Sunday, June 22, 2008

June/ Chapter 23: How to improve your sex life?

"Can you explain more about the sex part in relationships...so far from what i've seen..despite all this crap in magazines that men want sex more than women...it's the opposite..."

This is a question someone just asked me on this blog, and it's probably one of the most important issues in a long term relationship.

Over 54% of couples in the UK state they have a stale sex life, or no sex at all prior to getting a divorce. Over 10% of couples even state a bad sex life as their main reason for getting a divorce, so whilst many people try to downplay the importance of sex in a relationship, it's highly important. Even if the subject is nto important to you, it might be to your partner. There's been loads of books, and thousands of research and case studies dedicated to the subject.

It's hardly a secret that if you don't love someone, or worse, resent them then you won't want to sleep with them. How healthy a couples sex life is in a relationship could be a barometer of how well the relationship is going. If there is something else causing the relationship and sex life to deteriorate then fixing that problem will naturally fix both. But what if your sex life being bad was the cause of a relationship failing? It would seem strange that something that feels as good as sex can be neglected but it often is.

First of all do realize that just because you have less sex now than at the start of the relationship it doesn't necessarily mean your partner loves you less. Sex drive is stronger at the start of a relationship because it's a pair bonding mechanism, so we've evolved to want to have more sex at the start of a relationship.

Secondly, everyone's sex drive is different. Some people want to have sex everyday, other people only want it once every week or two. The difference doesn't have to mean one party loves the other party any less. Just like the differences in other areas of the relationship, people will see things differently or have different needs. It requires communication and compromise for couples with different sex drives to avoid any problems.

I know first hand what that feels like because even after dating the same girl for years I would still want to have sex everyday. Every single girlfriend I've had, hasn't wanted it as badly as myself after a long period of time. I would assume the person that asked me how come guys want to have sex less than girls probably experiences the opposite, she probably has a stronger sex drive than her partners.

There's two ways to get your partner to want to have more sex. Firstly, get really good at it, and understand what makes your partner tick. If sex for them is a really good experience then they will naturally want more. No one wants to feel like they're just some sex object for their partner's sexual needs.

It's not possible (too lengthy) to teach sexual technique here, for that I'll have to start an entire new post, but if you want to improve sexual technique the best way is to watch porn and then experiment with your partner. I'm not friggin kidding, if you want to get good at it you got to learn from somewhere or it'll just be a hit or miss process. Some people still have reservations or old fashioned thinking when it comes to sex and that's why they don't get good at it.

Western porn is too mechanical and fake. Japanese porn is the best, and I mean mainstream stuff without any weird fetish crap (unless you are into fetishes!) . Japanese porn usually features girls that are off the streets and their reactions are qenuine, they really are enjoying it rather than making fake screams. Watch it with your partner, even joke about it, but make your partner comfortable and understand it's a tool to improve your own sex lives.

Experimentation is very important. Try different techniques, and positions, try using toys and dressing up. But the important thing is knowing that everyone is different. All those magazine quizzes about sex and sexuality are generally a pile of crap, because sexuality is one of the most subjective of human experiences and there's a lot of variance.

The other poster said basically she's tried to spice things up and it didn't work. Now I don't know what spice things up meant for her and her partner. Maybe it wasn't what the partner needed. Spicing things up doesn't have to be spontaneous, you can always discuss with the partner what they want. Having talked about it doesn't mean the sex is any less exciting or romantic.

But if spicing things up really doesn't work and your partner's sex drive seems very low despite you trying the right methods there could be external or psychological factors at work.

1) Overwork or high stress. HK is a very stressful place and most people are overworking. If someone is too tired after work, they might just want to chill and then fall asleep. I'm not really a big fan of HK lifestyle, people are too obsessed with money. If you and your partner are close maybe you can discuss that what your priorities are, and money and career isn't everything.

2) The person might have found you or themselves physically unattractive. If it's yourself then you might want to get in shape, or maybe your partner is asking for too much, it all depends. If your partner is not comfortable with him or herself but you feel fine then it's important to let them know.

3) Something else is affecting their mood and emotions. Maybe your partner is depressed about something, could be work or family issues. Whatever it maybe, get through that with them first.

4) They might feel their sex life is not good compared to others, work less at it and then it gets even worse. Seriously, not everyone's sex life is as glamorous as the movie stars, and from what I've heard from girls and what's on the net I'm guessing most people's sex lives are pretty mediocre. In which case no point putting yourself or your partner down by thinking your sex life is not as good as others. Rather, work at it.

Worse comes to worse, change your sex partner. Seems like everyone else is doing it in this town.........unfortunately......

6 comments:

Jen said...

Some figures in HK that you may wanna know...

According to a HK adult population-based study conducted by Lau, Kim, & Tsui (2007)*, "80.9% of males and 64.4% of females reported having had sex in the last 12 months, while 48% and 50.8%, respectively, were not satisfied with their sexual life. Around 24% of the males and 6% of the female respondents felt that sexual life is very important. Male respondents (52%) were more likely than females (33.6%) to believe that they had adequate knowledge about sex."

*Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, vol.33(3), p.255-269

Carlton Bradshaw said...

I'm surprised so few people say sex life is important. Are they talking about sex with their own partner?

Meanwhile I'm not surprised 81% of guys reported bad sex. But 52% of them thought they knew enough about sex.

Generally guys can have good sex with a girl if he teaches the girl what to do, and she's willing to learn.

From talking to girls I know most guys are bad at sex, but very few guys think they are inadequate with their sex lives even if they are. It's a matter of pride or ego.

guesswho said...

i definitely think sex is a very important element to bond the two together .. and guess what? size is not a matter !! its all about the techniques and the communication between the two during sex~!! i personally think if the guy knows how to lead and *teach* the girl during sex, it can definitely make a girl extra horny =p

arghh why didnt you write this blog 6-7 months earlier =S think this blog could have saved my last relationship =(

*sigh* but its alright .. life goes on and there are so much more ahead of us =p

but i still think great sex comes from that love bond between the two .. u would feel like ur melted

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Hmm, let's see if this blog helps anyone else's relationships, or helps people avoid messy ones.

So you want to melt, huh? Sounds sexy!

Horny Devil said...

*BIG SIGH* hmmm.... It must be his job then...and also, he's probably a bit bored with me... we have good sex when we do, but it's like waiting for ever to get some..

OK, another question. Is it true, that when guys break up from a meaningful relationship, the first thing most of them will do, is go shag loads of different women? Is it because they want to feel desirable? Coz most girls do the opposite, they cut off from men and stick with their girlfriends...

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Some women also sleep around after breaking up from a serious or long term relationship. But generally women tend to want a break, they become a little introspective and think about what they want out of life and relationships next.

Yeah, the men that sleep around generally do it because they want to feel desired. The irony with players is that a lot are sleeping around after breaking up with someone they cared about a lot.

The girls they are sleeping around with are just a quick fix for loneliness and their ego. Also, the guy will probably fear commitment and getting hurt again, so won't commit to another relationship till a long time later.

But it's pretty immature and shows lack of self awareness. Being heart broken isn't excuse to go hurt other people's feelings.

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