If any of you have specific questions about men or how men approach relationships, please ask here. Don't limit it to specifically Hong Kong. It should be a general question.
Please note if the question is good, I'll probably stick it in my book. Cheers
This blog is all about relationships, sex, and what makes boths sexes tick and why. I've used independent research, interviewed people, and written about personal experiences. If you've always wondered why you can't find the right guy or girl, or want to make the relationship you're in work better, then hopefully somewhere in this blog you'll find some answers. Based in Hong Kong but applicable to people living in any large city in the developed world.
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52 comments:
Should someone take back a cheating partner
Depends on your situation. It's more complicated with kids. But otherwise, why put up with it if you can find someone else?
As someone that has cheated I can tell you that cheating doesn't happen by accident, not even if a person is drunk. It's always executed with full knowledge that it could end the relationship if they're caught. That's why the cheater keeps it secret. If they keep it secret, then they will do it again guaranteed, because they think they can get away with it.
If they disclose it then they're either guilty, or looking to use it as an excuse to break up.
In any case, if someone cheats they're saying you're not important enough for them to give you that level of respect.
Totally agree, just to add that even if there was a chance it might have happened by accident then the person committed it is really immature and non trusting so YOU wouldn't want to take him/her back.
Ok my question: how feasible and/or right is to go back to your ex and what is the time gap betweek breakup and it's finally over ? It didn't end on bad terms and it was (objectively) a great relationship before the ending.
I don't see why there should be a time limit on getting back together. As long as both people are happy, have thought it through and want to be with each other, why not?
what's the best way to get over an ex whom you have dated for a few months but broke up for almost a year and you never speak again?
Stop thinking about the ex. Go do active things with friends and family and get on with your life.
Throw away everything you shared together, because it will remind you of that person.
Associate something negative with that guy (I assume you're a girl). So lets say the guy had semlly feet. So each time he pops up in your head, repeat "He had smelly feet, and I hate men with smelly feet!"
Purge him from your thoughts as soon as he pops up, and have a good laugh when he does.
How likely are girls in mid 20s who didnt think you're Mr. Right over a year ago change their mind and give you a go?
I'm having trouble with dating someone I really like and no luck yet. She is kind of in a relationship I think. Now I have another friend which I dont mind datingbut definitely not my marrying type and I know I can sleep with her.
How will you handle this? My body is telling me to forget about the previous one and get on with the new one but my heart is telling me otherwise.
I assume you're talking from the guy's perspective. You need to repackage yourself. Dress well, be more confident, develope a carefree and fun persona, and have a fun personality.
If you're the same person nothing will change. You need to make the girl go wow, what happened to this guy?
To do this though you can't be seeing the girl frequently. You need to stop seeing her and then make a big impact.
For the guy trying to make his mind up about the two girls.
1) If she's in a relationship already not much you can do. Unless she starts to have dounbts about the other guy and then you got your opportunity.
2) Come on man, if you've read my blog you know I'm against leading people on. If the second girl is up for casual sex then go for it. But if you know she's going to get attached then I'm against having sex just for the sake of it.
Go buy some porn and go jerk off.
Just my personal opinion.
how to reassure an ex friends-with-benefits that after he broke things off, you still want to be friends, like you were in the first place. Is there any way to do it without the awkward, "we're still friends...right?" talk?
Well I'v never had a friends with benefits. But I did have sex with a friend once after we both got drunk.
Afterwards, just be friendly, fun, and don't bring it up. If they sense it's not an awkward situation and at the same time you're not looking to pursue things, then won't think much of the situation.
how do you know whether a player is truly ready to settle down? how hard is it for them to say goodbye to their previous lifestyle?
Was broken hearted not too long ago (got cheated on by my ex) and now i'm with someone whom i got along with and is the husband type .. but my heart is giving me doubts as i just long to find a nice guy and someone to settle down with, and feel so afraid to lose and got hurt again - for some reason this makes me nervous/ upset and i cant think clearly anymore. Why do I have these feelings and is he the right guy?
A player is truly ready to settle down when he puts his previous lifestyle behind him. He stops the clubbing, stops the chasing after girls, becomes a lot more chilled out.
Most players never settle down forever, even if they get married. They might settle down for a while, which is why the vast majority of ex players will cheat.
The biggest myth around is that if a man's played enough then he'll settle down.
The opposite is true, an ex player is like an ex alcoholic, they're more likely to relapse compared to a normal person.
Most people carry emotional baggage from their past to new relationships. It could be stuff that happened to them when they were young, or being hurt from a previous relationship.
Ask yourself this though. What's the new guy got to do with the previous guy?
You just said he's the husband type so I assume he's a decent guy.
Don't let your insecurities affect you. We all have them, but insecurities have a habit of making things come true because they are unattractive.
So just enjoy yourself with the new guy. Why else would you want to be in a relationship?
If you can't enjoy yourself in a relationship you need to go into dating detox. Which is basically not date anyone for a while till you're emotionally in the right place.
A lot of men and women make the mistake of going from one bad relationship straight into the next one whilst their head is still not clear, and that often adds to even more problems later.
My Fiance has been cheating on me. He now begs me to get back with him after I have discovered what happened. Should I get back with him? Can I believe that he would change for good? He is deeply apologetic and gurantees that he would not do that again. I do still have feelings for him but I am worried that I would be hurt again.
Ok here's the thing. I understand if a guy doesn't care about his girlfriend and cheats, or has been married for 10 yrs and no longer in love and cheats.
But he's about to marry you! If he's about to marry you shouldn't he be very much in love? If he cheats now, do you really think he won't cheat later on?
He can say anything, but he knew what he was doing when he was doing it.
I found out that a friend has been cheating on his long-time gf. (Friend didn't tell me himself, i found out myself). He's chasing young girls in mainland china and going to "entertainment places" there as well. but i have only met the gf once or twice through friend. she seems to be a very innocent girl so i feel bad for her. should i find a way to make her know what her bf's up to?
Well if you think of it from a moral perspective telling her would technically be the right thing to do.
But it's none of your business. Also you would lose your friend, and if you have common friends he would say bad things about you.
So really up to what feels right to you.
You seem to have a precise answer about many topics. What's your opinion on the so called topic "the one" that s/he is supposed to came only once in everyone's life ? The one not as a utopia but as that person that you have so much in common (bond?) that there's a mutual intention to compromise in order to stay together without feeling haggard. Of course finding a special person has lot to do with probabilities including parameters like time, place, person, attitude and many others. Yes I did loose a v.special person recently but I don't go all philosophical. On the contrary I want another opinion as I don't believe people "are weird" as many use to say, just everyone is different and the world is huge so maybe "the one" theory applies. Thanks.
I've dating this 23 years old guy for 2 months and I'm 27. Currently, I found out he always watching porns after I go to bed. We have a pretty healthy sex life.It hurts my feelings. Is it normal that guy do that? I've talked to him couple of times, but he argued that's very common and healthy to a relationship.Shall I leave him?
Yes I definitely believe in the concept of "the one", simply because I know some couples that are like that. But I think only 10% of married people married "the one".
Most people don't marry the perfect match, but many can still be happily married.
However, there is a danger in thinking too much about the concept of the one. People that idealize too much about this concept might give someone they feel chemistry with too much credit.
Just look at some of the questions people ask me here. In the last year or so I've met girls that have been abused, cheated on, and treated like shit.
Most of them should know what they should do, which is to dump the jerk. I know it's hard, because once pair bonding is established it's hard to leave someone.
But really, a guy that hits or cheats on his woman is definitely not the one.
I think it's normal for a guy to watch porn even if he's in a relationship. I mean it's a way for men to act out fantasies without cheating.
But to do it after you've had sex, and after you've gone to bed, and still in the same apartment?
No that's not normal. If he's watching porn whilst you're still there then that clearly shows a high level of disrespect.
You got to communicate that displeasure (without nagging him about it).
One more thing. The guy is 23, I hope you know roughly what age men settle down in this town. You're going to be dating him for at least 5-8 years just to find out if he MIGHT be ready to settle down with you.
Just pointing that fact out in case you move on to something more serious down the line.
you seem to have answers to all kinds of different problems in a relationship. what do you find is your biggest question(s) in relationships that you have yet to figure out or understand?
There have been many guys who said i'm a 'keeper' or a 'perfect wife material', however my luck in relationships has never been good, none of them really approached me to start a relationship. Got me thinking maybe they probably don't want to settle down so a 'keeper' is not what they want. But at the same time, i get a bit offended when i'm called "a wife material" because it seems to me i'm just the stay-home boring type and not exciting enough.
What do you think about this?
I really like reading your blog, are you not going to update anymore until you finish your book?
Ok, your problem is the same problem "nice guys" complain about.
A lot of women complain there are no nice guys out there, yet one of the most common complaints nice guys have is that nice guys come last.
Many women date jerks and just treat their nice guy friends as friends, because they are not attracted to them.
You're a nice girl. That's the same situation you're in.
To understand why this happens you have to understand what humans say they want and what they are attracted to are different.
What humans are attracted to are seductive qualities, and ironically they are similar in both sexes.
If you want to change the way men see you then I suggest you think about the following:
1) Learn how to be more flirtatious BUT without coming off as easy or desperate.
2) Improve conversation skills and develop a sense of humor.
3) Improve your confidence levels, without coming across as aloof and uncaring.
4) Be more fun and carefree, don't take things so seriously.
5) Smile and laugh more, it makes a person look more attractive.
6) DON'T get offended by what people say, that indicates some level of insecurity. If people say something and it's not meant to be an insult but a truth, then it's much more productive to learn how to change oneself so that comment will never happen again.
You have to remember that the only thing you can change and control in life is yourself. Most people don't want to change yet get upset when people view them in a certain way.
It's like wanting to lose weight, most people want to lose weight yet very few go do the exercise or eat right.
It depends on what you want really. You're probably fine just the way you are. But people that want to be more seductive need to work on it.
I'm speaking from personal experience as well. I used to be bullied as a kid and had no success with girls. That changed when I changed the way I thought and the way I acted.
The key is to internalize changes though so you're not being fake, but you make genuine changes.
I haven't even been writing my book, I've been day trading to make $, and been making some decentt $ so going to do that for a while because I don't want to be a poor writer haha.
For more details or questions you can email me williebooker88@hotmail.com
Here's the first thing I dissagreewith you, I'm referring to the numbered things one "must" change. I see everyone has his/her own style, others are flirtatious while others are not so talkative, others impress with showing confidence while others prove confidence in crutial moments of decision making etc. But they all can find people to be with I believe.
Personally I refuse to be like a copy of most people I come accross like for example being blah blah and showing confidence for the sake of not being passed as antisocial/shy/gay/non-sexual etc (maybe some are indeed extrovert). I have my moods as everyone so without being rude I choose for example when to be talkative at work or just do my job.
Now if your numbered things to change you mean them on a basic level then I agree, everyone should work a little on themselves, a bit of flirting, conversation skills etc as long as it does not reach to a "fake" level (way i see it) of practicing for a job interview. In this case you're not yourself because for example practicing to be a talkative flurter while in your life you're quite a serious person then it won't happen. You can only learn how to flirt in a serious witty for example way.
Reason I mentioned these is because I noticed a pattern on people like you have to behave a certain way, flirt saying certain things etc or people are easily put off.
And to link my previous post to my next question: I clearly remember having these things that you mentioned underdeveloped in the past however my ex adored me. And I mean objectively loved me, actions were clear to me. So what I can't understand now is how can one be so not in love after a break up and even get annoyed by that other person when they clearly had a big bond before ? Can it be that he proof I mentioned before were not real or wad part of an act or sthg ? Of course I'm talking about big, great relationships,not the ones where there's a doubt from the first minte but for those that the term "the one" comes very close.
I don't think you read my post clearly, but read what you wanted to read.
No, a person doesn't need to ever change anything about themselves. Where in my post did I write, one "must" change?
Everyone can be whoever they want to be.
The other poster however asked me what I think, and I assumed she wanted possible solutions to her situation. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her.
I gave possible solutions she can try and not try.
I think you are confusing being more seductive with saying things or doing things based on what you think people want to hear.
You even said that people that try to behave or flirt in a certain way will put people off.
How's putting people off seductive?
That's not what I am suggesting.
Note the points I raised were about personality traits that are naturally attractive.
Read the post carefully and the points I offered again. You don't have to act that way but that doesn't mean those traits are not attractive.
I also stated:
"The key is to internalize changes though so you're not being fake, but you make genuine changes. "
So again, where in my post did I state things that were wrong?
All I did was give constructive possible changes the girl can make or not make. If I told her, just be yourself, that's nice and all, but doesn't change her situation and nor is it useful in the least bit.
I even said:
"You have to remember that the only thing you can change and control in life is yourself. Most people don't want to change yet get upset when people view them in a certain way."
So again, no one needs to feel forced to change at all. Just don't get upset when you're not getting the attention you want.
"I clearly remember having these things that you mentioned underdeveloped in the past however my ex adored me."
Again you missed the point of the previous post. Not having those characteristics doesn't mean a person is a loser. Having those characteristics makes a person more attractive though.
It's the same as, well if you don't have a billion dollars then it doesn't mean you're not rich. But having a billion dollars definitely mean you're rich.........
Men put their best foot forward in the early stages of a relationship or when they like a girl. It's only after a long time, usually a few months to a couple of years later that they totally revert back to their baseline personality, which is their normal personality.
That's what you're seeing with this guy.
Most men will change themselves to be more attractive at the start. Nice guys generally change very little, jerks change the most. It's on a scale.
That's why nice guys often complain women don't like them, and women often complain there are no good men out there.
Jerks are the best at acting in a way that creates spikes in attraction in the opposite sex. They do exactly what I put in the previous post, except they're not internalizing positive changes. They're putting on acts for short bursts.
I really like the way you defended your answers, and I think you really offered some great solutions. None of us is born perfect. If we take an honest look at ourselves, we can always find areas where we can really change and improve (yes, we can!). We do know certain traits are good, such as being confident, fun, attractive etc. We just need to admit it and work towards them instead of resenting the rules which may never change.
I'm really curious how you transformed yourself and have become so confident and good with girls. How long did it take? What did you do and how did you change the way you thought and acted?
Growing up, I did get approached by many guys, and I got used to being reactive instead of proactive with guys. However, when I meet a guy who I'm attracted to, I don't really know how to pursue him. Or should a girl ever actively pursue a guy (would this put guys off)? What can a girl do when a guy seems interested in her but doesn't ask her out, and he's not necessarily a shy guy? Also, do guys have different standards when they look for a girlfriend and when they look for a wife? While most girls prefer outgoing guys, do outgoing guys also prefer outgoing girls? How do they view shy girls? An outgoing guy who I'm very attracted to told me he thought I was shy but that it was ok and he thought it was cute. Should I remain the same or try to become less shy in front of him?
Thanks a lot for sharing with us so many of your personal experiences and helpful suggestions! :)
Wow that's a lot of questions, haha.
Ok, regarding girls. I wouldn't say I'm great with them. I know players that are very good with girls.
But I have changed a lot. It's been small changes over years I would say. I never sat down and tried to change in an intensive way. But I knew when I wasn't getting attention from girls I was doing something wrong.
The main thing I did was to stop caring so much about what other people thought. I say what I want to say and do what I want to do. That doesn't mean I go out and act arrogant or rude.
There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance and the people that figure out that fine line will do well. But confident or arrogant people differ from normal people in that they aren't scared to do what they want to do.
That's the main change.
Once that's established it's much easier to loosen up, have more fun, and develope a sense of humor.
The men that chase women all the time have a distinct advantage in that they get a lot of practice and find out what works and what doesn't work.
The vast majority of women are reactive and not proactive. But that's the way it should be, and I'm not trying to be old fashioned or sexist.
The reason why you don't actively pursue a man is because it lowers your perceived value. If you're valuable you don't need to chase.
You could also set yourself up for being played by a guy that originally wasn't interested, but figured why not since you're chasing him.
You can flirt with a guy, if you give the guy prolonged looks, say 3 seconds and give him a smile that's enough of a signal. If he's not chasing he's not interested, just let it be and move on.
Yes men have 3 different standards.
1) Girls they will have sex with but don't like.
2) Girls they will date but when the time comes they aren't interested enough to want to marry the girl.
3) A woman a guy dates for some time and marries.
How the guy makes the choice depends on 3 factors.
1) The integrity of the guy. So for example nice guys won't lead a girl on just for sex, or won't date a girl forever if he knows he won't marry her.
Your average player or jerk has no rules. He's the only important person in the relationship and he doesn't care if he's using the girl.
2) The perceived value of the girl, relative to how attractive the guy knows he is. If a guy can't attract many girls then his standards will be lower than a big player who can attract many girls.
Many players have standards that are so high what they want doesn't even exist. I know one player that told me he's resigned to the fact he's going to marry the mother of his kids and not someone he truly wants.
3) The age of the guy. If a guy's only 25 he's more likely to want to play than to want to settle down.
As for your final question, no you don't have to be outgoing to attract an outgoing guy. But you do need to be a challenge (wihtout being a bitch) and not totally subservient and submissive.
"The key is to internalize changes though so you're not being fake, but you make genuine changes."
That's big talk, and 100% agree as I follow that route.
Without trying to steal your thunder Carlotn let me say how I transformed my self, by applying the quote "dive to the deep waters". And I used to be the exact opposite of confident.
As for the man-hunter approach I agree and it also has a logic and a biology behind it. Don't want to expand it's a big topic but I think you understand the idea.
Players, bitches I repel them. I may sound v.traditional but I'm not that much. That's why at the beginning I said something about HK women but then you wanted the thread to be neutral. It is true that people have different behaviour at different regions. I do like the feminine yet a bit independent style of HK girls at the sime time traditional values they have so they don't let you believe they can be players like western girls. But again that because I'm not a western player man.
I jus started dating a guy & when I asked him what he thinks of us "He says that he really likes me but he is honestly still figuring things out." Can you translate that guy-speak for me pls?
To be fair, he is very sweet & treats me real nice & with respect. My parents were in town 2 wks after we started dating & he came willingly for lunch with them & even took them shopping after (I had to leave early). When I stayed over @ his place the night before he went on a trip, he told me to sleep late & lock the door on my way out...even tho I think he knew I would be ransacking his house for ex-gf/other damning evidence when he was out :)
His actions indicate that he is a decent guy, but I've also been told that I shd take what a guy tells me at face value, ie. if he says he's still figuring things out, that is precisely what he means.
How long does a guy take to figure things out?? I just got out of a relationship where my ex told me after 5yrs that he's still not ready to settle. Maybe I've been out of the dating game for too long - can you give your objective opinion as to whether I'm being overly anxious abt this new relationship? Shd I jus relax and see where things go with this guy? How long? I can't imagine anor 5 yrs :-S All parties in their early 30s.
Thx, B
It means he's not ready to commit yet. Men qualify women later.
Women are more picky than men at the start, so if a guy hits on you and you're not interested then you'll just turn the guy down.
But a man can start seeing a girl without wanting to commit to a relationship. Or be in a relationship without the desire to want to get married.
Of course women do this too, but more men do this.
How long you want to wait really depends on your personal needs.
I would say if a guy REALLY liked a girl he doesn't need to think about being in a relationship with her.
If he has to think, it shouldn't be more than a couple of months.
If he's in a relationship and he really likes a girl then he doesn't need to wait for more than 2-3 years. If he's not sure then, then he never will be.
Of course many guys do take longer than 2-3 years, but then you're not getting a guarantee on that.....
idol, i think u shd install a search engine! it takes hours to look up old posts! i need to reread the one about james bloody bond! XD
I think the blog has been inactive for a while ! Time for a question :
To what extend you think women nowadays are "programmed" to respond with a specific/cliche approach when comes to pairing ?
For example consider the following 3 most common examples: a)are greatly impressed by money/status/fame of the opposite sex b)for those not fall much into category (a) but still expect a cliche approach call it script talk or dinner/drink out etc c)trying to be unique they find you weird or not comfortable cause you don't apply the cliche (look categories a and b) so they put off
In other words for a male who goes against (b) & (c), who is not a macho (but of course he is ambitious) and not really interested in the typical male-macho-brainless-female-running-after-macho thing is a hard era I guess. Money are now important than ever and people value their independence so much which boosts an ego personality.
Yeah I've been pretty lazy lately.
Since I started doing my research I realized that biology probably matters more than social conditioning these days. That's because there is less and less social conditioning or programming as you say going on.
There used to be a lot more rules and expectations, say in our grandparent's era.
Women want security, this need is to do with survival back in the caveman days.
A man that seems capable and can bring security will naturally attract more women.
In Asia where $ matters more to people having $ is a big advantage. In the West though the relative advantage of having $ is less. It's more important there to have an interesting personality.
Totally agree, just follow your passion, call it study/work/hobby etc cause that matters and good people will join you.
About the security thing that's a rule that was, is and will be happening. The difference nowadays is that they "love" you for your status/money, blandly, little emotion or actual living, if you know what I mean.
Agree about asian women and $ but I think they have traditional values too. Don't consider them like american bimbo's like Hilton's style. Western women have their mind over their head, big ego and can live independent, that's why money is not a big issue for them (they still want someone that makes more money).
I remember when I was with my ex-HK girl I was still being supported by my parents and so did she and we loved each other very much talking about engaging. So I'm not sure if asian girls are so much into $. After we broke up I found she started working for Goggle Taipei, big job good money so you see.
Yeah well what I am refering to are general trends. In every population you will find a range of behaviors. But what I mean is $ as a symbol of security matters more in Asia relative to the West.
are you not gonna update anymore? :(
Hmm, any special topics you want to know my dear?
What does he want?
Beginning of this year I met a guy lets call him *John Doe* in a club who likes me (we have mutual friends together too so one of them told me that he liked me)but I liked his friend *Sam Doe* but one night I got abit drunk and kissed John and nothing else happened, a week passed I went to the same club and saw both these guys and John may have thought I liked him back and kept making moves, anyway I wasn't interested and walked off (rude im sure & his friends told me that I have hurt his feelings so I did feel bad), so I havent seen them for a good few months and during these months I did some reflecting and realised that John would not be a bad catch after all and something stirred and I actually do like John..
I recently saw John at a different club and he seem to have a gf..
John's friend was around & mentioned to me that John's gf is on a study break here and will leave soon so I guess its good news to me?! then I saw John outside the club alone & i went up to say hi, the first thing he said was 'when are you free to come back home with me'? I was slightly shocked considering his gf was inside the club when he asked.. I'm just wondering what is he up to?
Count yourself lucky that you didn't accept John Doe before, or you might be the girl in the club, and he might be asking some other girl to go home with him in your place.
He wants to cheat. What's there to wonder?
hello !!
well as it is a HK blog, I am a foreigner here, from Bangladesh. My question is "Do you have any idea, if young HK girls r interested in Bangladeshi guys ?? I mean do the girls make the first move for a introduction ?? "
I doubt they have a certain preference. I think girls in general girls like outgoing successful guys, everywhere in the world.
But no, girls here will rarely make the first move.
Thanks for your answer. I think i am being a bit paranoid. My fiancé went there for his ph.d and i have started to feel in secured. I guess i should trust him more.
Nah, he should be fine. If he was a banker or a lawyer, or businessman that's slightly different.
Just curious, how did you find this blog?
Well he is a student ... n he will stay that way till he takes me there as well ... I'll make it sure ... lol ... kidding ..
Anyway I was google searching about relationships in Hongkong, so that i can find out what kind of guys HK girls like and in the search my keywords matched with your site ..
Hi,
I need help with a relationship issue. I just started dating a hk girl who is 27 who just ended her relationship. I really love her, but then after two months one day she told me she wanted me to buy her a purse. I haven't bought her anything big before. I said why she said she wanted it and was testing me out because I kept saying I had money and that and I didn't get her anything. I said no and she said take me home or I will have someone else will. And then I said ok I will buy you the purse. Is that how typically girls are and is it ok for me to continue this relationship? She told me she did this because her friends told her to and becasuse she was testing me whether I had money or not. I said two months in the relationship was too early but she said she wanted to test me. Is this typical of hk girls? Thanks
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