Sep/ Chapter 6: Trading up

I was at a barbecue the other night and got into a discussion with a couple of people about an interesting topic. At the beginning one person brought up a really messed up story about some guy that slept with his best friend's wife.

The topic then changed to a hypothetical situation. What happens if your friend and his/her ex had a bad break up, and you knew your friend would not want you to date his or her ex. It's off limit territory and by dating your friend's ex, you would lose your friend. What would you do?

For me personally, I wouldn't even go near my friend's ex, I wouldn't get close enough in the first place to even get emotionally attached. That's because there are plenty of girls out there, why would I want to go hitting on a girl that's going to lose me a friend?

I thought the answer was obvious and everyone would naturally pick to avoid a relationship with the friend's ex, and preserve the friendship. But two people (one guy, one girl) in the discussion said, their natural choice would be to date the friend's ex, even if it meant losing the friend. This came as some what of a shock to me, since I thought their choice was so blatantly wrong.

So I said that didn't make sense. First of all the there wasn't even a guarantee that the friend's ex was going to be "the one". It might just be like every other relationship that didn't work, but the friendship would be ruined. I said it made no sense to trade something that was certain (the friendship) for something which was very uncertain (finding the one).

The guy I was debating with then said he still stuck with his choice, because it was like investing and taking risk. He said many people would rather buy stocks which had the risk of falling in value, but had a much bigger upside, than buying US treasury (government) bonds which had a fixed low rate of return but had no downside risk. The friend was meant to be like government bonds, provided a low rate of return, whilst the friend's ex, whilst not guaranteed to be "the one" might turn out to be the love he's been looking for all his life. (The guy was a banker)

Ok fine, but what about the fact that there were so many people out there in the first place? Every guy or girl out there could be the one! Why go for someone that would mean losing a friend? Both the guy and the girl then argued that friends come and go as well. I wasn't surprised they made this comment since Hong Kong was full of transient people that moved a lot and were very mobile.

I left the debate at that, but I thought, well I definitely wouldn't want to be their friend. If my friendship and the value of it was simply based on what type of returns I could provide for them, then that's not real friendship.

I also didn't tell them that their approach was going to hurt them in the long run as well, because it was selfish, and whilst they had justified it in their mind, it was the very same mentality which would prevent them from finding "the one". See, if they were so pre-occupied with finding the one and trading up, and willing to sacrifice a friendship for something that wasn't even certain, if they were in a relationship and problems developed they would do the same. They would find someone new that wasn't guaranteed to be better but might just provide better returns.

But in the long run there was only one thing they was certain. They were actually increasing the chance that they will never be satisfied, constantly looking to trade up, and ultimately single or lonely.

Sep/ Chapter 5: By request

The following were sent to me by girls that wanted this posted on the blog:

First piece:

Top ten reasons why ladies today are still single!!:

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome, and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think women are only after their money.
7. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think women are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think women are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy nd NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in women when they take the initiative.

*** May I just add, I think women are single because they are too picky!

Second piece:

One of my friends recently had a fling with this guy, the guy was staying at a hotel and traveled a lot for business. One morning he told her he was leaving for work for a week and will be back a week later. Of course the guy doesn't call, and would only answer coldly to my friends messages. So my friend gave up.

Last weekend, my friend was at a party and saw him. He was talking to some people so she didn't feel like going over to chat. He finally left with some girl, and my friend asked her friend who the fat chick was that left with her guy. The friend said "She's not fat, she's pregnant. That's his wife and they've been married for ages, she moved over to Hong Kong 3 weeks ago"

Sep/ Chapter4: Suck my dick......

The most interesting thing about a player is, when you ask a player if he's a player, some genuinely don't think so. It's like some sort of psychological state of denial to protect themselves. This happens because generally most people like to think of themselves as good people, and lets face it. Even if it’s more acceptable for a guy to be a player, its still a negative connotation if you say a dude is a dog.
The player likes to say.....they just love women, not that they're horny bastards who cant control themselves and don’t give a fuck if they hurt someone.

Similarly if you ask most gold diggers if she's a gold digger, few women would say "yes, in fact i am". No one wants to think of themselves as bad or selfish people even if they are. It’s a rare person who can look in the mirror and accept all that they are. To avoid guilt most people have protection mechanisms called denial, and justification.

The most common form of justification I’ve heard from players is "if a girl comes out to play, she knows what she’s getting herself into". Pushing the blame on to the victim is a well known psychological process that’s common amongst those guilty of a crime that hurts another human being. How a player treats his "target" is much the same, by blaming the victim the player avoids any guilt associated with doing something they actually know is bad.

Recently I let a couple of girls know who James Bond was. If you don't know who I am refering to, it's not the James Bond in the movies, but a guy I know. I talk about him in an old post in June. He's called James Bond because he's the most successful player I know. I told the girls because I know how the scene works and I just want my female friends to know who my player friends are to avoid any of them getting hurt.

James Bond found out.

In response he sent me a couple of messages on facebook. I've been trying to interview James Bond for months, to find out exactly how he operates. Ironically now that he's pissed off he's speaking with his heart and revealing a lot more about how a player thinks.:

"Could you stop backstabbing me by telling others that I’m a playboy/I have a lot of GFs? You don’t even know me and I treated you as a friend……." Then deletes me on facebook.

I wrote back saying, what’s the big deal? I tell my friends I am a player too.

"Stop finding yourself excuses as it does not make any fucking sense to me man. you are just a loser, period. I can’t consider you as a friend anymore. No decent guy friends of mine would say things like that, grow up and be a man with honor. All I can see is a selfish ass who stabs his friends for girls."

Now I got mad, because I don't mind if a priest gave me a lecture about "decency", "honor", and "selfisness". But the biggest player I know!? Here's my response to the guy:

1) First of all, I am not close to you. I’ve been clubbing with you less than half a dozen times, dinner once, and I was invited to one Taipei trip together because I would be a good wing man. It’s not like I would have been invited if I was a 400 lb ugly fat fuck, that would not have fit in well with a clubbing crew. Lets be honest, right?

2) Don’t talk to me about honor. That’s like a thief telling another thief to have honor amongst thieves. A long time ago I realized there were only strong/weak, good/bad in this world. I’ll rather protect a "good" female friend than a fucked in the head "bad" male friend. Look in the dictionary, honor means integrity and dignity. Honor is not about fucking a different girl every other week, then going to a club and finding a new girl. It’s only because I do have honor that I warn my female friends, rather than stay quiet and watch as they become prey.

3) Only a player would assume that someone warning girls is actually backstabbing him to get girls. Of course it "makes no fucking sense" when I tell girls I am a player, anyone that does that significantly lowers their chance of getting that girl. Most players wouldn't get this because they think with their dick, and assumes everyone else does the same. Seriously there couldn't be a better definition of selfishness than a guy who's dick's more important than everything else around him.

4) Players should just face the fact that they’re players, be a fucking man and admit to it. It's only decent to stop pretending to be a nice guy. Why pretend to have any decency, date, use, then dump a girl? Have the balls to tell girls that you’re sleeping around, and then if the girl still wants to have sex with you, she’s made the conscious choice. Don’t lead her on into thinking you will be her boyfriend and then break her heart.

5) If you don’t want to be a honorable man, that’s fine. I'm not exactly a saint myself, and I'm not going to shove morality and moral highground down your throat. But if and when you meet female friends of mine I will tell them you are a player to protect them.

If people can't take the reputational heat, then maybe they shouldn't have done it in the first place. That goes for Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer, and James Bond.

*Ok, now that you've read this post. What's your opinion? Was it right for me to warn female friends the guy's a player? Two guys, have said the following: It wasn't your business to get involved, and besides, getting hurt is a process through which the girls grow and learn about relationships and guys.
Two girls on the other hand have said it was reasonable to warn the girls. If they were the girls, they would definitely have preferred to have known.

Hmm, seems like what people think is reasonable or not is divided along gender lines.

What's your stance?

How to get a guy to settle down part 9: Playing hard to get

I have a female friend that's really pretty and she's very nice, but she's been single for a long time, so I asked a few questions to find out why. I then realised the girl was probably acting too defensive when guys approached her, and it came off as playing hard to get, and she was conveying "not interested" without realising it.

Playing hard to get doesn't work.........let me explain why.

I recently bought a bunch of books for research in preparation for a book I want to write, and I realised several of the most popular self help books on the market basically just teach women how to play hard to get. Now I know why those books got so popular, because they are written in a way which come off as empowering to women. The impression they give is, if you are too nice you will only get hurt (which is true if you're unlucky) but if you play hard to get you'll definitely get the guy you want, which is a big friggin lie. One book even said that if you play hard to get even the biggest player in the world will fall for you. That's just a lie, and not surprising considering the book was written by authors that were advocating games and deception.

Even if you could get the biggest player in the world to fall for you, why would you even want such a man? Men don't really change, and if you marry a big player there's greater chance the guy's just going to fuck around later when you're married.

Now, some girls would say the ideas in these books actually work. But that's because by playing hard to get you guarantee two things. One, the guys that don't really like you will by put off and quit chasing, that includes the players. Two, you'll be so self absorbed by your happiness, you, yourself, and not getting YOURSELF hurt, that you will love the guy less than he loves you, and that's always a good way to reduce the chances of getting hurt.

Ok, so it's not easy finding someone that loves you the same as you love them, in most relationships one person is more in love. That's true even for many married couples. But manipulation is unnatural, it's tiring and will only create problems years later when it creates a series of other problems.

Playing hard to get also only works on those that are blindly and crazily in love with you in the first place. What the books suggest is that men like challenges, so as soon as you play hard to get you drive men raving mad and every man wants to buy you a wedding ring. Now it works more on guys that enjoy a challenge, but that doesn't mean the guy's necessarily going to be a good partner, because many players and stringers also enjoy challenges and they're the ones that will be problematic in a relationship later on.

Meanwhile when you play hard to get you turn off three groups of men that generally make good partners. Firstly the intuitive, perceptive types that understand people clearly and can tell when they're being jerked around. Secondly, the introverted shy tpyes, who'll make a good partner but needs an encouraging pull rather than a shove away. Last but not least, the guys that have been hurt just like yourself, and don't ever want to go near a woman that's playing games.

The key ladies is to not be easy, and to retain your independence. "Playing hard to get" and "not being easy" are not the same thing, work it out.......The key to happiness is a balancing issue, which is to love someone but also to love yourself and protect yourself at the same time.

So how not to be easy?

Firstly, do not ever have sex with a guy too soon. In fact, if a guy asks you to spend the night with him on the first two dates, say bye forever. Guys are not stupid, they know women don't want to have sex too soon. So the guys that want to have sex with you on the first couple of dates either view you as a sex object, or doesn't really like you because if he did he knows he should wait. Don't buy all that, "hey baby I like you a lot, so want to be with you" crap. Have a little dignity and realise even if you like the guy, he's dick is more important than you and don't call him again. Or you have sex with him if you think he's cute, but you better be aware it was just sex!

After the first couple of dates he might start trying but you shouldn't have sex with a guy in the first month you're seeing him. That way you get to learn a lot about each other, and he developes feelings for you, rather than the sex just being a physical act.

The other thing about not being easy is how to act once you're already in a stable relationship. Do not turn into the guy's mum or maid on call. That's the quickest way for a guy to start losing interest in you. Don't always be the one to go over to a guys place every time he wants you. If you're going to be a dial-a-hug, dial-a-maid or worse, dial-a-fuck, he's going to take you for granted. That's because he knows you love him so much you're willing to be on call.

You can help but do not clean up the guy's place regularly. You're not a maid or his mum, if you don't like his place being messy tell him to clean it up himself or hire a maid or you're going to dump him. Always make sure the guy knows if he doesn't treat you right, you will leave him.

The problem with loving a person too much is if that person starts taking you for granted, they will start pushing the limits of what they can get away with. The person that's more in love will give way because they're scared if they don't it will cause conflict and they will lose the one they love. Little do they know that simply by giving way, and doing everything the other person wants, they're already on the path to losing them. Even if they don't lose the guy, they're going to be on the path to a terribly unhappy relationship.

Plus, maids and mums are boring. Guys want to date someone that's fun and exciting, just like girls want to date guys that are fun and exciting. People that are going to be an adventure to be with rather than boring, are generally more attractive to the opposite sex.

Not being easy is not an excuse to be a bitch either, to act detached, alof or abrasive. I know there's a lot of selfish bitches out there that wonder why they're alone. Well...........because you're a selfish bitch! What the vast majority of men want is a woman that's indepedent, and not a push over, but at the same time still caring and supportive. Remember, it's not about playing hard to get. It's about balance! This is what seperates the girls that men will date for years and then break up with, and the ones they want to marry.

Also, if you're still wondering why you don't have a man, it's because you need to get out there in the first place. You can't meet men staying at home, so join clubs, go to more social events and even go speed dating. Just meet more guys, and be willing to flirt. Get a bigger pool to pick from, just be more selective and don't be easy once you get into the whole courtship process with a guy.

Confused? No one said it was going to be easy. If you've got questions you can't contact me on facebook, or read the book when it comes out.

Sep/ Chapter 3: Psycho?

Below is a post a woman actually made in a personal ad. It was forwarded to me by a friend who said it's a real ad. I'm not so sure, but considering this is Hong Kong, I'm not surprised if it is real. My advice is not to post an ad like this, or to expect any man will ever want a woman like this.

AD:

I am hoping to have a handsome, very nice and normal CAUCASIAN gentleman who can be my husband. I have seen some European men can get married with HK women after they met a couple weeks right away so I take this chance for myself. Honestly I do not expect that we have to be a perfect match to fall in love. I wish I can meet you in the right time for a serious long term relationship and develop a family right away together. If you can't meet my expectations and demanding, please simply do not reply. I know that a handsome, good and very nice Caucasian gentleman can make decision quickly. I hope you are with the VERY BEST INTENTIONS AND EXCELLENT PROPOSAL for me !! In case, you are a honorable person you should provide this road map to me with clear milestones. In case, you don't have firm intentions to be with me, please leave me out of any games and stay away. I may not hit the right tone sometimes but I believe I express my wish and goals in a very clear manner. I believe action speaks louder than words. I promise you this is a real posting, not a spam or fake so please be ready if you are a real gentleman for this sweetheart. I would like to show you how men cheated here on this site. I hope you are all about envisioning what I want for my life which will help manifest my dreams. You let my desires be known! Sorry, I do not have so much time for all BS.

PLEASE tell me something about yourself and send your RECENT PHOTOS, CONTACT DETAILS and TELEPHONE NO. If you do not give your information then I will just pass 'Delete'. You are ready getting into the airplane; coming to meet me in Hong Kong IMMEDIATELY. I won't be afraid to take a few risks but I would not travel all the way to USA or Europe or anywhere so you'd better come and meet me in Hong Kong first, however I would consider to travel and move once I clarified your identity.

YOU

1. If you come here only for your business trip or just for fun, not for keeps then please go for NEXT. I am NOT interested to be your temporary companion or FREE tour guide.

2. You are ready to devote your life to establishing and building a strong and serious long term relationship leading to marriage and to have our own beautiful babies together soon. You want to have our own 1-2 kids in the future who can learn and play with my ideal future husband.

3. You are personal financially very stable and secured - RICH. You can give me everything what I need and want with actions because of LOVE. You should / can afford the whole family. You can give and share your wealth with real proofs and actions. I know some nice caucasian gentlemen can do it for their women.

4. You are healthy and fit, not a drinker/smoker, no cigar and drug, thanks ! You are not into the bars very much !! You like to eat everything if the food is good. Yes, I can cook yummy western and eastern food but not every day. I am scared of too oily food. I like dining out as well.

5. You're willing to travel to Hong Kong and meet me in person and my parents. YES, we can travel or move to anywhere of the world !!

6. You appreciate "staying home woman" who can add values being with you but I am not your maid and you are not looking for a career woman.

7. I want to show you what it means to have a loyal partner (not a fooling pig) who will completely commit myself to ONE VERY NICE GENTLEMAN.

8. You are not a big sport fans. I mean you do not watch sports channels all the time and play sports all the time during all weekends !!

9. You are in the age around late 30s- 40s years old; good and clean shape, WHITE, HANDSOME. YOU MUST BE VERY SINGLE.

10. Easy to talk to but SERIOUS, ROMANCE, CARING, RESPONSIBLE FOR ME, ONE WOMAN MAN. I do not want to have HIV.

11. You have to accept everything good and bad of me.

12. You are not in any religions because I am not.

13. You do not carry your ex. baggage and you do not talk to other women. You have never married with no kids. If you are divorced then I would consider it if you are for real but please do not give me your ex. baggage and lies !!!!

14. You don't let any gossips or comments and then you let go your ambition and confident. You'll always protect and love me.

This is SHE.

1. Hong Kong Born, Middle 30s, realistic, direct, straight, slim-slender with long brown hair and eyes, quite pretty and look younger as some people said !

2. I am wanting to marry with A Handsome, Very Nice, Normal Caucasian Gentleman for a serious long term relationship leading to marriage who is SIMPLE, HONEST, SINCERE, PASSIONATE and UPFRONT WITH ME seriously.

3. Liked dress very casual to classy dress up.

4. I am not into bar sense pretty much. I do not like to pick any guys or being picked at the bars. I usually hang out with my friends once in a while.

5. I do not smoke and drink socially (just a couple of beer or wine), no drug, thanks !

6. I am in an INTERNATIONAL city (HONG KONG).

7. I prefer MONOGAMOUS relationship - NOT COMPLICATED.

8. I have never married with no kids.

9. I am willing to relocate to be with you and you must have to arrange all things for me.

10. I could not be with any men who's very selfish and cared about himself more than me !

11. I do not think highly of myself. I don't have to tell you what is my education because I am not applying a job here. It makes a lot of senses. A job should not be related to a personal relationship. Some people like this way to have their relationships but at the end, the relationships did not work out after a certain years what I have known. I do not mess up my relationships.

12. I am not a superstar.

PLEASE DO IT, PLEASE DO NOT JUST SAY IT. IT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE !!! Again, please read my posting clearly before you decided to response ! Please do not bother me if you cannot meet my expectations and demanding. I am not interested in any playboys, fakers and old men who plays games all time !!

Sep/ Chapter 2: Dating Amnesia

Sorry I haven’t updated the blog in a while. I’ve been partying pretty hard, and also been busy doing research for a book I will be writing in the near future.

One of the things that intrigues me about this blog is the reaction I’ve gotten from girls when I tell them about it. When I introduce this blog to girls that are single, and especially those that have been hurt badly by guys or have problems getting the right man, they will vigorously read it, and try to learn as much about men as possible.

The girls also seem very opinionated about the whole topic. That’s because when a girl’s single most of the men aren’t even datable to her, and of the men that do seem to be datable, there’s a high probability that man will end up hurting her feelings. So she wants to learn strategies that will help her get the right man and avoid the players.

That seems to all change when girls get into a relationship. When I introduce a girl that’s in a relationship to this blog, that girl will usually be indifferent to the existence of the blog. They don’t feel like they need to learn about men, or the truth behind how men think, because they naturally assume their man is not a player or stringer. Even if they realize their man is not going to commit, they hope they can change the man.

It’s like girls that are dating all of a sudden forget what it’s like to be single. They get dating amnesia, which means they forget the circumstances of the pervious breakups. All of a sudden they don’t think the laws of dating, and the nature of men applies to the man they're with anymore.

Strangely I've seen this type of behavior before when I used to visit online forums. You see it exhibited by people that feel strongly about something. You tend to see it the most when it comes to strong religious or political opinions. If someone wants to believe in something bad enough, then whenever a new piece of data comes along that contradicts their belief, the person will tend to shut out the new piece of data or assume it's wrong, even if it's logical and disproves their belief.

Some girls start to believe early on in a relationship their man's going to be different from all the other men before, and don't want information which might prove otherwise. But really, the man should earn this trust.

The truth is, every single boyfriend include the current one the girl is dating has only one thing in common. The guy’s capable of hurting the girl, whether the guy is actually the one is usually down to luck, or better picking on the girl's part (Hence this blog). So even if a girl is happy, she should still take the time to understand men. Getting an insurance policy doesn’t mean wanting trouble to happen, it’s just about being prepared in case you have a case of bad luck.

Hopefully, everyone ends up with the jackpot guy. Men that will be all over their girlfriend and wives, and the relationship is perfect. But until you get a rock the size of a pea, it’s always a good idea to keep reading and learning.

Sep/ Chapter 1: Individuality, good or bad?

The other day I started wondering if we’re better off or worse since society dramatically liberalized in the 1960’s, and people followed the rigid rules of society a lot less. These days there is greater emphasis on individualism and doing what we feel like doing.

In the past there were certain standards for behavior which fewer people follow now. But those standards wheren't necessarily creating the best results. Fewer people had sex before marriage back then so it was common for people to end up with someone they were not sexually compatible with. Also, people felt obligated to marry for the sake of marrying, marrying someone to please their parents and also sticking with unhappy marriages rather than divorce.

More liberal thinking allowed people to avoid messy marriages. People could now date many people before marriage, have a lot more fun in the process and also figure out what they wanted out of a partner. People now know what they want, and would rather stay single than get into an unhappy marriage.

But have we now swung over to the other extreme? Are people worse off than about 20 years ago? More than one people has complained that the dating scene has gotten a lot worse, and both guys and girls are a lot more selfish, and manipulative. Gone are the days when people seemed to respect each other, now people will do whatever is best for themselves, without worrying whether it was going to hurt the person they’ve been with.

The reason it’s gotten really bad is simply because we now follow our instincts more and more, and do what we feel like doing. But as I’ve discussed many times on this blog previously, our instincts are probably harmful to us. At least in a modern society with morals, doing exactly what we want is going to create a slippery slope downwards.

People these days don’t want to be told what to do, they don’t want to feel any sort of guilt or be judged in any way. They just want to do what feels best, and that to an extent is sad. Sad because although we’ve progressed as a society, in terms of the dating scene we’re more animal like than we were 50 years ago. More promiscuous as a society, less faithful, and have no concern on the affect our actions have on others.

I was having drinks with a friend the other night, and she told me out of 10 married expat couples she knew that got married in Hong Kong, in all cases the men had asked prior to proposing to be given a few months to split up and enjoy their single life. Which means basically go crazy and fuck around prior to getting married.

I explained to her that’s just guys getting scared they will lose their freedom forever, and following their instinctive needs to go sleep with multiple women. We are after all just smart animals, and still have our instincts that have taken millions of years to evolve. Even girls are the same except they have different needs from men. But then she came up with a good counter arguement:

“Isn’t it sad that in this day and age, we can’t even trust the one we want to spend the rest of our lives with? That the institution of marriage is no longer sacred, and women are just marrying ‘smart animals?’ “

Yeah, how very sad indeed………Maybe our society has gone to the other wrong extreme and people should control themselves a little more.