Nov/ Chapter 4: Dealing with problematic men

After reading the posts about abusive guys, most people asked me two questions. Firstly, why would any girl want to stick with a guy that's treating them badly?

Well the question to that is actually quite complex. The girl is in love with the guy, he's chipped away at her self confidence, he's made the situation very confusing because he's normal or even sweet a lot of the time.

The second question was how can a girl prevent herself from getting into this situation? In fact, how can a girl prevent herself from falling in love and ending up in an unhealthy relationship with any type of problematic guy?

There's three types of people that are relatively immune to deception, and manipulation, and even if they fall prey they won't put up with any crap, and will quickly move on.

Type 1, The Cynic: These are people that have been hurt in the past. Their response to being hurt is to avoid being hurt again by turning negative about the situation and see the bad side in people. Cynics are jaded people that rarely get hurt because they shield themselves from any risk of getting hurt again. But there are major problems to being a cynic.

The main problem is that by seeing the bad side in people, you remove a lot of the fun and lower the chance of actually finding happiness. If your natural response is to label all guys as jerks before exploring if a guy is genuinely interested in a healthy relationship then you'll remove any chance of finding a nice guy. In fact, the easiest way to avoid all jerks, is to simply avoid all men. You'll never get hurt, but you'll also never find happiness.

Another problem with being a cynic is that you will give off negative energy and people will sense it. Being negative is a turn off, and will drive away guys that may otherwise find you attractive.

Type 2, Having high self esteem: A person with high self esteem is less susceptible to being deceived and manipulated because they care about themselves. But the important thing is that if they do find themselves with a guy that's just there for casual sex, or not commited to a proper relationship, or abusive, they'll dump the guy and move on.

People with high self esteem are not needy, they don't need someone else to complete them, and if that person isn't going to treat them properly they will move on. They will rather be single and happy then to be with someone but miserable.

The key is to love yourself, and to realize that being in a relationship is not the goal, being happy is. Don't start getting into the position where you want to find someone so badly you are willing to put up with serious crap.

Type 3, The realist: The main difference between the realist and a cynic is that the realist learns to accept humanity for what it really is. The situation won't depress them, because rather than having high hopes and morals and then wondering why other people don't have the same standards, the realist understands that there are good and bad people and just accepts this.

A realist will understand men for what they really are, and able to read between the good and the bad. They then accept the reality and don't try to make excuses for those guys that happen to be bad, simply because they want to be with that guy.

I was at a circus the other day and the animal trainer was in a cage with a dozen lions and tigers, and I was thinking, if one of those beasts attacked and killed the trainer, you can't really blame a beast. It's the beast's nature to attack and kill for food.

If you meet and fall for a player, realize there's nothing wrong with men in general. It's just the player's nature to act the way he does, but get real, and move on. Same with all other types of problematic guys, whether they're abusive or stringing you along. Treat them the same way you would a dangerous animal, just accept that they're not going to be healthy for you and stay away from them.

The key is to remember that frees you up to then go and find someone that will be good to you.

Nov/ Chapter 3: When a snake slithers back

I used a cartoon snake because I got a friend that reads this blog and she's scared of snakes.

Cute isn't it? I really wanted to use a nasty looking snake about to bite though.

When do you do if an abusive guy (snake), calls you, tells you he loves you, misses you and needs you back? What do you think you should do?

1) Ask him to come over to talk
2) Have a long chat and find out what's up
3) Laugh then hang up the phone
4) Insult him then hang up the phone
5) Hang up the phone

I hope you picked any of the responses between 3-5.

The reason you hang up and cut off all communication is because those types of guys always lie, and never change. But if the guy is coming back to you, and says he loves you, then surely he really does love you right? If the guy is hurting badly inside surely he really cares, right?

Wrong, for abusive guys and players it's always about control, sex, and themselves. They have no interest about being in a HEALTHY relationship, it's always about them. You might desperately hope that he loves you, but that's because you love him and hope that's the case. You'll do anything in your head to make that into a reality.

The reality is that he's coming back because he needs to the security of having someone underneath him, under his control. The reality is if you get back together with the guy, he will be charming and wonderful at first then start being abusive at an all new level once you two are settled down again.

Seems like lots of women have been in abusive relationships, so it's common, don't feel bad. But see, you only get to live once and should be happy, and you deserve someone that loves you. That's why the next time he calls you should hang up on him, even if you love him, he's just not going to be good for you. Put him in the same category as heroine, or anything that's going to make you real high and then crush you real hard later.

I know it's difficult to tell someone you may still love to back off, when it means you will be alone and possibly lonely. But I guarantee if you leave the guy, years later you will wonder why you even wasted so much time on him, and that the whole episode had nothing to do with love. Here's some stuff to get you get over a bad guy.

1) Make some new friends, or hang out with existing friends more.
2) Find new hobbies, you'll be surprised how much more spare time you have and how much you can learn.
3) Treat yourself to things that will make you feel better. Go shopping or go for a walk in the park.

Remember when you've sacrificed so much for a guy, and he's turned out to be just a jerk, you deserve to go treat at least one person right, and that's you.

Nov/ Chapter 2: Abusive men

I decided to make this post after a friend of mine came to me about giving advice to a friend of hers that has been dating an abusive boyfriend.

The guy was friends with the girl for 6 months prior to them starting the relationship. Everything was good, then 3 months into the relationship they got into an arguement and he hit her. From then on it got worse and the guy would often blame his own behavior on her provoking him. Then she started blaming herself.

The guy then cheated with on her with numerous different women and told her about it, and put the blame on her for dating guys whilst they were still friends!

Abusive men are much more common than people realize. In America alone 4 million women experience serious assult from a male partner each year, yeah, that's each year. It's a very common problem and after writing this blog I've heard numerous stories of girls that have been abused in the past. I would guess close to 10% of girls have been in relationships with abusive guys.

People are often confused as to why any woman would put up with abuse and why they don't just walk away. But abusive relationships never start that way, in the beginning the guy always acts very sweet. If guys are abusive at the start then the girl would obviously dump the guy for someone better.

There are two types of abuse, emotional and physical. An abusive man is often skilled in pushing the blame, to make the girl think she isn't good enough or that everything is her fault. That's why many girls hang on to abusive guys, because they think they've done something wrong that's made the sweet guy turn abusive. When in fact the guy had a problem to begin with and was just hiding his real personality during the courtship phase of the relationship.

After abusing the girl, whether physically or psychologically with control games such as jealousy and blame (in my friend's friend's case the guy accused her of seeing other guys prior to them hooking up), the abusive guy will always tell the girl he loves her and will change so that the girl won't leave. He may even cry, and act desperate. In fact most abusive men are survivors of abuse themselves, and have pretty low self esteem as well as distorted perception of relationships that are extremely unhealthy.

When the girl takes the guy back, he starts to gain control, and the more times the girl takes the guy back, the more control he will gain. This is usually because the girl will get more and more confused and her self esteem is lowered. The apologies will often also be accompanied with empty promises of change that keeps the girl "hooked" in the relationship for the hope of change in the guy.

Basically, the girl starts thinking she's the one that's wrong, and desperately hopes that the guy's going to change back to the sweet guy she first met.

Here's the key point.......... Abusive men cannot change without long term therapy. They will not change or start treating a girl well. The only option a girl has if she really cares for the guy is to force him to get professional help, which he will resist because most abusive guys don't realize they have a problem.

If a girl leaves the guy he will start to cry and beg for forgiveness, but she can't go back till he's completed long term therapy successfully. When a girl leave an abusive guy be prepared for his behavior to get even more erratic and the abuse to get worse. If the girl goes back because he's begging for forgiveness, the cycle is only going to get worse.

Signs that a guy is abusive.

1. He's jealous and possessive - views his woman as his property instead of an unique individual. Becomes jealous of the girl spending time with family, friends and co-workers. Starts asking where the girl's been in an accusatory manner. Accuses the girl of cheating, or flirting with other men without cause.

2. Control - He's overly demanding of the girl's time and must be the center of her attention. Becomes angry if she's showing signs of independence and strength. Starts to control the activities the girl can partake in,

3. Superiority - He's always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be right by blaming the girl or others, so it's rarely his own fault. A verbally abusive man will talk down to or call the girl names to make himself feel better. His goal is to make the girl feel weak so he can be powerful. Even the guy's not aware he's doing this because he's actually insecure and power makes him feel better about himself.

4. Manipulative. Tells the girl she's crazy or stupid so the blames on her. Tries to make the girl feel it's her fault he's abusive.

5. Mood swings - His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occured.

6. Actions don't match words - says sorry and promises not to be abusive again if the girl tries to leave him. Will beg for forgiveness if the girl tries to leave.

7. Disrespects women - Shows no respet for women, even family memebers. Or he sees women as just sex objects rather than unique individuals.

If you read this and your boyfriend has one of more of the above traits then he probably needs professional help. If your friend is dating a problematic guy then consider telling them to read this post and getting help for their boyfriend, and if he doesn't seek help, leave the guy and never going back.

Remember, most abusive guys are very normal in everyday life, could even be popular socially or successful at work. It's only in the security of a relationship where he can't be judged in public that he goes nuts.

AND REMEMBER ABUSIVE GUYS WILL ALWAYS BE ABUSIVE NO MATTER WHAT THEIR PROMISES ARE!

Nov/ Chapter 1: Make up

I was chatting to a few friends about the book I'm writing and the second part of it is basically a guide to teach women how to better communicate with men in ways that actually gets through to us. In other words strategies that makes a guy appreciate a girl more, and ultimately he won't lose interest in the relationship.

A couple of the girls immediately got agitated and asked why they have to compromise or change in any way to get a guy? They would rather stay single for life than to make any changes for a guy.

Well first of all, we all make changes to our behaviour to fit in with other humans. We are better behaved at work, we treat out boss and professional contacts with respect. Of course, it's different in a relationship, we are after all trying to be ourselves and enjoy ourselves in a relationship. But what if being ourselves doesn't effectively communicate to and get through to our partners? What if we need to act and talk in ways the other sex actually understands and appreaciates?

Guys understand we need to change our behavior just to get girls interested in the first place. Girls say they like nice guys but are actually attracted to fun, and confidence. That's why there's a phrase nice guys come last. If we chase too hard or really like a girl too much at the beginning, it makes us look nervous and needy and it drives off girls.

Girls face another problem. Although girls dump guys all the time, many girls face the problem of their boyfriends losing interet in a relationship, and there are psychological reasons why guys do that.

One of my friends still disagreed, and the funny thing is she started applying make up in front of me. The application of make up is an artifical act and behavior women learn from an early age to make themselves more attractive. If the standard is that women shouldn't make any changes to get men interested then women shouldn't take all that time to wear make up, or to dress sexy for a night out.

Some behaviors are so ingrained in human psyche that we've internalized them and they come natural to us. We don't even think about them anymore. That includes women applying make up and dozens of other behaviors women already have that makes them more attractive to men. They're just not aware of the implications because it's all subconscious.

What I didn't want to point out is that my friend just didn't want to change because she consciously didn't want to back down in anyway. If we don't make any compromises in relationships, then we work against ourselves. There's a fine balance between catering to someone just to fit in and making ourselves more attractive.

In any case my friend already had many guys chase after her, because she made sure she looked good and at the same time she was a strong girl that wasn't needy and maintained her own goals in life. Those are attractive qualities that are appealing to men and women. Other changes include not nagging but communicating more effectively, and not catering to a man's every needs which spoils the guy.

There are two types of changes that both men and women can make. One is to make oneself more attractive by increasing the positive traits we have. The other is to play games and use trickery. The second type of change is not sustainable if we're going to be with someone for life.

Remember, if you apply make up badly, it's gonna look real ugly.

Oct/ Chapter 2: The Credit Crunch and dating

I'm a banker, and these are scary times for bankers. We're at the front lines of the current credit crunch, and we can see and understand the implications of what's happening on the wider economy. Lots of bankers expect to have no bonus this year and some of us will lose our jobs.

But are the times really that bad or have we gotten too comfortable with our easy lifestyles? Our grandparents had to live through a global war, and their parents had to live through the great depression. Both events that were much worse than what we're facing now.

In 1933, by the end of the great depression, the unemployment rate had risen to 25% in the US. That's unlikely to happen now, but it won't be surprising if the unemployment rate hits 10% in the US from this mess, and the banking industry could well cut 25% of the global banking work force.

Back then, people stuck together at the worst of times. But in the modern era, most people find it hard to even stick with one person at the best of times. We've gotten real picky, and people can afford to go out and date lots of partners before ever considering settling down for one.

Will dating patterns change now that the shit has hit the fan? Maybe.......

Certainly when I pick a girl now, I want someone that's going to stick with me through the good times and the bad. Isn't that meant to be in the marriage vows? I don't want to date anyone that wants me to buy them Prada hand bags, or Jimmy Choos. What if I lost my job next week? The girl's not even happy if I don't take her out to the best resturants, is she going to really queue up with me when I need to go to the soap kitchen for free food?

Most probably not.

Food for thought........when finding a partner, make sure they will stick around during the recession.

Oct/ Chapter 1: We're screwed...

The other day I had an interesting night. Primarily because I was with several players out clubbing. It was also interesting because I got all depressed and shit.

Never start moralizing when out having a good time, especially when drinking.

The guys were all from Shanghai and all very cool guys. We had girls all around us. But something was bothering me the whole night. It all started when my friend started complaining as usual that he couldn't find any nice girls, and wanted to seriously settle down and get married. But when we got to the club his eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store, and he would comment on a dozen girls being cute, then go hit on a couple.

I've told him many times before. The key to settling down is to quit the partying lifestyle altogether. Some people are able to control it, for other like us meeting too many girls is just a major distraction from finding that "special one".

Then I started chatting to one of the other guys, who obviously wasn't ready to settle down, but sounded depressing never the less. I asked him what it was like clubbing and partying in Shanghai, and what are the girls like. He told me it was starting to suck, because he was getting too many girls, and the local girls were boring. It was so easy to get girls he was losing all his hunting skills, because he was literally being spoon fed.

How depressing, I felt like I was talking to a prisoner in Guantanamo Bay that was on hunger strike, and being force fed to stay alive..........I've been there though. Imagine going through the same repetitive and fake conversations with someone time and time again, just to get laid.

I started asking a third guy about this issue, the issue of the Shanghai lifestyle, and he agreed. It's just too intoxicating, and he was worried it would suck him in, and rather than enjoying it, it would start controlling him. That sometimes he just wanted a quiet weekend, but then would get lots of phone calls from people asking him to go out. That he wanted to keep a moral self, but it was impossible with so much temptation flying around.

That's when it hit me, I was feeling exactly the same.

Whilst I was contemplating these serious thoughts and at the same time was chucking down my vodka redbull I glanced across the club and saw a guy I knew. The guy had a really nice girlfriend, I knew her as well, but he had his arm around some other girl.

That's when I got all depressed and shit, because I realized it wasn't the girls we hurt that were screwed. It was us, the jokes on us......

Sep/ Chapter 6: Trading up

I was at a barbecue the other night and got into a discussion with a couple of people about an interesting topic. At the beginning one person brought up a really messed up story about some guy that slept with his best friend's wife.

The topic then changed to a hypothetical situation. What happens if your friend and his/her ex had a bad break up, and you knew your friend would not want you to date his or her ex. It's off limit territory and by dating your friend's ex, you would lose your friend. What would you do?

For me personally, I wouldn't even go near my friend's ex, I wouldn't get close enough in the first place to even get emotionally attached. That's because there are plenty of girls out there, why would I want to go hitting on a girl that's going to lose me a friend?

I thought the answer was obvious and everyone would naturally pick to avoid a relationship with the friend's ex, and preserve the friendship. But two people (one guy, one girl) in the discussion said, their natural choice would be to date the friend's ex, even if it meant losing the friend. This came as some what of a shock to me, since I thought their choice was so blatantly wrong.

So I said that didn't make sense. First of all the there wasn't even a guarantee that the friend's ex was going to be "the one". It might just be like every other relationship that didn't work, but the friendship would be ruined. I said it made no sense to trade something that was certain (the friendship) for something which was very uncertain (finding the one).

The guy I was debating with then said he still stuck with his choice, because it was like investing and taking risk. He said many people would rather buy stocks which had the risk of falling in value, but had a much bigger upside, than buying US treasury (government) bonds which had a fixed low rate of return but had no downside risk. The friend was meant to be like government bonds, provided a low rate of return, whilst the friend's ex, whilst not guaranteed to be "the one" might turn out to be the love he's been looking for all his life. (The guy was a banker)

Ok fine, but what about the fact that there were so many people out there in the first place? Every guy or girl out there could be the one! Why go for someone that would mean losing a friend? Both the guy and the girl then argued that friends come and go as well. I wasn't surprised they made this comment since Hong Kong was full of transient people that moved a lot and were very mobile.

I left the debate at that, but I thought, well I definitely wouldn't want to be their friend. If my friendship and the value of it was simply based on what type of returns I could provide for them, then that's not real friendship.

I also didn't tell them that their approach was going to hurt them in the long run as well, because it was selfish, and whilst they had justified it in their mind, it was the very same mentality which would prevent them from finding "the one". See, if they were so pre-occupied with finding the one and trading up, and willing to sacrifice a friendship for something that wasn't even certain, if they were in a relationship and problems developed they would do the same. They would find someone new that wasn't guaranteed to be better but might just provide better returns.

But in the long run there was only one thing they was certain. They were actually increasing the chance that they will never be satisfied, constantly looking to trade up, and ultimately single or lonely.