Tuesday, July 15, 2008

July/ Chapter 6: Expectations

The reason people get hurt in relationships is because they have certain expectations and those expectations are not met. In fact it’s possible to draw a 3 dimensional chart with different parameters on expectations and behaviors, and literally have a payout or result that comes from each combination of behavior and expectations.

A simplified example: Two people that are both looking for just sex will end up as fuck buddies. One person looking for sex + one person looking for commitment = a user + a broken heart. Two people looking for commitment will tie the knot.

Then you can break down even more. For example, as we’ve mentioned on this blog already, if you have a player and someone looking for commitment, if a player is honest then he won’t get any sex. If a player wants sex, the person looking for commitment must assume the player wants commitment as well. So either the player uses deception or he just keeps quite and lets the other person think whatever they want to think.

So really, to avoid wasting time or getting hurt, it’s not about finding someone you like and then building an unrealistic expectation around them. It’s simply about understanding what type of person you're dealing with and then having a realistic expectation based on what you know already deep down.

Ok, so here’s something girls need to know. If a guy is not ready to get married then no matter how great the girl is, he’s going to delay it till he’s ready. On rare occasions if the girl is really great and the guy is not ready, If the girl gives him the ultimatum of getting married or she will leave him, he might just settle. But that’s actually pretty rare. I know many couples which have broken up after they’ve been together for a long period of time. Generally the guy couldn’t take the next step, and this is despite the girl being a great girlfriend and the guy being comfortable with dating her indefinitely.

Guys generally don’t want to get married. Most guys basically view marriage as saying bye to freedom to do what they want, when they want. Not just in meeting other girls, but freedom to do whatever they like when they like. So if you want to marry a guy, you really need to have the right expectations or move on.

First sign of commitment is that the guy will accept the girl for who she is, and is willing to make sacrifices and compromise to do things for a girl that might go against what he wants. Guys naturally will do this when chasing a girl because they know they have to be on their best behavior and look most attractive to get the girl interested. After a period of a year or two, once the guy is comfortable the true self will probably show. If then the guy turns out to be a jerk then that’s probably not going to change, so move on.

Guys that are not ready will tend to find imperfections in every girl. I know my own ideal standard and the standard of many guys I know are totally unachievable. So many guys have actually turned away what would have been the best they could have gotten because of some problem that have put them off. Girls do this as well, but generally in the early stages of a relationship.

If a guy treats girls this way then he has to date enough girls and failed enough times with them to realize that everyone is imperfect. Everyone already knows that no one is perfect, but that’s like saying we all know people starve to death in Africa so we should be grateful for what we have. It’s one thing to understand the concept, it’s another to be truly grateful. If a guy is never grateful for you and finding excuses for not committing then move on.

If a guy really wants to be with you he’ll work out the problems in your relationship no matter what. Guys that don’t want to commit will take the easy choice which is to break up. If that happens then don’t go back no matter how much you want to, because almost any problem can be resolved and if the guy doesn’t think it can be then he’s not ready.

A guy who feels he’s not making enough money or too absorbed in his career won’t want to settle down either. There’s several reasons for this behavior. Firstly the guy might be practical and doesn’t want to get married when he can’t afford a wedding or home. The second is pride, and the guy doesn’t want to get married and live a low standard of living together. The third reason is simply that the guy’s competitive and his career will always be the most important. Whilst ambition is naturally the most attractive to women, and success comes from ambition, a guy that’s too focused on his career won’t settle, or if that's the case he might not be the best husband. It's why I've stated before bankers are probably the worst boyfriends.

The most obvious point would be older guys will be more likely to settle down. Of course this is not a fixed rule since some guys will settle down at 26, whilst others still haven’t played enough when they’re close to 40. But all things being equal, a guy that’s played a lot and been in a lot of flings that go no where might will one day finally get tired of meaningless fun, and settle for something that’s more emotionally fulfilling. Also, if all the guy’s friends start getting married he’s going to have fewer friends to party with, and also start to reflect on what he wants out of life. It’s probably time to stop partying once a guy’s the “dirty old man” in the club……

The important thing is, don’t have unrealistic expectations that a guy will marry you if he’s going to be indecisive and drag it out forever. It will just be a waste of time, because if a guy wants to get married, then he will, especially if he’s under an ultimatum. So, issue an ultimatum if you think he’s being indecisive. But you better stick to the ultimatum or you’re be alone one day and wasted a bunch of years on something that was never meant to be.


Anonymous said...

so that's why i think people should ask "r u sure u want to do this?" at the begining~
make sure~then u wont expect the next step! and ~u wont get hurt! (JO)

Anonymous said...

or maybe just ask straight what they want. (Jo)

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Yeah the problem is a player knows most girls won't be interested in just sex, and would walk away if he told the truth. So they never broadcast their intentions.

Anonymous said...

there still have many girls just can have sex without emotions like me~~hahahah(kidding)
i think maybe guys just go the wrong places to find that kind of girls. (Jo)

Anonymous said...

expectation definitely plays an important role in a relationship ... so what about communication between the two? lol

it may sound silly but ... do u believe in horoscopes? LOL

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Yeah, communication is key to any long term relationship. Problem is when someone isn't honest about their intensions. Or someone's honest but they don't want to commit, yet the other party is still hoping for something which isn't going to happen.

Horoscopes.......no I don't believe in them, since I don't believe there's only 12 types of people. I think horoscopes are so general people read what they want to read from them.

Anonymous said...

Not all girls want to settle down either. I myself as an example just want to have some fun, share some affection, sex, quality time with another person. Commitment can come later when 2 people really feel comfortable with each other. I don't think a guy has to lie to get laid! What guys don't understand is that they make it clear that they just want a one-night stand, then of course the women are not interested. Girls want to be treated well, she might not like him after one or two nights also but she doesn't want to think from the start that it will be one night only. She wants to be with a guy who is open to share something with her, whether it works out later, nobody knows. Girls want guys who are interested in her as a whole person. We can share good times with people that we do not always want to marry! We don't just want sex, we want other things like good conversation, good laughs but not necessary MARRIAGE!

Carlton Bradshaw said...

I agree with you, I think if more girls are open to just having a good time then everything will be cool.

Guys dont' have to lie either, they could just be having a good time. Problem arises when expectations don't match.

Thing is a lot of girls do want to settle down, especially when they're older. At a certain age girls feel a stronger urge to get married.

This post wasn't about crucifying the player, it was about not wasting time on someone that's not going to commit no matter how hard you try.

Anonymous said...

ya~i agree with that~
but i think~if the girl wants to settle down~ they should know cant go some places to find or maybe they just want to try if there has any chance to have one !
but i think it's really stupid theing because some girls already known they wont find a good guy in the wrong place~but they still want to try, and get hurt.(Jo)

Anonymous said...

I agree with Carlton Bradshaw, it's better to be sure from the beginning about the intention of both parties and try to find a solution if the both really appreciate each other and want to try to settle the couple.

If no one is ready to make some concession, so there is no need to waste time. The planet is big and contents a lot of people, even if you think that you haven't met the right one till now.

Just let things go, be open, be happy and be yourself. No matter what, people are attracted to this kind of people, so try to be one of them, you will feel much more better.

My credo is "never never have any regrets", so do what you have to do to fulfil your life and always be proud of yourself.


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