How to get a guy to settle part 2: Age of commitment

The first and most important thing girls need to realize is that no matter what a girl does, some men will never commit. She could be the greatest woman in the world, and those guys will always hesitate when it comes to commitment, think there are flaws with her, or look for other girls.

To make matters worse infatuation will cloud judgment. When a woman’s already started a relationship with a man that’s not going to settle down, she will hope she can change that man. At best a woman manages to pull herself away from the man with some minor heartache. At worst a woman keeps going back to or stays with a complete loser, as if she’s addicted to the man, and wastes years in the process.

So the first and most important thing is to realize men can’t be changed. Lots of women pick guys that are not ready and then hope to change them into guys that will marry. The bad boys out there that finally decide to settle down do so because they've finally gotten tired of their previous lifestyle. The girl doesn't have much control over this unfortunately.

To empower themselves women need to totally change the way they select men. Avoid starting relationships with guys that are not going to commit, and only pick those that are the marrying type to begin with.

The first criteria is age. Guys will not marry till they reach an age where they are comfortable with the concept of marriage, lets call this the age of commitment. If you meet a guy that’s younger than his age of commitment then it is very unlikely the guy will consider marriage. The most you can do is hope for is a long term relationship that lasts till the guy hits his age of commitment. But something could happen in between which ends the relationship.

The average marrying age for men in Hong Kong is currently 31.1 (first marriage stats only), and there is a distribution curve around this average. Obviously there are differences between the ages different guys settle down at, but the bulk of the guys will be marrying close to the average, the younger they are the fewer the number of guys that will marry, and same for the older you get. Note that the age at which a guy proposes is obviously younger than the age of actual marriage.

But there are also different distribution curves for guys with different educational backgrounds and socioeconomic status. A high school grad will be willing to marry earlier, generally willing to accept the concept by 23 and marrying between 25-31. The distribution curves of most colleague grads are 3 years later, willing to accept the concept around 26, and marrying between 28-33, whilst those that require the most education, or in the most competitive environments will marry the latest.

The most ambitious and career orientated guys generally want to get to a stage where they feel the most comfortable with their careers before they even think about marrying. This usually means pushing back as far as possible. These include investment bankers, those that work in the front office in a trading floor, lawyers and doctors. Guys in these professions tend to marry between 30-36.

The ranges diven capture the vast majority of the men that do marry in each of these groups. So if you want to increase your chances of finding a man that will settle down, then the man should be approaching or already in this age of commitment bracket.

If you meet a banker or lawyer when he’s only 27 it’s very unlikely he will commit, so you will have to be with the guy for 3 years just for him to get to the beginning of his range. Expect then if he’s going to be a typical banker or lawyer then he won’t be getting married till 8 years after you start dating him (age 35). That’s an 8 year investment and risk the girl has to take, and it’s not a guarantee. Often stringers will sting a girl along for 5-7 years, only to get bored and then meets someone new who they marry. The irony is that the first girl may have been a great girl and better girlfriend but the timing was wrong.

The smart and logical thing to do then is to turn away all guys well below their age of commitment, and only go for those that are already close to or in their bracket.

Key points from this post:

Some guys just won’t commit. It doesn't matter how well you treat him, and don't even attempt to change a guy.

To avoid wasting time and getting hurt identify and only start relationships with the marrying types.

Guys rarely marry before their age of commitment.

Education level and socioeconomic status affects the age of commitment. Career orientated guys generally settle down later.

Starting a relationship with a guy that’s too far away from his age of commitment is too much risk. The key is timing.

Pick guys that are already close to or in their age of commitment bracket!

How to get a guy to settle part 1: Ojectives

When I speak to a lot of girls they seem to have a belief that they have very little control over what happens in relationships, and that we should just find someone we like and hopefully things will work out.

What if I told you people could have much more control over their relationships? What if you could empower yourself to find the right person and have a great relationship with that person? Finding the one is not a random process. One study I looked at was researched by female researchers who started the study because they were fed up of not finding men that would commit. Within 3 years all the researchers got married because they applied their own research to how they selected men.

The first and most important step in avoiding stringers, players, and having success in relationships in general is to understand yourself. This entire blog is actually about trying to achieve two things, one is to teach you about others, and the other to teach you about yourself.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself just from writing this blog. Who I am, what I want, and what my strengths and weaknesses are.

Most people search externally for the answer to more success, they don’t look within themselves. The reason why I say understanding yourself is important is because many women do two things that hurt themselves. Firstly women are naturally attracted to men that are the worst at committing (it’s genetic, explained in June/Chapter 2), and many try to make things work with these men hence prolonging and making a painful process even worse.

Just so all you ladies out there don’t think I’m full of crap, and you don’t believe self understanding can allow you to exercise more control over relationships, I will use myself as an example. Mainly because I actually have to deal with more issues than most people, so if you feel bad I'm right there with you.

My real father cheated on my mum when I was still a baby, and she left him. I haven’t seen him since I was a baby so I don’t even know what he looks like. My stepdad was a very responsible man, he provided for my family, but I was never close to him. So I never experienced a father/son relationship and was never close to anyone in my family.

My experience growing up is a classic case of parents get divorced when young (which is different from divorce when the child is older), lack of fatherly love, and no older male role model. People like me generally grow up with problems getting intimate with another person, and have very little faith in relationships and in the institution of marriage.

If I didn’t know that about myself, I would spend the rest of my life screwing up my relationships and won’t even know why. By knowing that about myself, I can find solutions to the problem and change myself.

Ok, so not everyone is able to psychoanalyze themselves. But everyone can do something that is very simple:

Ask yourself what you want, have an objective in your mind, and do things that work towards that objective and don’t stray. I’m surprised how so many women are successful in their careers because they have clear objectives and have a step by step approach to achieving their objectives, but in their personal lives there’s no direction, no plan, just a lot of confusion.

Are you tired of the pressure and frustration of just dating, but sexually frustrated and looking for some fun and company? Then go and find yourself a fling or fuck buddy. But you better stick to this objective. If you want casual fun, stick to casual fun, don’t go find a guy that’s just looking to sleep around, and then start developing feelings for him. If you start developing feelings for him then you better cut it off asap. You’ve moved away from your objective and setting yourself for a potentially messy and painful situation.

Do you want a relationship? If so, then are you able to break it off? The reason I ask this strange question is because I spoke to a girl last night that told me not all girls want to get married, or thinking of marriage.

Oh really? Well that’s not true, because if you think about it, every single relationship either goes on forever or ends. There is no other choice! So, you’re either going to break up one day or get married, there is no in between, unless you remain together but not married till you die.
So, are you able to "have some fun" and break up your relationships at will? If not then you better either keep it shallow, just based on sex, and never develop emotions for a guy, or you find a guy that will actually marry you in the end. Everything else in between is not clearly defined and that’s why people get hurt, and girls end up wasting precious years with the wrong guys in the wrong relationships.

It’s easy for a girl to get sex if she wants, I don’t need to teach that. So the next post will just focus finding guys that are the marrying types.

Key points from this post:

• 
  Success in relationships is not random, there are certain strategies that work better than others.
• 
  You can have control and power over success with the other sex and in your relationships.
• 
  Understand yourself.
• 
  Have an objective in your mind, what do you want?
• 
  All relationships either end one day or end in marriage.
• 
  Unless you just want sex, find guys that will actually marry you (refer to point above if you’re confused as to why). Everything in between is potentially messy and painful.

July/ Chapter 11: Stringers

Most girls think the worst type of guy is the player, they sleep around or chat up multiple women but have no intension of ever starting a relationship with the woman. But actually the most "dangerous" type of men is the stringer.

Stringers are men that string women along in a long term relationship, and they will actually like the girl. They like to have the comfort of a woman next to them, sleeping with their girlfriend, eating with their girlfriend, and possibly living with her. But they will never make a real commitment, have zero intension of getting married and are totally indecisive till given an ultimatum. . Stringers are all over the place, hard to spot and could be responsible for girls ending up single for life. It’s a pretty serious issue.

Sounds scary? It sure is, but I'll explain over the next few posts what girls can do to remove the stringer problem.

A player hits on a girl and then moves on to his next target. Either he doesn’t succeed or he sleeps with the girl and then loses interest after a short period of time. But a player can only do limited damage, because he doesn’t waste too much of a girl’s time.

Most stringers on the other hand can be very decent boyfriend for many years, they will string the girl along for as long as possible till she finally breaks up with him because she realizes he will not marry her. The stringer is a lot more dangerous than a player because he will con a woman into wasting their time during the years when she is the most attractive and most likely to get a marriage proposal.

About 8 months ago I actually fell out with one of my friends because he started dating a mutual female friend of ours. My guy friend was a player, but I wasn’t judging him on that. I can’t go around judging all my guy friends for how they treat girls or I would have very few guy friends. But what I couldn’t stand was the fact that he specifically told me he would never marry the girl, but went ahead anyway and started a relationship. He thought the girl was great to him and very comfortable to be with, but he also thought she was not marriage material for him.

She wasn’t marriage material in his mind because the girl came from a wealthy family, and she quit her job because she was tired of her job. She had the luxury to do so because her family could provide for her, but in his mind this meant she was lazy and if they had a family he would be under pressure to be the sole breadwinner. He also didn’t feel that the girl could provide the type of support he needed to push him forward in his own career. Anyway, whatever the reason may have been, the guy had already analyzed the situation in his head, and decided to date her, but would never marry her.

Now, obviously things can change, maybe she’s been so nice to him he has a change of heart. I hope he will change his mind and all the best of luck to them. But as I will explain in later posts, a stringer doesn’t settle down just because a girl is good to him, and a stringer will rarely change.

Stringers are not necessarily bad people, many don’t even know how much damage they are doing to a girl’s future. Some guys just need more time, but here’s the strange thing. A lot of stringers will date one girl for years and will not commit, then he’ll find a new girl and propose to her within a year.

So there are three things girls can do to deal with stringers, and we'll examine them in later posts:

Avoid stringers altogether by only dating the marrying types.

If you think you are already dating a stringer, then give him an ultimatum.

Change yourself to make the stringer want to marry you.

July/Chapter 10: Soul Mates

Having talked to quite a lot of people, I've realized that many people are still single now because they’re waiting to find a soul mate. Not many people specify they are looking for one, but judging from what people want and the type of perfection many need, we’re talking about soul mate territory. There’s nothing wrong with looking for a soul mate but I think some people have the wrong expectations of what a soul mate really is.

Ok, first of all let’s define what a soul mate is. The classic definition is someone’s other half, their twin soul, which the person is driven to find to feel complete. More generally a soul mate is someone with whom one has deep feelings of love, intimacy, friendship, sexuality, spirituality, and general compatibility. Basically, it’s a best friend who you also love and have good sex with.

There might be hundreds of people out there who could be potential soul mates for each of us. So how come some people search all their lives and never find a soul mate? That includes many that are already married.......

Well one of the main problems is timing. Someone that might be your soul mate at a certain point in time might just be a heart break if you meet them at the wrong time. That’s one of the reasons why I said it’s a bad idea to start a relationship with anyone that’s got a lot of disposable income but under 30 (usually bankers and lawyers). It’s not that no bankers get married before 30, since every guy’s different. It’s just that the average marrying age is so much higher. So a girl would have to risk years in a relationship with someone that might end up not being ready at all.

Another mistake people make is they believe that a life with a soul mate is easy and natural, and their personalities should easily click. Some people start looking for perfection in their partners, and think that everything in the relationship should click. They feel that with the right person they won’t have problems, and these same people are setting themselves up for big disappointments and potentially an even bigger loss.

People create excuses to bail out of an unhappy relationship or even a happy one because they think their partner isn’t their soul mate. I am certain many people have found their soul mates already and broken up with them because they keep looking for even better, ie something that doesn’t even exist. Being with anyone after a long time requires a lot of work, because arguably human beings are not designed to be together for multiple years without friction or problems. So those that give up on a relationship just because problems develope have probably already said bye to their soul mate.

There can be external temptations. The reason guys find it hard to settle down in a big city is because of the abundance of good looking girls. A guy might already have a great girlfriend but then meets what seems to be an amazing girl. With a new person things always seem great at the start, but there’s a difference between an infatuation that wears off later, and someone that can already be trusted.

You can’t find your soul mate if you haven’t found yourself. Lots of people don’t even understand themselves well enough, and think they’ve found a soul mate when the person is totally not right for them. It’s one of the main reasons why divorce rates are higher for couples that marry younger.

.

A soul mate is about finding a best friend and partner, it's not about using someone. So the gold diggers and players out there will never find a soul mate until they've learnt that the person they're with is not a free dinner or one of many people they are intimate with.

Finally a soul mate is someone we can be completely honest with. Someone we trust to love us for who we are and not who we pretend to be. There are no secrets and hidden agenda with a true partner in life, and that’s why most married couples are not soul mates. Most people have too much to hide even from their spouse.

Interview with trader girl

Below is a discussion I had with trader girl. Trader girl works in the finance industry and obviously a trader. Smart, attractive and knows what the relationship scene is like, and she's pretty picky about her guys. But who can blame her?

Trader girl: So how has it been here? Anything exciting, you've been going out a lot?

CB: Yeah, a bit. Went to Taipei and hooked up with "Ms player' again. Junk trips, usual clubbing etc

Oh that’s right...how was Taipei? Assuming u had a blast…..miss player...hahhaa. Actually in Vancouver there are loads of playettes. So weird, a lot of my guy friends has had their girlfriends cheat on them or dump them

Interesting, and this is the Asian community?

Correct. I think it all comes down to choices. When there are more choices, or all choices are of the same caliber then you'll be more like to stray.

I don't get why girls cheat. Doesn't make much sense, leaving the guy makes more sense

Why do men cheat...isnt it the same thing ?

Different, men are genetically driven to wanna have sex with lots of women. Women are designed to find the best man. So if a man isn't worth sticking with, might as well dump him.

Well, thats the thing though isn't it, I tell u why women cheat. We may be interested in another guy because he's better in some way..ie better looking, smarter, richer or whatever. But we might feel secure with our man and women need security. So we cheat, sex may not be the driver, but it still ends up witth the same result

Yeah, most girls I know seem to have overlapping relationships. They won't leave the first guy till they're firm with the new one.

Yup, so women still cheat...for different reasons though, but the pain i'm sure is just as bad.

--------------

How old is Ms Player?

27, turning 28 this yr

Oh that ain’t young either. I was thinking she must be young, Good for her, i like that in a girl, finally someone not desperate for a dude

All about power

Women here are powerless and they're pathetic

lol, that bad huh?

Well they use sex to get power. ie to get a man to fall in love with them and give them money and buy them stuff. But that to me isn’t real power

Why's that?

A guy who’s rich, has the ability to dump the chick, he has the choice to walk away. Let’s face it, when the guy gets sick of u, he trashes you. What can you do? Beg him back?

But so can the girl (walk away) if she's hot enough to get multiple rich guys

She has to fuck undesirable guys. That’s like a hooker.

So what's real power?

When you’re the one that has the money or controls the relationship because then it’s your choice.

With your level of insight into relationships you find it hard to find a guy you like?

I rarely like a guy....

Figured

*When I thought about it, I knew tons of girls that were good looking, were rich or had good careers, or both. But they were all single, and that was interesting material for a new post.

July/ Chapter 9: Psychological Projection

Psychological projection is a defense mechanism in which one attributes one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts and emotions to others. The theory was first developed by Sigmund Freud.

Projection is related to denial, where by the person involved is effectively denying a part of themselves that might otherwise cause tremendous anxiety. Take for example a person in a couple that has thoughts of infidelity. If the person’s own value system feels that infidelity is wrong then to consciously deal with these thoughts would create anxiety. In order for the mind to avoid this anxiety the person will keep the thoughts in the subconscious and project the feelings onto their partner.

So the person with thoughts of infidelity will then assume his or her partner has thoughts of infidelity and might be having an affair. In a way it’s a denial and pushing the blame game, but it’s totally subconscious and the person doesn’t even know they’re doing it.

The original theory focused on feelings that was shameful, obscene or dangerous, but to a certain degree we all project on to others thoughts that might create anxiety if we were consciously aware of them.

When it comes to relationships it generally happens when there’s a problem with the relationship. The most common example is at the beginning or at the end. At the beginning girls generally do it more than guys, but which ever party has stronger feelings will often use projected feelings. Lets say there’s a critical flaw in your partner, for example he specifically does not want to settle down, or she’s a manipulative user, a quality that makes a future together either a very bad idea or impossible. A person that likes the other party very much will project their feelings and won’t see the other person objectively, in fact in most cases will only chose to see the good points in what would otherwise be a flawed partner.

The reason this type of projection occurs is because there is conflict between the reality "my partner is not nice" vs the internal expectation "I like someone who will be nice to me, and I like this person hence this person must be nice". To remove the conflict you'll have to either stop liking the person or live in a state of denial, for both statements to remain in the conscious will create anxiety.

Now no one’s perfect but if the other person has some major flaw then it’s best to communicate this with them and see if they can change. If not then it’s just a waste of time and you will get hurt more falsely projecting your feelings on to them.

Usually prior to the end of relationship people do the same, but in the reverse manner. People will project negative feelings onto the partner, usually because the relationship has become boring, or the person is not happy about some aspect of life in general. The partner will then suddenly acquire qualities that are unfairly negative, such as overweight and not as attractive as before, has annoying habits, or plain annoying.

So whether at the beginning or after a long period in a relationship, it’s important to be objective with what your partner is really like, and not to let emotions cloud you see your own relationship. If they indeed do have a flaw then communicate this with them, and if they can’t change then leave them. But if they don’t have a flaw and you’re just projecting it on to them, then it might just be because you’re not happy about something in your own life and things need to change there

July/ Chapter 8: Sexual Dysfunction part 2

Sexual addiction is the behaviour of someone that exhibits extremely high sex drive, and this manifests in the form of an obsession or addiction to sex with many partners, including prostitutes for some individuals. Now unlike someone that is just highly sexually active, sex addiction is like other psychological addictions where the individual is unwilling or unable to stop the behaviour despite harmful consequences.

Sex addiction affects both sexes, and can affect people of all social classes, and ethnicity. Now it's important for the person affected to know they're not a bad person, it's just a problem millions of people also suffer from. But it should be a problem that is identified and tackled because it affects relationships with those around them (friends, family) and also affects their ability to hold down a proper relationship.

The problem is generally caused by low self esteem, which could have arisen from neglect or sexual abuse as a child. If a child is neglected then it can grow up with unhealthy and negative core self beliefs. When he or she grows up then they will believe people in the world don't care about them.

The irony is that a sex addict might feel desperately lonely, but because they fear or do not believe in intimacy, they will distance themselves from a partner and have problems with keeping a relationship going. After a while the person becomes addicted the rush of meeting and having sex with new partners.

That's because they've become addicted to the brain chemicals linked to sex. For example, dopamine is released during intimate and sexual activity, and serotonin is released during orgasm. After the chemical hit though the sex addict will then fear or disbelieve intimacy can form with the person they've had sex with.

There are self-help groups to deal with sex addiction such as sex addicts annonymous or sexaholics annonymous. Therapists will use individual as well as group therapy, and focus on cognitive behavioural therapy, which focuses on changing a person's assumptions, beliefs and thus behaviour.

It's important for a sex addict to get help from an experienced and trained counsellor. But that's also rare because similar to a drug addict, a sex addict will rarely seek help unless they hit bottom and feel some sort of despair.

The last form of sexual dysfunction I'll talk about is called Delayed ejaculation. It's basically the inability or extreme difficulty in achieving orgasm, despite the presence of normal sexual desire, and sexual stimulation. Normally a guy can cum in just a few minutes, but someone with delayed ejaculation can take 30-45 min, or even longer.

Now, this might be sound like heavenly bliss for a girl, and a sure way for a girl to get mulitple orgasms. Perfect if you're fuck buddy has this problem, but it can lead to problems in a long term relationship. Firstly the girl will feel that for some reason she's unable to make her man cum and that could affect her self esteem. Secondly, if you want to have kids this could be a serious barrier.

The main reason for delayed ejaculation is adaptation to a certain masturbatory technique. Most guys with delayed ejaculation have no problems cumming during maturbation, but fail during sex. That's because they've gotten used to the pressure, angle and grip during masturbation which is hugely different from the feeling during intercourse.

There could also be physical causes such as certain neurological diseases, or trauma to the nerves in the pelvic region. Anti-depressants and the excessive use of alcohol could also cause this problem.

Assuming the cause is the first reason I've stated, to prevent the problem the guy simply needs to stop masturbating for a long period of time and get used to the feeling of just stimulation from normal sex. The guy also needs to have a healthy view towards sexuality because any anxiety or fears could cause this problem. Finally, a guy should just enjoy the experience rather than worrying if he's going to cum or not.