Wednesday, July 30, 2008

How to get a guy to settle part 1: Ojectives

When I speak to a lot of girls they seem to have a belief that they have very little control over what happens in relationships, and that we should just find someone we like and hopefully things will work out.

What if I told you people could have much more control over their relationships? What if you could empower yourself to find the right person and have a great relationship with that person? Finding the one is not a random process. One study I looked at was researched by female researchers who started the study because they were fed up of not finding men that would commit. Within 3 years all the researchers got married because they applied their own research to how they selected men.

The first and most important step in avoiding stringers, players, and having success in relationships in general is to understand yourself. This entire blog is actually about trying to achieve two things, one is to teach you about others, and the other to teach you about yourself.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself just from writing this blog. Who I am, what I want, and what my strengths and weaknesses are.

Most people search externally for the answer to more success, they don’t look within themselves. The reason why I say understanding yourself is important is because many women do two things that hurt themselves. Firstly women are naturally attracted to men that are the worst at committing (it’s genetic, explained in June/Chapter 2), and many try to make things work with these men hence prolonging and making a painful process even worse.

Just so all you ladies out there don’t think I’m full of crap, and you don’t believe self understanding can allow you to exercise more control over relationships, I will use myself as an example. Mainly because I actually have to deal with more issues than most people, so if you feel bad I'm right there with you.

My real father cheated on my mum when I was still a baby, and she left him. I haven’t seen him since I was a baby so I don’t even know what he looks like. My stepdad was a very responsible man, he provided for my family, but I was never close to him. So I never experienced a father/son relationship and was never close to anyone in my family.

My experience growing up is a classic case of parents get divorced when young (which is different from divorce when the child is older), lack of fatherly love, and no older male role model. People like me generally grow up with problems getting intimate with another person, and have very little faith in relationships and in the institution of marriage.

If I didn’t know that about myself, I would spend the rest of my life screwing up my relationships and won’t even know why. By knowing that about myself, I can find solutions to the problem and change myself.

Ok, so not everyone is able to psychoanalyze themselves. But everyone can do something that is very simple:

Ask yourself what you want, have an objective in your mind, and do things that work towards that objective and don’t stray. I’m surprised how so many women are successful in their careers because they have clear objectives and have a step by step approach to achieving their objectives, but in their personal lives there’s no direction, no plan, just a lot of confusion.

Are you tired of the pressure and frustration of just dating, but sexually frustrated and looking for some fun and company? Then go and find yourself a fling or fuck buddy. But you better stick to this objective. If you want casual fun, stick to casual fun, don’t go find a guy that’s just looking to sleep around, and then start developing feelings for him. If you start developing feelings for him then you better cut it off asap. You’ve moved away from your objective and setting yourself for a potentially messy and painful situation.

Do you want a relationship? If so, then are you able to break it off? The reason I ask this strange question is because I spoke to a girl last night that told me not all girls want to get married, or thinking of marriage.

Oh really? Well that’s not true, because if you think about it, every single relationship either goes on forever or ends. There is no other choice! So, you’re either going to break up one day or get married, there is no in between, unless you remain together but not married till you die.
So, are you able to "have some fun" and break up your relationships at will? If not then you better either keep it shallow, just based on sex, and never develop emotions for a guy, or you find a guy that will actually marry you in the end. Everything else in between is not clearly defined and that’s why people get hurt, and girls end up wasting precious years with the wrong guys in the wrong relationships.

It’s easy for a girl to get sex if she wants, I don’t need to teach that. So the next post will just focus finding guys that are the marrying types.

Key points from this post:

  • Success in relationships is not random, there are certain strategies that work better than others.

  • You can have control and power over success with the other sex and in your relationships.

  • Understand yourself.

  • Have an objective in your mind, what do you want?

  • All relationships either end one day or end in marriage.

  • Unless you just want sex, find guys that will actually marry you (refer to point above if you’re confused as to why). Everything in between is potentially messy and painful.

3 comments:

All Woman said...

I didn't use to see the big deal about getting married or the big obsession with it. Until I got marrried and realised that it is a gesture of ultimate committment. It really isn't easy to break off a relationship when you've made a public declaration about it. However, I must say that I only wanted to be married when it was close to the wedding date and not before.

On the otherhand, I have a few friends in England where they have a house and baby with the guy but are not married - the girl's choice. They're still happy and committed.

So just to prove you wrong, that not all women want to get married and not all are looking for marriage.

Carlton Bradshaw said...

True, marriage is just a sign of commitment.

Actually one of my best friends is in England as well and has a daughter with his partner and they are not married.

But he stuck around to help raise the baby. What about all those guys that run off?

There is no guarantee for a woman if she's not married that a man will even stay to help. At the end of the day it's a sign of commitment, otherwise the guy can really abuse the situation.

A girl might not want to get married either, but I doubt there's a single woman out there that wants the burden of raising a kid alone.

Carlton Bradshaw said...

True, marriage is just a sign of commitment.

Actually one of my best friends is in England as well and has a daughter with his partner and they are not married.

But he stuck around to help raise the baby. What about all those guys that run off?

There is no guarantee for a woman if she's not married that a man will even stay to help. At the end of the day it's a sign of commitment, otherwise the guy can really abuse the situation.

A girl might not want to get married either, but I doubt there's a single woman out there that wants the burden of raising a kid alone.

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