Thursday, July 31, 2008

How to get a guy to settle part 2: Age of commitment

The first and most important thing girls need to realize is that no matter what a girl does, some men will never commit. She could be the greatest woman in the world, and those guys will always hesitate when it comes to commitment, think there are flaws with her, or look for other girls.

To make matters worse infatuation will cloud judgment. When a woman’s already started a relationship with a man that’s not going to settle down, she will hope she can change that man. At best a woman manages to pull herself away from the man with some minor heartache. At worst a woman keeps going back to or stays with a complete loser, as if she’s addicted to the man, and wastes years in the process.

So the first and most important thing is to realize men can’t be changed. Lots of women pick guys that are not ready and then hope to change them into guys that will marry. The bad boys out there that finally decide to settle down do so because they've finally gotten tired of their previous lifestyle. The girl doesn't have much control over this unfortunately.

To empower themselves women need to totally change the way they select men. Avoid starting relationships with guys that are not going to commit, and only pick those that are the marrying type to begin with.

The first criteria is age. Guys will not marry till they reach an age where they are comfortable with the concept of marriage, lets call this the age of commitment. If you meet a guy that’s younger than his age of commitment then it is very unlikely the guy will consider marriage. The most you can do is hope for is a long term relationship that lasts till the guy hits his age of commitment. But something could happen in between which ends the relationship.

The average marrying age for men in Hong Kong is currently 31.1 (first marriage stats only), and there is a distribution curve around this average. Obviously there are differences between the ages different guys settle down at, but the bulk of the guys will be marrying close to the average, the younger they are the fewer the number of guys that will marry, and same for the older you get. Note that the age at which a guy proposes is obviously younger than the age of actual marriage.

But there are also different distribution curves for guys with different educational backgrounds and socioeconomic status. A high school grad will be willing to marry earlier, generally willing to accept the concept by 23 and marrying between 25-31. The distribution curves of most colleague grads are 3 years later, willing to accept the concept around 26, and marrying between 28-33, whilst those that require the most education, or in the most competitive environments will marry the latest.

The most ambitious and career orientated guys generally want to get to a stage where they feel the most comfortable with their careers before they even think about marrying. This usually means pushing back as far as possible. These include investment bankers, those that work in the front office in a trading floor, lawyers and doctors. Guys in these professions tend to marry between 30-36.

The ranges diven capture the vast majority of the men that do marry in each of these groups. So if you want to increase your chances of finding a man that will settle down, then the man should be approaching or already in this age of commitment bracket.

If you meet a banker or lawyer when he’s only 27 it’s very unlikely he will commit, so you will have to be with the guy for 3 years just for him to get to the beginning of his range. Expect then if he’s going to be a typical banker or lawyer then he won’t be getting married till 8 years after you start dating him (age 35). That’s an 8 year investment and risk the girl has to take, and it’s not a guarantee. Often stringers will sting a girl along for 5-7 years, only to get bored and then meets someone new who they marry. The irony is that the first girl may have been a great girl and better girlfriend but the timing was wrong.

The smart and logical thing to do then is to turn away all guys well below their age of commitment, and only go for those that are already close to or in their bracket.

Key points from this post:

Some guys just won’t commit. It doesn't matter how well you treat him, and don't even attempt to change a guy.

To avoid wasting time and getting hurt identify and only start relationships with the marrying types.

Guys rarely marry before their age of commitment.

Education level and socioeconomic status affects the age of commitment. Career orientated guys generally settle down later.

Starting a relationship with a guy that’s too far away from his age of commitment is too much risk. The key is timing.

Pick guys that are already close to or in their age of commitment bracket!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

How to get a guy to settle part 1: Ojectives

When I speak to a lot of girls they seem to have a belief that they have very little control over what happens in relationships, and that we should just find someone we like and hopefully things will work out.

What if I told you people could have much more control over their relationships? What if you could empower yourself to find the right person and have a great relationship with that person? Finding the one is not a random process. One study I looked at was researched by female researchers who started the study because they were fed up of not finding men that would commit. Within 3 years all the researchers got married because they applied their own research to how they selected men.

The first and most important step in avoiding stringers, players, and having success in relationships in general is to understand yourself. This entire blog is actually about trying to achieve two things, one is to teach you about others, and the other to teach you about yourself.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself just from writing this blog. Who I am, what I want, and what my strengths and weaknesses are.

Most people search externally for the answer to more success, they don’t look within themselves. The reason why I say understanding yourself is important is because many women do two things that hurt themselves. Firstly women are naturally attracted to men that are the worst at committing (it’s genetic, explained in June/Chapter 2), and many try to make things work with these men hence prolonging and making a painful process even worse.

Just so all you ladies out there don’t think I’m full of crap, and you don’t believe self understanding can allow you to exercise more control over relationships, I will use myself as an example. Mainly because I actually have to deal with more issues than most people, so if you feel bad I'm right there with you.

My real father cheated on my mum when I was still a baby, and she left him. I haven’t seen him since I was a baby so I don’t even know what he looks like. My stepdad was a very responsible man, he provided for my family, but I was never close to him. So I never experienced a father/son relationship and was never close to anyone in my family.

My experience growing up is a classic case of parents get divorced when young (which is different from divorce when the child is older), lack of fatherly love, and no older male role model. People like me generally grow up with problems getting intimate with another person, and have very little faith in relationships and in the institution of marriage.

If I didn’t know that about myself, I would spend the rest of my life screwing up my relationships and won’t even know why. By knowing that about myself, I can find solutions to the problem and change myself.

Ok, so not everyone is able to psychoanalyze themselves. But everyone can do something that is very simple:

Ask yourself what you want, have an objective in your mind, and do things that work towards that objective and don’t stray. I’m surprised how so many women are successful in their careers because they have clear objectives and have a step by step approach to achieving their objectives, but in their personal lives there’s no direction, no plan, just a lot of confusion.

Are you tired of the pressure and frustration of just dating, but sexually frustrated and looking for some fun and company? Then go and find yourself a fling or fuck buddy. But you better stick to this objective. If you want casual fun, stick to casual fun, don’t go find a guy that’s just looking to sleep around, and then start developing feelings for him. If you start developing feelings for him then you better cut it off asap. You’ve moved away from your objective and setting yourself for a potentially messy and painful situation.

Do you want a relationship? If so, then are you able to break it off? The reason I ask this strange question is because I spoke to a girl last night that told me not all girls want to get married, or thinking of marriage.

Oh really? Well that’s not true, because if you think about it, every single relationship either goes on forever or ends. There is no other choice! So, you’re either going to break up one day or get married, there is no in between, unless you remain together but not married till you die.
So, are you able to "have some fun" and break up your relationships at will? If not then you better either keep it shallow, just based on sex, and never develop emotions for a guy, or you find a guy that will actually marry you in the end. Everything else in between is not clearly defined and that’s why people get hurt, and girls end up wasting precious years with the wrong guys in the wrong relationships.

It’s easy for a girl to get sex if she wants, I don’t need to teach that. So the next post will just focus finding guys that are the marrying types.

Key points from this post:

  • Success in relationships is not random, there are certain strategies that work better than others.

  • You can have control and power over success with the other sex and in your relationships.

  • Understand yourself.

  • Have an objective in your mind, what do you want?

  • All relationships either end one day or end in marriage.

  • Unless you just want sex, find guys that will actually marry you (refer to point above if you’re confused as to why). Everything in between is potentially messy and painful.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

July/ Chapter 11: Stringers

Most girls think the worst type of guy is the player, they sleep around or chat up multiple women but have no intension of ever starting a relationship with the woman. But actually the most "dangerous" type of men is the stringer.

Stringers are men that string women along in a long term relationship, and they will actually like the girl. They like to have the comfort of a woman next to them, sleeping with their girlfriend, eating with their girlfriend, and possibly living with her. But they will never make a real commitment, have zero intension of getting married and are totally indecisive till given an ultimatum. . Stringers are all over the place, hard to spot and could be responsible for girls ending up single for life. It’s a pretty serious issue.

Sounds scary? It sure is, but I'll explain over the next few posts what girls can do to remove the stringer problem.

A player hits on a girl and then moves on to his next target. Either he doesn’t succeed or he sleeps with the girl and then loses interest after a short period of time. But a player can only do limited damage, because he doesn’t waste too much of a girl’s time.
Most stringers on the other hand can be very decent boyfriend for many years, they will string the girl along for as long as possible till she finally breaks up with him because she realizes he will not marry her. The stringer is a lot more dangerous than a player because he will con a woman into wasting their time during the years when she is the most attractive and most likely to get a marriage proposal.

About 8 months ago I actually fell out with one of my friends because he started dating a mutual female friend of ours. My guy friend was a player, but I wasn’t judging him on that. I can’t go around judging all my guy friends for how they treat girls or I would have very few guy friends. But what I couldn’t stand was the fact that he specifically told me he would never marry the girl, but went ahead anyway and started a relationship. He thought the girl was great to him and very comfortable to be with, but he also thought she was not marriage material for him.

She wasn’t marriage material in his mind because the girl came from a wealthy family, and she quit her job because she was tired of her job. She had the luxury to do so because her family could provide for her, but in his mind this meant she was lazy and if they had a family he would be under pressure to be the sole breadwinner. He also didn’t feel that the girl could provide the type of support he needed to push him forward in his own career. Anyway, whatever the reason may have been, the guy had already analyzed the situation in his head, and decided to date her, but would never marry her.

Now, obviously things can change, maybe she’s been so nice to him he has a change of heart. I hope he will change his mind and all the best of luck to them. But as I will explain in later posts, a stringer doesn’t settle down just because a girl is good to him, and a stringer will rarely change.

Stringers are not necessarily bad people, many don’t even know how much damage they are doing to a girl’s future. Some guys just need more time, but here’s the strange thing. A lot of stringers will date one girl for years and will not commit, then he’ll find a new girl and propose to her within a year.

So there are three things girls can do to deal with stringers, and we'll examine them in later posts:

Avoid stringers altogether by only dating the marrying types.

If you think you are already dating a stringer, then give him an ultimatum.

Change yourself to make the stringer want to marry you.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

July/Chapter 10: Soul Mates

Having talked to quite a lot of people, I've realized that many people are still single now because they’re waiting to find a soul mate. Not many people specify they are looking for one, but judging from what people want and the type of perfection many need, we’re talking about soul mate territory. There’s nothing wrong with looking for a soul mate but I think some people have the wrong expectations of what a soul mate really is.

Ok, first of all let’s define what a soul mate is. The classic definition is someone’s other half, their twin soul, which the person is driven to find to feel complete. More generally a soul mate is someone with whom one has deep feelings of love, intimacy, friendship, sexuality, spirituality, and general compatibility. Basically, it’s a best friend who you also love and have good sex with.

There might be hundreds of people out there who could be potential soul mates for each of us. So how come some people search all their lives and never find a soul mate? That includes many that are already married.......

Well one of the main problems is timing. Someone that might be your soul mate at a certain point in time might just be a heart break if you meet them at the wrong time. That’s one of the reasons why I said it’s a bad idea to start a relationship with anyone that’s got a lot of disposable income but under 30 (usually bankers and lawyers). It’s not that no bankers get married before 30, since every guy’s different. It’s just that the average marrying age is so much higher. So a girl would have to risk years in a relationship with someone that might end up not being ready at all.

Another mistake people make is they believe that a life with a soul mate is easy and natural, and their personalities should easily click. Some people start looking for perfection in their partners, and think that everything in the relationship should click. They feel that with the right person they won’t have problems, and these same people are setting themselves up for big disappointments and potentially an even bigger loss.

People create excuses to bail out of an unhappy relationship or even a happy one because they think their partner isn’t their soul mate. I am certain many people have found their soul mates already and broken up with them because they keep looking for even better, ie something that doesn’t even exist. Being with anyone after a long time requires a lot of work, because arguably human beings are not designed to be together for multiple years without friction or problems. So those that give up on a relationship just because problems develope have probably already said bye to their soul mate.

There can be external temptations. The reason guys find it hard to settle down in a big city is because of the abundance of good looking girls. A guy might already have a great girlfriend but then meets what seems to be an amazing girl. With a new person things always seem great at the start, but there’s a difference between an infatuation that wears off later, and someone that can already be trusted.

You can’t find your soul mate if you haven’t found yourself. Lots of people don’t even understand themselves well enough, and think they’ve found a soul mate when the person is totally not right for them. It’s one of the main reasons why divorce rates are higher for couples that marry younger.
A soul mate is about finding a best friend and partner, it's not about using someone. So the gold diggers and players out there will never find a soul mate until they've learnt that the person they're with is not a free dinner or one of many people they are intimate with.

Finally a soul mate is someone we can be completely honest with. Someone we trust to love us for who we are and not who we pretend to be. There are no secrets and hidden agenda with a true partner in life, and that’s why most married couples are not soul mates. Most people have too much to hide even from their spouse.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Interview with trader girl

Below is a discussion I had with trader girl. Trader girl works in the finance industry and obviously a trader. Smart, attractive and knows what the relationship scene is like, and she's pretty picky about her guys. But who can blame her?

Trader girl: So how has it been here? Anything exciting, you've been going out a lot?

CB: Yeah, a bit. Went to Taipei and hooked up with "Ms player' again. Junk trips, usual clubbing etc

Oh that’s was Taipei? Assuming u had a blast…..miss player...hahhaa. Actually in Vancouver there are loads of playettes. So weird, a lot of my guy friends has had their girlfriends cheat on them or dump them

Interesting, and this is the Asian community?

Correct. I think it all comes down to choices. When there are more choices, or all choices are of the same caliber then you'll be more like to stray.

I don't get why girls cheat. Doesn't make much sense, leaving the guy makes more sense

Why do men cheat...isnt it the same thing ?

Different, men are genetically driven to wanna have sex with lots of women. Women are designed to find the best man. So if a man isn't worth sticking with, might as well dump him.

Well, thats the thing though isn't it, I tell u why women cheat. We may be interested in another guy because he's better in some better looking, smarter, richer or whatever. But we might feel secure with our man and women need security. So we cheat, sex may not be the driver, but it still ends up witth the same result

Yeah, most girls I know seem to have overlapping relationships. They won't leave the first guy till they're firm with the new one.

Yup, so women still cheat...for different reasons though, but the pain i'm sure is just as bad.


How old is Ms Player?

27, turning 28 this yr

Oh that ain’t young either. I was thinking she must be young, Good for her, i like that in a girl, finally someone not desperate for a dude

All about power

Women here are powerless and they're pathetic

lol, that bad huh?

Well they use sex to get power. ie to get a man to fall in love with them and give them money and buy them stuff. But that to me isn’t real power

Why's that?

A guy who’s rich, has the ability to dump the chick, he has the choice to walk away. Let’s face it, when the guy gets sick of u, he trashes you. What can you do? Beg him back?

But so can the girl (walk away) if she's hot enough to get multiple rich guys

She has to fuck undesirable guys. That’s like a hooker.

So what's real power?

When you’re the one that has the money or controls the relationship because then it’s your choice.

With your level of insight into relationships you find it hard to find a guy you like?

I rarely like a guy....


*When I thought about it, I knew tons of girls that were good looking, were rich or had good careers, or both. But they were all single, and that was interesting material for a new post.

Monday, July 21, 2008

July/ Chapter 9: Psychological Projection

Psychological projection is a defense mechanism in which one attributes one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts and emotions to others. The theory was first developed by Sigmund Freud.

Projection is related to denial, where by the person involved is effectively denying a part of themselves that might otherwise cause tremendous anxiety. Take for example a person in a couple that has thoughts of infidelity. If the person’s own value system feels that infidelity is wrong then to consciously deal with these thoughts would create anxiety. In order for the mind to avoid this anxiety the person will keep the thoughts in the subconscious and project the feelings onto their partner.

So the person with thoughts of infidelity will then assume his or her partner has thoughts of infidelity and might be having an affair. In a way it’s a denial and pushing the blame game, but it’s totally subconscious and the person doesn’t even know they’re doing it.

The original theory focused on feelings that was shameful, obscene or dangerous, but to a certain degree we all project on to others thoughts that might create anxiety if we were consciously aware of them.

When it comes to relationships it generally happens when there’s a problem with the relationship. The most common example is at the beginning or at the end. At the beginning girls generally do it more than guys, but which ever party has stronger feelings will often use projected feelings. Lets say there’s a critical flaw in your partner, for example he specifically does not want to settle down, or she’s a manipulative user, a quality that makes a future together either a very bad idea or impossible. A person that likes the other party very much will project their feelings and won’t see the other person objectively, in fact in most cases will only chose to see the good points in what would otherwise be a flawed partner.

The reason this type of projection occurs is because there is conflict between the reality "my partner is not nice" vs the internal expectation "I like someone who will be nice to me, and I like this person hence this person must be nice". To remove the conflict you'll have to either stop liking the person or live in a state of denial, for both statements to remain in the conscious will create anxiety.

Now no one’s perfect but if the other person has some major flaw then it’s best to communicate this with them and see if they can change. If not then it’s just a waste of time and you will get hurt more falsely projecting your feelings on to them.

Usually prior to the end of relationship people do the same, but in the reverse manner. People will project negative feelings onto the partner, usually because the relationship has become boring, or the person is not happy about some aspect of life in general. The partner will then suddenly acquire qualities that are unfairly negative, such as overweight and not as attractive as before, has annoying habits, or plain annoying.

So whether at the beginning or after a long period in a relationship, it’s important to be objective with what your partner is really like, and not to let emotions cloud you see your own relationship. If they indeed do have a flaw then communicate this with them, and if they can’t change then leave them. But if they don’t have a flaw and you’re just projecting it on to them, then it might just be because you’re not happy about something in your own life and things need to change there

Sunday, July 20, 2008

July/ Chapter 8: Sexual Dysfunction part 2

Sexual addiction is the behaviour of someone that exhibits extremely high sex drive, and this manifests in the form of an obsession or addiction to sex with many partners, including prostitutes for some individuals. Now unlike someone that is just highly sexually active, sex addiction is like other psychological addictions where the individual is unwilling or unable to stop the behaviour despite harmful consequences.

Sex addiction affects both sexes, and can affect people of all social classes, and ethnicity. Now it's important for the person affected to know they're not a bad person, it's just a problem millions of people also suffer from. But it should be a problem that is identified and tackled because it affects relationships with those around them (friends, family) and also affects their ability to hold down a proper relationship.

The problem is generally caused by low self esteem, which could have arisen from neglect or sexual abuse as a child. If a child is neglected then it can grow up with unhealthy and negative core self beliefs. When he or she grows up then they will believe people in the world don't care about them.

The irony is that a sex addict might feel desperately lonely, but because they fear or do not believe in intimacy, they will distance themselves from a partner and have problems with keeping a relationship going. After a while the person becomes addicted the rush of meeting and having sex with new partners.

That's because they've become addicted to the brain chemicals linked to sex. For example, dopamine is released during intimate and sexual activity, and serotonin is released during orgasm. After the chemical hit though the sex addict will then fear or disbelieve intimacy can form with the person they've had sex with.

There are self-help groups to deal with sex addiction such as sex addicts annonymous or sexaholics annonymous. Therapists will use individual as well as group therapy, and focus on cognitive behavioural therapy, which focuses on changing a person's assumptions, beliefs and thus behaviour.

It's important for a sex addict to get help from an experienced and trained counsellor. But that's also rare because similar to a drug addict, a sex addict will rarely seek help unless they hit bottom and feel some sort of despair.

The last form of sexual dysfunction I'll talk about is called Delayed ejaculation. It's basically the inability or extreme difficulty in achieving orgasm, despite the presence of normal sexual desire, and sexual stimulation. Normally a guy can cum in just a few minutes, but someone with delayed ejaculation can take 30-45 min, or even longer.

Now, this might be sound like heavenly bliss for a girl, and a sure way for a girl to get mulitple orgasms. Perfect if you're fuck buddy has this problem, but it can lead to problems in a long term relationship. Firstly the girl will feel that for some reason she's unable to make her man cum and that could affect her self esteem. Secondly, if you want to have kids this could be a serious barrier.

The main reason for delayed ejaculation is adaptation to a certain masturbatory technique. Most guys with delayed ejaculation have no problems cumming during maturbation, but fail during sex. That's because they've gotten used to the pressure, angle and grip during masturbation which is hugely different from the feeling during intercourse.

There could also be physical causes such as certain neurological diseases, or trauma to the nerves in the pelvic region. Anti-depressants and the excessive use of alcohol could also cause this problem.

Assuming the cause is the first reason I've stated, to prevent the problem the guy simply needs to stop masturbating for a long period of time and get used to the feeling of just stimulation from normal sex. The guy also needs to have a healthy view towards sexuality because any anxiety or fears could cause this problem. Finally, a guy should just enjoy the experience rather than worrying if he's going to cum or not.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

July/ Chapter 7: Sexual Dysfunction part 1

So after watching a couple of seasons of sex and the city I realised the women in the show are pretty harsh on the guys. They joke, complain and look down on anything from a bad kisser, to guys with a small penis or bad in bed, etc.

Then I wondered, do girls in real life do this as well? Are we guys under the microscope, and get judged on how we perform? Well it depends, some girls don't talk about it at all, whilst other girls will rate a guy's performance, especially if they've broken up with the guy.

Apparently anything from "Good", "bad", "takes forever", "so fast", "shit, useless, pitiful". Yeah it seems some girls can be pretty harsh. (Think my friend was joking, but girls are more harsh if they're bitter about a break up)

Most girls say if they really liked a guy they would stick with the guy and try to help him fix the problem. But here's the thing, sexual dysfunction is usually not something a couple can fix on their own. There might be psychological or physical causes that require expert advice from a specialised sex therapist. So if you think you or your partner has a sexual dysfunction and it affects your sex life then go get a referral from a doctor.

Secondly, realize a lot of people have a sexual dysfunction. I was pretty surprised when I looked at the numbers and saw how high it was. But people generally don't want to get any treatment, because people generally feel ashamed. People don't have problems seeing doctors if they're physically ill, but most people have issues seeing doctors over mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety. It's the same with a sexual dysfunction, most people don't want to accept there might be something wrong with them.

Do not be afraid or ashamed to see an expert about your sex life, when the treatment might be simple, and the benefits could be immense. I'll describe a few common types of sexual dysfunction, their symptoms, causes and treatment.

Premature ejaculation (PE) is by far the most common sexual dysfunction. Sex therapists define the problem as loss of ejaculatory control which affects sexual or emotional well-being in one or both partners, and it affects a staggering 25-40% of men. Now most guys don't last long, the normal range is anywhere from 3 to 13 min, and 7 min is the average, whilst people with PE usually cum within the first 2 min. The main problem is when the guy cums consistently before the woman has experienced an orgasm.

The main cause for PE is psychological, could vary between temporary depression, anxiety, unrealistic expectations about performance, a history of sexual repression, or lack of confidence.

Reducing stimulation by wearing a condom could increase ejaculatory latency ( the time between first penetration and ejaculation), and alcohol can do this as well. But that's not really a solution, although devices such as an external latex rigid sheath have been developed (please be mature and don't laugh....). Anti-depressants also have the side effects of increasing ejaculatory latency.

But the best method is probabaly the start stop method. Which involves getting a guy stimulated till he is about to cum, stopping then restarting again. Repeat the method 3 times, and allow the guy to cum on the 4th time. This method basically allows the guy to gain more control, and to become comfortable with doing it with the girl. But it requires a lot of communication, understanding and work between the couple. So probably won't happen unless the couple are really in love with each other already.

A method a guy can perform by himself is to masturbate till he's about to cum, then to stop and hold the base of the penis till the feeling subsides. Keep repeating and slowly the time taken to reach orgasm should increase as the guy gains more control, and an additional effect of this method is a stronger orgasm.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

July/ Chapter 6: Expectations

The reason people get hurt in relationships is because they have certain expectations and those expectations are not met. In fact it’s possible to draw a 3 dimensional chart with different parameters on expectations and behaviors, and literally have a payout or result that comes from each combination of behavior and expectations.

A simplified example: Two people that are both looking for just sex will end up as fuck buddies. One person looking for sex + one person looking for commitment = a user + a broken heart. Two people looking for commitment will tie the knot.

Then you can break down even more. For example, as we’ve mentioned on this blog already, if you have a player and someone looking for commitment, if a player is honest then he won’t get any sex. If a player wants sex, the person looking for commitment must assume the player wants commitment as well. So either the player uses deception or he just keeps quite and lets the other person think whatever they want to think.

So really, to avoid wasting time or getting hurt, it’s not about finding someone you like and then building an unrealistic expectation around them. It’s simply about understanding what type of person you're dealing with and then having a realistic expectation based on what you know already deep down.

Ok, so here’s something girls need to know. If a guy is not ready to get married then no matter how great the girl is, he’s going to delay it till he’s ready. On rare occasions if the girl is really great and the guy is not ready, If the girl gives him the ultimatum of getting married or she will leave him, he might just settle. But that’s actually pretty rare. I know many couples which have broken up after they’ve been together for a long period of time. Generally the guy couldn’t take the next step, and this is despite the girl being a great girlfriend and the guy being comfortable with dating her indefinitely.

Guys generally don’t want to get married. Most guys basically view marriage as saying bye to freedom to do what they want, when they want. Not just in meeting other girls, but freedom to do whatever they like when they like. So if you want to marry a guy, you really need to have the right expectations or move on.

First sign of commitment is that the guy will accept the girl for who she is, and is willing to make sacrifices and compromise to do things for a girl that might go against what he wants. Guys naturally will do this when chasing a girl because they know they have to be on their best behavior and look most attractive to get the girl interested. After a period of a year or two, once the guy is comfortable the true self will probably show. If then the guy turns out to be a jerk then that’s probably not going to change, so move on.

Guys that are not ready will tend to find imperfections in every girl. I know my own ideal standard and the standard of many guys I know are totally unachievable. So many guys have actually turned away what would have been the best they could have gotten because of some problem that have put them off. Girls do this as well, but generally in the early stages of a relationship.

If a guy treats girls this way then he has to date enough girls and failed enough times with them to realize that everyone is imperfect. Everyone already knows that no one is perfect, but that’s like saying we all know people starve to death in Africa so we should be grateful for what we have. It’s one thing to understand the concept, it’s another to be truly grateful. If a guy is never grateful for you and finding excuses for not committing then move on.

If a guy really wants to be with you he’ll work out the problems in your relationship no matter what. Guys that don’t want to commit will take the easy choice which is to break up. If that happens then don’t go back no matter how much you want to, because almost any problem can be resolved and if the guy doesn’t think it can be then he’s not ready.

A guy who feels he’s not making enough money or too absorbed in his career won’t want to settle down either. There’s several reasons for this behavior. Firstly the guy might be practical and doesn’t want to get married when he can’t afford a wedding or home. The second is pride, and the guy doesn’t want to get married and live a low standard of living together. The third reason is simply that the guy’s competitive and his career will always be the most important. Whilst ambition is naturally the most attractive to women, and success comes from ambition, a guy that’s too focused on his career won’t settle, or if that's the case he might not be the best husband. It's why I've stated before bankers are probably the worst boyfriends.

The most obvious point would be older guys will be more likely to settle down. Of course this is not a fixed rule since some guys will settle down at 26, whilst others still haven’t played enough when they’re close to 40. But all things being equal, a guy that’s played a lot and been in a lot of flings that go no where might will one day finally get tired of meaningless fun, and settle for something that’s more emotionally fulfilling. Also, if all the guy’s friends start getting married he’s going to have fewer friends to party with, and also start to reflect on what he wants out of life. It’s probably time to stop partying once a guy’s the “dirty old man” in the club……

The important thing is, don’t have unrealistic expectations that a guy will marry you if he’s going to be indecisive and drag it out forever. It will just be a waste of time, because if a guy wants to get married, then he will, especially if he’s under an ultimatum. So, issue an ultimatum if you think he’s being indecisive. But you better stick to the ultimatum or you’re be alone one day and wasted a bunch of years on something that was never meant to be.

Monday, July 14, 2008

July/ Chapter 5: Back to Taipei

It’s been 5 weeks since the last Taipei trip and I was again stuck in the airport for 2 hours eating noodles with friends. Do not ever take the Friday 8:50pm Dragonair flight from HK to Taipei. It’s always late because it has to pick up passengers from connecting flights in China, so if the Chinese flights are delayed, it gets delayed.

I was going back to visit Ms female Player. The one that asked me “Are you sure you want to do this?” last time, and left me in a room by myself at 6:30am. I was drunk last time and I wanted to go see what the girl was like when I wasn’t a caveman. Or maybe I was just a sick puppy and wanted to be dumped and wake up alone in my room in the morning.

Our flight didn’t take off for another 30 minutes which meant we probably couldn't get out to any clubs till 2am, and I was thoroughly down. So I tried to make the most of the bad situation, hopefully some hot girl would sit next to me on the flight, so at least I could chat to her and feel better about the bad start. I waited in eager anticipation, and eyes glimmered with hope each time I saw a hot girl walk down the aisle towards me. But time and time again they sat down before my row or walked past.

Finally a girl sat down next to me, and all my friends cracked up. I could tell she was probably hot some time in the distant past, but that was probably before WW2, the oldest woman on the entire flight had just sat down next to me, and the kid with her was probably her great grandson.

We did the usual rush from the airport and I headed to the club first to meet Ms Player. I didn't want her to wait any longer in case she fell asleep, because other than to have a fun holiday with friends, the main reason for having the trip was to visit Ms Player.

I finally showed up at the front entrance of Luxy and she was waiting for me. Looking very attractive, and making the late night trip to Taipei worthwhile all of a sudden. My friends finally showed up and we all headed up to the club together, and found my two friends that were already in Taipei. One of the guys was living in Taipei now, and the main reason was because of the partying and the girls. I wouldn't blame him either, I mean every guy I've met that's been to Taipei has had good things to say about the place.

We got to their table, and as expected, they had about ten girls with them. They had been asking girls to come over to their table all night, and also some PR girls from the club were there trying to get them to drink more. We all sat down and the friends that were with me started standing around restlessly. The couple that came didn't know quite what to do, whilst the single guys were trying to figure out how exactly to act with the girls.

One of the hottest girls I had even seen in a club then sat next to me and tried to get me to drink with her. She was a PR girl called Candy, and Candy made guys buy far more alcohol than guys would normally spend in a club. But Candy had picked the wrong guy on the wrong night to drink with her. Ms Player jokingly told me to hang out with Candy, but I knew all women get jealous, this was such an obvious trap and I wouldn't fall for it.

My single guy friends went on the hunt and soon it was just me and Ms Player sitting at the table. I felt awkward at first because I could hardly remember a thing from the last time we met. Pretty much all I remember was being really drunk, and then the next thing I knew I had a cute girl in my hotel room. This time I was so late I was completely sober, so I hadn't transformed into a caveman and was totally unsure about what to say or what to do.

So after 45 min of trying I just said what was on my mind............"Hey this is boring, wanna just go back to my hotel and have sex?". I knew as soon as I said that I had made a big mistake, because no girl would wanna have sex with a boring guy after a couple of drinks. So I was surprised when she said "sure".

Four hours, eight positions and two showers later, I realised why I remembered the sex last time was so good even though I was totally wasted. Finally I had found a cavewoman and she wanted exactly what I wanted, physical bliss without any sort of emotional attachment or worse, guilt involved.

The next night a female friend of mine who knew about my last Taipei trip wanted to meet Ms Player and when she saw her was surprised Ms Player wasn't better looking. Now Ms Player is good looking but my friend thought I would pick to have an one night stand with a stunning type of girl. But here's the thing that a lot of people don't realise. The best sex isn't necessarily with the best looking people. Some people are just better at it than others, and it's simply down to practice or being intuitive about what makes other people feel good.
So that's why I've stressed in this blog that learning how to be better in bed is important, it can really add a new dimension ot a relationship. Or simply drive people crazy.

Over the weekend I found out more about Ms Player during daytime. She was a really lovely girl, and showed me and my friends around Taipei for two days. She was always happy and smiling, and had this confident but chilled out demeanor that I rarely see in girls or guys.

I found out after two days that I liked Ms Player. She wasn't just a girl that had played me, she just knew where she stood and knew how to control her emotions. She walked out on me last time because she knew I wasn't ready to settle down myself. But she was still willing to have sex just because it felt good. Then I realised what it was like for sleep with someone and to start getting emotional about it, but not getting the commitment in return.

Sadly, both of us don't believe in long distance relationships, so I went back to Hong Kong with my friends with some great memories, but slightly sad and lonely inside.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

July/ Chapter 4: Don't do it!

Earlier I had just finished drinks with my ex and her cousin. I had been asked to come out and give relationship advice because "Cous" had just split with her boyfriend.

I haven't seen "cous" in years, but I remember she was really hot. When I went to the bar I looked around and my first thought was these girls were the prettiest girls in the place, which said a lot since there were a few pretty girls in there.

"Cous" used to be a part time model, tall, and the type that would turn heads when she came into a place. So no surprise that a few months ago when she joined her friend for a drink one of the guys in the group started chatting her up. Three months later they were dating, but it only lasted two months.

When I heard the guy's background I almost cracked up because his story growing up was very similar to mine. But without giving too much away let's just say he moved overseas when he was a kid, a banker, making good money for his age, and he's turning 30 this year. He obviously meets a lot of girls, had probably slept around a bit and definitely not in the mood to commit.

I immediately knew the type, banker with money, can hook up with girls, and no need to commit to any of them since he can move from one girl to the next. Seriously, if I had a daughter I would warn her against ever going for a banker, or any guy with a lot of disposable income.

It's a double edged sword, you got these guys that are making good money, but they have to be focused on their career and their own future to get there, and don't need to share their life with someone else. They come off as fun and charismatic, but they're that way because they don't want to settle for just one girl, and want to settle down as late as possible.

On top of meeting the wrong type of guy, "Cous" had made the classic mistake of asking the wrong questions. Questions such as, "Are you going to stay in Hong Kong?" and "Will you consider marrying?". See, she's turning 30 next year and a girl at that age doesn't want to waste her time anymore. But the problem with getting to the point is, if a guy can play around for another 5 years, asking him if he will settle down is one of the scariest questions such a guy could face.

Prior to this last relationship she was in a 9 year relationship which got messy and there wasn't any love anymore. The previous boyfriend was a local guy, and I sensed he loved her more than she loved him. She's in love with this new guy a lot more after just two months together. It's the classic tale of a girl falling hard for the "bad guy". The guy that won't settle down.

Even the guy's friends warned her to leave him, and he said bye to her, citing that she was a great girl but not for him. I told "cous", hey if I was a betting man then I would give this relationship about a 10-20% chance of going all the way. But even as we were having drinks she got a call from the guy, and she started asking what should she do to get him back.

My ex told me when she was growing up she thought it would always be her cousin that would get married first. Here was a beautiful girl who wasn't the playing around type and looking to settle down, and she was in danger of falling into the bracket of being alone. Yet even though every piece of advice I gave was to leave the guy, what she really wanted to hear was what was the best way to get him back.

It's a pity that love feels so good but also blinds us. I just hope she finds a good man that will commit, because it seems strange that she turned the heads of every guy in that bar, yet I was giving her relationship advice on how to avoid the one she was already with.

Monday, July 7, 2008

July/ Chapter 3: The pursuit of happiness

One could argue, the reason we want relationships, why we have friends and seek a partner in life, is to create happiness. It’s the same reason why we work to make money, so we can afford to live a happier lifestyle. In fact everything we do in life is to attain more happiness.

Happiness can have profound properties on us. Happiness leads to longer life, better health, resilience to illnesses, and better performance at work and study. Evidence from a study suggest the difference in life span between the happiest people and depressed people was as high as nine years.

So what makes us happier?

Well first of all how happy someone is, is heavily affected by genetics. That’s because different people react differently to happy events, stressful events, and the overall contentment level can vary between individuals that have the same lifestyle.

Happiness can come from things that give us short busts of pleasure. Could be having a nice meal, or buying a new car, or even having sex with someone.

However, happiness that comes from pleasure wears off quickly. In fact, doing pleasurable activities repeatedly can often create an addiction to that lifestyle, and if the person gets too much of the same stimuli they will feel bored or sad without it. We could be talking about anything from skydiving on weekends, partying all the time, to taking drugs.
This is why I said earlier in this blog, people who party too much will find it harder to settle down even if they meet someone nice. The person won't seem important enough to make the sacrifice of a lifestyle change.

The second main source of happiness comes from family and friends. The more friends we have and the deeper the relationships with the people around us, the better we will feel. In addition to the family we were born into, getting married and creating a family of our own can create happiness.

If someone is not doing well financially or suffering from ill health then they will not be as happy. Financial and physical well being are important to our happiness, which is why generally people in developed countries are happier than in developing countries. But we only need a minimum level of wealth to feel good, after that extra wealth do not really create more happiness.

The Fourth source is having long term goals that are also enjoyable. This could be linked to work, a business or pursuit outside of work.

Last but not least, having a meaning in life is very important. There is evidence people that are religious are happier because they have a belief that is bigger than themselves. A very good family man I know once said the same about having family and children, it gave him his purpose in life.

So are we really happy, us city dwellers, especially in a city as big and stressful as HK?

In the developed world the standard of living has gone up a lot in the last 50 years, but happiness has actually gone down slightly in polls of respondents. That’s mainly because although we can afford more, we’re losing net happiness by living more stressful lives. Also, richer people will compare themselves to those around them, so it’s possible to have more money and still feel poorer. Your typical banker who's not happy with his bonus is the best example.

So although money can buy more happiness, its effect after the basic necessities of life are covered are negligible. What people need to be happy long term is probably a healthy balance of pleasurable stimuli, long term goals, relationships with other human beings, and some form of meaning in life.

Now all these points might seem very obvious. But then after reading this post your average HK person will go back to living their lives full of short term pleasurable stimuli. Almost ignorant to the fact that the very environment we live in, which is full of short term fixes makes it much harder for us to form a longer lasting relationship with anyone.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

July/ Chapter 2: Getting guys interested

I realised recently a woman's greatest fear is not being alone for life, not getting a husband, nor is it not ever having kids.

Her greatest fear is being labelled a slut. Now different people have different standards for what is considered "too easy". What some girls consider is ok, is viewed by other girls as slutty. But very few girls will openly go out and live a life of no shame, sleeping around with every guy that she found attractive. Something a lot of guys have no problem in doing.

There's a few reasons for this. There's the genetic driver for finding the best man as mentioned before. Then there's a lot of social conditioning driving a girl to behave in a socially acceptable way. This causes a girl to act prudishly to protect her pride and self dignity, whether it's internally, or to do with how others perceive them.

This behaviour is stronger in traditional cultures, but here's the strange thing. In Asia, girls tend to be either extremely prudish, and have much higher standards than what you see in Western cultures, or you get the other extreme, for example there's a lot girls who willingly becoming pros in China.

Acting prudishly might be a good thing in many cases but there's a couple of misconceptions that girls have.

A lot of girls feel it's bad to flirt or hit on guys. Even if a girl likes a guy she won't go after the guy but will wait for the guy to chase her. Girls need to realise it can be hard for a guy to hit on a girl as well, especially if the guy's afraid he will crash and burn, and get rejected. Maybe the guy just hasn't made up his mind and if a girl acts stand offish, he will decide to look elsewhere. Flirting with a guy can really add to a girl's chances by making the guy braver or even arousing interest in the guy when he was originally in neutral mode.

But for some reason lots of girls will wait, and let the guys lead. Or even worse, they will play hard to get and act stand offish, thinking it gives the image they are not easy, when in fact it's pushing guys away. The best thing to do is to be friendly to all guys, and taking the time to find out what the guy is like before deciding he's not the one.

I think most girls know how to flirt with guys, because when guys hit on girls and girls are interested it comes naturally. The obvious is to maintain a lot of eye contact, smile a lot, always remain cheerful and interesting. One thing a lot of girls don't realise though is if they want a guy they need to move away from their friends. Sure, having friends around for protection is good, but it can scare the guy who's worried if he gets rejected others will see.

The second thing many girls don't realise is being shy in bed is a bad thing. Lots of girls think if they seem too experienced then it might scare the guy. But there's a subtle difference between acting way too experienced and lying there like a "dead fish" which is an even bigger turn off. There's a few things a girl can do to get a guy more interested with her in bed.

Guys generally get more turned on if they see the girl is more turned on. So if you're enjoying it then show it, you probably only have a problem if you're not enjoying it (go find someone else). A girl's facial expressions can vary from enjoyment to pain, when she's really enjoying herself. But whatever the expression don't be afraid to show this.

With regard to noises, do not pretend and make fake sounds, do not talk dirty unless you know the guy likes dirty talk. Most guys in Asia do not like dirty talk. Do scream and moan naturally, no matter how loud, unless it's going to get you in trouble with the neighbours. When I was in university I used to date this girl that screamed really loud, and it was a real turn on. But I had to give her a pillow to cover her head when my house mates came home.

Telling a guy what feels good and what doesn't is also important. Since there are differences between people, what works on one person might be uncomfortable or even painful to someone else. A guy doesn't know that you're really liking it or hating it unless you tell him. But telling him is a real turn on, especially when you're cumming, there's no harm in letting him know.

Holding a guy's back and butt when in missionary position or even wrapping your legs around him is a turn on. Looking back at a guy when in doggy style is a turn on.

The first time you sleep with a guy do not give a guy a blow job if he doesn't ask for it, but if he asks for it then don't turn the guy down. A blow job and also going down on a girl is the most routine thing in foreplay, but a lot of girls either have an issue going down on a guy or a guy going down on them. There's a lot of trust involved but just relax and you're probably find it an extremely enjoyable experience. Also, remember there are other sensitive points on a guy's body, in fact same as a girl's, such as ears and the nipples.

Remember to just have fun and enjoy when having sex with a guy. Acting shy in bed is the worst thing to do.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

July/ Chapter 1: June in review

I went and bought myself all seven seasons of sex and the city mainly for research purposes for this blog. Prior to last night I had never watched an entire single episode of the series. I went straight to the movie but had no idea on the history of the characters.

So I went and watched the first episode of season one yesterday and found some points from that episode that matched almost exactly what we've covered in this blog in June. Theses points are from the episode, not me!

It's harder to find the right person in a big city. We don't live in an age of innocence and there's not much real romance out there. (Same here in HK, people have all this money but don't know how to really live a balanced life. Values in big modern day cities are a bit messed up)

There are lots of smart, beautiful career women in NY that are alone. Why are there so many great single women but all the great single guys are taken? (Same in HK, the small gender imbalance makes it a lot harder for girls)

Men are threatened by successful women, so if you want a man and you're successful you need to play dumb. (Definitely true for Asian men, didn't realise it was true even in NYC. For a smart girl the issue isn't about intelligence but swallowing her pride. Not saying you have to do it, that's just the way it is.....)

Women don't like nice guys or hopeless romantics. (What more can I say? Women rarely fall for the nice guys. Nice guys come off as weak and desperate)

Many men feel that marriage is about having kids, and so they delay as long as possible, and find younger women so they can still have kids or settle down later. (Guys in HK are the same. So as I suggested best to find a guy that's already over 30)

Women like to have fun and have their ways with men when younger, but then run out of time. All of a sudden a girl that was getting all the guys can't seem to attract them anymore. (Better stop playing and get serious about finding a guy to marry when you hit 25, because you got a few more years left before your choices narrow down more)

Men feel women have unrealistic expectations and want too much from a man (good career, well off, caring, won't cheat, etc). Whilst if they really want to get married they should just find a short fat guy. (Women in HK are too materialistic, learn to put less importance on the guy's earning power. Hey if you're a successful woman, maybe it's time to reverse the roles and find yourself a man that's not a banker or lawyer. You make the money, and the guy is there to support and love you)

Women feel that even the short fat men are assholes. (Short fat men might be worse. They couldn't get any in highschool, so when they make lots of money later in life they feel they can pay for girls to be with them)

If girls wanted to empower themselves they could have sex like a guy, without emotional attachments and walk away from the guy after. (Read the post about dating younger guys)
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