Thursday, November 13, 2008

Nov/ Chapter 3: When a snake slithers back

I used a cartoon snake because I got a friend that reads this blog and she's scared of snakes.

Cute isn't it? I really wanted to use a nasty looking snake about to bite though.

When do you do if an abusive guy (snake), calls you, tells you he loves you, misses you and needs you back? What do you think you should do?

1) Ask him to come over to talk
2) Have a long chat and find out what's up
3) Laugh then hang up the phone
4) Insult him then hang up the phone
5) Hang up the phone

I hope you picked any of the responses between 3-5.

The reason you hang up and cut off all communication is because those types of guys always lie, and never change. But if the guy is coming back to you, and says he loves you, then surely he really does love you right? If the guy is hurting badly inside surely he really cares, right?

Wrong, for abusive guys and players it's always about control, sex, and themselves. They have no interest about being in a HEALTHY relationship, it's always about them. You might desperately hope that he loves you, but that's because you love him and hope that's the case. You'll do anything in your head to make that into a reality.

The reality is that he's coming back because he needs to the security of having someone underneath him, under his control. The reality is if you get back together with the guy, he will be charming and wonderful at first then start being abusive at an all new level once you two are settled down again.

Seems like lots of women have been in abusive relationships, so it's common, don't feel bad. But see, you only get to live once and should be happy, and you deserve someone that loves you. That's why the next time he calls you should hang up on him, even if you love him, he's just not going to be good for you. Put him in the same category as heroine, or anything that's going to make you real high and then crush you real hard later.

I know it's difficult to tell someone you may still love to back off, when it means you will be alone and possibly lonely. But I guarantee if you leave the guy, years later you will wonder why you even wasted so much time on him, and that the whole episode had nothing to do with love. Here's some stuff to get you get over a bad guy.

1) Make some new friends, or hang out with existing friends more.
2) Find new hobbies, you'll be surprised how much more spare time you have and how much you can learn.
3) Treat yourself to things that will make you feel better. Go shopping or go for a walk in the park.

Remember when you've sacrificed so much for a guy, and he's turned out to be just a jerk, you deserve to go treat at least one person right, and that's you.


Anonymous said...

so what do you do if you married someone like this? obviously he's not this snake person all the time, just when something sets him off...he's humiliated me so many times just to make a point but won't admit his mistakes, he's never apologized for his actions. If I try to reason with him he goes off on one more and more and i feel like shit. he tells me just to 'leave' if i feel like that and doesn't want to talk things through. everything is fine and dandy when everything is fine and dandy but if i stand my ground he just gets worse. and don't say get counselling, i've tried that, he doesn't even think he's wrong in the first place and absolutely rejects the idea. will it really take me to leave him before he stops? or do i just have to live with the fact that i married a jerk and try not to set him off? what is better?

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Ok, abusive guys are never abusive all the time. They generally blow up, and that's why they can keep a woman, because they flip flop between sweet and psycho. No one can stand psycho 100% of the time.

Many women that are abused are actually married to the man that abuses them, and experts will tell you the exact same thing. Get the guy to get counselling or leave.

Do you have kids with the guy? If you do then it's harder and I suggest you speak to an expert first. But he/she will just tell you to get the guy to have a chat with them.

If you don't yet have kids with him yet, then ask yourself this. When you do have kids do you want someone to abuse your kids? Abusive men not only emotionally abuse or hit their women but their kids. Trust me, you don't want a guy to be smacking your kids around. That'll hurt even more.

If he definitely will not get help, and it's so hard to contemplate leaving him or divorce. If you love him, and willing to stay even if he doesn't share the same love, then do this.......

You let the cycle continue, either you can stand it forever or you can't. If you can no longer stand it then you leave him years later, but with a lot emotional or maybe even physical scars.

I can tell you now there's no way you can "not set him off". What type of life is that? If he pisses you off, you can't even discuss? You have to take his crap, but if you say a word he blows up. It's like living in fear.

If you don't want to get him to see a pro, you could always take HIS advice. 'Leave'

Anonymous said...

i knew that would be the answer.... am i just psycho? loving this guy so much still after all this...

advice matter how much you love them, they will never see it.

Carlton Bradshaw said...

No, you're not psycho. It's very hard to pull away from someone that you love.

It's not an easy choice. Something you can either delay or face earlier to save time and pain.

Pretty much every single girl I've given advice on problematic guys have left the guys. Be it guys that are players, guys that won't commit to marriage, or abusive guys. All the girls WILL leave the guy at some final stage.

Generally it's when they've given up hope. Or the pain of staying with them is great enough to motivate them to leave.

Since you're married rather than just dating a guy, I'm not suggesting to leave the guy without trying to improve the marriage.

But here's the key, most girls think they've done something wrong and need to change. No, that's the wrong way to look at it. Especially when it comes to abusive guys, they've got a problem and need to change. It's no different if they got a drinking or drug problem.

If you really want to solve the problem. Speak to your guy in a frank, serious manner, keep unemotional. Grab him and look him in the eyes.

Ask him to get professional help to deal with and change his behavior. He's probably been abused himself to be that way, and his feelings and thoughts are repressed. He won't admit somethings wrong with him.

Tell him to go if he loves you, because it's hurting you. Make sure you go together, to make sure he goes, you can wait in the waiting room rather than listen in.

If he doesn't go then it shows he doesn't care. In which case, I will not tell someone to get a divorce, but you will have a very hard time, just "hanging in there" indefinitely.

Treat YOURSELF right.

amirprima said...

Well I feel better now after reading your exactly the one who stuck into this situation!!!

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