Monday, December 15, 2008

Dec/ Chapter 3: Love is like a drug

So people often ask why would anyone want to stick to someone that's treating them badly. I've written about it on this blog, some of you have been in that situation, and a lot of us have given advice to friends that can't seem to tear themselves away from a truly unhealthy and hurtful relationship.

The answer is this.

When we are attracted to someone, whether it's infatuation or love. Our brain releases dopamine, (a neurotransmitter) for those that aren't familiar with the scientific term, it is basically like a drug that acts on the body. This drug is extremely powerful and acts on the body and mind with similar effects to cocaine and speed.

It's why some people have suggested that falling in love is like being on drugs, because we literally are on drugs when in love. It leaves us wanting more of it, and hence we want to be with the person we're deeply attracted to. If the person rejects us, or we have to break up with that person it leaves really negative feelings of withdrawal we normally call heartache or heartbreak.

The drug is the most potent when you first start to like someone, and is so strong you can almost feel the physical effects, hence the heart pounding and butterfly in the stomach feeling.

It exlains why when someone treats us well but we're not attracted to them, we're indifferent. We simply don't have any of the drugs in our head to get us hooked. Adds new meaning to the term, "no chemistry". Meanwhile, if we're attracted to someone and they treat us like crap we're addicted to them.

The problem for us is that on the surface we all seem like logical beings that are in control, but our bodies evolved over millions of years, and our animal instincts have an aim different to our own conscious aims.

Whilst we consciously seek out happiness, and try to avoid anyone that might hurt our feelings. Our body has the aim of driving us to go forth and multiply, to find a partner and mate. Consciously we might not even want to have kids but out body plays tricks with our minds to drag us in that direction. Therefore it pumps out drugs that keeps us hooked to someone which before we had contraceptives would keep the couple together long enough to procreate.

So what does all this tell us?

1) Since the mechanism is based on attraction and not on whether someone treats us well or not. We're in big trouble if we become deeply attracted to someone that's a jerk or a bitch. When that happens they can treat us like crap for extended periods of time and we might struggle to leave them.

That's why it's very important who you pick to become a partner. Pick a good person or else they will turn against you and treat you badly one day.

2) The effects of the drug generally last a few months, and in some cases up to several years. Which partially explains why some couples are fall out of love after a period of time. Once the drug no longer has any effect then unless the couple has become very attached, they'll drift apart.

3) Some guys are constantly looking for a fresh new hit, and hence why players are unable to settle down and connect with one woman. It also explains why it's pointless to ever change a man. If a guy's acting a certain way, ie unable to commit then to get him to commit is no different from trying to change a drug addict.

4) If you get hooked on a guy or girl that's not treating you well, then the way to leave the person is similar to other methods used in getting off other forms of addiction.

a) Realize you have a problem. That the person is harmful to you and will hurt you more and more.

b) You need to stop thinking about that person, just like you need to stop thinking about an addition.

c) Find distractions

d) Link the person to negative things rather than positive things that reinforce a need for them. Ie, Stop thinking about all the happy memories together and remember that they're treating you badly.

One more thing that's explains a lot of things we experience. The more two people have sex together, the more likely they are to bond emotionally. The thing is, this mechanism works much stronger in a woman's head. Men are generally more capable of treating sex as a purely physical act that doesn't involve any emotions.

Whilst most women are also able to have sex without falling in love, the more sex you have with the same person the higher the chance you will get totally addicted to them.

For men it can be the opposite. They get the sex that they want, they don't feel connected and thus move on.


Yumla said...

So do you think eventually, when we've reached a state where everyone can choose their partners, that all the a-holes and biatches will die out?

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Hmm, every generation will have a-holes and biatches, simply because our genes hardly change each generation.

The reason why dating and relationships is such a mess is because we inherited mechanisms from the stone age.

For us as humans to grow out of all that, we would have to evolve to a state where we picked people for being nice to us, rather than for being "attractive", whether looks wise or personality wise.

Anonymous said...

what if someone is truely nice and sweet to you, just that he can't commit himself, he is still too young and doesn't know what he really wants in life yet.

Can we not enjoy the good moments and not worry about what happens next? Does love or sex have to be excusive if both of us are not thinking about settling down and having children?

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Well if a guy's too young to get married, then he's too young. But too young to only have sex with you?

As a guy I can tell you I can come up with a hundred excuses not to commit to a woman.

1) I'm too young
2) I don't know what I want in life
3) You're too good for me (but I will still have sex with you)
4) If I have sex with other girls it'll be healthier for our relationship.
list goes on.....

Ok, you can have fun as long as that's all you're expecting. If a guy wants to have sex with other girls as well, then you're just one of the girls. If you change your mind later and expect him to only commit to you, you don't have much negotiating power.

Remember, guys whether young or old want one thing. Sex without commitment. It's pretty easy to be nice and sweet, when there's a big incentive.

Have you ever met a girl that had sex with a guy that was from the very beginning a loser/psycho/ or weirdo?

Forget what excuses a guy feeds you, because SOME guys lie ALL the time to get sex. I'm a guy, I know.

It's always nice and sweet at the beginning because we know we have to act that way to even get sex at the beginning.

If I walk up to a girl in a club and told her, "hey babe, I think you're really hot, I want to have sex with you, BUT I am young and don't know what I want in life, and therefore I'm going to have sex with a dozen other girls at the same time"

What you think she will say? Fuck off, maybe?

That line has exactly the same meaning whether I say it at the club, or after I'm dating a girl.

It's always nice, get the girl to like the guy, have sex. Once the girl likes the guy she'll start coming up with excuses for him, she's hooked, THEN the excuses follow why not to commit.

I'm writing a chapter right now in my book about seduction. It's like a friggin set routine.

So forget what excuses a guy feeds you. What do YOU want? If you want fun and short term companionship then no worries. If you want a proper relationship, then the guy's got a BS excuse.

I'll share more details about how seduction works in my book.

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