Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The night I caught the flu

Ladies and gentlemen

Let me explain something to you.

Most of the problems you have as a result of the opposite sex can be avoided if simply if you listened your to better judgement instead of throwing caution to the wind by following your primal desires.

The weekend I just had was a perfect example. It started pretty innocently on Friday night......

Friday night 10 pm: Met up with a friend and took her to my friend's bday party in a private club where everyone seemed to be having a lot of fun. I was meant to be on a diet and off alcohol for the next month. However seeing how everyone was having so much fun I told myself a vodka tonic couldn't hurt, I mean I wasn't exactly ordering a pint of beer.

Two hours later I had finished my 5th Vodka tonic and this should have been a warning to myself that I had zero willpower and self control, and should avoid all risky endeavors for the night.

Midnight: Leave my friend's bday party and meet up with this girl I met two weeks ago. She was with her cousins and friends and we all go to a relatively packed and pumping club.

00:15am: The girl buys me my 6th Vodka tonic. Normally I wouldn't dream of letting a girl buy me drinks but since she knows the bartenders and can get the drinks for dead cheap I oblige.

00:30am: Her cousin's fiance's cousin (I know it's confusing), this really short, ugly, annoying guy who obviously doesn't know how to pick up women starts trying to drag me across the club, telling me how he was going to teach me the art of pick up.

I didn't think this was a good idea since I wanted to chat to the girl I came with, plus I didn't think it was a good idea to let women see me walking around with this guy.

00:40am: Girl tells me her face is getting really hot, and that she had a fever earlier in the morning. I touch her head and indeed her forehead was sizzling. I told her she shouldn't be out and maybe she should go home, but she insists she's fine. I proceed to rub ice cubes over her face. I wasn't sure if this was a good move or not but I don't care anymore because I am on my 7th vodka.

01:15am: Head to the dancefloor with the girl. The dancefloor was packed which meant I was pressed close to her. Perfect! We started grinding and I was getting seriously turned on, plus I realized if I wanted to I could easily kiss her. But then I remembered she had a fever and it would obviously be a bad idea to make out with a girl that was ill.

Normally it would be easy to make the right choice. But after 7 vodka tonics, my brain decided the choice wasn't that easy. In fact, I started having an internal monologue about the merits of making out with a girl that was obviously not feeling well. It went something like this:

Good Willie: Don't you dare touch her lips. You'll get sick.

Bad Willie: Dude, her mouth is about 6 inches away from your mouth. This might be your only chance so just go for it.

Good Willie: She's running a fever. You know one of the early symptoms of the Ebola virus is a high fever?

Bad Willie: Put your hand on her butt, you can't catch a virus via hand to butt contact.

Good Willie: Willie, you're obviously desperate or a manwhore.

Bad Willie: Oh come on. She's wearing a short miniskirt and she's looking hot. Any normal guy given the circumstances would put his hand on her ass. (proceeds to start kissing her neck)

Good Willie: Don't kiss her lips! You will regret it tomorrow!

Bad Willie: uh huh, whatever. Talk to the hand, bitch.

01:16am: After 20 seconds of internal monologue, start making out with the girl.

02:30am: Go and grab some food. Kiss the girl some more.

03:30am: Move to Prive, when we get there it's relatively empty and I'm not surprised. There was this stench of puke towards the left side of the club. Someone obviously couldn't handle their alcohol, and considering how packed Prive normally is, I couldn't help but imagine this girl or guy puking up all over a bunch of people.

03:45am: The annoying guy that wanted to teach me how to pick up girls arrives at Prive. He didn't leave with us because he was trying to pick some girl up. Now he was at the front, trying to get in and with this buck toothed pork chop who was all excited, probably because she hasn't been picked up in over two years.

I don't want to be mean, but this girl was so ugly even the girl I was with commented on how she was getting goose bumps.

04:15am: Prive is officially dead and they close the club earlier than usual.

04:30am: Annoying guy and bucked toothed pork chop go home in a cab..................I feel sick and almost puked up on the curb.

04:40am: Call it a night. Say bye to everyone, kiss the girl again and head on home.

Next morning...............

09:30: Wake up feeling like shit which is pretty normal after a big night out.

09:31: Check facebook.

10am: Wash my face, brush my teeth, take a dump. All the normal things people do in the morning.

11am: Go downstairs to eat breakfast.

Noon: Go back to sleep, had another party to go to later that night so wanted to be well rested.

4pm: Wake up and still feel shit. Which is not right because normally after an afternoon nap I stop feeling hung over and get on with my life again. But then I sneeze twice.....oh oh.

Good Willie: See I told you!

Bad Willie: STFU

5pm: I start having that feeling a person gets just before he gets sick. Kinda lightheaded, and a bit sore all over the body. But I decided it couldn't really be that bad. I mean I was drinking vodka, and alcohol kills germs right? There was no way I could have gotten sick by making out with the girl.

Never underestimate the power of denial..........

5:30pm: I head to the gym. I know it's not a good idea to work out if I'm feeling sick, but I needed to work off the calories from the night before. Besides, I wasn't sick, it was just my imagination..............right?

8pm: Back home from the gym and feel like shit. Take my temperature and it's 37.9 celcius. That's ok, right? I mean the normal body temperature is 37 degrees celcius.

9pm: 38.1 celcius. Oh shit, this isn't good. But I had another bday party to attend and I promised to go. Also sick girl was out again tonight and I wanted to see her again.

11pm: 38 celcius. Good, I'm getting better already. This is my greenlight for going out, life is too short to worry anyway...........

Day 3: 10am: I check my temperature and it's 38.3 celcius. I feel like shit and I'm burning up. I feel like calling my mum but I realize she lives over an hour away. I SMS sick girl and she tells me she just got back from the doctor and was running a high fever.

Good Willie:

Ladies and gentlemen

Let me explain something to you.

Most of the problems you have as a result of the opposite sex can be avoided if simply if you listened your to better judgement instead of throwing caution to the wind by following your primal desires.
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