Tuesday, August 5, 2008

How to get a guy to settle part 4: Take your time

Taking your time during the courtship stage of a relationship is very important. This requires quite a bit of self control in terms of behavior and thought processes.

The first and most important thing is not to have sex too quickly. Most women know this already, but they end up doing it too quickly, because lets face it.......girls like having sex as well. If a guy really likes you he can wait, in fact, if a guy wants you to have sex with him at any point in the first 2 dates, that’s a warning sign. It shows that the guy is thinking with his dick, and most probably a player. Even if a guy isn't a player, you don't want to start a relationship that's based on sex at the start.

But please don’t lead a guy on, don’t invite a guy up to your apartment late at night, start kissing him on your couch. Then when he tries to take your clothes off, you go “aha! You’re a player!”. You don't know how many girls have come up to my place and done this. I mean, were they seriously fucking with me? (pun intended) Actually, a lot of girls do this last minute resistance thing, it's actually documented.
But that’s called entrapment and hardly a good test of a guy’s character. If you wave a sausage in front of a hungry dog, it's got to be REALLY well trained not to take a bite. Pick neutral areas, preferably without the consumption of too much alcohol, and don’t let a guy take you to his place or up to yours.

Lengthening the courtship process will also allow you to find out more about the guy and make sure he’s not a stringer. The key is to find out what he’s views are on relationships, family and friendships. Also you need to find our his views on morality in general. Don't worry, you don't need to do all this before you have sex, that's unrealistic. But you better find out early on in the relationship before you've wasted 2-3 years on a stringer.

Never date guys with no close friends. It shows the guy has problems getting close to and connecting with other people. There are guys that will have lots of friends but they are not close to anyone. The guys with solid brotherly like friendships are the ones that will be better at intimacy and potentially marriage.

In addition, what happens to the guy’s close friends is an indicator of whether the guy will settle down soon or not. If most of a guy’s close friends are already married then he will be more likely to get married. Not only does it mean he has fewer buddies with time to hang out together, but seeing his best friends happily married will make some guys reassess and think about what’s important in life.

Men from broken families might be less likely to marry. If a person’s parents get divorced whilst they are still young, that person might develop a lack of faith in the institution of marriage. Speaking from a personal point of view, because my real parents divorced when I was just a child, I always looked at and focused on the divorce stats. The fact that the divorce rate in the US is 50%, and 34% in HK tells me that the odds of divorce is pretty high. So, I am reluctant to get married.

I'm not saying to never date men whose parents have been divorced, since that would remove a large percentage of otherwise normal guys. But if a guy isn’t up for the concept of marriage then find out if it’s related to his parent’s status. Whilst if a guy’s parents are divorced, find out if he’s against the idea of marriage. If your guy has a fear of marriage, he could be stringing you along for years with no plans to commit.

If it was anywhere in the Western world I would tell you that if you are tired of good looking, smooth talking men being the players and stringers, then go for a less attractive guy. Someone who’s not as outgoing but intelligent, funny and a potentially good partner. In other countries some men are very nice guys but are gun shy, don’t like to hit on women, or just not very outgoing at the start of a relationship.

I can’t tell you that in HK, because many men that can’t get a decent girlfriend can simply visit a pro in China or Macau. So now even the less attractive men are not safe! The worst guys are the ones that were turned down by girls when younger, but found out later in life they can get girls with money (not just pros). Those men make very bad partners, because they are disillusioned with the whole idea of romance and think women can be bought. Find out what the guy’s view is on sex, dating and moral issues.

Finally people are more likely to marry if they are from the same socioeconomic backgrounds. Don't crucify me here, because I am just reporting what other people think, I'm not looking down or judging. Many guys with a good educational background, money and success will have no problem dating a party girl with no higher education. But the chances they will marry such a girl is very slim. It's because guys have different criteria between a girlfriend and a wife, and he will also worry about what his parents and the people around him think if he marries someone that's not from the same background.

The guy might also have the same problems in his head if he's going to be marrying up to a girl from a rich family. He's going to worry if he can make enough money, or if the people in this new family might look down on him. Don't want to dispell the Cinderella story, and it's not impossible, but in real life it's rare for people of vastly different backgrounds to marry.

Not an easy task, it can take a while to find out some of these issues. If you ask a guy too soon he’ll think you’re a freak, and even if you ask later, be subtle and casual about it. But if warning lights flash, you better get that butterflies in the stomach feelings out of your system and reassess if the guy might string you on for years with no commitment.

Key points from this post:

Take your time, do not have sex too soon.

Never date guys with lots of friends but no close friends.

If a guy's close friends are married, he's more likely to get married.

Be aware if a guy's parents are divorced, find out how he sees marriage.

Find out if someone has a decent moral and value system.

Date people of a similar socioeconomic background. If the difference is too big it's going to be a barrier to marriage.

Be ready to leave a guy if he's got a lot of the traits that indicate he's not ready for marriage and going to string you along.

1 comment:

Xart said...

Well written! I am a guy and I agree with your points in this post. They match up well with my real life observations of what my guy and girl friends are like. Especially the "visit the pro" part which I know some frds do but I don't. The way how they would come back like they have been to heaven or something but after that they just go back to normal, finding themselves lost. Thanks for the advices.

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