Saturday, October 17, 2009

How to never date a jerk ever again

Ok so in the last post I tried to explain some of the reasons that lead to women falling for jerks. Here now are some of the solutions and things a woman needs to realize about herself if she wants to avoid dating jerks again.

1) Idealization. Idealization is the process in which a person once attracted starts looking through rose tinted glasses WAY TOO EARLY. I mean it's normal for people to become emotionally attached and to overall look problems in a partner later on. But when a woman gives a guy too much credit early on then she will miss glaring warning signals about the guy.

This usually happens because the woman is attracted to the guy, and doesn't want to acknowledge any information that might lead to disappointment. So basically by filtering out the warning signs that the guy might be a jerk, she creates the perception that the guy is Prince Charming in her own mind.

Stop watching chick flicks. Flawed men don't change like they do in the movies. They might fall in love and change for a short period of time, but because their personalities are naturally selfish they will also revert back to their selfish ways later. So observe carefully for warning signs, and don't over idealize.

A list of warning signs are in my book, so I don't want to repeat here.

2) Accelerated courtship. Again chick flicks and the love at first sight belief causes this problem and gets a lot of women in trouble.

The courtship process if anything should be slowed down, and used by a person (men or women) to critically assess if the other person is a going to be a good partner or not. Most people take things way too quickly these days. Many people these days have sex after 2 weeks and 3 dates, which means they often get emotionally attached before they've even gotten to know someone else properly.

By the time they've gotten to know the other person properly, ie find out the other person is a jerk, they're already emotionally attached because of this accelerated courtship and then they find it very hard to pull away, and chose to overlook a lot of problems in the relationship.

Basically rushing it at the start could mean you end up wasting years on a guy you otherwise wouldn't even have gone out with because if you hadn't rushed it you would have seen problems in the guy.

3) Confusing chemistry with knowing someone. I've heard many women go on about chemistry now, and I can tell you contrary to popular belief that chemistry is a terrible predictor of whether a man if going to be a good partner going forward. If chemistry was accurate then women would not feel chemistry for jerks, but many women have indeed felt chemistry for a guy that then turned out to be a nightmare boyfriend.

The reason this happens is because a lot of women are placing trust and chemistry on the wrong type of information from a guy, the most common mistakes are as follows:

a) The guy shares a lot with a woman about his personal feelings, so she feels like he's really opened up. Well guess what any human being including a jerk can open up about feelings. That doesn't mean the person isn't selfish.

To get past this, you still have to observe how the person really is, whether they are selfish, how they treated their ex girlfriends, how good is their relationship with their parents, etc. A naturally selfish person will talk badly about ex girlfriends, and usually talk badly about their parents.

b) A lot of couples spend a lot of time together doing stuff that are fun. They have so much fun together the woman places chemistry on their shared experience together. But again she doesn't actually know anything about the guy.

4) Repetition compulsion. This is probably the weirdest and most interesting phenonmenon, and I touched upon it slightly in the last post. If a woman had a bad father she is at risk of picking a man like her father when she grows up. Which is why women with abusive fathers often pick men that turn out to be abusive themselves, or if their fathers treated their mothers badly, cheated etc, divorced and gone, they are likely to be drawn to jerks.

The same happens if a woman gets hurt badly by a jerk and doesn't get over the pain of it. Then she will repeatedly be drawn to jerks and find even confident nice guys boring, or feel a lack of attraction.

The reason why this happens is this. The woman is naturally drawn to men like her father or like the ex that hurt her because she never truly got closure. Subconsciously without even realizing it, and even if she consciously tells herself she doesn't want to date jerks ever again, or men like her father, she's being drawn to these men in order to find closure. She wants to have a relationship with one of these men and actually make things work, which is a problem because a man with an unhealthy attitude to relationships can't be changed. So the girl gets hurt again and again, and her wounds get deeper, and she ends up seeking these men even more to get closure.

Remember all this is in the subconscious, the girl isn't even aware she's doing this and consciously she might even hate jerks. To the girl it just seems she has bad luck, or she'll start thinking all men are scum. But bring a nice guy alone and the girl will actually lose interest because she's used to chasing jerks and trying to change the jerk to get this closure.

To get over this problem the girl has to:

a) be aware of this weird subconscious act.

b) deal with the thing that was originally driving this behavior which is the pain caused by her father or the first boyfriend that hurt her badly, and let go of this pain. She has to truly grieve and acknowledge that her father or her ex did her wrong, and truly let out the pain and anger, and to have someone else listen to this pain and truly understand her.

That's basically what therapy does, and why people open up to tell a therapist their childhood problems. Until they're truly understood they will repeatedly perform the same irrational behaviors that hurt themselves.

When it comes to relationships, a woman needs to understand repetition compulsion and let go of the past if she's to stop being attracted to jerks.

Hope that helps you ladies out there.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Why you find normal guys boring and fall for jerks

For the longest time I couldn't get it, and finally by researching for my book I find the reason why.

Some of you have told me your sob stories, how your ex was a jerk and logically you knew it, but for some reason you keep gravitating to the same type of guy.

To make matters worse some of you find normal guys boring, and keep dating jerks over and over again.

The reason is this:

Did your parents divorce when you were very young?

Did your father not give you much attention when you were a child?

Do you often find yourself feeling lonely?

Do you feel the need to get married badly?

By the way, my parents divorced when I was 3 and I haven't seen my real dad since so I'm not talking out of my ass and judging anyone here.

When it comes to women, if a woman was not given the right amount of attention as a kid from her father then she risks developing wrong perceptions towards relationships later in life. The reason is because a child that gets the right amount of attention from her parents do not seek that attention later on in life.

If a girl doesn't get the right type of attention from her father as a child then she will constantly be drawn to drama and seek out emotional validation in adult relationships.

The problem is she feels she has to seek that approval, if the approval is given to her naturally which a nice guy does then she will feel bored. It's the same as a child not respecting his/her parents if doted on all the time, whilst seeking them out if they don't get the required attention.

A jerk attracts such women because the jerk is constantly creating drama, treating the girl like crap, not showing he cares, or threatens to walk out of the relationship. So the girl will chase the guy to seek emotional validtion and in the process become dependent on the guy even though he's clearly treating her badly.

In other words the attachment and commitment a woman gives a man during marriage and a stable relationship works the other way around in an unhealthy relationship. It makes her attached to a jerk that's clearly treating her badly, and then she can't break away emotionally even if her head tells her otherwise.

Broken families is only one thing that leads to insecurities. Wanting to get married badly, always feeling lonely, etc, can all lead to bad relationship choices.

How to solve this issue? You play it safe with every guy you meet, and you do it by getting the order right:

Get to know him

Find reasons to trust him

Rely on him

Commit to him

Have sex

Many women these days have sex with a guy first before getting to know a guy, and then because she becomes hormonally and emotionally attached to the guy, she starts to trust the guy and rely on the guy when he doesn't even deserve it.

When you get to know someone first in the same way as a friend then you can see what their real personality is like. Your perception is not based on the sweet talk or the charm, which are elevated fake personalities to get a woman hooked in the first place.

When you accurately assess a guy, spot and DON'T OVERLOOK problematic behaviors, you then trust him, not the other way around because you are attracted to the guy and want to be with him.

When trust is built you can then safely rely on the guy. If you get the order wrong and you commit to him first, rely on the guy first, then he could be treating you like crap and you're just one of a dozen girls he's playing and you'll still pine after him.

Here's the really hard part. Have sex last. Why is it hard? Well you risk losing the guy and for that guy to walk out on you. Many women these days don't want to take that risk, or they feel attracted and went for it. But the thing is if a guy isn't even willing to stay with a girl for at least a month or two before she's observed him closely and walks off for the lack of sex, then you've got nothing to lose, since it was sex he was after in the first place.

Jerk thrive in the modern dating environment because many women no longer do this and have sex too early with a guy. What? You don't believe that a guy will hang around for an extended period of time before having sex? Well I'm pretty sure all the healthy relationships I've seen my friends in didn't start off with early sex.

It is a modern myth that guys will not chase a girl for a month or two without the reward of sex, and walks out because of the lack of sex. It's only the jerks that can't wait that long, and hence if you've always dated jerks then the best way to filter them out is have a guy chase you for a month without having sex with the guy. Take that month or two to really get to know the guy well.

Tough huh? Well, that's one of the reasons you might have a jerk for a boyfriend. The even tougher part is even if you are attracted in the first month or two, but you spot problematic behaviors, you have to have the guts to walk away from a guy you are otherwise attracted to.

Also, don't assume if a guy's nice or interesting, or fun, or has many friends he's going to be a good partner. Public persona and what a person's like privately in a relationship are two totally different things. After all most players I know have a lot of friends and are fun to be with.

You have to be willing to ditch a person you feel attraction and chemistry towards if you want to find a nice guy. Most jerks are attractive at the start then change to their real personality later. To spot the real deal you have to have time on your side.

When you have time on your side you have more strength to push for what you want. You either push for change or walk out on the guy. Leave that till later and you're emotionally attached and'll be playing this song....
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