Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Why you find normal guys boring and fall for jerks

For the longest time I couldn't get it, and finally by researching for my book I find the reason why.

Some of you have told me your sob stories, how your ex was a jerk and logically you knew it, but for some reason you keep gravitating to the same type of guy.

To make matters worse some of you find normal guys boring, and keep dating jerks over and over again.

The reason is this:

Did your parents divorce when you were very young?

Did your father not give you much attention when you were a child?

Do you often find yourself feeling lonely?

Do you feel the need to get married badly?

By the way, my parents divorced when I was 3 and I haven't seen my real dad since so I'm not talking out of my ass and judging anyone here.

When it comes to women, if a woman was not given the right amount of attention as a kid from her father then she risks developing wrong perceptions towards relationships later in life. The reason is because a child that gets the right amount of attention from her parents do not seek that attention later on in life.

If a girl doesn't get the right type of attention from her father as a child then she will constantly be drawn to drama and seek out emotional validation in adult relationships.

The problem is she feels she has to seek that approval, if the approval is given to her naturally which a nice guy does then she will feel bored. It's the same as a child not respecting his/her parents if doted on all the time, whilst seeking them out if they don't get the required attention.

A jerk attracts such women because the jerk is constantly creating drama, treating the girl like crap, not showing he cares, or threatens to walk out of the relationship. So the girl will chase the guy to seek emotional validtion and in the process become dependent on the guy even though he's clearly treating her badly.

In other words the attachment and commitment a woman gives a man during marriage and a stable relationship works the other way around in an unhealthy relationship. It makes her attached to a jerk that's clearly treating her badly, and then she can't break away emotionally even if her head tells her otherwise.

Broken families is only one thing that leads to insecurities. Wanting to get married badly, always feeling lonely, etc, can all lead to bad relationship choices.

How to solve this issue? You play it safe with every guy you meet, and you do it by getting the order right:

Get to know him

Find reasons to trust him

Rely on him

Commit to him

Have sex

Many women these days have sex with a guy first before getting to know a guy, and then because she becomes hormonally and emotionally attached to the guy, she starts to trust the guy and rely on the guy when he doesn't even deserve it.

When you get to know someone first in the same way as a friend then you can see what their real personality is like. Your perception is not based on the sweet talk or the charm, which are elevated fake personalities to get a woman hooked in the first place.

When you accurately assess a guy, spot and DON'T OVERLOOK problematic behaviors, you then trust him, not the other way around because you are attracted to the guy and want to be with him.

When trust is built you can then safely rely on the guy. If you get the order wrong and you commit to him first, rely on the guy first, then he could be treating you like crap and you're just one of a dozen girls he's playing and you'll still pine after him.

Here's the really hard part. Have sex last. Why is it hard? Well you risk losing the guy and for that guy to walk out on you. Many women these days don't want to take that risk, or they feel attracted and went for it. But the thing is if a guy isn't even willing to stay with a girl for at least a month or two before she's observed him closely and walks off for the lack of sex, then you've got nothing to lose, since it was sex he was after in the first place.

Jerk thrive in the modern dating environment because many women no longer do this and have sex too early with a guy. What? You don't believe that a guy will hang around for an extended period of time before having sex? Well I'm pretty sure all the healthy relationships I've seen my friends in didn't start off with early sex.

It is a modern myth that guys will not chase a girl for a month or two without the reward of sex, and walks out because of the lack of sex. It's only the jerks that can't wait that long, and hence if you've always dated jerks then the best way to filter them out is have a guy chase you for a month without having sex with the guy. Take that month or two to really get to know the guy well.

Tough huh? Well, that's one of the reasons you might have a jerk for a boyfriend. The even tougher part is even if you are attracted in the first month or two, but you spot problematic behaviors, you have to have the guts to walk away from a guy you are otherwise attracted to.

Also, don't assume if a guy's nice or interesting, or fun, or has many friends he's going to be a good partner. Public persona and what a person's like privately in a relationship are two totally different things. After all most players I know have a lot of friends and are fun to be with.

You have to be willing to ditch a person you feel attraction and chemistry towards if you want to find a nice guy. Most jerks are attractive at the start then change to their real personality later. To spot the real deal you have to have time on your side.

When you have time on your side you have more strength to push for what you want. You either push for change or walk out on the guy. Leave that till later and you're emotionally attached and'll be playing this song....


Anonymous said...

Carlton, this is one of the more insightful articles. I also think that girls go for jerks because they are "successful" in life, which makes them cocky and jerks. What I mean is that women want someone they can admire and that others admire. Unfortunately, these guys are so used to being admired and being "successful" (I don't mean necessarily financially or whatever, it could be he's a football jock or successful in his career, etc.) that they get cocky and self-assured. They think they can find an even better woman and so are always on the lookout. That is why they are jerks. They think the woman will not leave them and so they can string her along till something else comes along. And usually the woman DOESN'T leave him. So he is right.
Your last post asked if we would prefer "confidence" or "niceness"- women like confidence and too often that also mean cockiness- which results in being a Jerk.

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Yeah, pretty much. In fact in my older posts I've posted about how women gravitate towards successful men.

But I wanted to the explain the irrational part too, because I have female friends that can't explain why they always gravitate to jerks and find normal guys boring.

Well, it takes conscious control to get rid of that type of attraction. Getting hooked on jerks is like getting hooked on cocaine.

rspiper said...

Hi Carlton,

I just found this blog and although it has not been updated for some time, I hope you can still read the comments! This is one of the best blogs I have read about relationships in Hong Kong and I think this is much better than those Chinese forums filled with negative emotions toward the other gender.

Can you provide some advice as to how to overcome negative childhood experiences and boost confidence? I'm a local guy educated in local school. As a relatively quiet guy, I've never had success with women during my teenage years. I believe the problem is with my education that seriously damaged my self-esteem and never allowed me to grow into a confident and independent man. As far as I can notice, I'm not the only one suffering from this that many of my classmate and friends also fail to attract women or only manage to keep a LTR until getting ditched by the girl. None of my classmates and friends are good with women. I'm guessing that peer influence has made me who I am as well.

Thank you and I wish you a merry xmas!

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