Friday, March 27, 2009

Mar/ Chapter 3: He's just not that into you

I was having a chat with a female friend the other day about a couple of interesting topics. Firstly why it seems that women have such a hard to dumping a jerk they've become emotionally attached to.

You may have heard of the book and movie "he's just not that into you". It's so hard for women to see the truth and tear themselves away from jerks sometimes that they had to write a book to point out the obvious. In fact, no need for me to explain any of this, if you're a woman then you'll know better than me how difficult it's to pull yourself away from a jerk that you like.

However, what's even more interesting or strange is that many women I've spoken to don't have nearly the same difficulty emotionally when breaking up with a boyfriend they find boring or if they're lost respect for the guy.

In other words if you're a guy you're more likely to be dumped for being a loser than for being a jerk to women.

Ok, so this doesn't seem to make sense, but if you've read some of the older posts on this blog you would understand that much of what we do in relationships isn't driven by logic and conscious thoughts, but by our instincts that we inherited and evolved from cavemen days.

In cavemen days, survival was the key. So women would pick the fittest males, the weaker ones would be more likely to die from getting eaten by predators, or from inter tribal warfare. Nice isn't part of the equation, survival was. So if her man treated her badly and she immediately left the man, then there was serious risks to the survival of her and her children.

Therefore the body (or a woman's genes) have a built in mechanism that avoids this. It makes women more emotionally attached to men they think are stronger, even if those men are jerks.

Men that don't show much value however are easier to dump, even if they treat a woman better because they aren't seen as possessing as much value.

The emotions that make leaving a jerk so hard is just part of a woman's natural instinct to get the best genes from a man, and also to ensure her survival. In the modern world however, it means that women are often emotionally attached to jerks who they logically don't want to be with, and require a book and a movie to point out an otherwise relatively obvious point.


Anonymous said...


Seriously, are there any good man still out there? Or should I be single or switch to girls instead? I never had any good love experiences with man..

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Yeah there are good men out there. Just a limited supply of men that are also outgoing and fun to be with.

That's why I ran that poll towards the left of this blog. See if there was no other choice then what women will pick.

An outgoing and interesting guy that's also gonna be a good man, is the equivalent of a hot girl that's got a decent personality.

There's always going to be a limited number of either in each sex.

Actually, we've trying to hook up this guy we know with a nice girl. If you've got facebook, send me a message.

Jo Chow said...

What I hate about this theory is that it takes the piss on all the ladies. The truth is, we weren't that into you guys either in the first place. The problem is we have needs too - so we just want to keep men around for some lovin and the attention, even if they treated us like crap at times.

After all, our society marginalizes singlehood - it's better to be with someone than no one. This pressure to be paired-off comes from all levels, and especialy intensifies with age.

Also, it's not so much that there's limited supply of decent and attractive people than it is that ppl today have ridiculous standards of "true love." Real love is WORK. NO ONE is perfect. The difference is you still love and accept them even when you see ALL their flaws. It's too bad no one has time for that these days.

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Hey Jo,

Interesting because a couple of your key points are in the intro of the book I'm writing.

I think one of the points you make is interesting though, about "we have needs too".

Most people, men and women, are driven by their genes far more than they realize. I just used examples of when it's not healthy to illustrate this point more clearly.

Most people think what we do is all down to conscious thought and reason, and we're generally driven by social pressures. But the more I do research the more I realize that many of us are slaves to our own nature till we learn to control them.

Take for example a guy that cheats even though happily married. Why would he do that? Sure he's a dick, but that's not the cause, the lust exists for a reason. it's not something driven by society but something he was born with, it was innate.

As for no one is perfect and relationships need work, I agree with you absolutely. But many people confuse that thinking with putting up with someone that's abusive.

There are some principles that are double edged swords, because some people get confused, they include:

Relationships need work/ put up with an absuive person

Men that play around a lot will settle down one day/ they get married but can't control themselves and cheat.

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