Monday, June 9, 2008

June/ Chapter 13: How to spot a player

"Don't hate the player, hate the game."

I read that on someone's facebook profile before. Seemed like a bit of a push of responsibility to me, but I don't look down on players. I've got several friends that are players, and they're really fun guys to hang out with. I don't look down on them because they're doing what most guys secretly want, which is to sleep with lots of girls.

Where I think a player is wrong though is when a player uses deception and lies. Since most girls don't want to just have a purely sexual relationship a player needs to get most girls to believe he's interested in them enough to want a proper relationship. That's not cool because although it might just be a game and sex to a player, for the girl it's a broken heart, a sense of stupidity for being duped and quite a bit of mental anguish. We all draw lines in the sand when it comes to morality. For me lying and deceiving a girl that likes a guy is where I don't think guys should ever go.
(you don't know how much this moral choice has killed my success rate, if any girls out there just wants to have sex, please contact me, thanks)

So to really find out whether a guy is genuinely interested or just looking to have sex but pretending, you just need to know how to spot a liar.

First step is be aware of your personal feelings about the subject. Do you really want to know? Some people willingly blind themselves and accept a lie as fact solely because the truth might be too painful to handle. Women are very intuitive, and can read a lot into whether a guy is a potential mate of not. But at the same time they can be amazingly blind to a guy that is not trustworthy, because their own desires for the guy clouds their judgement.

Secondly you need to know how the person talks and acts normally. A person's normal conversational habits and body language is called their baseline behaviour. So their normal pattern of speech, eye, hand and body movements during a normal conversation with no pressure or lying. Variations from this indicate lying. One of my player friends once brought out a girl he was "working on" at the time. I couldn't believe his voice when he talked to her because it was so gentle and sweet. I almost wanted to puke up, punch him, and slap the chick for believing any hetrosexual male with no agendas talked with such a sweet voice.

Body movements and eye contact patterns tend to change when someone is lying. Ask the guy if he really likes you and look him in the eye. A liar will either avoid eye contact at the moment of the lie, or will maintain eye contact more fiercely than usual to "sell" the lie. Lying causes stress so there are stress gestures such as rapid blinking, swallowing, and figeting in some people.

Some people need to think when they lie. There will be a noticeable pause in speaking as they think, and they might look up to the right, which stimulates the part of the brain linked to imagination (making things up).

The most important step to spotting a liar is being able to access the situation clearly and without emotions. Not an easy thing to do! What ever you do, don't start projecting your desires on the other person. So assume they are not lying just because you are in love with them, or assume they definitely are lying because you are upset.

Finally there are a couple of pretty obvious things. Don't sleep with the guy too soon. Some players will give up because they have no patience to go through a lengthy courtship process. Also, a player will very rarely bring the girl he's working on out to see his friends and other people. That's because it's embarrassing to bring a new girl out every week, so if a guy truly likes you, he'll be quite happy for you to meet all his friends.


missmaomao said...

I think the very last statement is very true. If a person really likes you, he should be quite happy to introduce u to his friends. But hmm on the other hand, some people like ME, for some reason, i don't always introduce the guy whom i like to my friends, not until we're very solid and stable. So in that case, what if the guy is thinking of the same way, how can you clarify?

Another question (woo i think i am a true fans of ur blog lol, making a lotta comments/questions =p)

Ask the guy if he likes u or not?!?! of when u should question should be asked?
you talked about body guestures, eye contacts etc. What about kisses? Is there any ways you can tell through kisses?

missmaomao again said...

ahh one more question =p

so based on your theories/experiences... Guys desire to have sex with lots of diff. women out there. So what about the married ones? Still the same or would it make a difference?

It's just like even a guy is so in love with their girlfriend, doesn't meant they don't fu*k around too. Am i right?

missmaomao again and again said...

oh goshhh .. another question jus popped up in my mind ... =p i hope u don't mind me asking too much but HEY this is what your blog is for

ok ... so often when guys pick up a girl in a club. What's undergoing in their mind? Obviously there are qualities within a girl that made u guys interested to approach her. What i wanna ask is ... by getting know of that girl, what is the REAL intention?

1) Really, just wanna get to know the girl more cuz you find her interesting


2) SEX!! just wanna bring her home and sleep with her?

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Dear MsMaoMao, I'll go through all your questions one by one. Don't just use one indicator as definite proof the guy is a player. A guy might actually like you but won't introduce you to friends till you start dating for a while.

Asking a guy if he likes you or not is a bit direct. But it's an example of a question that can provoke a reaction. Might not be the best question but depends on the situation. Spotting a lie might not be easy, especially if the person is good at it, so you need lots of clues.

Not sure you can tell anything from kisses. I'm sure there are plenty of guys in love that kiss badly and players that kiss really well.

Lots of married men cheat in Asia. I would say over 50%, and yeah a guy can cheat even if he's in love with a girl. I'll write a post about this later.

With regard to hitting on girls in a club. It really depends on the guy, the girl and the situation. Even players will categories girls into friends, girls they want a relationship with and just flings.

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