Tuesday, August 12, 2008

How to get a guy to settle part 7: Compromise (cont'd)

Ok, so what do these lists tell us?

Well, first of all the lists give a more structured idea of what girls really wants in a man. Just about every girl will hope for the "jackpot guy". The jackpot guy is the guy that’s charismatic, has a good job, and will be faithful and commit. But unfortunately the jackpot guy probably forms less than 1% of the single male population. Every time he magically appears he’s snapped up immediately.

For the other 99% of the female population, you need to make a compromise. Certain qualities just don’t mix together. For example charisma and commitment tend to be inversely related, because the more charismatic men can get lots of women, and hence don’t want to settle with just one girl.

Successful players all have qualities from list 1 (charisma), and depending on the age and profession will also have qualities from list 2 (money). But of course they lack qualities from list 3 (commitment). Women fall for players because they are instinctively attracted to the qualities in list 1. When a player hits on a girl, the girl doesn’t know whether he sleeps around or not, she might not even care. The player is concerned about getting the girl in bed, and what the girl is thinking about is she’s met a guy that’s charming and charismatic.

All a player has to do to get a girl in bed is not to come off as a guy that won’t commit during the courtship phase. He might not even have to lie, it’s the girl that’s made the assumption the player was serious when he wasn’t. The player’s mission is basically to form a fantasy in the girl’s head, because that’s where his success lies.

I know a friend so wrapped up in the fantasy, her man later told her he doesn’t want to commit and wants to see other girls, and she won’t leave him because she hopes he will settle down one day.

Here’s the not so big secret………You can’t create the jackpot man! Men don’t change just because you hope they will!

Women do this all the time, they go find a charismatic man, and then expect they can change that guy and he will settle down. Then when the man doesn’t change they’ve wasted 2-3 years on a man. It’s not a big secret once you realize the dynamics of the problem and the small odds of ever finding the jackpot man. Even if a girl is extremely attractive the chances of finding the jackpot man is down to luck, which is why all those pretty girls out there are still looking and still single.

Here’s a couple of mistakes to avoid, and strategies if applied would help a girl increase her chances of finding a decent guy, not the jackpot guy, but someone decent.

Stop trying to find the jackpot guy, you can’t control whether you find him or not. It’s purely down to chance, and the odds are pretty low. Girls that "know what they want" but want perfection will end up single for life. (So will guys, and I know a few guys like that)

Do not focus on list 2 too much, especially the quality of a guy lavishing gifts on his girlfriend. Hong Kong is a place that places too much importance on materialism, and lots of girls are too materialistic. HK men are not dumb, women here are infamous amongst the men for being too greedy. Firstly, when a girl expects too many free meals and gifts from her man, then unless she has some sort of control over her man, the man can get rid of her whenever he loses interest. Secondly, imagine meeting Jackpot man, who’s actually got money and will provide for his wife, but he happens to hate gold diggers and girls that take their men for granted.

Girls that are materalistic are just reducing their own chances of finding a commited husband. But if lots of gifts and free meals are more important than a partner for life then sure, a girl should pursue what makes her happy.

Realize that list 3 is the most important and list 1 is the least. List 3 has no meaning if you are just having a fling, but unless you can break up with the guy without heartache you better find someone strong on list 3 in the first place. Focusing on list 1 and hoping to get qualities in list 3 out of the guy can be a big waste of time and potential tragedy. This is not to say that you go out and find a totally boring guy, because you still need to be happy. But lots of girls need to lower their expectations for list 1.

Girls need to get out there to meet more people. When they’re out there they need to be open to dating all guys, and not just the ones that are charismatic and create the best first impressions. The reason women seem to always end up with players is because players always make the first move! Some men might have high marks from list 2 and 3, but just happen to be shy and not as socially outgoing. They might not be the jackpot man but they could be a great boyfriend and husband, you just had to take the time to get to know them! So if a guy is shy a girl could always flirt with him to arouse interest or make him braver.


Anonymous said...

Dear Editor,

Hey just wanted to say this is fantastic blog and the things you've said in there really ticks in my mind. For three years I've been wondering what went wrong in the past relationship, and here, here it is, laid out in plain and honest words right in front of me.

I've sent this link to a couple of my girlfriends (even a few guy friends actually) and they all came back to me and said this blog is interesting and insightful! Many of them said, oh my god this is me. So you were really spot on. You might want to cover off a gay section though, a friend of mine was disappointed that a relationship blog didn't offer such a section, but I gently reminded him that perhaps the author was only targeting male-female relationships.

Anyway, just my humble feedback. Good luck with getting it published into a book one day, if you ever will.

Anonymous female banker

Carlton Bradshaw said...


The reason I haven't written a gay section is because no1, I don't have personal experience. When I research male-female relationships I can relate so I can write more.

No2, I don't have any close gay friends I can speak to, so I can't get a picture of what the gay scene is like.

For me to understand gay relationships and their dynamics I would have to take a lot of time to interview people.

Considering I have a full time job already I am pushing the limits writing this blog. Only if I quit my job would I have time to research something I was not familiar with.

Let's see where this blog goes, if I write a book there's probably no going back to the banking industry.

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