Thursday, July 24, 2008

July/Chapter 10: Soul Mates

Having talked to quite a lot of people, I've realized that many people are still single now because they’re waiting to find a soul mate. Not many people specify they are looking for one, but judging from what people want and the type of perfection many need, we’re talking about soul mate territory. There’s nothing wrong with looking for a soul mate but I think some people have the wrong expectations of what a soul mate really is.

Ok, first of all let’s define what a soul mate is. The classic definition is someone’s other half, their twin soul, which the person is driven to find to feel complete. More generally a soul mate is someone with whom one has deep feelings of love, intimacy, friendship, sexuality, spirituality, and general compatibility. Basically, it’s a best friend who you also love and have good sex with.

There might be hundreds of people out there who could be potential soul mates for each of us. So how come some people search all their lives and never find a soul mate? That includes many that are already married.......

Well one of the main problems is timing. Someone that might be your soul mate at a certain point in time might just be a heart break if you meet them at the wrong time. That’s one of the reasons why I said it’s a bad idea to start a relationship with anyone that’s got a lot of disposable income but under 30 (usually bankers and lawyers). It’s not that no bankers get married before 30, since every guy’s different. It’s just that the average marrying age is so much higher. So a girl would have to risk years in a relationship with someone that might end up not being ready at all.

Another mistake people make is they believe that a life with a soul mate is easy and natural, and their personalities should easily click. Some people start looking for perfection in their partners, and think that everything in the relationship should click. They feel that with the right person they won’t have problems, and these same people are setting themselves up for big disappointments and potentially an even bigger loss.

People create excuses to bail out of an unhappy relationship or even a happy one because they think their partner isn’t their soul mate. I am certain many people have found their soul mates already and broken up with them because they keep looking for even better, ie something that doesn’t even exist. Being with anyone after a long time requires a lot of work, because arguably human beings are not designed to be together for multiple years without friction or problems. So those that give up on a relationship just because problems develope have probably already said bye to their soul mate.

There can be external temptations. The reason guys find it hard to settle down in a big city is because of the abundance of good looking girls. A guy might already have a great girlfriend but then meets what seems to be an amazing girl. With a new person things always seem great at the start, but there’s a difference between an infatuation that wears off later, and someone that can already be trusted.

You can’t find your soul mate if you haven’t found yourself. Lots of people don’t even understand themselves well enough, and think they’ve found a soul mate when the person is totally not right for them. It’s one of the main reasons why divorce rates are higher for couples that marry younger.
A soul mate is about finding a best friend and partner, it's not about using someone. So the gold diggers and players out there will never find a soul mate until they've learnt that the person they're with is not a free dinner or one of many people they are intimate with.

Finally a soul mate is someone we can be completely honest with. Someone we trust to love us for who we are and not who we pretend to be. There are no secrets and hidden agenda with a true partner in life, and that’s why most married couples are not soul mates. Most people have too much to hide even from their spouse.


missmaomao said...

so how do you know if you REALLY like that person or not? how can you differentiate if that person u like is a soul mate or what?

Carlton Bradshaw said...

A soul mate isn't just about REALLY liking the person. Lots of girls REALLY like guys and their relationship with those same guys are the most horrible experiences.

The easiest way to explain what a soul mate is, is simply a best friend you are dating.

Most married people don't marry their soul mate. So no worries, it's not an absolute requirement for a successful relationship.

The problem is when people think a partner has to be perfect and won't accept anything less. When that happens even if someone finds their soul mate they will be too blind to realize it.

Molten said...

Phew! finally caught up a month's worth of blog! Interesting read..though seemingly very stereotypical. Is it just the people you know? Or do I really think/act so differently to the majority of females?

What is a 'perfect' woman in a guy's eyes?

Carlton Bradshaw said...

haha, I'm obviously not writing fast enough.

Some of the stuff I write about is about people I know or know off. Most of the stuff is about general human behavior.

But yeah, I generalise, since there is too much variance and variation in human behavior to examine all issues. So I focus on the stuff that happens to most people.

A "perfect" woman? Well, I can't speak for every guy, but I think most guys would say: Pretty, nice figure, nice personality, fun to hang out with and talk to, caring, understanding, intelligent but not smarter than the guy, successful with her own career.

That's just an ideal.

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