Saturday, September 13, 2008

How to get a guy to settle down part 9: Playing hard to get

I have a female friend that's really pretty and she's very nice, but she's been single for a long time, so I asked a few questions to find out why. I then realised the girl was probably acting too defensive when guys approached her, and it came off as playing hard to get, and she was conveying "not interested" without realising it.

Playing hard to get doesn't work.........let me explain why.

I recently bought a bunch of books for research in preparation for a book I want to write, and I realised several of the most popular self help books on the market basically just teach women how to play hard to get. Now I know why those books got so popular, because they are written in a way which come off as empowering to women. The impression they give is, if you are too nice you will only get hurt (which is true if you're unlucky) but if you play hard to get you'll definitely get the guy you want, which is a big friggin lie. One book even said that if you play hard to get even the biggest player in the world will fall for you. That's just a lie, and not surprising considering the book was written by authors that were advocating games and deception.

Even if you could get the biggest player in the world to fall for you, why would you even want such a man? Men don't really change, and if you marry a big player there's greater chance the guy's just going to fuck around later when you're married.

Now, some girls would say the ideas in these books actually work. But that's because by playing hard to get you guarantee two things. One, the guys that don't really like you will by put off and quit chasing, that includes the players. Two, you'll be so self absorbed by your happiness, you, yourself, and not getting YOURSELF hurt, that you will love the guy less than he loves you, and that's always a good way to reduce the chances of getting hurt.

Ok, so it's not easy finding someone that loves you the same as you love them, in most relationships one person is more in love. That's true even for many married couples. But manipulation is unnatural, it's tiring and will only create problems years later when it creates a series of other problems.

Playing hard to get also only works on those that are blindly and crazily in love with you in the first place. What the books suggest is that men like challenges, so as soon as you play hard to get you drive men raving mad and every man wants to buy you a wedding ring. Now it works more on guys that enjoy a challenge, but that doesn't mean the guy's necessarily going to be a good partner, because many players and stringers also enjoy challenges and they're the ones that will be problematic in a relationship later on.

Meanwhile when you play hard to get you turn off three groups of men that generally make good partners. Firstly the intuitive, perceptive types that understand people clearly and can tell when they're being jerked around. Secondly, the introverted shy tpyes, who'll make a good partner but needs an encouraging pull rather than a shove away. Last but not least, the guys that have been hurt just like yourself, and don't ever want to go near a woman that's playing games.

The key ladies is to not be easy, and to retain your independence. "Playing hard to get" and "not being easy" are not the same thing, work it out.......The key to happiness is a balancing issue, which is to love someone but also to love yourself and protect yourself at the same time.

So how not to be easy?

Firstly, do not ever have sex with a guy too soon. In fact, if a guy asks you to spend the night with him on the first two dates, say bye forever. Guys are not stupid, they know women don't want to have sex too soon. So the guys that want to have sex with you on the first couple of dates either view you as a sex object, or doesn't really like you because if he did he knows he should wait. Don't buy all that, "hey baby I like you a lot, so want to be with you" crap. Have a little dignity and realise even if you like the guy, he's dick is more important than you and don't call him again. Or you have sex with him if you think he's cute, but you better be aware it was just sex!

After the first couple of dates he might start trying but you shouldn't have sex with a guy in the first month you're seeing him. That way you get to learn a lot about each other, and he developes feelings for you, rather than the sex just being a physical act.

The other thing about not being easy is how to act once you're already in a stable relationship. Do not turn into the guy's mum or maid on call. That's the quickest way for a guy to start losing interest in you. Don't always be the one to go over to a guys place every time he wants you. If you're going to be a dial-a-hug, dial-a-maid or worse, dial-a-fuck, he's going to take you for granted. That's because he knows you love him so much you're willing to be on call.

You can help but do not clean up the guy's place regularly. You're not a maid or his mum, if you don't like his place being messy tell him to clean it up himself or hire a maid or you're going to dump him. Always make sure the guy knows if he doesn't treat you right, you will leave him.

The problem with loving a person too much is if that person starts taking you for granted, they will start pushing the limits of what they can get away with. The person that's more in love will give way because they're scared if they don't it will cause conflict and they will lose the one they love. Little do they know that simply by giving way, and doing everything the other person wants, they're already on the path to losing them. Even if they don't lose the guy, they're going to be on the path to a terribly unhappy relationship.

Plus, maids and mums are boring. Guys want to date someone that's fun and exciting, just like girls want to date guys that are fun and exciting. People that are going to be an adventure to be with rather than boring, are generally more attractive to the opposite sex.

Not being easy is not an excuse to be a bitch either, to act detached, alof or abrasive. I know there's a lot of selfish bitches out there that wonder why they're alone. Well...........because you're a selfish bitch! What the vast majority of men want is a woman that's indepedent, and not a push over, but at the same time still caring and supportive. Remember, it's not about playing hard to get. It's about balance! This is what seperates the girls that men will date for years and then break up with, and the ones they want to marry.

Also, if you're still wondering why you don't have a man, it's because you need to get out there in the first place. You can't meet men staying at home, so join clubs, go to more social events and even go speed dating. Just meet more guys, and be willing to flirt. Get a bigger pool to pick from, just be more selective and don't be easy once you get into the whole courtship process with a guy.

Confused? No one said it was going to be easy. If you've got questions you can't contact me on facebook, or read the book when it comes out.


Nonie said...

Totally agree with you about those self-help books....most of them are in the same theme about " hard to get" and let the men suffer before you fully committe to them. How the hell a relationship can develope base on that?! Anyway...agian there is no rules on what's the best way to make relationship works. Self-respect is the key I suppose.

Carlton Bradshaw said...

There are many personality types, and people have different expectations. So there are few rules that work for everyone.

However, there are general rules such as "not being easy", or self respect as you put it that are important for all relationships.

I disagree with you however when you say there are no rules on what's the best way to make a relationship work, because if that's the case marriage or couples counseling would have zero affect on the ability of couples to improve their situation.

The important thing though is understanding the person you are with, and how they tick. Then it's possible to work out the best way to interact and communicate with them.

Some people think "strategies" don't work, and therefore they'll just be themselves, and then wonder why they fail in relationships. Ultimately there are better ways to communicate and deal with relationships, just as there are better ways to deal with human beings in other areas of life.

Problem with dealing with relationships is that because there is so much complexity, it's hard to find the right strategy, and then there are always emotions and selfish desires that cloud judgement.

Amy said...

Guys are not stupid, they know women don't want to have sex too soon."

This is so NOT TRUE. Women have their needs, we actually do WANT sex and we ENJOY it. Nevermind urban myths, it doesn t play a role if we met the guy that night or if we have known him for years.

Carlton Bradshaw said...

You're right. I made a misleading comment. Lots of girls like to have sex without strings attached.
But when a girl really likes a guy she doesn't want to have sex with the guy and then get dumped right after.
Guys know this so the ones that actually really like a girl are willing to wait.

But I also said if you find out the guy is thinking of you only as a sex object, and you still think he's cute, then you can still have sex with him. Just leave it at that and don't expect anything more.

It's all about expectations.

ike said...

Amy: So why do girls, with the same base urges, have so many more inhibitions about a guy they just met? It must not be due to social pressures (that her friends view her as "easy"), since those friends have the same urges and thoughts.

I met an older woman a few weeks ago, at a club with her sister. After dancing a while, we were on the same page, but she said she couldn't leave with me because she had been out of town some months, she was with her sister, etc. Then, for whatever reason, without further convincing (I had tried and failed there, but liked her and hung around), a little while later she just had a total change of mind. We were both happy for it. She had simply been content to say to her sister, let's do lunch tmrw.

On women, paraphrasing Golding, I only know that I know nothing. Usually that's a bad thing; once in a blue moon, the result is positive.

Anonymous said...

all this talk about what strategies to use or whether to play games at all... but what about the fundamental question: how do you know someone likes you? if we knew what the deal was being ourselves would be so much easier, both for boys and girls.

Carlton Bradshaw said...

That question is actually easier to answer than peoeple realise. People just seem to overcomplicate the "does he/ she like me?" question by asking too many what if's.

Also, when a guy or girl likes someone they hope the other person will like them back, so even if there's lack of interest they often confuse a friendly gesture for interest.

If a guy really liked a girl he would chase the girl. There are many guys that are shy or been hurt before by girls. But at the end of the day if the guy really liked a girl he would ask the girl out for a date.

If a guy pursues a girl he's interested. If he's stops calling then he's lost interest. It's as simple as that. There's a good book called "He's just not that into you" which drills this point in time and time again.

As for whether a girl likes a guy. A lot of guys find girls hard to read. But usually if a girl's smiling and flirting, she's interested. If a girl goes on a date with a guy she's interested. The key is to grow that interest, so the girl wants to be with the guy.

Don't believe me? If a girl is not interested, it doesn't matter if the guy calls her 100 times. She's just going to think he's an annoying creep.

Whether someone is interested or not is a simple matter. All you have to do is remove hope, and look at the situation clearly.

Anonymous said...

makes sense but things arent always as black and white. what if the other person is hot and cold? probably means they might be interested but not really that much. hard to gage whether hard work might flip the coin or whether it will just annoy them more.

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Why worry about annoying the other person? How else you suppose to find out?

If it's a guy hitting on a girl, go for it, nothing to lose, if you hit on the girl there's some chance, if not there's zero chance.

As for a girl hitting on a guy, I strongly suggest that's a bad idea. But a girl can flirt, and if there's no respons the guy's probably not interested. No need to complicate with what if he's lukewarm. If he's not sure, then forget it.

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