Wednesday, June 18, 2008

June/ Chapter 20: We're the same baby

Guys wanna find out what makes girls tick, and girls wanna find out what makes guys tick. Now a lot of articles and books focus on how different the sexes are. But in reality some of the most important things that makes us attractive to the other sex are very similar, especially in a long term relationship. Here's a few of the similarities.

1) Be exciting. One of the main reasons girls fall for guys that are players over the nice guy is because the player can provide excitment. Or a sense of mystery and adventure other guys in the crowd can't offer.

Guys are the same. We've got a mother already, so we don't need to marry someone that's going to care about us, but going to bore us to sleep. The mistake that both guys and girls make in a long term relationship or marriage is they fall into a boring static routine. Some people are fun at first and then become really boring to be with after a long time. If that happens before marriage then the relationship drags out and the couple might have to break up after a number of years. If it happens after marriage then it can lead to divorce.

So always make life together fun, evolving and something for the other person to look forward to. Now unfortunately in Asian society lots of men and women lack or fear the spontaneity which makes this work, because they feel it's intimidating to the other person to try new things. But then why do people in long term relationships or marriages in Asia still get bored?

2) Women love good sex, and I'm not talking about the loving part, I'm talking about the orgasm. Since women don't need sex the way men do, when they do have it a guy can make a huge difference if he's good in bed. So if a guy can't make a woman cum through intercourse alone he should really spend more time on foreplay. Girls want to get more physical when it comes to sex.
But here's the thing, guys are not just physical when it comes to sex. That might be the case when it comes to an one night stand or casual sex. However, when it comes to a long term relationship the same routine with the same person will be boring. So a little sizzle and excitement rather than mechanical routine is key.

Also, realise that guys have emotional needs when it comes to sex in a long term relationship. When guys want sex in a long term relationship, it's not just about the sex. If you don't give it to him, he will feel something is wrong with him and won't feel loved. So being a good lover is important to both sexes.

3) Women generally want a man they can respect, we all know that. Now in Asia it's slightly different because lots of men fear women that are too independent or strong. But it's important for a woman to have her own life as well, to retain some sort of independence. It can be scary or boring for some guys if a girl just made the guy her world and didn't live a life of her own. So it's important for the girl to have her own social life and hobbies.

Note this is very different from acting aloof and detached, which some girls do. It's about being indepedent and still loving the other person. Not about living your own life and having a toy boyfriend and girlfriend on the side.

I have heard of some men in HK who do not allow their girlfriends to have any freedom. Many won't let the girls see any guy friends, and some won't even let them hang out with female friends if out late at night. A guy like that is pretty insecure about the relationship and his control over his girlfriend. Some girls can put up with that, but even as a guy I can't really respect that, because the same guy will then get bored with his submissive girlfriend.

4) Life is tough and it's like a battlefield out there at work. When we get home after work, we don't need to face an asshole or a bitch. We want to feel loved and supported. Girls definitely want that, but guys want the same. Guys can act tough at work in front of other people but might have problems they have holed up inside.
If a girl really wants to be special to a guy then it's important to support the guy. But in addition to that, it's important to be able to push him gently in the direction which helps him succeed.

A friend on mine once told me he knew his girlfriend wasn't the one for him because she couldn't challenge or inspire him to be a better man.


guesswho said...

very inspiring indeed ...
i guess alotta girls may wanna find a guy like -> Mr. Big but its hard!!
why can't we RESIST players?? ='(

I was falling for this guy .. clearly knew he was most likely a player but still gave in a lil .. kept on giving myself excuses that HE IS NOT .. but time does prove alotta things ... glad that i insisted not to sleep with him lol

but this is so sad .. at the same time .. i met a great quality decent NICE guy .. very successful, talented, and charming in other ways ... jus look wise didnt catch my eyes =S arghh but everything else seem to be very perfect ... and i don't feel as much for him .. SO PK !!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe i should go to LKF less ... do u think partying less is better when looking for a decent partner for a long term relationship?

Carlton Bradshaw said...

If girls really likes a guy she will justify the guy in her own mind. Whether it's someone new or a long term boyfriend in a relationship that is not working.

If you met this nice guy and nothing happened because you weren't interested, why don't you ask him out for something casual like a coffee or to a party with lots of people so it doesn't look like you are hitting on him?

Yes, partying too much is too distracting in my opinion. You won't be in the right mindset to settle down, and there's too many temptations.

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Note that I am not saying you have to stop going to LKF altogether. Just find your own balance.

As for Mr Big, you want to meet him before his first, and second divorce or his final marriage? haha.

guesswho said...

duH~!! of course final marriage ;)
but is it true that women in their age of 30s - single - less attractive? even they are damn hot and pretty still?

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Yeah I knew you meant before the final marriage, I was just teasing, and also trying to highlight the fact that Mr Big in different stages of his life and with different women is a totally different man.

What seems like a guy girls want is only that guy with the right girl and during a certain period in their lives.

Yeah I know some damn hot girls in their 30's, and yeah generally they will be less attractive to most men because if a guy can get a hot girl in her 20's then why go for someone 10 years older?

Expat men are generally more willing to date older Asian women from what I've seen.

guessuknowwho said...

that's sad .. does that mean i should get married be4 hitting my age 30? lol arghh still have x yrs to go
but time fliesssss .. scarrrrry =S

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Lots of men marry girls over 30. In any case the issue of finding the "right guy" isn't so much about looks or age.

A pretty girl in HK can attract more guys, that's it. But does it mean they're the right person?

If looks or age was the issue then there wouldn't be hot single girls, they would all be snapped up.

meagain said...

maybe you should open up a new chapter of what are the qualities to be a "keeper"

aiyaaz now does that mean i have to look uglier to be the "right person" lol .. i realised how ironic it is dat yes there are TONs of hot pretty girls that're still single .. whereas the normal-> soso looking ones their hitting rate of establishing a "hung fok" family seems to be higher


life is tough*

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Ha, funny you asked me to write about what qualities a girl should look for. I was just writing that in my post about "warriors".

As for average looking girls with more chance of a setting up a happy family. That's because being good looking and successful is its own curse in this town. A simple average person will be happy with simple and happy things. Whilst smart beautiful people expect too much, and never settle down because their perfect ideal partner doesn't even exist.

Horny Devil said...

Can you explain more about the sex part in far from what i've seen..despite all this crap in magazines that men want sex more than's the opposite...

All the women seem to want sex a lot more than the men...and often complain that they only get it once a week.. are the men just bored? btw, we're talking about men and women that have been in a relationship of at least one year and 25yrs upwards. A lot of the women have already tried to 'spice' things up but even that doesn't seem to work...

is this just how things are in relationships? that's depressing

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Hi horny devil,

Interesting question you ask there. I think to answer I need to start an entire new post, just about sex and sex lives.

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