Thursday, July 31, 2008

How to get a guy to settle part 2: Age of commitment

The first and most important thing girls need to realize is that no matter what a girl does, some men will never commit. She could be the greatest woman in the world, and those guys will always hesitate when it comes to commitment, think there are flaws with her, or look for other girls.

To make matters worse infatuation will cloud judgment. When a woman’s already started a relationship with a man that’s not going to settle down, she will hope she can change that man. At best a woman manages to pull herself away from the man with some minor heartache. At worst a woman keeps going back to or stays with a complete loser, as if she’s addicted to the man, and wastes years in the process.

So the first and most important thing is to realize men can’t be changed. Lots of women pick guys that are not ready and then hope to change them into guys that will marry. The bad boys out there that finally decide to settle down do so because they've finally gotten tired of their previous lifestyle. The girl doesn't have much control over this unfortunately.

To empower themselves women need to totally change the way they select men. Avoid starting relationships with guys that are not going to commit, and only pick those that are the marrying type to begin with.

The first criteria is age. Guys will not marry till they reach an age where they are comfortable with the concept of marriage, lets call this the age of commitment. If you meet a guy that’s younger than his age of commitment then it is very unlikely the guy will consider marriage. The most you can do is hope for is a long term relationship that lasts till the guy hits his age of commitment. But something could happen in between which ends the relationship.

The average marrying age for men in Hong Kong is currently 31.1 (first marriage stats only), and there is a distribution curve around this average. Obviously there are differences between the ages different guys settle down at, but the bulk of the guys will be marrying close to the average, the younger they are the fewer the number of guys that will marry, and same for the older you get. Note that the age at which a guy proposes is obviously younger than the age of actual marriage.

But there are also different distribution curves for guys with different educational backgrounds and socioeconomic status. A high school grad will be willing to marry earlier, generally willing to accept the concept by 23 and marrying between 25-31. The distribution curves of most colleague grads are 3 years later, willing to accept the concept around 26, and marrying between 28-33, whilst those that require the most education, or in the most competitive environments will marry the latest.

The most ambitious and career orientated guys generally want to get to a stage where they feel the most comfortable with their careers before they even think about marrying. This usually means pushing back as far as possible. These include investment bankers, those that work in the front office in a trading floor, lawyers and doctors. Guys in these professions tend to marry between 30-36.

The ranges diven capture the vast majority of the men that do marry in each of these groups. So if you want to increase your chances of finding a man that will settle down, then the man should be approaching or already in this age of commitment bracket.

If you meet a banker or lawyer when he’s only 27 it’s very unlikely he will commit, so you will have to be with the guy for 3 years just for him to get to the beginning of his range. Expect then if he’s going to be a typical banker or lawyer then he won’t be getting married till 8 years after you start dating him (age 35). That’s an 8 year investment and risk the girl has to take, and it’s not a guarantee. Often stringers will sting a girl along for 5-7 years, only to get bored and then meets someone new who they marry. The irony is that the first girl may have been a great girl and better girlfriend but the timing was wrong.

The smart and logical thing to do then is to turn away all guys well below their age of commitment, and only go for those that are already close to or in their bracket.

Key points from this post:

Some guys just won’t commit. It doesn't matter how well you treat him, and don't even attempt to change a guy.

To avoid wasting time and getting hurt identify and only start relationships with the marrying types.

Guys rarely marry before their age of commitment.

Education level and socioeconomic status affects the age of commitment. Career orientated guys generally settle down later.

Starting a relationship with a guy that’s too far away from his age of commitment is too much risk. The key is timing.

Pick guys that are already close to or in their age of commitment bracket!

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