Saturday, October 17, 2009

How to never date a jerk ever again

Ok so in the last post I tried to explain some of the reasons that lead to women falling for jerks. Here now are some of the solutions and things a woman needs to realize about herself if she wants to avoid dating jerks again.

1) Idealization. Idealization is the process in which a person once attracted starts looking through rose tinted glasses WAY TOO EARLY. I mean it's normal for people to become emotionally attached and to overall look problems in a partner later on. But when a woman gives a guy too much credit early on then she will miss glaring warning signals about the guy.

This usually happens because the woman is attracted to the guy, and doesn't want to acknowledge any information that might lead to disappointment. So basically by filtering out the warning signs that the guy might be a jerk, she creates the perception that the guy is Prince Charming in her own mind.

Stop watching chick flicks. Flawed men don't change like they do in the movies. They might fall in love and change for a short period of time, but because their personalities are naturally selfish they will also revert back to their selfish ways later. So observe carefully for warning signs, and don't over idealize.

A list of warning signs are in my book, so I don't want to repeat here.

2) Accelerated courtship. Again chick flicks and the love at first sight belief causes this problem and gets a lot of women in trouble.

The courtship process if anything should be slowed down, and used by a person (men or women) to critically assess if the other person is a going to be a good partner or not. Most people take things way too quickly these days. Many people these days have sex after 2 weeks and 3 dates, which means they often get emotionally attached before they've even gotten to know someone else properly.

By the time they've gotten to know the other person properly, ie find out the other person is a jerk, they're already emotionally attached because of this accelerated courtship and then they find it very hard to pull away, and chose to overlook a lot of problems in the relationship.

Basically rushing it at the start could mean you end up wasting years on a guy you otherwise wouldn't even have gone out with because if you hadn't rushed it you would have seen problems in the guy.

3) Confusing chemistry with knowing someone. I've heard many women go on about chemistry now, and I can tell you contrary to popular belief that chemistry is a terrible predictor of whether a man if going to be a good partner going forward. If chemistry was accurate then women would not feel chemistry for jerks, but many women have indeed felt chemistry for a guy that then turned out to be a nightmare boyfriend.

The reason this happens is because a lot of women are placing trust and chemistry on the wrong type of information from a guy, the most common mistakes are as follows:

a) The guy shares a lot with a woman about his personal feelings, so she feels like he's really opened up. Well guess what any human being including a jerk can open up about feelings. That doesn't mean the person isn't selfish.

To get past this, you still have to observe how the person really is, whether they are selfish, how they treated their ex girlfriends, how good is their relationship with their parents, etc. A naturally selfish person will talk badly about ex girlfriends, and usually talk badly about their parents.

b) A lot of couples spend a lot of time together doing stuff that are fun. They have so much fun together the woman places chemistry on their shared experience together. But again she doesn't actually know anything about the guy.

4) Repetition compulsion. This is probably the weirdest and most interesting phenonmenon, and I touched upon it slightly in the last post. If a woman had a bad father she is at risk of picking a man like her father when she grows up. Which is why women with abusive fathers often pick men that turn out to be abusive themselves, or if their fathers treated their mothers badly, cheated etc, divorced and gone, they are likely to be drawn to jerks.

The same happens if a woman gets hurt badly by a jerk and doesn't get over the pain of it. Then she will repeatedly be drawn to jerks and find even confident nice guys boring, or feel a lack of attraction.

The reason why this happens is this. The woman is naturally drawn to men like her father or like the ex that hurt her because she never truly got closure. Subconsciously without even realizing it, and even if she consciously tells herself she doesn't want to date jerks ever again, or men like her father, she's being drawn to these men in order to find closure. She wants to have a relationship with one of these men and actually make things work, which is a problem because a man with an unhealthy attitude to relationships can't be changed. So the girl gets hurt again and again, and her wounds get deeper, and she ends up seeking these men even more to get closure.

Remember all this is in the subconscious, the girl isn't even aware she's doing this and consciously she might even hate jerks. To the girl it just seems she has bad luck, or she'll start thinking all men are scum. But bring a nice guy alone and the girl will actually lose interest because she's used to chasing jerks and trying to change the jerk to get this closure.

To get over this problem the girl has to:

a) be aware of this weird subconscious act.

b) deal with the thing that was originally driving this behavior which is the pain caused by her father or the first boyfriend that hurt her badly, and let go of this pain. She has to truly grieve and acknowledge that her father or her ex did her wrong, and truly let out the pain and anger, and to have someone else listen to this pain and truly understand her.

That's basically what therapy does, and why people open up to tell a therapist their childhood problems. Until they're truly understood they will repeatedly perform the same irrational behaviors that hurt themselves.

When it comes to relationships, a woman needs to understand repetition compulsion and let go of the past if she's to stop being attracted to jerks.

Hope that helps you ladies out there.


Anonymous said...

Really love your blog, so much wisdom.

I have a question about guys who hit on married women... What is the appeal? Also, do men really have sex with women they don't even feel attracted to/ like?

I am a married woman and recently have gotten hit on quite a bit. And I am surprised at how men don't even feel hindered by the ring. In one instance, the man hit on me and I told him that although I find him attractive... I am married. The next time we talked, he proceeded to tell me he was also married... Could he be making up the fact that he too is married to make me feel like 'we're in the same boat'? The odd thing was, after he stated he was also married, it disarmed me and tempted me to think... 'Hm, maybe he's not just a player.' In hindsight, totally a player right?

Carlton Bradshaw said...

The answers to your questions:

1) What is the appeal of a married woman?

A: The same as a single woman. She will have sex with a man under the right circumstances, lol. The only downside is if the man gets caught flirting with someone's wife he might get in trouble. But which woman will go tell on him with her husband?

2) Do men really have sex with women they don't even feel attracted to/ like?

A: Men and women differ the most in that if a woman is not interested in a man she generally won't have sex with him. Even if it's casual and she expects nothing more she's not going to pursue the guy.

Men however, if they are not interested in a woman's personality, but still find her physically attractive will pursue her still for sex.

There's still the physical attraction, but they consider the woman as a sex partner only. Even if they give the impression they want something more to lower the woman's guard.

That's why when women hope to change a player's mind it's pointless. If she's been classified as a sex partner, she's not moving out of that category into wife.....ever.

The degree of manipulation depends on the man though. Good men don't play women in this way.

3) Is he a player?

A: Err yeah, he's hitting on you whilst married! Letting a woman know he's already married has a strange effect on women.

Sometimes it disarms the woman like you've mentioned because it shows the man has been pre-selected by another woman already. Thus high in value even though he's trying to cheat, lol.

It's an evolutionary thing.

Second of all, it plays into the social aspect. Oh.....he's married, so he can't really be playing, can he?

Married is just a legally binding social construct, it doesn't stop men or women from having sex with others if they want.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your thoughts!

One thing that you wrote surprised me;
"If she's been classified as a sex partner, she's not moving out of that category into wife.....ever. "

Really? Is this because men want their pick of wife to be one they've had to work hard to get? Or because a woman who's been classified as a sex partner is only seen as a sex object? Is there really no chance for her (casual sex girl) to be taken seriously, marriage worthy? I know some girlfriends who slept with their boyfriend quite early on in the dating relationship (after just a few dates) and they are still exclusive with the guy even though they 'put out' early on... a rare case?

Carlton Bradshaw said...

No, it's not to do with putting out too early.

If a girl has a great personality having sex with a guy early might not affect her chances.

What I'm talking about is say you or any girl goes on a date with a guy, and the guy is boring. Well if a guy is boring and the girl isn't interested then the girl will walk away. Rarely will girls have sex with a guy she finds boring in the initial stages of courtship.

However if a guy, especially if he's a player finds a girl boring but he's still physically attracted, he'll think "I'll have sex with her, but I won't commit".

It's basically what girls do if they're bored, but the guy will have sex anyway.

If a guy finds a girl boring, then it's not like she's going to remove herself from that category.......

Anonymous said...

Interesting read! :) I find a lot of it very true but yet sometimes it is hard to stick with what's right to do vs. how you feel.

There is this date that I am interested and had been trying to figure him out and it is driving me bananas.

I have been dating quite a lot of different guys but this one is just different. There was definitely an instant spark/chemistry (i know shouldn't based it on chemistry) but see, I don't get it with other dates even though I have good conversations with them and they are hot.

If my intuition is right, the chemistry was mutual (at least on our first date) Our dinner went from 7 - 12am just over food and wine - great conversations and eye contact. All my other dinner dates have never gone past 10. He asked me out the next day to dinner/observatory/bar again so that's a good sign right? All my other dates would wait at least a week.

(note, we both just got out of a long 5+ years relationship, his reason for break up is that his gf is not ready to settle, he is 30 and all his frds are getting married, he was the one who gave more in the relationship and felt tired of it).

Then after our second date, he texted me the next day to see how I am, and I didnt hear from him for 4 days.. (i was being a girl and was wondering what was going on!) But he did call after 4 days and ask if I have been busy because he hadnt heard from me...

well from my point of view, girl should not contact the guy during early stage or he'll lose interest! But anyway, we went on a 3rd date to dinner after 1 week or so, then he asked me out to the movies, but I wasn't available that weekend but I told him we could go the week after. He did continue to text and even call (he doesnt usually call...) during that week and even texted me how my busy weekend was, joked about how I can't go to the movie with him.

I actually do like him and thought he'd ask about going to the movie the week after, but.. I haven't heard from him. Why did he just stop all of a sudden?

I texted him to see how he was doing, he replied 2 days later with "omg, I thought I texted you back but it didnt go through, how are you?" We texted for a little bit and ended with goodnights"

Was hoping he'd ask me out this week b/c its going to be 3 weeks since we last saw each other..

I am just confused, I definitely don't want to go fast and would like to take it slow since I just got out of a relationship too but i'd at least like to know if he is interested or he is just another gamer. (He is very family oriented though and didn't seem like that).

But if he is interested.. wouldn't he make time for me? Or am I thinking too much? Is 3 weeks a long time for early stage?

Sometimes I want to intiate conversations but then again I dont know if I should do much, might be better to wait and see...

The waiting game is NOT fun!

Carlton Bradshaw said...

Well, you did joke that you can't go to the movies with him, and then his text didn't go through so you didn't reply to him.

Then he may have thought you were busy or wasn't interested.

I don't see any problems with the guy. From what you say seems like he's taking it nice and slow, and not game playing.

But then again I'm not exactly there to watch.

But go for it, can't spot problems now. Let me know how it goes.

Btw, the not calling theory is to spark interest. But it doesn't mean you never call, especially later on. Just don't call excessively. Communicating once a day is fine as long as he's making the last communication.

Anonymous said...

Hi Carlton

I love your blog. I am in my late 30s Asian woman living in NYC. Long story to why a single attractive woman like me is still w/o a guy. I've recently broken up with an HK guy here. I would like to write to you and for you to analyse our situation as I feel you know a lot about guys esp Chinese guys. Pls could you let me know where I can write to and if you have the time to answer me? I would be very interested in your input.

Thanks! Sally

Anonymous said...

Oh by the way Carlton, I can be reached at

from Sally in NYC

Lovestruck said...

Thanks for your advise, Im about to get back on the dating game this weekend with a speed dating event. I have quite a long break of around 2-3 years and Im worried the dating game has changed a lot since I was last going to dating events.

Hopefully it all goes well, wish me luck.

Website counter