Saturday, January 2, 2010

This decade I will turn 40..........WTF.........ah!!!!

As I was waiting for the arrival of 2010 just a couple of days ago a rather scary thought popped into my mind. At some point near the end of this decade I will turn 40. Not only that, if this decade passes as fast as the last decade then it's going to happen in a blink of an eye.

I can't escape it............I AM GETTING OLD.

Not so old that I'm going to end up in a wheelchair with a nurse to wipe my bum. I can look forward to that in a few more decades. But I'm getting old enough to grow manboobs, get a fat ass, grow a beer gut and turn into an Asian Jabba the hut. (who am I kidding, that already happened last decade)

Now don't laugh at me, because if I'm friends with you then you're in the same boat, and this note is to make sure this year you actually do something productive with your life, because if you don't then death and decay will surely follow.

If you're a man then this is the decade where you realize you can't play sports the way you used to. You're going to envy the young lads that still have it, and the only sports you'll be doing if you're not careful is flipping through the pay per view channels on a Sunday afternoon.

If you're a woman you're not in a good position either. Don't hate me for pointing out reality. But you're probably going to start growing a beard this decade.

So let's just all age the best way we can by following the resolutions below.

1) Get ripped
Last decade was the decade of decadence and debauchery. It was the decade of beer and big macs. No fucking way am I doing the same this decade. This decade we're getting ripped. This is the decade where we stop pointing out that we need to finish our food because there are starving kids in Africa. This is the decade where we stop paying for gym memberships that we never use. This is the decade where we tell ourselves, "No pain, no gain!"

If you don't:
Get into a regular exercise routine or you will probably die from heart diease. Or worse, you start to grow a fat ass that starts to sag, and when you go to the beach young kids will point at you and laugh.

2) Eat healthy
Eating healthy goes hand in hand with getting fit. The only thing I have issue with is that eating healthy costs a lot more and actually takes effort to go shop in the right places. But if you refer to point 3, then the highers costs won't be a problem this decade.

One upside to eating healthy is that a lot of the dishes requires that you cook yourself. That's good whether you're a woman or a man. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and chicks dig men that can cook. So thumbs up all around if you're a good cook.

If you don't:
You'll probably develop high blood pressure, and die from a heart attack whilst having sex. Although that might be a good way to go.

3) Get filthy rich
If you're a man, then building your personal empire is your prerogative this decade. How rich you are will determine whether you are a winner or loser in society. So short of beating up a old Granny and stealing her purse then anything goes.

That means you should become a lawyer, banker, life insurance salesman, develop some pyramid scheme or some ponzy scheme and rip off your own friends.

If you're a woman then marry a rich man (like Tiger Woods) and document his infidelity. Then take half his shit.

If you don't:
If you're single and a man, this is the decade where you either get rich and meet a fine woman, or you might as well download porn for the rest of your life. Let's face it, you might have been handsome and poor before, but once you're an old fart and poor, women won't even bother to talk to you.

If you're a woman...........Men are cheating scumbags anyway. So you might as well rip them off. Just remember to do it AFTER you marry them, the number of gold diggers that think it's smart to do it before getting married makes me sick.

4) Learn how to be beautiful
This doesn't apply to most of the women I know because most of them are stunningly beautiful anyway. This just applies to the men.

Fly over to Korea and get some really cheap skincare products. Then get your ass down to Bangkok and find some ladyboy that teaches you how to make yourself look even more beautiful than 90% of the women out there.

Even better, if you're old and ugly you can just stay in Thailand and spend the rest of your life hugging a ladyboy who will love you only because your money goes a long way in Thailand.
If you don't:

You're going to end up like Mickey Rourke. Once a handsome stud, now they find him everytime they need someone for the role of a freak.

5) Learn something fun, and interesting every year.

None of us are going to live forever so we might as well fit as much as possible into our lives, and do some fun and exciting stuff. This year we're going to learn how to scuba dive. Next year we will go skydiving and shoot some videos of cool moves we do in the air, etc.

If you don't:
Nothing bad will happen. But instead of turning into an old fart, you'll be a boring old fart.

6) Get married
If you're a woman and you want to get married, that's normal, it's practically programmed into your genes. However, I will just add, if you really want to get married then you better use logic and strategy to get a man to settle down, rather than get swept away in feelings and getting played. This is real life, and not a chick flick, so be goal orientated.

I'm a man, I am ready to get married now. If you're a woman send me your contact details, or introduce your single friends to me. I'm serious, THIS IS NOT A JOKE!

If you don't:
Fear of commitment.......this applies to men a lot more than women. If you think it's cool to be single, think again. The freedom you have now will soon turn into a curse. All your close friends will be married, and when you walk into a bar the kids will laugh at you. After 40 if you've never been married women will think you're a weirdo that can't connect with women in a lasting relationship, or you just like to play with little boys, and they're probably right.

Above all else, you're going to get old. That means you want to have a woman around so she takes care of your old sorry ass.

7) Procreate
When I was younger I used to think I would have 2 kids, a boy and a girl. Or maybe 3 kids, 2 boys, 1 girl. Why 2 boys? I want them to learn how to kick the shit out of each other so they know how to protect themselves, and learn the essence and important of competition rather than turn into a spoilt brats.

These days I look at my friends who have kids and I realize it's not an easy task. When you have a baby, you've basically given life to a mini asshole, a selfish prick that cries when you don't feed it, shits all over the place, and doesn't even allow you to sleep at night.

To make matters worse, the little fucker will leech off you for the next 21 years, and will probably hate your guts for teaching him/her the smart way to live life.

If you don't:
Having a kid is a pain in the ass. But as with point 6, the loss of freedom isn't really a loss, the reward comes back years later when you have a loving family around you. This is especially true when you've got shit dribbling down your leg, then you can get the lazy asshole that's now grown up to clean you up instead.

So my words of wisdom for this holiday season. Good luck getting old this decade!


Anonymous said...

All roads lead to Rome. 堅持自己所選! .........................................

ckmc2 said...

Hey Carlie Bradshaw - stumbled onto your hugely amusing blog for the first time tonight (keep it up!) and found this urge to ask you a question which is probably highly unoriginal. But I'm curious, and it's this: How many women have responded to your request for them to send you their contact details?!?

Carlton Bradshaw said...

oh well not that many from this actual blog. I've got a group on facebook linked to this blog, and now I just post notes on my facebook.

The reason I started this blog was because I used to be in the banking industry and it wasn't a good idea for people to know who I was and what I was writing since I could lose my job.

Now I am a stockbroker and bring business for my firm and so I don't have to worry.

Lots of girls have added me on facebook based on my notes there. You can add me Willie Booker.

Anonymous said...

Hi there, am a western woman (don´t worry, no contact details enclosed) reading your blog out of sheer interest and the couriosity for human behavior in our fair city. Thanks so much for providing your information, so I don´t have to waste hours in LKF trying to figure out why the guys to do this or that. So if I go out I´m just prepared for the game out there.Thank you very much, honestly!Keeps me from burning my beautiful backside...

Carlton Bradshaw said...

You're welcome. You can always add me on facebook. I don't post here anymore, just write notes on my facebook.

PHU KLON said...

Oh !! Enjoy no subtitles.
Visit my blog I do.

Website counter