Monday, August 25, 2008

How to get a guy to settle part 8: Love someone who loves you

So, what other ways to find out if a guy’s going to be the committed type and not just stringing you along? Well the simple and seemingly obvious answer is to like only those guys that love you, and going to treat you well.

But to do this, you might need to have the strength to control your own instincts and figure out what you deem attractive.

Now, as explained at the beginning of this blog. Women are instinctively attracted to "bad guys". Firstly a guy that’s outgoing will naturally be able to get more women, and doesn't need to stick with one girl. Secondly, as explained in Chapter 2 in June if a women has children with a guy that can reproduce with more women (usually an alpha male type) then if she has a son with this guy, her son will also be more promiscuous, hence sleep around and also pass her genes on.

You might think that’s ridiculous, women don’t pick men that sleep around. "Give me a break! Women want nice guys!" you say. But speaking from personal experience, and many other guys will testify to this. Nice guys come last, and women are more likely to pick "bad guys". When I was younger I learnt to stop caring for girls so much when I was chasing them. When I didn’t really like a girl but just wanted to get a her in bed, I came off as cool and fun to be with, and I would be more likely to get the girl. But whenever I really cared about a girl, it would show and I would come off as needy and desperate, the girl would lose interest, and I would get my feelings hurt.

Haha, don’t go awwww. I’m being very serious here, and it’s all true.

People that really care may sometimes try a bit too hard, and come off desperate, clingy, and needy. As I said before even players can end up getting their hearts broken, because the irony is on the rare occasions the player really was serious about someone, that someone didn’t care back.

That just shows that it’s not only about the looks or how eligible a guy is. When a guy doesn’t care, he scores higher on list 1, and the woman is naturally attracted to him. But it’s hard to tell if he’s going to score high or low on list 3. Players don't broadcast their intentions and that's the secret to their success. The guy could be sleeping with 5 girls at the same time, and as long as the girl doesn’t find out, because she likes him, she will naturally assume he scores high on list 3. If she really likes him she won't even care if he scores low!

Now, when I say nice guys I don’t mean an ugly guy you find repulsive. I mean a decent looking guy that’s interesting, but you start losing interest because he’s calling you 5 times a day, and always wants to see you. You’re probably losing interest because he’s coming off as desperate and needy. But he’s probably not a loser, it’s more likely he just really cares about you. If the definition of a loser is someone that breaks your heart, then it’s probably more likely a guy that’s cool, confident, but indifferent will be that loser, than someone that comes off as needy.

It may seem so obvious, but you’ll be surprised how women are driven by instinct to like "bad guys", and ignore the guys that will actually treat them well. Some women learn to give up on players earlier in life after being hurt, but many women in their 30's will still end up dating men that are interesting but won’t commit.

Another way to spot if someone’s going to score low on list 3 is to find out how they treat other people. A guy that’s generally good with a good heart is less likely to cheat on you or use you, because it’s not in his nature. But if a guy is shit to others, then he’s likely to be shit to all girls. I posted earlier about narcissists, people that love themselves too much and will be bad partners in relationships.
There are also guys that just see women as physical sex objects. These guys might be good fun to hang out with as friends, and they will probably have many female friends they respect, but when it comes to the girls they chase, it’s a game and they don’t care if they break the girl’s heart.

Again you say it’s obviousnot to go for such guys. But again, you’ll be surprised how many girls stay with guys they know have broken the hearts of many girls. The key to the player’s success is he won’t advertise it at the start, and once the girl finds out later she’s too in love to care. Even if she worries he’s going to do it to her as well, chances are she can't stop being with the guy.

Some girls even date guys that have girlfriends or married already, desperately hoping she can make a guy leave his woman for her. Now you might look down on such women, but again the secret to the guy's success is he doesn't broadcast he's married at the start. Once the girl is in love she's finds it much harder to leave the guy even if she knows what she's doing is wrong.

But I think the answer here is simple. If a guy can leave a girl he’s already with for another girl, he can do it again to the new girl some time in the future.

So if you're done dating guys that seem fun but break your heart, then simply date the guy loves you at the start. He might come off as desperate and needy, but someone that’s already in love with you will be less likely to be playing around. If he's really a weirdo, and not desperate and needy because he's in love, it's much easier for you to drop him emotionally, than someone you love but doesn't care about you.

Of course, once you find out the guy is abusive, cheats all the time, and manipulative. The reality is he doesn't really love you at all. No matter how much it hurts, you got to leave him. There are so many other guys out there, and dragging it on is just a waste of your own time.....


Anonymous said...

This is a very interesting blog. I just came across it on fbk and have gone through all the old posts in two days of intermittent reading. Hope you will continue!

wzforever said...

Interesting, it's always good to hear the guy's side of the story...but still some of the things i just couldn't help disagreeing with ~~

Carlton Bradshaw said...

That's cool. Which bits do you disagree with? One thing to remember when reading this blog is that a lot of the points don't apply to everyone, but some people. Whilst some points are generalisations, and apply to the majority of the people I am refering to.

Anonymous said...

Hey I don't believe that all girls like bad guys, I think nice guys are hard to come by these days. Guys are all crazy about you at the beginning, then they get bored and want some other new toys, or once they know that they have you in their pocket, they don't want to make any more efforts, or they are shit scared that they will get stuck.

So the only way to keep them interested is to never make them feel they have you completely. We have to always keep our independence, our own life with our own friends and activities. This is often the mistake people make, boy or girl, once they find somebody then they totally cut off the rest of their lives and live only for the other person.

So please be nice to us, we did like bad boys when we were really really young but we are not that dumb anymore!


Carlton Bradshaw said...

Yeah, I agree, older women that have been hurt tend to not go for the bad boy types anymore.

I am not saying ALL girls, like bad boys. I am refering to the instinctive attraction of a bad boy. At the end of the day our psychology is a combination of genetics and our environment. If a girl has been hurt by players, she will learn sooner or later (hopefully sooner) not to follow her instincts.

Yeah, it's very important for a girl to retain independence in a relationship. Interesting you brought this up. It was actually going to be my next post.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed your posts. I am trying to focus on 'nice guys' now but it's hard. As honestly speaking, there are many choices for girls and it's hard not to choose good looking guys with decent jobs to make up what I missed when we were younger.

The remarks you made is intrigging as it just coincides with the comments made by a date of mine - the girls would stick to you if you treat them badly.

Together with other remarks he made, I had to let him go.

My question to you is, is there any way to deal with the guy like this? He is obviously a nice person but he may be in the process of picking up the tricks to be a player.

Carlton Bradshaw said...

First of all realize that a nice guy doesn't mean he's going to be a good partner. As I already mentioned there are guys out there who make great friends, even with girls, but make bad partners.

Secondly, girls need to realize they can't change guys. Guys will generally change when they are ready, not because the girl is great. If this guy is only starting to learn to be a player then he's probably pretty young. Remember there is an age of commitment for men. Prior to that lots of guys want to go and screw around.

The key is not to be too easy with any guy. You don't need to date a boring guy, but if an outgoing guy really likes a girl, then he can wait six weeks before having sex with her. Players and guys not genuinely interested rarely wait that long.

There are other factors as well, but I'm writing a book soon and they'll be in the book.

Anonymous said...

That's great to hear. It'd be fun to read your book.

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