Thursday, June 5, 2008
June/ Chapter 9: Romance
If you ask most people what they want from a person as a partner for life, then the qualities are usually pretty different from what people are attracted to in the beginning. People look for someone who's nice and they can rely on, trust, and communicate with.
That's not necessarily the qualities people are attracted to at the start of a relationship. Confidence and humour doesn't necessarily mean a guy might be a good long term partner. Nor is a beautiful girl. Which is why after a while a lot of relationships don't work.
So wouldn't it be better to find a nice and trust worthy partner to begin with? Well there's a few problems here. First of all, most people seem nice at the beginning because they put on their best face, and it's usually after a few months or even a couple of years before they show their true selves. Then all of a sudden you realise you're dating a really annoying person. Secondly, as discussed before nice qualities are probably not good, especially in a guy. A nice guy comes across as desperate and not assertive enough.
Thirdly and the main "problem" is people want romance. Now romance has a very important function. It's basically a pair bonding process that's evolved since before we were even humans. A lot of people fall in love and they don't even know why. There might be better people out there, but at that moment in time all they want is the person they like. The butterfly in the stomach and longing to see someone type of feeling is hormonal and very powerful.
Once you fall for someone then the first few months is esentially a positive feeback process. You like the person, and treat them well, and they like you better for treating them well and like you even more, etc, etc. During this period the feelings people have are so strong they become highly motivated to do things they normally won't do. Hence why a slob will be very well dressed and even clean up his room when a girl first dates him, then reverts back to his normal state after a while. The process only lasts a few months because that's the period needed to well........mate and produce a baby. (Remember we're talking about evolved instincts here)
That poses a serious problem for people with limited time. If you're not lucky then you will keep meeting people that are nice for the first year then turn into a person you would never have been attracted to in the first place. So why not date a good friend, or someone you know is pretty nice and compatible with you in the first place? Most people don't want to do this because of several reasons.
1) If you start winking at your friend and licking your lips you will feel very awkard if they puke up.
2) People are worried if the relationship doesn't work they will lose a friend.
3) It skips the butterfly in the stomach and exciting feeling that most people get when they hit it off with a stranger and someone new. There is less fantasy and romance to it.
In fact, if you're a guy and like a girl, never ever slip into the "friendship zone". One of the worst things in life is having a girl you like being really friendly to you, but to them you're just a friend or a "brother". If you like a girl, hit on her! Life's not perfect, and lots of people complain about not being able to find the right person. Testing the waters with a friend by being a bit more flirtatious with them might bring big rewards.