Wednesday, June 11, 2008

June/ Chapter 15: Why Hong Kong Men can't settle down

Hong Kong guys are very different from guys in other places, so I've been told by a number of girls that have dated guys in other countries and then come to Hong Kong. It's the same thing I hear over and over again. HK guys don't want to commit, they break things off soon after sleeping with a girl, and cheat more than guys in other places.

Now before my male brethren label me as a traitor, let me add that I am generalising. There are nice HK guys out there, just that the proportion of players vs nice guys is higher than other places. Also, I don't see myself as a nice guy, I try to avoid breaking girls hearts, but I've yet to settle down.

I'm just trying to give an honest picture of HK guys. Never the less I'm watching my back because the next time I walk down Lan Kwai Fong I expect someone to shout. "Hey isn't that the fucker that said we're scumbags? Kick his ass! $#@!$"

Ok, first of all let's see why HK guys are the way they are........

There's slightly more women than men in HK, and as we examined in the game theory part a gender imbalance causes big changes in courtship behaviour. If a guy knows there are lots of women around and he can shop around then he can afford to settle down later and play the field for longer. Even if a guy is in a relationship he can afford to shop around because if the relationship fails he could start a new one possibly with an even better girl.

Even expat men pick up on this pretty quickly, and a lot of expat men date differently in HK from the way they would if they were back in their home country. So it seems it's an environmental factor rather than some sort of local Chinese cultural factor.

HK is located in the center of Asia and HK people are pretty mobile. HK people travel more than people in most places, more than the average American or European. Which means that girls in HK are not just competing with one another, they are competing with girls in mainland China, Taiwan, Thailand, Macau, etc. This includes sex workers, and if a guy pays for sex and is sexually satisfied and doesn't need someone to lean on, then they can focus on their career and skip the relationship part altogether.
Also, remember guys learn off other guys. If everyone was faithful then a guy that cheats stands out a lot. But because so many guys cheat, guys will feel less morally responsible to stay faithful especially when their friends do it.

Most HK men, even Western educated ones are still influenced by traditional culture. Most Asian cultures are still biased when it comes to gender, and in a relationship the man has more power than the women. This has changed quite a bit in HK in the last 20 years. Women now want to get a say in their own relationships, especially career women who have clout in the office place.
Most Chinese men however still want their girlfriends and wives to be submissive. Or even if opinionated and career focused, not as strong or as successful as they are themselves. So the sad thing is, in a traditional culture, the stronger and more successful woman has actually a smaller pool of men to pick from. Not only does she have to find a man who she can respect, but someone who won't run away because she's got her own opinions.

For expat women the scene is even tougher. There are several barriers. There's the cultural barrier which exists anywhere in the world between people of a different culture or race. Generally HK men also prefer the cute, young, and slim looking type of girl. Then there's the point I made in the paragraph earlier, since lots of HK men don't want a woman that's more dominant or outgoing than they are, they don't want to date expat women. You will see expat men with Chinese girls all the time, but will be lucky to see an expat women with a Chinese guy once a month. I know of two girls that's moved away from HK now specifically because they couldn't find a guy to settle down with here, and needed to move on to find a man.

Ok, so how are the girls going to fix this situation? Well, at the very least apply the right type of strategy. Hey if I was playing sports and I wasn't good at a sport, I can't really get much bigger or faster, but I could improve a hell of a lot by practicing the right techniques and strategies. Same here, you can't get much prettier or younger again, so apply the right strat.

1) Be realistic rather than living in a sugar coated idealistic version of reality. If the situation is not good then it's not good, deal with it. Don't live in an idealised world which is different from the environment you are in. That just sets you up for disappointment.

2) We're smart creatures and can think past our own instinctive desires. That's why in previous posts I've highlighted many times how women are instinctively attracted to jerks and put off by nice guys. But maybe then, consciously knowing this fact, you can consciously pick to be with a nice person. Rather than just relying on the butterflies in the stomach feeling that gets you a nice date for 3 months, and then disappointment after. Don't just rely on feelings.

3) Be more flirtatious. For some reason lots of HK girls think being flirtatious means they come across as easy or slutty, and opens themselves up for meeting the wrong guys. Wrong! HK girls that are defensive in that way just come across as unfriendly and snobbish. The most attractive girls I know are friendly to every guy, and really nice, so they will end up having more guys like them and will have more to pick from. Not every guy is a player and when a girl immediately indicates no without learning more about a guy she's reducing her choices.
Flirtatious and friendly girls that know how to keep the situation under control have a lot more choice.

4) Use your head. Try to analyse a guy and the relationship clearly without emotions clouding your thoughts. Learn to seperate emotions from the business of finding a guy. Girls can do it at work, and girls can give good advice to their friends, so they need to be able to step out of their own shoes and judge a guy without emotions affecting judgement.

5) Be feminine and not too dominating, Asian guys like that.

6) Use sex. Trust me, sex can be a powerful weapon to controling a guy. Lots of girls will have less sex when they feel unloved or unhappy and this in turn means the guy will think less about her and more about other girls. Sex might be a physical thing for a guy, but in a relationship it's still an intimate and pair bonding experience. Don't make the situation worse by cutting a guy off. Just don't have sex with a guy too soon.

Basically, my advice are all based on focusing less on emotions and being more consciously smart about how things really are. I know it's hard for a woman to do since women get quite emotional but that's the reality of it all. If you play golf and don't have the right technique, you can do what feels best but you're going to hit the ball less, or you could learn a technique that feels unnatural but bring greater rewards.

If all else fails, move somewhere else......


missmaomao said...

so .. technically did you suggest that its okay to have sex be4 actually starting a relationship?

but hmm as a girl .. after having sex with a guy even if they are not in a relationship, their emtions can be easily attached to that particular guy... unless that girl is a regular player lol

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Yes, it's fine to have sex before starting a relationship. But don't have any unrealistic expectations of the guy. Treat it as fun and don't fall for the guy.

If you want to avoid players then don't have sex with him till after a lengthy courtship (say 4-6 weeks) where you see the guy regularly and certain he's not seeing other girls as well. Then you know he probably really likes you.

But remember players will have relationships as well. It's much harder to spot a player that likes a girl but dates her a few months to a year before losing interest.

missmaomao said...

so bascially there are tons of possibilities in this society just don't expect too much from a guy??? i think being IN LOVE with someone is unrealistic in a sense .. cause it involves with a lot of emotional attachments which can blind a person, what do u think?

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Nah, I think people should still find love. We only get to live once, and finding love is one of the great things in life. It just comes with it's own risks since the more you love someone the more you can get hurt.

Just don't love blindly because unfortunately loving someone doesn't mean you will get the same treatment back. Just be smart about it.

felicity leigh said...

I wish I can see your posts a lot earlier. LOL. I would say it's still true.

felicity leigh said...

guys can be so difficult sometimes.

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