Friday, November 21, 2008

Nov/ Chapter 4: Dealing with problematic men

After reading the posts about abusive guys, most people asked me two questions. Firstly, why would any girl want to stick with a guy that's treating them badly?

Well the question to that is actually quite complex. The girl is in love with the guy, he's chipped away at her self confidence, he's made the situation very confusing because he's normal or even sweet a lot of the time.

The second question was how can a girl prevent herself from getting into this situation? In fact, how can a girl prevent herself from falling in love and ending up in an unhealthy relationship with any type of problematic guy?

There's three types of people that are relatively immune to deception, and manipulation, and even if they fall prey they won't put up with any crap, and will quickly move on.

Type 1, The Cynic: These are people that have been hurt in the past. Their response to being hurt is to avoid being hurt again by turning negative about the situation and see the bad side in people. Cynics are jaded people that rarely get hurt because they shield themselves from any risk of getting hurt again. But there are major problems to being a cynic.

The main problem is that by seeing the bad side in people, you remove a lot of the fun and lower the chance of actually finding happiness. If your natural response is to label all guys as jerks before exploring if a guy is genuinely interested in a healthy relationship then you'll remove any chance of finding a nice guy. In fact, the easiest way to avoid all jerks, is to simply avoid all men. You'll never get hurt, but you'll also never find happiness.

Another problem with being a cynic is that you will give off negative energy and people will sense it. Being negative is a turn off, and will drive away guys that may otherwise find you attractive.

Type 2, Having high self esteem: A person with high self esteem is less susceptible to being deceived and manipulated because they care about themselves. But the important thing is that if they do find themselves with a guy that's just there for casual sex, or not commited to a proper relationship, or abusive, they'll dump the guy and move on.

People with high self esteem are not needy, they don't need someone else to complete them, and if that person isn't going to treat them properly they will move on. They will rather be single and happy then to be with someone but miserable.

The key is to love yourself, and to realize that being in a relationship is not the goal, being happy is. Don't start getting into the position where you want to find someone so badly you are willing to put up with serious crap.

Type 3, The realist: The main difference between the realist and a cynic is that the realist learns to accept humanity for what it really is. The situation won't depress them, because rather than having high hopes and morals and then wondering why other people don't have the same standards, the realist understands that there are good and bad people and just accepts this.

A realist will understand men for what they really are, and able to read between the good and the bad. They then accept the reality and don't try to make excuses for those guys that happen to be bad, simply because they want to be with that guy.

I was at a circus the other day and the animal trainer was in a cage with a dozen lions and tigers, and I was thinking, if one of those beasts attacked and killed the trainer, you can't really blame a beast. It's the beast's nature to attack and kill for food.

If you meet and fall for a player, realize there's nothing wrong with men in general. It's just the player's nature to act the way he does, but get real, and move on. Same with all other types of problematic guys, whether they're abusive or stringing you along. Treat them the same way you would a dangerous animal, just accept that they're not going to be healthy for you and stay away from them.

The key is to remember that frees you up to then go and find someone that will be good to you.


Anonymous said...

hey, is your book out?

your lil fan

Carlton Bradshaw said...

hmmm, I haven't written anything for a month. Too busy and stressed at work to be creative after work.

Also, not sure about book sales in this time. I am not sure it will be complete till about 6 months from now.

I'll try to get a pubsliher that will sell online though. I'm looking at one based in Singapore right now.

Don't worry, I'll write a book and make sure it's done in the right way.

Anonymous said...

thanks for the update! i'm it must be pretty chaotic and stressful at work for every1 these days. will look fwd to ur book release :)

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