nice qualities are probably not good, especially in a guy. A nice guy comes across as desperate and not assertive enough.

Thirdly and the main "problem" is people want romance. Now romance has a very important function. It's basically a pair bonding process that's evolved since before we were even humans. A lot of people fall in love and they don't even know why. There might be better people out there, but at that moment in time all they want is the person they like. The butterfly in the stomach and longing to see someone type of feeling is hormonal and very powerful.

Once you fall for someone then the first few months is esentially a positive feeback process. You like the person, and treat them well, and they like you better for treating them well and like you even more, etc, etc. During this period the feelings people have are so strong they become highly motivated to do things they normally won't do. Hence why a slob will be very well dressed and even clean up his room when a girl first dates him, then reverts back to his normal state after a while. The process only lasts a few months because that's the period needed to well........mate and produce a baby. (Remember we're talking about evolved instincts here)

That poses a serious problem for people with limited time. If you're not lucky then you will keep meeting people that are nice for the first year then turn into a person you would never have been attracted to in the first place. So why not date a good friend, or someone you know is pretty nice and compatible with you in the first place? Most people don't want to do this because of several reasons.

1) If you start winking at your friend and licking your lips you will feel very awkard if they puke up.

2) People are worried if the relationship doesn't work they will lose a friend.

3) It skips the butterfly in the stomach and exciting feeling that most people get when they hit it off with a stranger and someone new. There is less fantasy and romance to it.
.....
In fact, if you're a guy and like a girl, never ever slip into the "friendship zone". One of the worst things in life is having a girl you like being really friendly to you, but to them you're just a friend or a "brother". If you like a girl, hit on her! Life's not perfect, and lots of people complain about not being able to find the right person. Testing the waters with a friend by being a bit more flirtatious with them might bring big rewards.

June/ Chapter 8: Self Control


To get the most out of life there's probably just 3 things you need and everthing else will come easily. 1) Know how other people work. 2) Know yourself. 3) Have the strength to do the right thing after 1 and 2. No 3 is almost always by far the hardest to achieve.

Knowing others is simple enough. Some people are better at reading others, but generally it's not too hard to understand most people. Knowing yourself is harder. Most people are too proud or too blind to see the problems with themselves, hence they always make the same mistakes, act like a friggin idiot or a total asshole, and they're not even aware of it.

But walking the walk. Oh man that's so hard. Humans are strange animals, we're often compelled to do things we know we shouldn't do, and lack the will to avoid things we know will hurt ourselves and those around us. Take the most extreme examples. I know a guy that's had a heart attack which almost took his life, the doctor told him to lose weight and quit smoking. Yet the guy still smokes and eats crap everyday. It's amazing that as long as a gun isn't stuck to someone's head and death isn't staring them in the eyes, some people will lack the will for self preservation and go out and live a lifestyle that will eventually kill them.

Even I live a terribly unhealthy lifestyle. I smoke, I drink more than almost anyone I know, I eat crap and a lot of it everyday, and that's why I'm overweight even though I exercise regularly. Recently I didn't drink, ate right and exercised hard and lost 7lbs in 9 days. Which means living my normal unhealthy lifestyle I'm probably at least 30lbs heavier than if I changed it to a healthier equilibrium. Sigh, but it all seems so hard. It there was a God, he's got a cruel sense of humor. Most of the fun things in life are unhealthy, and the good things in life are generally painful or require willpower to stick to. Now most people would say, hey just find a balance and don't let the fun things in life control you. But if it were that easy then people wouldn't have problems with addiction, people wouldn't have problems losing weight, or problems with their marriage, or problems finding the right person.

Most of these issues come down to lack of willpower and living a lifestyle that goes counter to what we know ultimately is the best for us. Now with regard to relationships I can't give advice on how best to gain control over yourself, since willpower is something totally different from advice. All I can point to are the most glaringly obvious situations. People moan about not being able to find the right person, but even when they've found someone that's really nice they'll go and live a lifestyle which adds temptations and distractions to the relationship itself. If you want to live a fun lifestyle, then don't moan about being lonely.

You would think that going out partying and meeting more people means more opportunity to find the right person right? It's the opposite. The main reason people can't settle down in our society is not because they can't find the right person but because they are having too much fun. Damn those tough choices. Chocolate brownies or 6 pack, partying every weekend or settling down for good. Some people have the luxury of enjoying both worlds, most need to pick one or the other.

As for cheating. Well more than 50% of people have done it at some point in their lives, and then justified it in one way or another. We all know it's wrong, but most people still do it. Hey and just remember even powerful people lack self control, just look at Bill Clinton and Eliot Spitzer. They say all's fair in love and war, and you can't look down on people for cheating when so many have done it. But if you're the one doing it, don't moan when going to bed alone.
Website counter