Relationships in Hong Kong

How not to become a man's mistress

2010-02-19T19:51:00.002+08:00

So the other day whilst out on a date with my girlfriend (yeah I’m going out with a girl now) she mentioned something I found pretty interesting. When she was single about half the guys that were hitting on her were married or had girlfriends. Half! That’s fucking huge!

In addition to that two other girls told me they had “a lot” of female friends that have had affairs with married men and got burnt as a result, and specifically requested this note. So I figured maybe I should write such a note. If you’re tagged in this note it doesn’t mean you date married men or guys with girlfriends. But you may have a female friend that has in the past, or still does so you might want to pass it on.

Just a couple of disclaimers:

To all the ladies and especially my girlfriend who care about a lot and I hope is not freaked out by the title. I picked the title only because it will get attention: I am writing this series of notes (The Anti-Game) to help women. This note goes into a very detailed analysis of why men cheat. It explains exact moves, lies, manipulative techniques, and thought processes. Now just because I am writing all this, it doesn’t mean I am going to cheat on my girlfriend or my future wife. Having the ability to do something and doing something are two different things. I’m a big guy and if I got in a fist fight with most guys I can probably kill a man, but that doesn’t mean I get into fights. I am able to read human psychology well, and just sharing this information with you so you or your friends don’t get played.

To any men that cheat and clicked on this note: “Don’t hate the player, hate the game”. If you clicked on this note I have no fucking idea if you cheat or not. No names are mentioned in this note, so if you get butt hurt reading it, it’s not me judging you, it’s your conscience judging yourself. If you don’t like it, know this. My dad cheated on my mum when I was 3, and I haven’t seen him in 28 years. So if you want to cheat then that’s your call, but don’t get butt hurt when your wives divorces you, and you never get to see your kids ever again. We make our own choices in life and we have to live with them.

Ok, so why do men cheat?

Men cheat because we’re biologically driven to spread our seed. Just think of animal planet or national geographic. The male deer/ lion/ human that have the most females will have the most offspring and thus will pass on more of their genes.

Women that cheat, cheat for a different evolutionary reason to men. Women are geared to find the strongest male they can get, so if the male they’re currently with turns out to be “not good enough”, a woman that cheats will often start looking around whilst keeping the original male hooked to provide a sense of security. There are a lot of women that do this, so don’t assume it’s only men that play women.

Note that men may cheat even if they’re happily married because they simply want extra sexual variety. They’re usually not looking to move on to the next woman, and that’s the key difference between men and women. Women cheat to look for better quality, men tend to cheat for sexual variety.

You might think that’s wrong because we’re not animals……..but we are, humans are just animals with a bigger brain than most other animals. The sad thing is even if you teach humans the right morals, humans will still often do selfish shit or stupid things that hurt ourselves because of our nature. Yes, we’re all pretty much mentally retarded and need a slap in the face once in a while.

But when it comes to men generally the more successful and powerful a man is the more likely he is to cheat. Just think of Bill Clinton, David Letterman, Tiger Woods, Hugh Grant, and sadly even the great Martin Luther King. All highly successful, hence all attract many women, all biologically driven to spread their seed and all cheat like crazy. I could come up with a list of men about a mile long, and those are just the guys that got caught.

It’s not just celebrities either. Bankers, lawyers, successful businessmen, male models, basically any man that can attract a lot of women is more likely to cheat because he has more options.
On the other end of the spectrum I know plenty of nice guys that can’t even get a date with a girl because they just don’t know how. Don’t ask me to introduce them to you, you won’t like them, and you might be bored out of your fucking mind on a date with one of these guys. In fact these guys are easy to find, and much less likely to cheat because they don’t have the option to cheat. But few women feel chemistry or attraction for them.

Women tend to gravitate to stronger males. So basically the top 10% of the male population are dating, and sleeping around with probably 50% of the women. The next 50% of the male population are dating the other 50% of the women, and something in the region of 40% of the men out there rarely have the chance to date any women.

So does that mean there are no faithful AND successful men out there? No of course not. Men have a responsibility to police themselves. If I was married and some hot girl flirted with me I have the ability to fight against my animal instincts. It’s called self control and not succumbing to temptation. Actually you might want to help your man police himself by sticking a GPS tracking device on his penis, but might be a bit contentious!

Fewer and fewer people these days exercise self control. Many people these days just go with their feelings without thinking about the consequences of their actions, which is why the dating scene has changed so much (for the worse) in the last 50 years.

But what’s more interesting is why do SOME women pick men that already have wives and girlfriends?

Well first of all they see a successful guy, and the see that he’s already been picked by another woman so obviously has something going for him, and then for some reason forget that the guy is CHEATING!

Women tend to be born with two weaknesses, and it’s the same two weaknesses that causes women to pick bad men in general. I strongly suggest you write down these two weaknesses and remember them for life, and share them with your friends and your daughters.

1) Many women would like to think they are so special they can change a man. Women with this weakness think they can turn an asshole into a good partner, or a married man will drop his wife and kids just for her, because she’s special and able to beat the odds.

2) Many women when they start to feel attracted they no longer see a man for who he really is, but see him for who they want him to be. They create a fairy tale in their head and see the guy as who they want him to be in this fairy tale, instead of objectively looking at the guy as who he really is with all his fucked up flaws.

Men who play women know of these two weaknesses and they do something that effectively play off these two natural weaknesses. They do their best to try to prove to women that there’s hope for a future together, and that’s where the manipulation starts to come in.

A man that’s looking to cheat will usually disclose at the beginning that he already has a wife or girlfriend. Sure some cheating men hide this fact, but men who know how to cheat know if the new girl finds out he’s lying then the chances of having an extended relationship is gone.

Another reason to disclose he already has a partner is to disarm the girl he’s going after and make the girl trust him. He wants the girl to know he is not lying about this particular point, and since he is already taken the irony is the woman will tend to relax and have her guard down compared to say if she met a guy that’s obviously making a blatant approach which immediately raises her defenses.

Once the man has disclosed he already has a partner he then hangs out with the girl he’s after to flirt and show his value. Men that already have women are often attractive because they are confident. They are confident because they have someone at home to fall back on if they fail, so they don’t act all desperate about a girl the way a single guy might act.

The man will then use the woman’s lowered guard to get closer and treat her really well, be charming and show his “nice” side.

Then once he feels the girl is showing some initial attraction he throws in the deceptive line.

“I don’t think I love my wife anymore”

Or

“Things are not working out with my girlfriend. I might break up with her soon”

Now the man might truly have fallen out of love with his wife, but it’s still deception. It’s deceptive because he not really thinking of leaving his wife, he just makes it seem like he will.

The lie is thrown out for two reasons.

1) It gives the new girl hope he’s going to leave his previous partner pretty soon, for her.

2) It removes a lot of the guilt the girl feels for being with a guy that already has a partner. By telling her things are not good with his wife and girlfriend anyway, she feels she’s not the one breaking up the previous relationship.

Once the hope is thrown out there and the man starts having a sexual relationship with the new woman, the new woman usually becomes emotionally attached and left hoping, whilst the man is well……..spreading his seed.

Know this.

When it comes to guys with girlfriends: Whilst some men with girlfriends leave the old girlfriend for a new girlfriend, most don’t, and can you really trust a guy that’s cheating? If he’s doing that to another person, can you really trust that he won’t do it to you in future? Shouldn’t you find a guy that has the guts to leave his previous girlfriend before looking for a new one?

When it comes to men with wives: Most men that are married will never leave their wives for a mistress. Most married men that are cheating are trying to get sex on the side, because they’re bored of having sex with the same woman for so long and want variety. But they have too much to lose if they leave the first woman. They will break up their own family or end up in a messy divorce and lose a lot of $.

So basically men that are cheating are throwing hope out there for women that respond to this hope, so they can then have sex with these women. It’s like there are all these invisible fishing lines flying through the air, with hope acting as the bait, and once in a while a woman that’s insecure and lonely takes the bait and then the guy’s in.

But I’m sorry ladies. I can’t just put the blame on men. If you have a relationship with a married man then the chances are you already knew he was married. No one put a fucking gun to your brain and told you to do it.

I can think of hundreds of things in life that are dangerous. They include:
1) Skiing down Mount Everest wearing a bikini.
2) Covering yourself in honey and wrestling a bear.
3) Cutting yourself all over then jumping into a shark infested ocean.
4) Running naked through the streets of Islamabad with a sign on your ass that says “Smack this booty!”

Oh and one more:

5) Getting involved and then emotionally attached with a married man.

If you want an attractive male then go find your own man, not some other woman’s man. You need to shape up and get some self respect for yourself and give some to your female peers.

Now if you have a problem doing that because you’re lonely and you get emotionally attached easily then remember you are not going to live forever. You will die one day, so I think loneliness is not your only problem. Since you’re going to die soon then maybe happiness should be your main aim in life and you are not going to get it with a man that’s already taken.

Sorry for that reality bitch slap but really if you want help that’s pretty much the only help I can give. What else can I add on top of the common sense issue of not going for married men? At least now you know how the game is run, so the next time a married man is hitting on you, just throw your drink in his face and tell him to fuck off home to his wife.

Wow, just wow. Check this video out. This girl is lame.

2010-02-16T13:12:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuRoRY1WGoY

This decade I will turn 40..........WTF.........ah!!!!

2010-01-02T12:16:00.002+08:00

As I was waiting for the arrival of 2010 just a couple of days ago a rather scary thought popped into my mind. At some point near the end of this decade I will turn 40. Not only that, if this decade passes as fast as the last decade then it's going to happen in a blink of an eye.

I can't escape it............I AM GETTING OLD.

Not so old that I'm going to end up in a wheelchair with a nurse to wipe my bum. I can look forward to that in a few more decades. But I'm getting old enough to grow manboobs, get a fat ass, grow a beer gut and turn into an Asian Jabba the hut. (who am I kidding, that already happened last decade)

Now don't laugh at me, because if I'm friends with you then you're in the same boat, and this note is to make sure this year you actually do something productive with your life, because if you don't then death and decay will surely follow.

If you're a man then this is the decade where you realize you can't play sports the way you used to. You're going to envy the young lads that still have it, and the only sports you'll be doing if you're not careful is flipping through the pay per view channels on a Sunday afternoon.

If you're a woman you're not in a good position either. Don't hate me for pointing out reality. But you're probably going to start growing a beard this decade.

So let's just all age the best way we can by following the resolutions below.

1) Get ripped
Last decade was the decade of decadence and debauchery. It was the decade of beer and big macs. No fucking way am I doing the same this decade. This decade we're getting ripped. This is the decade where we stop pointing out that we need to finish our food because there are starving kids in Africa. This is the decade where we stop paying for gym memberships that we never use. This is the decade where we tell ourselves, "No pain, no gain!"

If you don't:
Get into a regular exercise routine or you will probably die from heart diease. Or worse, you start to grow a fat ass that starts to sag, and when you go to the beach young kids will point at you and laugh.

2) Eat healthy
Eating healthy goes hand in hand with getting fit. The only thing I have issue with is that eating healthy costs a lot more and actually takes effort to go shop in the right places. But if you refer to point 3, then the highers costs won't be a problem this decade.

One upside to eating healthy is that a lot of the dishes requires that you cook yourself. That's good whether you're a woman or a man. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and chicks dig men that can cook. So thumbs up all around if you're a good cook.

If you don't:
You'll probably develop high blood pressure, and die from a heart attack whilst having sex. Although that might be a good way to go.

3) Get filthy rich
If you're a man, then building your personal empire is your prerogative this decade. How rich you are will determine whether you are a winner or loser in society. So short of beating up a old Granny and stealing her purse then anything goes.

That means you should become a lawyer, banker, life insurance salesman, develop some pyramid scheme or some ponzy scheme and rip off your own friends.

If you're a woman then marry a rich man (like Tiger Woods) and document his infidelity. Then take half his shit.

If you don't:
If you're single and a man, this is the decade where you either get rich and meet a fine woman, or you might as well download porn for the rest of your life. Let's face it, you might have been handsome and poor before, but once you're an old fart and poor, women won't even bother to talk to you.

If you're a woman...........Men are cheating scumbags anyway. So you might as well rip them off. Just remember to do it AFTER you marry them, the number of gold diggers that think it's smart to do it before getting married makes me sick.

4) Learn how to be beautiful
This doesn't apply to most of the women I know because most of them are stunningly beautiful anyway. This just applies to the men.

Fly over to Korea and get some really cheap skincare products. Then get your ass down to Bangkok and find some ladyboy that teaches you how to make yourself look even more beautiful than 90% of the women out there.

Even better, if you're old and ugly you can just stay in Thailand and spend the rest of your life hugging a ladyboy who will love you only because your money goes a long way in Thailand.
If you don't:

You're going to end up like Mickey Rourke. Once a handsome stud, now they find him everytime they need someone for the role of a freak.

5) Learn something fun, and interesting every year.

None of us are going to live forever so we might as well fit as much as possible into our lives, and do some fun and exciting stuff. This year we're going to learn how to scuba dive. Next year we will go skydiving and shoot some videos of cool moves we do in the air, etc.

If you don't:
Nothing bad will happen. But instead of turning into an old fart, you'll be a boring old fart.

6) Get married
If you're a woman and you want to get married, that's normal, it's practically programmed into your genes. However, I will just add, if you really want to get married then you better use logic and strategy to get a man to settle down, rather than get swept away in feelings and getting played. This is real life, and not a chick flick, so be goal orientated.

I'm a man, I am ready to get married now. If you're a woman send me your contact details, or introduce your single friends to me. I'm serious, THIS IS NOT A JOKE!

If you don't:
Fear of commitment.......this applies to men a lot more than women. If you think it's cool to be single, think again. The freedom you have now will soon turn into a curse. All your close friends will be married, and when you walk into a bar the kids will laugh at you. After 40 if you've never been married women will think you're a weirdo that can't connect with women in a lasting relationship, or you just like to play with little boys, and they're probably right.

Above all else, you're going to get old. That means you want to have a woman around so she takes care of your old sorry ass.

7) Procreate
When I was younger I used to think I would have 2 kids, a boy and a girl. Or maybe 3 kids, 2 boys, 1 girl. Why 2 boys? I want them to learn how to kick the shit out of each other so they know how to protect themselves, and learn the essence and important of competition rather than turn into a spoilt brats.

These days I look at my friends who have kids and I realize it's not an easy task. When you have a baby, you've basically given life to a mini asshole, a selfish prick that cries when you don't feed it, shits all over the place, and doesn't even allow you to sleep at night.

To make matters worse, the little fucker will leech off you for the next 21 years, and will probably hate your guts for teaching him/her the smart way to live life.

If you don't:
Having a kid is a pain in the ass. But as with point 6, the loss of freedom isn't really a loss, the reward comes back years later when you have a loving family around you. This is especially true when you've got shit dribbling down your leg, then you can get the lazy asshole that's now grown up to clean you up instead.

So my words of wisdom for this holiday season. Good luck getting old this decade!

The biggest piece of crap I found on the internet

2009-12-02T00:18:00.002+08:00

The first part of the note is the original piece of crap. You may have read it before because it's been floating around the internet and facebook. The second part is my response to it, and if you've read any of my stuff you'll know you'll either laugh at my response or find it vulgar (you have been warned):

TO EVERY WOMEN WHO'RE WORTH A LOT........AND EVERY MAN WHO NEEDS TO KNOW

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question, "What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "Do you really want to know?"

Reluctantly, he said "Yes."

She began to expound..., "As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man….. or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, what can you bring to the table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You’re asking a lot."

She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

To every woman who're worth a lot.... and every man who needs to know.

_________________________________________________________________

To the girls:

The fantasy:

The man is perfect in every aspect of his life
Perfect mentally
Good conversationist
Spiritual
Financially perfect
Knows what a woman goes through
Sensitive
Someone that can be respected
You forgot to add, faithful, not butt ugly and relatively tall

The reality:

Such a man, if he exists is either gay or in a relationship already, because if he's that special you can be sure his girlfriend guards him like the holy grail and will fend off all you other girls from a mile away.

The other 99.9% of men out there lack most of these qualities:

Perfect mentally: Lol, wtf does this mean anyway? I've heard of smart, but perfect mentally? I know plenty of guys that are totally mental. Is that anything close?

Good conversationist: Most guys are full of brain farts. Or they're full of shit. If a guy is a really smooth talker you can be sure he's trying to sweet talk mulitple girls into bed.

Spiritual: I respect religion so I won't mess around with this. But most girls can't even find a nice guy. You sure you can find a spiritual guy that's got the other qualities?

Financially perfect: Again wtf does this mean? If it means what I think it means then only Bill Gates and Warren Buffet qualify. Are you sure you want to have sex with a nerd or a man born in 1930? The rest of us go from slightly imperfect but able to buy you bottles in a club to dish washers in the back of a resturant.

Knows what a woman goes through: He must be gay

Sensitive: Gay, or a player trying to get into your pants

Someone that can be respected: Most men are either emasculated and weak versions of our former, hunter, warrior race. Which is why women called them nice guys, pat them on the back, friend zone them and then complain there are no nice guys.

Or

They're strong, don't get pushed around, don't grovel for a woman's attention, are not needy, are not clingy, respect themselves. But they're sleeping around.

Physical aspects: As for the rest of men, they're either too short, look like a car ran over their face, or their penis are so small when they put it in the girl asks "Is it in yet?"

The reality is, we're not perfect. The above list is the equivalent of a man asking for a super hot girl, with a perfect body, smart, nice personality, has a good sense of humor, caring, not a gold digger, and willing to cook, clean and handwash the skid marks off our underwear.

Deal with it, or stay single forever chasing ghosts. By that I mean either compromise or raise your own level.

To the men:

Just get perfect in bed. Then you can bang your girlfriend so hard and so long she orgasms multiple times. When she's mumbling or screaming, the last thing she'll want is mental stimulation or good conversation.

By Willie Booker (you know the deal, copy and paste then forward if you found it funny) You can slap me (on my bum) if you didn't.

The night I caught the flu

2009-11-11T08:41:00.001+08:00

Ladies and gentlemen

Let me explain something to you.

Most of the problems you have as a result of the opposite sex can be avoided if simply if you listened your to better judgement instead of throwing caution to the wind by following your primal desires.

The weekend I just had was a perfect example. It started pretty innocently on Friday night......

Friday night 10 pm: Met up with a friend and took her to my friend's bday party in a private club where everyone seemed to be having a lot of fun. I was meant to be on a diet and off alcohol for the next month. However seeing how everyone was having so much fun I told myself a vodka tonic couldn't hurt, I mean I wasn't exactly ordering a pint of beer.

Two hours later I had finished my 5th Vodka tonic and this should have been a warning to myself that I had zero willpower and self control, and should avoid all risky endeavors for the night.

Midnight: Leave my friend's bday party and meet up with this girl I met two weeks ago. She was with her cousins and friends and we all go to a relatively packed and pumping club.

00:15am: The girl buys me my 6th Vodka tonic. Normally I wouldn't dream of letting a girl buy me drinks but since she knows the bartenders and can get the drinks for dead cheap I oblige.

00:30am: Her cousin's fiance's cousin (I know it's confusing), this really short, ugly, annoying guy who obviously doesn't know how to pick up women starts trying to drag me across the club, telling me how he was going to teach me the art of pick up.

I didn't think this was a good idea since I wanted to chat to the girl I came with, plus I didn't think it was a good idea to let women see me walking around with this guy.

00:40am: Girl tells me her face is getting really hot, and that she had a fever earlier in the morning. I touch her head and indeed her forehead was sizzling. I told her she shouldn't be out and maybe she should go home, but she insists she's fine. I proceed to rub ice cubes over her face. I wasn't sure if this was a good move or not but I don't care anymore because I am on my 7th vodka.

01:15am: Head to the dancefloor with the girl. The dancefloor was packed which meant I was pressed close to her. Perfect! We started grinding and I was getting seriously turned on, plus I realized if I wanted to I could easily kiss her. But then I remembered she had a fever and it would obviously be a bad idea to make out with a girl that was ill.

Normally it would be easy to make the right choice. But after 7 vodka tonics, my brain decided the choice wasn't that easy. In fact, I started having an internal monologue about the merits of making out with a girl that was obviously not feeling well. It went something like this:

Good Willie: Don't you dare touch her lips. You'll get sick.

Bad Willie: Dude, her mouth is about 6 inches away from your mouth. This might be your only chance so just go for it.

Good Willie: She's running a fever. You know one of the early symptoms of the Ebola virus is a high fever?

Bad Willie: Put your hand on her butt, you can't catch a virus via hand to butt contact.

Good Willie: Willie, you're obviously desperate or a manwhore.

Bad Willie: Oh come on. She's wearing a short miniskirt and she's looking hot. Any normal guy given the circumstances would put his hand on her ass. (proceeds to start kissing her neck)

Good Willie: Don't kiss her lips! You will regret it tomorrow!

Bad Willie: uh huh, whatever. Talk to the hand, bitch.

01:16am: After 20 seconds of internal monologue, start making out with the girl.

02:30am: Go and grab some food. Kiss the girl some more.

03:30am: Move to Prive, when we get there it's relatively empty and I'm not surprised. There was this stench of puke towards the left side of the club. Someone obviously couldn't handle their alcohol, and considering how packed Prive normally is, I couldn't help but imagine this girl or guy puking up all over a bunch of people.

03:45am: The annoying guy that wanted to teach me how to pick up girls arrives at Prive. He didn't leave with us because he was trying to pick some girl up. Now he was at the front, trying to get in and with this buck toothed pork chop who was all excited, probably because she hasn't been picked up in over two years.

I don't want to be mean, but this girl was so ugly even the girl I was with commented on how she was getting goose bumps.

04:15am: Prive is officially dead and they close the club earlier than usual.

04:30am: Annoying guy and bucked toothed pork chop go home in a cab..................I feel sick and almost puked up on the curb.

04:40am: Call it a night. Say bye to everyone, kiss the girl again and head on home.

Next morning...............

09:30: Wake up feeling like shit which is pretty normal after a big night out.

09:31: Check facebook.

10am: Wash my face, brush my teeth, take a dump. All the normal things people do in the morning.

11am: Go downstairs to eat breakfast.

Noon: Go back to sleep, had another party to go to later that night so wanted to be well rested.

4pm: Wake up and still feel shit. Which is not right because normally after an afternoon nap I stop feeling hung over and get on with my life again. But then I sneeze twice.....oh oh.

Good Willie: See I told you!

Bad Willie: STFU

5pm: I start having that feeling a person gets just before he gets sick. Kinda lightheaded, and a bit sore all over the body. But I decided it couldn't really be that bad. I mean I was drinking vodka, and alcohol kills germs right? There was no way I could have gotten sick by making out with the girl.

Never underestimate the power of denial..........

5:30pm: I head to the gym. I know it's not a good idea to work out if I'm feeling sick, but I needed to work off the calories from the night before. Besides, I wasn't sick, it was just my imagination..............right?

8pm: Back home from the gym and feel like shit. Take my temperature and it's 37.9 celcius. That's ok, right? I mean the normal body temperature is 37 degrees celcius.

9pm: 38.1 celcius. Oh shit, this isn't good. But I had another bday party to attend and I promised to go. Also sick girl was out again tonight and I wanted to see her again.

11pm: 38 celcius. Good, I'm getting better already. This is my greenlight for going out, life is too short to worry anyway...........

Day 3: 10am: I check my temperature and it's 38.3 celcius. I feel like shit and I'm burning up. I feel like calling my mum but I realize she lives over an hour away. I SMS sick girl and she tells me she just got back from the doctor and was running a high fever.

Good Willie:

Ladies and gentlemen

Let me explain something to you.

Most of the problems you have as a result of the opposite sex can be avoided if simply if you listened your to better judgement instead of throwing caution to the wind by following your primal desires.

How to never date a jerk ever again

2009-10-17T21:54:00.007+08:00

Ok so in the last post I tried to explain some of the reasons that lead to women falling for jerks. Here now are some of the solutions and things a woman needs to realize about herself if she wants to avoid dating jerks again.

1) Idealization. Idealization is the process in which a person once attracted starts looking through rose tinted glasses WAY TOO EARLY. I mean it's normal for people to become emotionally attached and to overall look problems in a partner later on. But when a woman gives a guy too much credit early on then she will miss glaring warning signals about the guy.

This usually happens because the woman is attracted to the guy, and doesn't want to acknowledge any information that might lead to disappointment. So basically by filtering out the warning signs that the guy might be a jerk, she creates the perception that the guy is Prince Charming in her own mind.

Stop watching chick flicks. Flawed men don't change like they do in the movies. They might fall in love and change for a short period of time, but because their personalities are naturally selfish they will also revert back to their selfish ways later. So observe carefully for warning signs, and don't over idealize.

A list of warning signs are in my book, so I don't want to repeat here.

2) Accelerated courtship. Again chick flicks and the love at first sight belief causes this problem and gets a lot of women in trouble.

The courtship process if anything should be slowed down, and used by a person (men or women) to critically assess if the other person is a going to be a good partner or not. Most people take things way too quickly these days. Many people these days have sex after 2 weeks and 3 dates, which means they often get emotionally attached before they've even gotten to know someone else properly.

By the time they've gotten to know the other person properly, ie find out the other person is a jerk, they're already emotionally attached because of this accelerated courtship and then they find it very hard to pull away, and chose to overlook a lot of problems in the relationship.

Basically rushing it at the start could mean you end up wasting years on a guy you otherwise wouldn't even have gone out with because if you hadn't rushed it you would have seen problems in the guy.

3) Confusing chemistry with knowing someone. I've heard many women go on about chemistry now, and I can tell you contrary to popular belief that chemistry is a terrible predictor of whether a man if going to be a good partner going forward. If chemistry was accurate then women would not feel chemistry for jerks, but many women have indeed felt chemistry for a guy that then turned out to be a nightmare boyfriend.

The reason this happens is because a lot of women are placing trust and chemistry on the wrong type of information from a guy, the most common mistakes are as follows:

a) The guy shares a lot with a woman about his personal feelings, so she feels like he's really opened up. Well guess what any human being including a jerk can open up about feelings. That doesn't mean the person isn't selfish.

To get past this, you still have to observe how the person really is, whether they are selfish, how they treated their ex girlfriends, how good is their relationship with their parents, etc. A naturally selfish person will talk badly about ex girlfriends, and usually talk badly about their parents.

b) A lot of couples spend a lot of time together doing stuff that are fun. They have so much fun together the woman places chemistry on their shared experience together. But again she doesn't actually know anything about the guy.

4) Repetition compulsion. This is probably the weirdest and most interesting phenonmenon, and I touched upon it slightly in the last post. If a woman had a bad father she is at risk of picking a man like her father when she grows up. Which is why women with abusive fathers often pick men that turn out to be abusive themselves, or if their fathers treated their mothers badly, cheated etc, divorced and gone, they are likely to be drawn to jerks.

The same happens if a woman gets hurt badly by a jerk and doesn't get over the pain of it. Then she will repeatedly be drawn to jerks and find even confident nice guys boring, or feel a lack of attraction.

The reason why this happens is this. The woman is naturally drawn to men like her father or like the ex that hurt her because she never truly got closure. Subconsciously without even realizing it, and even if she consciously tells herself she doesn't want to date jerks ever again, or men like her father, she's being drawn to these men in order to find closure. She wants to have a relationship with one of these men and actually make things work, which is a problem because a man with an unhealthy attitude to relationships can't be changed. So the girl gets hurt again and again, and her wounds get deeper, and she ends up seeking these men even more to get closure.

Remember all this is in the subconscious, the girl isn't even aware she's doing this and consciously she might even hate jerks. To the girl it just seems she has bad luck, or she'll start thinking all men are scum. But bring a nice guy alone and the girl will actually lose interest because she's used to chasing jerks and trying to change the jerk to get this closure.

To get over this problem the girl has to:

a) be aware of this weird subconscious act.

b) deal with the thing that was originally driving this behavior which is the pain caused by her father or the first boyfriend that hurt her badly, and let go of this pain. She has to truly grieve and acknowledge that her father or her ex did her wrong, and truly let out the pain and anger, and to have someone else listen to this pain and truly understand her.

That's basically what therapy does, and why people open up to tell a therapist their childhood problems. Until they're truly understood they will repeatedly perform the same irrational behaviors that hurt themselves.

When it comes to relationships, a woman needs to understand repetition compulsion and let go of the past if she's to stop being attracted to jerks.

Hope that helps you ladies out there.

Why you find normal guys boring and fall for jerks

2009-10-14T23:21:00.018+08:00

For the longest time I couldn't get it, and finally by researching for my book I find the reason why.

Some of you have told me your sob stories, how your ex was a jerk and logically you knew it, but for some reason you keep gravitating to the same type of guy.

To make matters worse some of you find normal guys boring, and keep dating jerks over and over again.

The reason is this:

Did your parents divorce when you were very young?

Did your father not give you much attention when you were a child?

Do you often find yourself feeling lonely?

Do you feel the need to get married badly?

By the way, my parents divorced when I was 3 and I haven't seen my real dad since so I'm not talking out of my ass and judging anyone here.

When it comes to women, if a woman was not given the right amount of attention as a kid from her father then she risks developing wrong perceptions towards relationships later in life. The reason is because a child that gets the right amount of attention from her parents do not seek that attention later on in life.

If a girl doesn't get the right type of attention from her father as a child then she will constantly be drawn to drama and seek out emotional validation in adult relationships.

The problem is she feels she has to seek that approval, if the approval is given to her naturally which a nice guy does then she will feel bored. It's the same as a child not respecting his/her parents if doted on all the time, whilst seeking them out if they don't get the required attention.

A jerk attracts such women because the jerk is constantly creating drama, treating the girl like crap, not showing he cares, or threatens to walk out of the relationship. So the girl will chase the guy to seek emotional validtion and in the process become dependent on the guy even though he's clearly treating her badly.

In other words the attachment and commitment a woman gives a man during marriage and a stable relationship works the other way around in an unhealthy relationship. It makes her attached to a jerk that's clearly treating her badly, and then she can't break away emotionally even if her head tells her otherwise.

Broken families is only one thing that leads to insecurities. Wanting to get married badly, always feeling lonely, etc, can all lead to bad relationship choices.

How to solve this issue? You play it safe with every guy you meet, and you do it by getting the order right:

Get to know him

Find reasons to trust him

Rely on him

Commit to him

Have sex

Many women these days have sex with a guy first before getting to know a guy, and then because she becomes hormonally and emotionally attached to the guy, she starts to trust the guy and rely on the guy when he doesn't even deserve it.

When you get to know someone first in the same way as a friend then you can see what their real personality is like. Your perception is not based on the sweet talk or the charm, which are elevated fake personalities to get a woman hooked in the first place.

When you accurately assess a guy, spot and DON'T OVERLOOK problematic behaviors, you then trust him, not the other way around because you are attracted to the guy and want to be with him.

When trust is built you can then safely rely on the guy. If you get the order wrong and you commit to him first, rely on the guy first, then he could be treating you like crap and you're just one of a dozen girls he's playing and you'll still pine after him.

Here's the really hard part. Have sex last. Why is it hard? Well you risk losing the guy and for that guy to walk out on you. Many women these days don't want to take that risk, or they feel attracted and went for it. But the thing is if a guy isn't even willing to stay with a girl for at least a month or two before she's observed him closely and walks off for the lack of sex, then you've got nothing to lose, since it was sex he was after in the first place.

Jerk thrive in the modern dating environment because many women no longer do this and have sex too early with a guy. What? You don't believe that a guy will hang around for an extended period of time before having sex? Well I'm pretty sure all the healthy relationships I've seen my friends in didn't start off with early sex.

It is a modern myth that guys will not chase a girl for a month or two without the reward of sex, and walks out because of the lack of sex. It's only the jerks that can't wait that long, and hence if you've always dated jerks then the best way to filter them out is have a guy chase you for a month without having sex with the guy. Take that month or two to really get to know the guy well.

Tough huh? Well, that's one of the reasons you might have a jerk for a boyfriend. The even tougher part is even if you are attracted in the first month or two, but you spot problematic behaviors, you have to have the guts to walk away from a guy you are otherwise attracted to.

Also, don't assume if a guy's nice or interesting, or fun, or has many friends he's going to be a good partner. Public persona and what a person's like privately in a relationship are two totally different things. After all most players I know have a lot of friends and are fun to be with.

You have to be willing to ditch a person you feel attraction and chemistry towards if you want to find a nice guy. Most jerks are attractive at the start then change to their real personality later. To spot the real deal you have to have time on your side.

When you have time on your side you have more strength to push for what you want. You either push for change or walk out on the guy. Leave that till later and you're emotionally attached and well............you'll be playing this song....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8XC7idFyvE

Bad boys come first, Gay men come second, Nice guys come last

2009-09-26T02:34:00.022+08:00

Ok I've seriously cut down on the partying and clubbing so I can focus on my writing, and just want to meet a girl I actually like. So tonight was a really surreal experience.

I went clubbing with 7 people tonight and one of the girls I kinda like but I can tell she just wasn't interested and when everyone spread out her and another girl went and spent the entire night with some guys I know that are players. Maybe they're just friends.

But get this.

Meanwhile as I was going wtf, the only gay guy in our group dances with loads of girls. So I start testing this all out. Bad boys > gay men > nice guys.

So I go hit on girls like I usually do and get responses.

Then I walk straight up to two girls say I'm 100% gay and make them laugh and get them to dance with me.

But then I act like a nice guy and crash and burn 100% of the time.

WOMEN ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO NICE GUYS!

Why the hell are all my female friends asking me to intro nice guys to them? If I introduce you to them you're going to complain they're friggin boring! At least ask for exactly what you want, ie NICE and CONFIDENT/FUN, but no one ever mentions the words confident or fun......

The reason there seem to be no nice (AKA nice and confident) guys out there is because if you cut out all the jerks and the nice "boring wimps". Then you got a small percentage of the men left, and most of those (since they respect women) are already in a commited relationship and not screwing around.

The reality is there are few nice guys that have a backbone. Most nice guys will jump when a woman goes "doggy, jump!". Whilst most of the men with backbones that don't fear the consequences of their actions, just don't give a crap about a woman's feelings.

If you want to find the type of man that's strong and interesting, but also a loving husband, like Mel Gibson's character in Braveheart (minus the kilt) you're going about it the wrong way if you think you can turn an outgoing jerk into one.

Love doesn't turn an asshole into a nice person. Well maybe for 2-3 years but not forever. Who the hell dreamt of the changing guy theory anyway? Hollywood?

So basically 100% of the single female population are competing for 2-3% of the single male population that are strong and nice at the same time. That's why there's a shortage of "nice" (aka Nice and confident) guys all over the world. That's why "there are no nice guys out there" is a complaint voiced by single women everywhere.

Solution? Everyone GO FOR THE GAY MEN!

(for the real solution you can contact me personally or just buy the friggin book when it comes out)

Book is done!

2009-09-25T11:47:00.001+08:00

If anyone has contacts in publishing in the UK or US please let me know.

The first half of my book explains how to spot jerks and how to avoid them. The second half of the book explains how to attract decent men, and the positive thinking processes required to get them.

The reason some girls stay single.......

2009-08-24T22:27:00.002+08:00

http://melodymaker.posterous.com/the-reason-some-girls-stay-single-very-funny

This is too funny, I was laughing so hard. At first I thought it must have been a fake but then I did some research and found this guy is for real........

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_N._Sears

Questions

2009-05-18T18:30:00.002+08:00

If any of you have specific questions about men or how men approach relationships, please ask here. Don't limit it to specifically Hong Kong. It should be a general question.

Please note if the question is good, I'll probably stick it in my book. Cheers

Free as a bird

2009-05-11T23:23:00.003+08:00

For those that don't know I quit my job just over a week ago, and yeah I was in the banking industry. I'm not raving mad, I'm quite familiar with what the job market's like right now.

Life's just too short to be miserable. Hence I'm now writing my book full time. Wish me luck, will come up with a post here later in the month when I'm taking a break from writing.

Apr/ Chapter 3: Quote of the day

2009-04-21T11:36:00.002+08:00

"If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with." Demi Moore, Indecent proposal

Although I hate to quote movies, this is a great quote, because it clearly explains one of the most important things about relationships for both men and women.

One of the secrets of being more attractive is if you don't actually worry about losing the other person. When a partner starts to withdrawl or not treat you well, it's more effective to be indifferent than to chase them and act insecure or needy. Of course if you really like them that's going to be hard to do, but that's where the secret lies.

The other side of following through with this is of course, if the other person doesn't really care about you then they won't chase anyway. That's not to say to everyone should dump their partners immediately to test this theory out. The point is, if the partner is lukewarm or not treating you well, you've got nothing to lose by dumping them.

Of course it's going to hurt, that's why it's important to focus on the point that you've got nothing to lose.

Apr/ Chapter 2: Cultural influence

2009-04-20T12:47:00.006+08:00

A couple of girls asked me if I felt HK girls are easy based on my last post about pick up artists. Obviously there's displeasure at any hint of that, and I understand so let me clear things up.

It depends on the definition of easy. A better way to explain it here in Asia is there's a skew. It's much easier for an elligible guy in Asia to meet and pick up many women, much easier than the West. The average guy however finds it much harder.

The skew is even greater in China or Taiwan. The problem is with the Chinese culture (and yes I'm Chinese, I'm not being racist) which gives people more pressure to find $ and get married than Western cultures that are more laid back about money and marriage.

Therefore eligible guys find it much easier to get a girl whether for the short term or a proper relationship because they can play on the desires of the girl. In the US a not very outgoing guy who actually has a decent job will find it much harder to find a decent girl compared to here.

On the other side of the scale many average Chinese guys can't afford to date HK girls, and/or they might be lacking in personality. So there's a horde of local guys that have gone to China to find wives. With the mass exodus, it skews the single and available sex ratio and makes the competition for elligible guys even tougher for the girls, and easier for the eligible guys.

Of course not even woman in Asia puts huge emphasize on a guys wealth but it doesn't matter if you don't, because other girls are competing with you. Women in Asia really should lower their standards on what the guy makes, and raise the standards on how men treat them and what those men can get away with.

If overnight all women dumped men that cheated, or treated their GFs poorly. You know what would happen? Men would fear not being able to find a gf or wife and behave better. As long as a large % of women are willing to put up with men behaving badly, then that ruins it for all women.

Apr/ Chapter 1: Speed seduction

2009-04-13T12:40:00.002+08:00

First, take a look at this program:

http://mytv.tvb.com/news/pearlreport/20558

The global pick up artist community has been steadily growing for a number of years now. For those that are not familiar with what pick up artists are or PUA, they are guys who go out of their way to deliberately learn what make women tick and how to chat them up.

The Chinese guys in the Pearl Report were really poor in my opinion, lacking confidence and couldn't talk smoothly. But some of the top PUA in the US or around the world have extremely high success rates.

If you read the methods they're created, it's quite amazing. They've basically broken down the process of seduction into learnable steps, from opening lines, to how to act in front of women, to how to build comfort with women, until they have sex with the man.

As with all useful tools and weapons, there are of course going to be people that benefit, and those that will abuse the system. The PUA methods will help men that were unable to attract women, whilst creating new legions of players that will use the methods to get loads of women to have sex with them.

In Asia, a guy with money and relatively confident already has a huge advantage in meeting women. I'm not sure the PUA business will have as much demand here as in the West were the pick up process is relatively harder. Curious what the girls think about this new invasion in Asia.

Mar/ Chapter 3: He's just not that into you

2009-03-27T17:14:00.004+08:00

I was having a chat with a female friend the other day about a couple of interesting topics. Firstly why it seems that women have such a hard to dumping a jerk they've become emotionally attached to.

You may have heard of the book and movie "he's just not that into you". It's so hard for women to see the truth and tear themselves away from jerks sometimes that they had to write a book to point out the obvious. In fact, no need for me to explain any of this, if you're a woman then you'll know better than me how difficult it's to pull yourself away from a jerk that you like.

However, what's even more interesting or strange is that many women I've spoken to don't have nearly the same difficulty emotionally when breaking up with a boyfriend they find boring or if they're lost respect for the guy.

In other words if you're a guy you're more likely to be dumped for being a loser than for being a jerk to women.

Ok, so this doesn't seem to make sense, but if you've read some of the older posts on this blog you would understand that much of what we do in relationships isn't driven by logic and conscious thoughts, but by our instincts that we inherited and evolved from cavemen days.

In cavemen days, survival was the key. So women would pick the fittest males, the weaker ones would be more likely to die from getting eaten by predators, or from inter tribal warfare. Nice isn't part of the equation, survival was. So if her man treated her badly and she immediately left the man, then there was serious risks to the survival of her and her children.

Therefore the body (or a woman's genes) have a built in mechanism that avoids this. It makes women more emotionally attached to men they think are stronger, even if those men are jerks.

Men that don't show much value however are easier to dump, even if they treat a woman better because they aren't seen as possessing as much value.

The emotions that make leaving a jerk so hard is just part of a woman's natural instinct to get the best genes from a man, and also to ensure her survival. In the modern world however, it means that women are often emotionally attached to jerks who they logically don't want to be with, and require a book and a movie to point out an otherwise relatively obvious point.

Mar/ Chapter 2: HK girls and guys

2009-03-17T09:56:00.007+08:00

Last week a very interesting program aired which focused on what HK men and women thought about each other. The first part of the show focused on how HK men saw some HK women, or specifically "Gong Nui (Hongkie girl)" and how these Gong Nui justified their choices and their expectations of men.

The show started off with the narrator stating that the status or HK women have been rising over the years, and some HK men feel that some HK women are too demanding. There are even groups and blogs on the internet where men complain about Gong Nui, with one group that has over 1000 members.

So what are the characteristics of a Gong Nui?

1) Too materialistic, the boyfriend must buy stuff for her as a sign that he values and is nice to her.

2) If the boyfriend doesn't dote on the girl then she'll get all upset.

3) They try to act like "a cute princess", especially when they take pics, with lots of V shaped signs pointing up. I go check my own facebook, and indeed, lots of girls pretending they're Winston Churchill! But to be honest, this is not the characteristic of HK girls alone, it’s been exported from Japan.

4) Girls don't need to pay for their drinks, in fact it's a guy's honor to be able to hang out with a pretty girl that he needs to buy drinks for.

5) Way too into their expensive brand named products.

Apparently there are 81 problems that Gong Nui have that HK men don't like.

The main thing HK guys don't like is that Gong Nui say they want equality and equal status with men, but unlike many of their Western counterparts seem to want a lot of materialistic perks. For example there's the "63.8 incident" where a guy took a girl out to a movie, and then afterwards they went to the supermarket where she bought something that cost $63.8 and then he waited for her to pay, instead of buying it for her. She got really upset she had to pay for this and posted her complaint on the internet about how cheap the guy was.

The second thing is that Gong Nui seem to want to be treated like a princess, or they'll get pissed off. If the girl buys a new item of clothing, or cuts her hair by an inch, HK guys are suppose to notice. Although to be honest I think this is a global phenomenon where men notice changes in women less so than women themselves.

The show then moved to an interview of a couple where the wife asked her husband after dating 6 months if he would give all his money to her after marriage. She had dumped an earlier boyfriend for looking shocked at this concept. When she posted their story on the internet, she got bombarded with hundreds of emails from men complaining that she was a gold digger, stealing, and controlling her man too much.

Some of the girls explained that it's not being materialistic, it's just being realistic. In this society you need money, and if you don't have money people will look down on you.

A HK director even decided to make a movie on Gong Mui. He said in order to research for the movie, he asked girls in Japan, China, Taiwan and HK if they would rather be with:

a) A guy that's fun and exciting to be with but ultimately a bad boy.

or

b) A good guy that's faithful, but is boring.

Girls from the other countries were willing to pick one or the other, but HK girls tended to want both or stay single. It seemed like the director was bewildered at such high expectations, although I think he should really try asking the same questions outside of Asia.

The things that I found the most interesting though were the things that girls spent so much time and money to maintain which they felt the guys needed, but the guys themselves were not too worried about.

For example when it came to brand names, one girl also mentioned that guys would naturally want to take a girlfriend out that wore or carried expensive brand names, since that would also make him look good.

What these girls don’t get is that unless we're friggin rich and needed that image, 99.9% of men couldn't care less if their girlfriends wore expensive brands. Women wrongly assume that buying expensive brands make them more attractive to men, it doesn't. It's more a women competing with women behavior.

When it came to weight, a bunch of gym instructors came out and said that women really shouldn't complain about being too fat if they're around or below 100 lbs. But the girls that do fret about being too fat explain they get a lot of pressure from their boyfriends checking out other girls, and commenting about hot looking female stars, and also they need to keep themselves looking good in case they go back on the singles scene.

Guys, especially Asian guys do prefer slim girls. But I think it's interesting that many HK girls are more concern about their looks than the men themselves, it's probably a product of all the marketing that's going on around them.

Overall I think the show did point out some valid complaints that HK men have about some HK women, especially when it came to materialism.

_____________________________________

A week later the second episode aired, and this time it was about HK guys.

What was funny though is that there wasn't nearly as many interviews with women about the problems women saw in men. The show just featured geeks, and HK guys that play too much computer games, and that was it.

I felt it was a real cop out, nothing about any guys that are still sexist or chauvinistic. Or the womanizing that goes on across the border, having a second wife in China etc, or guys hitting on multiple girls at the same time.

Then I realized.......The producers of the show must all be HK men.

Original clip of first episode on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0u8Zs9nD32E&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJHHXC7EVP0&feature=related

Mar/ Chapter 1: Stuck in a time bubble

2009-03-04T11:36:00.004+08:00

I just back from a weekend up in Shanghai, visiting my best friend because it was his 30th birthday. When I went to his apartment I couldn't help but feel envious. Out of all the friends I know he's done the best for himself.

He's got a lovely wife, who can joke around and party like one of the lads. Him and his wife both have good jobs, they have a big apartment in Shanghai which looks very comfortable, and they have a baby on the way.

Then I look at myself, and I feel like I'm a million miles away from such a lifestyle. Got an apartment, but feel poor, insecure because of the credit crunch, not married, and not comfortable taking care of myself, let alone a kid.

10 years ago, me and my best friend were at the same place in our lives, playing computer games and just enjoying life. We actually did the same when I went to Shanghai, on the Friday night I didn't even go clubbing, we just played Poker with some friends of ours and shot zombies on his playstation till 5am. It was the most expensive gaming session I've ever had.

Sat night was his birthday dinner, and clubbing at bling. Got a chance to chat to the Shanghai crew. My friend's group of friends up in Shanghai, but also friends of mine now that I've been them so many times.

One of the guys there sells lubricants to other companies, or LUB as he called it. A few of us stood there for 10 minutes cracking up jobs about lubricants and all their applications. I hadn't laughed so hard in my life. Then I looked around at all the thirty year olds (more or less).

Thirty is an interesting age because we can be at all sorts of different places in life by the time we're 30. Married with kids, or unsure about marriage, and joking about lubricants with a bunch of other guys.

I just hope the time bubble pops one day, because surely this can't be as good as it gets!

Feb/ Chapter 2: Bikinis

2009-02-20T21:00:00.004+08:00

Interesting article from CNN that focuses on research that shows that men will objectify women wearing bikinis. Not really mind blowing stuff. I could tell you that men do this all the time. They'll classify women into those they want to have sex with but don't want to have a future with, and those that they genuinely want to have a future with.

As for wearing bikinis? I don't think there's a prob in doing that, just be weary of guys that are hitting on you whilst wearing one.

It may seem obvious that men perceive women in sexy bathing suits as objects, but now there's science to back it up.

New research shows that, in men, the brain areas associated with handling tools and the intention to perform actions light up when viewing images of women in bikinis.

The research was presented this week by Susan Fiske, professor of psychology at Princeton University, at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science.

"This is just the first study which was focused on the idea that men of a certain age view sex as a highly desirable goal, and if you present them with a provocative woman, then that will tend to prime goal-related responses," she told CNN.

Although consistent with conventional wisdom, the way that men may depersonalize sexual images of women is not entirely something they control. In fact, it's a byproduct of human evolution, experts say. The first male humans had an incentive to seek fertile women as the means of spreading their genes.

"They're not fully conscious responses, and so people don't know the extent to which they're being influenced," Fiske said. "It's important to recognize the effects."

The participants, 21 heterosexual male undergraduates at Princeton, took questionnaires to determine whether they harbor "benevolent" sexism, which includes the belief that a woman's place is in the home, or hostile sexism, a more adversarial viewpoint which includes the belief that women attempt to dominate men.

In the men who scored highest on hostile sexism, the part of the brain associated with analyzing another person's thoughts, feelings and intentions was inactive while viewing scantily clad women, Fiske said.

Men also remember these women's bodies better than those of fully-clothed women, Fiske said. Each image was shown for only a fraction of a second.

This study looked specifically at men, and did not test women's responses to similar images.

A supplementary study on both male and female undergraduates found that men tend to associate bikini-clad women with first-person action verbs such as I "push," "handle" and "grab" instead of the third-person forms such as she "pushes," "handles" and "grabs." They associated fully clothed women, on the other hand, with the third-person forms, indicating these women were perceived as in control of their own actions. The females who took the test did not show this effect, Fiske said.

That goes along with the idea that the man looking at a woman in a bikini sees her as the object of action, Fiske said.

The findings are consistent with previous work in the field, and resonate, for example, with the abundance of female strip clubs in comparison to male strip clubs, said Dr. Charles Raison, psychiatrist and director of the Mind/Body Institute at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. Raison was not involved in the study.

Previous research found that people tend to similarly dehumanize those who are homeless or drug addicts, although the phenomenon in this case is somewhat different, Fiske said. People have reactions of avoidance toward the homeless and drug addicts, and the opposite for scantily clad women.

The broader purpose of the research was to explore circumstances under which people treat one another as the means to an end, Fiske said.

Past studies have also shown that when men view images of highly sexualized women, and then interact with a woman in a separate setting, they are more likely to have sexual words on their minds, she said. They are also more likely to remember the woman's physical appearance, and sit closer to her -- for instance, at a job interview.

Taken together, the research suggests that viewing certain images is not appropriate in the workplace, Fiske said.

"I'm not advocating censorship, but I do think people need to know what settings should discourage the display and possession of these kinds of things," she said.

Both women and men have something to learn from this line of research, Raison said. Women should be aware of how they are perceived when wearing provocative clothing, and men shouldn't let feelings of impersonal sexual longing interfere with their more personal relationships with other women, including female friends. "Many men make foolish choices because of sexual attraction," he said.

"The suggestion might be that there's some hard-wiring there that can interfere with the average man's ability to interact on deeper levels with really hot looking stranger women in bikinis," he said.

Women may also depersonalize men in certain situations, but published research on the subject has not been done, experts say. Evolutionary psychology would theorize that men view women as objects in terms of their youth and apparent fertility, while women might view men as instrumental in terms of their status and resources, Fiske said.

Another avenue to explore would be showing images of men's wives and girlfriends in bikinis, Raison said. He predicts the objectifying effect would not happen in this context.

Feb/Chapter 1: Valentines Day

2009-02-13T20:43:00.002+08:00

Valentines day is an interesting day. See lots of flowers delivered to the office today, and at my friend's company the traders were standing up and clapping for any girl that got a bouqet of flowers.

Girls seem to love this day, and honestly, most guys don't really like this day because of all the pressure. Just take this guy for example.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart and as they had NOT been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note; romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves, The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the sales mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.

If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are eaiser to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Jan/ Chapter 4: Living together part 2

2009-01-23T19:22:00.012+08:00

Ok, so people that live together before getting married are more likely to divorce. As previously exlained it's partly because their personalities and expectations of what comes with marriage makes them more predisposed to divorce, and also the situation forces some people to stay together even if they're lukewarm about each other.

Someone also mentioned that they knew of a guy that insisted his GF moved in for a few months before he was willing to marry her.

Again that could just mean he doesn't trust her, and that could mean other problems develop later.

But what if things were much more simple that all of the above points? What if living together just makes people raving mad and want to kill each other? Maybe that's why there's such a high divorce rate these days? As another poster commented:

"Luckily for me, it is the opposite. My husband and I lived together for a long time before getting married and got all the shit that pisses each other off out of the way....or actually we just learned to live with it :)"

What happens if people can't get over all the shit that pisses each other off? Then I started thinking of all the worst things that can happen with living together, and it all started to make sense why. I came up with all the worst things people can possible do whilst living with someone else and it wasn't pretty.

10)You clean up the apartment one night, and when you get back from work the next night, you're partner's messed up the apartment.

9) You're trying to take a nap and hysterical laughter erupts in the next room because your partner was watching a comedy.

8) The guy never puts down the toilet seat....... no 1 reason for modern day divorces.

7) You're eating breakfast and suddenly a naked person runs out of the bathroom dripping water on the floor because there wasn't a towel in there.

6) You've just washed your whites, and your partner didn't know the load was clean, sticks their undies in there, and the worse thing is there's a big skid mark on it.

5) The guy thinks it's ok to leave the toilet door open whilst taking a dump.

4) You have to get to work at 7:30 the next morning. You wake up in the middle of the night, and your partner's snoring resembles the mating call of an African baboon.

3) The guy (girls surely won't do this) picks his nose, rolls it up and then puts it in the girl's plant pot, thinking that it's effective fertilizer. (I've seen a guy do this actually).

2) Your partner frequently farts in bed, and his/her explaination is that you can't smell it when it's under the covers.

1) Last but not least....... the guy doesn't know it's that time of the month, and picks a fight when his girlfriend is .........

If you're single or don't have to deal with this crap, consider yourself lucky!

Jan/ Chapter 3: Living together

2009-01-19T17:49:00.008+08:00

So a friend has been pushing me about making a post about living together. I have no idea why, but I decided to research it anyway.

For those familiar with the stats, living together is meant to increase the chances the couple will get divorced if they married, compared to couples that didn't live together first.

I've known this stat for a while, but it seemed strange. Surely if two people already got to know each other then there is less chance of divorce later? Living together afterall gives the relationship a trail run before marriage.

Divorce isn't the only worry. Seems like it affects a lot of other things as well:

Living together results in higher chance that the couple has more negative communication in their marriages later.

People who lived together first have lower martial satisfaction.

Infidelity rate is higher.

Physical abuse rates is higher.

So why does this happen? It's pretty significant finding considering lots of people these days live together prior to marriage.

It seems that it's not actually the experience of living together that changes people, rather the people that live together before marriage already have characterisitcs that put them at risk of divorce and unsatisfying marriages. Many people want to try living together because they are already more worried about divorce or less faith in marriage as an institution. They worry so want to try living together.

So their attitudes set them up for failure.

Also, when people live together, because their lives get intertwined, it makes it much harder to leave the relationship. Therefore a less commited couple is forced by the situation into marriage. They're not really as commited, but decide, well since they've been together so long, might as well get married anyway. They've shared their lives together, have common friends, finances and property may have been shared. They share so much together it's hard to split up. Constraints have propelled them forward, not dedication.

Those at the greatest risk are those that are in love but aren't sure about a future together, because then when they are no longer in love, they find it much harder to leave. Engaged couples don't seem to be affected by these forces as much.

If you're living with someone then don't freak out. But be aware that if someone has to be dragged to the altar, it's indication of many more draggings to come. A mate who commits reluctantly (because of living together) does not make for a good marriage.

Jan/ Chapter 2: Thank God I'm a man

2009-01-14T15:18:00.008+08:00

Sorry, been very busy lately, or just working on my book, so leave you will a couple of funny pics. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Jan/ Chapter 1: Oh man, relatives and weddings

2009-01-07T12:09:00.002+08:00

There seems to have been a lot of weddings in the last year or so. Last year was meant to be a good year, and so was last weekend on the old Chinese calender. So I had an interesting day last weekend. I went to my girlfriend's sister's wedding.

It was a beautiful day, we were out at Taipo by a lake, and the weather was just right. The ceremony was very touching, made me feel happy for the couple and actually made me feel good inside.

I had actually missed the serving tea to elders and the groom getting the bride and all the games in the morning. Most of them got up at 5:30am to get ready. By the afternoon I could see some people already looked tired.

We then went to Tsim Sha Tsui for the wedding banquet. It was pretty big, 22 tables. The bride's father has a very big family, he has 7 brothers and a sister. So that means a lot of relatives. Which is great, nice to have a big extended family.

But what wasn't cool, was when everyone asked me when I was going to propose to my girlfriend! I was actually sitting on the table with all the relatives on the bride's side, and throughout the whole meal I could tell their aunt was trying to find out what type of person I was like. She was checking me out with a bunch of very smart questions.

At the end of the night I was even asked to stand with the rest of the family, so I could escort all the guests out. It was really weird because I wasn't a member of the family yet!

Great day, interesting experience. I just wonder if I can handle all the pressure when I get married. Would I want to "perform" in front of 22 tables? I mean yeah, we celebrate at weddings to show the world that we want to spend the rest of our lives with someone. But all the traditions make it feel like we're performing for everyone else, and make the whole experience seem a little daunting.

Dec/ Chapter 5: Groundhog day

2008-12-28T19:37:00.009+08:00

Just a warning, there are spoilers in this post, so beware if you haven't seen Groundhog day, but I strongly suggest you go see it because it's a classic.

I was watching this movie the other day, and was reminded again how great this comedy is. With most comedies it no longer stays funny after the punch lines are revealed, but in this movie the story is ao thoughtful and meaningful that watching the movie many times doesn't seem to make it dull.

Bill Murray is Phil Connors, a mean spirited and cynical weather man (roles Bill Murray often play), and he has to travel to a small town outside Pittsburg to report on groundhog day. It's an annual festival where the locals use a groundhog to predict if winter will end early or last several more weeks.

After the report and festivities, Bill attempts to leave town with his camera man and his producer, Rita. But they find a blizzard has moved in so they can't leave town. After going to bed, Phil wakes up the next day to find it's Groundhog day again, and then is forced to relive the day over and over again.

The absurdity of Phil discovering that he's repeating the same day is amusing enough. But every time that alarm clock goes off, and the radio starts playing, "I Got You Babe," and Phil goes through the same motions and meets the same people and then goes out into the street to be accosted by the same annoying high school buddy, with different outcomes is pure genious.

Then Phil starts to take advantage of the situation firstly by breaking the law and seeing if he can get away with it, and then by finding out all the details of the local girls, so he can date and have sex with them. Since he relives the same day again and again his ability to chat up the women is almost guaranteed, because if he makes a mistake he can just simply start fresh the next day, and the girls are unaware of his intentions.

After seducing other girls in the town Phil tries to seduce his producer Rita. He tries to do the same things he did with the other girls, but fails miserably, because Rita is too smart and sees right through him. He tells her that he loves her, only to get slapped because she realizes she's getting played. She may not understand the full supernatural implications of what he's doing, but she senses that he's somehow manipulating the situation. Phil may think he's a god, but he isn't all-powerful.

Seeing his failure, it finally dawns on Phil that he's in a depressing inescapable position, so tries to kill himself over and over again, and even fails at this because he still wakes up on groundhog day again and again.

Eventually he tells Rita one night whilst she is asleep, knowing full well she can't hear him that he probably doesn't deserve her love, but if she could only love him, then he would learn to love her forever. Phil realizes because he loves such a sincere woman as Rita, the only way he can finally impress her is by genuinely changing himself rather than faking it. To make himself kinder and more caring to everyone around him, to stop all the lies and manipulation, and turn into a genuine nice guy.

It is only when Rita falls in love with him, and buys him in an auction at a party, that Phil's curse is finally lifted. They wake up together the next morning (there was no sex) and find it's the next day, and Phil is able to get on with his life, and he now has Rita to share his life with.

Moral of the story?

Phil Connors must live the same day over and over again, and is forced to realize that the only real change that will ever be possible must happen within himself. It is interesting that Phil is a weatherman, the weather is a perfect metaphor for something that changes constantly...without, in the long term, changing at all. We can be distracted by the superficial changes in the world around us, and forget that real change in our lives must come from within.

If a guy is good at seduction and manipulation, he can get himself laid with half the town, but ultimately he's cursed and destined to live the rest of his life self centered and lonely. If he truly desires a wonderful woman, and true love, then he has to genuinely change himself to being a decent man.

Dec/ Chapter 4: What's with Vivian Chow?

2008-12-22T13:46:00.011+08:00

For those of you not familiar with Vivian Chow, she's a local actress that was very famous in the early 90's in Hong Kong.

She has to be one of the best looking women in her 40's in the world. When I was in highshool, most of the guys loved her, and that was when we were 12.

For an entire decade she disappeared, and it was only in recent years that she started working again.

Recently she was on the cover of every gossip mag in Hong Kong and talk of the town, because her boyfriend (on and off) of 20 years was caught in Azure making out for 5 minutes with some 20 years old university student.

The guy has a reputation for dating beautiful women, and rumour had it that he's cheated on Vivian numerous times with other women. This time was different only because he was caught red handed.

I can't understand it. The guy is not good looking, he's not rich, Vivian Chow basically takes care of him financially. Plus he's a cheating womanizer who's done it to her, not once but numerous times. She should never have gotten back together with the guy after the first time they broke up.

Then to make things more surreal, less than a week later the two of them are all over the gossip mags again! Now she's going to get married to the guy! He obviously used all the moves I've detailed in this blog included crying his eyes out and begging for forgiveness. It's just shocking in terms of the stupidity of it all.

She's spent 20 years of her life on a guy that can't stay faithful, when she could have found a decent guy and had a chance to find happiness and have a family. It's not like he's going to stop cheating because he's marring her, some guys will never change, you just have to accept that's their nature.

Now, the guy's laughing to the bank because he's married someone that will feed his poor sorry ass.

Love is like a drug, and sometimes some relationshisp look more like tragedies.....

Dec/ Chapter 3: Love is like a drug

2008-12-15T12:53:00.004+08:00

So people often ask why would anyone want to stick to someone that's treating them badly. I've written about it on this blog, some of you have been in that situation, and a lot of us have given advice to friends that can't seem to tear themselves away from a truly unhealthy and hurtful relationship.

The answer is this.

When we are attracted to someone, whether it's infatuation or love. Our brain releases dopamine, (a neurotransmitter) for those that aren't familiar with the scientific term, it is basically like a drug that acts on the body. This drug is extremely powerful and acts on the body and mind with similar effects to cocaine and speed.

It's why some people have suggested that falling in love is like being on drugs, because we literally are on drugs when in love. It leaves us wanting more of it, and hence we want to be with the person we're deeply attracted to. If the person rejects us, or we have to break up with that person it leaves really negative feelings of withdrawal we normally call heartache or heartbreak.

The drug is the most potent when you first start to like someone, and is so strong you can almost feel the physical effects, hence the heart pounding and butterfly in the stomach feeling.

It exlains why when someone treats us well but we're not attracted to them, we're indifferent. We simply don't have any of the drugs in our head to get us hooked. Adds new meaning to the term, "no chemistry". Meanwhile, if we're attracted to someone and they treat us like crap we're addicted to them.

The problem for us is that on the surface we all seem like logical beings that are in control, but our bodies evolved over millions of years, and our animal instincts have an aim different to our own conscious aims.

Whilst we consciously seek out happiness, and try to avoid anyone that might hurt our feelings. Our body has the aim of driving us to go forth and multiply, to find a partner and mate. Consciously we might not even want to have kids but out body plays tricks with our minds to drag us in that direction. Therefore it pumps out drugs that keeps us hooked to someone which before we had contraceptives would keep the couple together long enough to procreate.

So what does all this tell us?

1) Since the mechanism is based on attraction and not on whether someone treats us well or not. We're in big trouble if we become deeply attracted to someone that's a jerk or a bitch. When that happens they can treat us like crap for extended periods of time and we might struggle to leave them.

That's why it's very important who you pick to become a partner. Pick a good person or else they will turn against you and treat you badly one day.

2) The effects of the drug generally last a few months, and in some cases up to several years. Which partially explains why some couples are fall out of love after a period of time. Once the drug no longer has any effect then unless the couple has become very attached, they'll drift apart.

3) Some guys are constantly looking for a fresh new hit, and hence why players are unable to settle down and connect with one woman. It also explains why it's pointless to ever change a man. If a guy's acting a certain way, ie unable to commit then to get him to commit is no different from trying to change a drug addict.

4) If you get hooked on a guy or girl that's not treating you well, then the way to leave the person is similar to other methods used in getting off other forms of addiction.

a) Realize you have a problem. That the person is harmful to you and will hurt you more and more.

b) You need to stop thinking about that person, just like you need to stop thinking about an addition.

c) Find distractions

d) Link the person to negative things rather than positive things that reinforce a need for them. Ie, Stop thinking about all the happy memories together and remember that they're treating you badly.

One more thing that's explains a lot of things we experience. The more two people have sex together, the more likely they are to bond emotionally. The thing is, this mechanism works much stronger in a woman's head. Men are generally more capable of treating sex as a purely physical act that doesn't involve any emotions.

Whilst most women are also able to have sex without falling in love, the more sex you have with the same person the higher the chance you will get totally addicted to them.

For men it can be the opposite. They get the sex that they want, they don't feel connected and thus move on.

Dec/Chapter 2: The 30 year old virgin

2008-12-09T13:40:00.004+08:00

The attached picture is from a funny scene from "The 40 year old virgin", where Steve Carell's character is trying to remove his body hair in order to look right for his date.

By the way, they actually shot the scene whilst removing his real hair to get real (painful) reactions from the actor.

I doubt there are any 40 year old virgins alive, they probably all died from sexual frustration. But I'm pretty sure there are lots of virigns in their late 20's.

In Asia I hear a lot of girls complaining that there're no nice guys, I assume they are complaining there are no nice eligible guys. After all most of the really outgoing guys I know are players. It's almost hard to believe that any virgins even exist in a place like Hong Kong, because even a guy that's totally clueless about girls can pay for a ferry ticket to Macau and pay for a pro.

So what's the deal here? Why are there guys that can't seem to get women even by their 20's?

People often forget that the dating scene is a lot tougher in Europe and North America for the average guy. There aren't as many players, in fact lots of guys have a serious problem even attracting women. When Neil Strauss wrote "The Game", it immediately became a bible for players all over the world. But it was also salvation for the average frustrated chump that lived in areas of the world where getting a girl is a lot harder.

Sometimes women forget that there are guys out there who's middle name is "rejected".

Recently friends were telling me how the dating scene is very different in Vancouver and a lot tougher on guys. A girl was telling me how a lot of her female friends were the ones cheating on their boyfriends rather than the other way around. Whilst a guy friend was telling me how he posted up a personal on an internet dating site with zero success (my friend is from Hong Kong). In the clubs there the girls can have their pick of the guys, whilst in HK girls have no idea if the guy that's hitting on them is going to be a player or not.

Things are just tougher over there for Asian guys for various reasons. The Asian girls have the choice between caucasian guys and Asian guys, whilst Asian guys have very little success with the caucasian girls. That means the available male/female ratio is immediately skewed in the Asian community.

Interesting that the sex ratio can change social dynamics so much, and give one sex so much power over another. In Hong Kong slightly more single females mean a lot more guys can act insensitive towards the girls, and can live a playboy lifestyle if they so wish. Over in Vancouver, the vice versa is true.

The only country where it seems a skewed male/female ratio doesn't change things much is in China. I still have female friends in China that complain they have problems finding nice guys. Unlike their Western counterparts, Chinese men with money will be guaranteed to attract lots of women. In the US or Canada, unless you are totally filthy rich, even if you have a nice job you might not be able to get a girlfriend.

Things are rough for both sexes, just depends on where they happen to be in the world. Most people I know are pretty mobile, but fail to look into prospects for their love lives when they move to a new country. Certainly, a place like HK is not a good place for a single girl to go.

On the other hand, some of the men that could be 30 yr old virgins in the West, and can't meet women in their home countries, come over to Asia and are like stars here.

Maybe, we should just solve the problems that affect both men and women over the oceans. Maybe we should just ship 50K guys from Vanvouver to HK, and ship 50K girls from HK to Vancouver.

Dec/Chapter 1: Growing up

2008-12-01T11:40:00.004+08:00

Last Sat, I turned 30. I had a big party at one of the local bars, if I know you in real life then you probably went. Over a hundred people showed up and the place was packed. I was pretty happy with how the whole thing went. Having a massive party is a good way to get over the fact that I'm no longer all that young.

To be honest, even if I've changed, in my mind I don't feel much different than from when I was 25, I hardly notice the difference.

The day after the party, I had dinner with my grandparents, and my granddad told me how when he was 30, he was already raising four kids. I find it interesting that in the past people seemed to be able to get on with the important things in life a lot younger. Right now my major accomplishment is I can down a yard glass full of cocktail, plus a dozen drinks and I can still stand.

To be honest, I want to settle down, but life seems so much fun as well. As soon as kids come along then everything changes.

Which makes me think about this particular point. When does a guy settle down?

The first school of thought is that if a guy meets the right girl then he'll be ready to settle down with her. If these guys can't find the right girl then they never settle down. The idea, if I may add is probably a dangerous expectation for girls since it fuels the idea that girls can change guys.

The other school of thought is that some guys aren't ready to settle down till a certain age. Which also appears to be a bit of BS. If a guy suddenly is ready to settle down at a certain age then doesn't that seem a little forced and artificial?

You tell me, I'm not sure. I'm still recovering from the weekend.....

Nov/ Chapter 4: Dealing with problematic men

2008-11-21T14:25:00.004+08:00

After reading the posts about abusive guys, most people asked me two questions. Firstly, why would any girl want to stick with a guy that's treating them badly?

Well the question to that is actually quite complex. The girl is in love with the guy, he's chipped away at her self confidence, he's made the situation very confusing because he's normal or even sweet a lot of the time.

The second question was how can a girl prevent herself from getting into this situation? In fact, how can a girl prevent herself from falling in love and ending up in an unhealthy relationship with any type of problematic guy?

There's three types of people that are relatively immune to deception, and manipulation, and even if they fall prey they won't put up with any crap, and will quickly move on.

Type 1, The Cynic: These are people that have been hurt in the past. Their response to being hurt is to avoid being hurt again by turning negative about the situation and see the bad side in people. Cynics are jaded people that rarely get hurt because they shield themselves from any risk of getting hurt again. But there are major problems to being a cynic.

The main problem is that by seeing the bad side in people, you remove a lot of the fun and lower the chance of actually finding happiness. If your natural response is to label all guys as jerks before exploring if a guy is genuinely interested in a healthy relationship then you'll remove any chance of finding a nice guy. In fact, the easiest way to avoid all jerks, is to simply avoid all men. You'll never get hurt, but you'll also never find happiness.

Another problem with being a cynic is that you will give off negative energy and people will sense it. Being negative is a turn off, and will drive away guys that may otherwise find you attractive.

Type 2, Having high self esteem: A person with high self esteem is less susceptible to being deceived and manipulated because they care about themselves. But the important thing is that if they do find themselves with a guy that's just there for casual sex, or not commited to a proper relationship, or abusive, they'll dump the guy and move on.

People with high self esteem are not needy, they don't need someone else to complete them, and if that person isn't going to treat them properly they will move on. They will rather be single and happy then to be with someone but miserable.

The key is to love yourself, and to realize that being in a relationship is not the goal, being happy is. Don't start getting into the position where you want to find someone so badly you are willing to put up with serious crap.

Type 3, The realist: The main difference between the realist and a cynic is that the realist learns to accept humanity for what it really is. The situation won't depress them, because rather than having high hopes and morals and then wondering why other people don't have the same standards, the realist understands that there are good and bad people and just accepts this.

A realist will understand men for what they really are, and able to read between the good and the bad. They then accept the reality and don't try to make excuses for those guys that happen to be bad, simply because they want to be with that guy.

I was at a circus the other day and the animal trainer was in a cage with a dozen lions and tigers, and I was thinking, if one of those beasts attacked and killed the trainer, you can't really blame a beast. It's the beast's nature to attack and kill for food.

If you meet and fall for a player, realize there's nothing wrong with men in general. It's just the player's nature to act the way he does, but get real, and move on. Same with all other types of problematic guys, whether they're abusive or stringing you along. Treat them the same way you would a dangerous animal, just accept that they're not going to be healthy for you and stay away from them.

The key is to remember that frees you up to then go and find someone that will be good to you.

Nov/ Chapter 3: When a snake slithers back

2008-11-13T12:08:00.004+08:00

I used a cartoon snake because I got a friend that reads this blog and she's scared of snakes.

Cute isn't it? I really wanted to use a nasty looking snake about to bite though.

When do you do if an abusive guy (snake), calls you, tells you he loves you, misses you and needs you back? What do you think you should do?

1) Ask him to come over to talk
2) Have a long chat and find out what's up
3) Laugh then hang up the phone
4) Insult him then hang up the phone
5) Hang up the phone

I hope you picked any of the responses between 3-5.

The reason you hang up and cut off all communication is because those types of guys always lie, and never change. But if the guy is coming back to you, and says he loves you, then surely he really does love you right? If the guy is hurting badly inside surely he really cares, right?

Wrong, for abusive guys and players it's always about control, sex, and themselves. They have no interest about being in a HEALTHY relationship, it's always about them. You might desperately hope that he loves you, but that's because you love him and hope that's the case. You'll do anything in your head to make that into a reality.

The reality is that he's coming back because he needs to the security of having someone underneath him, under his control. The reality is if you get back together with the guy, he will be charming and wonderful at first then start being abusive at an all new level once you two are settled down again.

Seems like lots of women have been in abusive relationships, so it's common, don't feel bad. But see, you only get to live once and should be happy, and you deserve someone that loves you. That's why the next time he calls you should hang up on him, even if you love him, he's just not going to be good for you. Put him in the same category as heroine, or anything that's going to make you real high and then crush you real hard later.

I know it's difficult to tell someone you may still love to back off, when it means you will be alone and possibly lonely. But I guarantee if you leave the guy, years later you will wonder why you even wasted so much time on him, and that the whole episode had nothing to do with love. Here's some stuff to get you get over a bad guy.

1) Make some new friends, or hang out with existing friends more.
2) Find new hobbies, you'll be surprised how much more spare time you have and how much you can learn.
3) Treat yourself to things that will make you feel better. Go shopping or go for a walk in the park.

Remember when you've sacrificed so much for a guy, and he's turned out to be just a jerk, you deserve to go treat at least one person right, and that's you.

Nov/ Chapter 2: Abusive men

2008-11-07T14:19:00.006+08:00

I decided to make this post after a friend of mine came to me about giving advice to a friend of hers that has been dating an abusive boyfriend.

The guy was friends with the girl for 6 months prior to them starting the relationship. Everything was good, then 3 months into the relationship they got into an arguement and he hit her. From then on it got worse and the guy would often blame his own behavior on her provoking him. Then she started blaming herself.

The guy then cheated with on her with numerous different women and told her about it, and put the blame on her for dating guys whilst they were still friends!

Abusive men are much more common than people realize. In America alone 4 million women experience serious assult from a male partner each year, yeah, that's each year. It's a very common problem and after writing this blog I've heard numerous stories of girls that have been abused in the past. I would guess close to 10% of girls have been in relationships with abusive guys.

People are often confused as to why any woman would put up with abuse and why they don't just walk away. But abusive relationships never start that way, in the beginning the guy always acts very sweet. If guys are abusive at the start then the girl would obviously dump the guy for someone better.

There are two types of abuse, emotional and physical. An abusive man is often skilled in pushing the blame, to make the girl think she isn't good enough or that everything is her fault. That's why many girls hang on to abusive guys, because they think they've done something wrong that's made the sweet guy turn abusive. When in fact the guy had a problem to begin with and was just hiding his real personality during the courtship phase of the relationship.

After abusing the girl, whether physically or psychologically with control games such as jealousy and blame (in my friend's friend's case the guy accused her of seeing other guys prior to them hooking up), the abusive guy will always tell the girl he loves her and will change so that the girl won't leave. He may even cry, and act desperate. In fact most abusive men are survivors of abuse themselves, and have pretty low self esteem as well as distorted perception of relationships that are extremely unhealthy.

When the girl takes the guy back, he starts to gain control, and the more times the girl takes the guy back, the more control he will gain. This is usually because the girl will get more and more confused and her self esteem is lowered. The apologies will often also be accompanied with empty promises of change that keeps the girl "hooked" in the relationship for the hope of change in the guy.

Basically, the girl starts thinking she's the one that's wrong, and desperately hopes that the guy's going to change back to the sweet guy she first met.

Here's the key point.......... Abusive men cannot change without long term therapy. They will not change or start treating a girl well. The only option a girl has if she really cares for the guy is to force him to get professional help, which he will resist because most abusive guys don't realize they have a problem.

If a girl leaves the guy he will start to cry and beg for forgiveness, but she can't go back till he's completed long term therapy successfully. When a girl leave an abusive guy be prepared for his behavior to get even more erratic and the abuse to get worse. If the girl goes back because he's begging for forgiveness, the cycle is only going to get worse.

Signs that a guy is abusive.

1. He's jealous and possessive - views his woman as his property instead of an unique individual. Becomes jealous of the girl spending time with family, friends and co-workers. Starts asking where the girl's been in an accusatory manner. Accuses the girl of cheating, or flirting with other men without cause.

2. Control - He's overly demanding of the girl's time and must be the center of her attention. Becomes angry if she's showing signs of independence and strength. Starts to control the activities the girl can partake in,

3. Superiority - He's always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be right by blaming the girl or others, so it's rarely his own fault. A verbally abusive man will talk down to or call the girl names to make himself feel better. His goal is to make the girl feel weak so he can be powerful. Even the guy's not aware he's doing this because he's actually insecure and power makes him feel better about himself.

4. Manipulative. Tells the girl she's crazy or stupid so the blames on her. Tries to make the girl feel it's her fault he's abusive.

5. Mood swings - His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occured.

6. Actions don't match words - says sorry and promises not to be abusive again if the girl tries to leave him. Will beg for forgiveness if the girl tries to leave.

7. Disrespects women - Shows no respet for women, even family memebers. Or he sees women as just sex objects rather than unique individuals.

If you read this and your boyfriend has one of more of the above traits then he probably needs professional help. If your friend is dating a problematic guy then consider telling them to read this post and getting help for their boyfriend, and if he doesn't seek help, leave the guy and never going back.

Remember, most abusive guys are very normal in everyday life, could even be popular socially or successful at work. It's only in the security of a relationship where he can't be judged in public that he goes nuts.

AND REMEMBER ABUSIVE GUYS WILL ALWAYS BE ABUSIVE NO MATTER WHAT THEIR PROMISES ARE!

Nov/ Chapter 1: Make up

2008-11-02T14:39:00.008+08:00

I was chatting to a few friends about the book I'm writing and the second part of it is basically a guide to teach women how to better communicate with men in ways that actually gets through to us. In other words strategies that makes a guy appreciate a girl more, and ultimately he won't lose interest in the relationship.

A couple of the girls immediately got agitated and asked why they have to compromise or change in any way to get a guy? They would rather stay single for life than to make any changes for a guy.

Well first of all, we all make changes to our behaviour to fit in with other humans. We are better behaved at work, we treat out boss and professional contacts with respect. Of course, it's different in a relationship, we are after all trying to be ourselves and enjoy ourselves in a relationship. But what if being ourselves doesn't effectively communicate to and get through to our partners? What if we need to act and talk in ways the other sex actually understands and appreaciates?

Guys understand we need to change our behavior just to get girls interested in the first place. Girls say they like nice guys but are actually attracted to fun, and confidence. That's why there's a phrase nice guys come last. If we chase too hard or really like a girl too much at the beginning, it makes us look nervous and needy and it drives off girls.

Girls face another problem. Although girls dump guys all the time, many girls face the problem of their boyfriends losing interet in a relationship, and there are psychological reasons why guys do that.

One of my friends still disagreed, and the funny thing is she started applying make up in front of me. The application of make up is an artifical act and behavior women learn from an early age to make themselves more attractive. If the standard is that women shouldn't make any changes to get men interested then women shouldn't take all that time to wear make up, or to dress sexy for a night out.

Some behaviors are so ingrained in human psyche that we've internalized them and they come natural to us. We don't even think about them anymore. That includes women applying make up and dozens of other behaviors women already have that makes them more attractive to men. They're just not aware of the implications because it's all subconscious.

What I didn't want to point out is that my friend just didn't want to change because she consciously didn't want to back down in anyway. If we don't make any compromises in relationships, then we work against ourselves. There's a fine balance between catering to someone just to fit in and making ourselves more attractive.

In any case my friend already had many guys chase after her, because she made sure she looked good and at the same time she was a strong girl that wasn't needy and maintained her own goals in life. Those are attractive qualities that are appealing to men and women. Other changes include not nagging but communicating more effectively, and not catering to a man's every needs which spoils the guy.

There are two types of changes that both men and women can make. One is to make oneself more attractive by increasing the positive traits we have. The other is to play games and use trickery. The second type of change is not sustainable if we're going to be with someone for life.

Remember, if you apply make up badly, it's gonna look real ugly.

Oct/ Chapter 2: The Credit Crunch and dating

2008-10-08T15:52:00.011+08:00

I'm a banker, and these are scary times for bankers. We're at the front lines of the current credit crunch, and we can see and understand the implications of what's happening on the wider economy. Lots of bankers expect to have no bonus this year and some of us will lose our jobs.

But are the times really that bad or have we gotten too comfortable with our easy lifestyles? Our grandparents had to live through a global war, and their parents had to live through the great depression. Both events that were much worse than what we're facing now.

In 1933, by the end of the great depression, the unemployment rate had risen to 25% in the US. That's unlikely to happen now, but it won't be surprising if the unemployment rate hits 10% in the US from this mess, and the banking industry could well cut 25% of the global banking work force.

Back then, people stuck together at the worst of times. But in the modern era, most people find it hard to even stick with one person at the best of times. We've gotten real picky, and people can afford to go out and date lots of partners before ever considering settling down for one.

Will dating patterns change now that the shit has hit the fan? Maybe.......

Certainly when I pick a girl now, I want someone that's going to stick with me through the good times and the bad. Isn't that meant to be in the marriage vows? I don't want to date anyone that wants me to buy them Prada hand bags, or Jimmy Choos. What if I lost my job next week? The girl's not even happy if I don't take her out to the best resturants, is she going to really queue up with me when I need to go to the soap kitchen for free food?

Most probably not.

Food for thought........when finding a partner, make sure they will stick around during the recession.

Oct/ Chapter 1: We're screwed...

2008-10-03T11:34:00.004+08:00

The other day I had an interesting night. Primarily because I was with several players out clubbing. It was also interesting because I got all depressed and shit.

Never start moralizing when out having a good time, especially when drinking.

The guys were all from Shanghai and all very cool guys. We had girls all around us. But something was bothering me the whole night. It all started when my friend started complaining as usual that he couldn't find any nice girls, and wanted to seriously settle down and get married. But when we got to the club his eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store, and he would comment on a dozen girls being cute, then go hit on a couple.

I've told him many times before. The key to settling down is to quit the partying lifestyle altogether. Some people are able to control it, for other like us meeting too many girls is just a major distraction from finding that "special one".

Then I started chatting to one of the other guys, who obviously wasn't ready to settle down, but sounded depressing never the less. I asked him what it was like clubbing and partying in Shanghai, and what are the girls like. He told me it was starting to suck, because he was getting too many girls, and the local girls were boring. It was so easy to get girls he was losing all his hunting skills, because he was literally being spoon fed.

How depressing, I felt like I was talking to a prisoner in Guantanamo Bay that was on hunger strike, and being force fed to stay alive..........I've been there though. Imagine going through the same repetitive and fake conversations with someone time and time again, just to get laid.

I started asking a third guy about this issue, the issue of the Shanghai lifestyle, and he agreed. It's just too intoxicating, and he was worried it would suck him in, and rather than enjoying it, it would start controlling him. That sometimes he just wanted a quiet weekend, but then would get lots of phone calls from people asking him to go out. That he wanted to keep a moral self, but it was impossible with so much temptation flying around.

That's when it hit me, I was feeling exactly the same.

Whilst I was contemplating these serious thoughts and at the same time was chucking down my vodka redbull I glanced across the club and saw a guy I knew. The guy had a really nice girlfriend, I knew her as well, but he had his arm around some other girl.

That's when I got all depressed and shit, because I realized it wasn't the girls we hurt that were screwed. It was us, the jokes on us......

Sep/ Chapter 6: Trading up

2008-09-24T08:13:00.002+08:00

I was at a barbecue the other night and got into a discussion with a couple of people about an interesting topic. At the beginning one person brought up a really messed up story about some guy that slept with his best friend's wife.

The topic then changed to a hypothetical situation. What happens if your friend and his/her ex had a bad break up, and you knew your friend would not want you to date his or her ex. It's off limit territory and by dating your friend's ex, you would lose your friend. What would you do?

For me personally, I wouldn't even go near my friend's ex, I wouldn't get close enough in the first place to even get emotionally attached. That's because there are plenty of girls out there, why would I want to go hitting on a girl that's going to lose me a friend?

I thought the answer was obvious and everyone would naturally pick to avoid a relationship with the friend's ex, and preserve the friendship. But two people (one guy, one girl) in the discussion said, their natural choice would be to date the friend's ex, even if it meant losing the friend. This came as some what of a shock to me, since I thought their choice was so blatantly wrong.

So I said that didn't make sense. First of all the there wasn't even a guarantee that the friend's ex was going to be "the one". It might just be like every other relationship that didn't work, but the friendship would be ruined. I said it made no sense to trade something that was certain (the friendship) for something which was very uncertain (finding the one).

The guy I was debating with then said he still stuck with his choice, because it was like investing and taking risk. He said many people would rather buy stocks which had the risk of falling in value, but had a much bigger upside, than buying US treasury (government) bonds which had a fixed low rate of return but had no downside risk. The friend was meant to be like government bonds, provided a low rate of return, whilst the friend's ex, whilst not guaranteed to be "the one" might turn out to be the love he's been looking for all his life. (The guy was a banker)

Ok fine, but what about the fact that there were so many people out there in the first place? Every guy or girl out there could be the one! Why go for someone that would mean losing a friend? Both the guy and the girl then argued that friends come and go as well. I wasn't surprised they made this comment since Hong Kong was full of transient people that moved a lot and were very mobile.

I left the debate at that, but I thought, well I definitely wouldn't want to be their friend. If my friendship and the value of it was simply based on what type of returns I could provide for them, then that's not real friendship.

I also didn't tell them that their approach was going to hurt them in the long run as well, because it was selfish, and whilst they had justified it in their mind, it was the very same mentality which would prevent them from finding "the one". See, if they were so pre-occupied with finding the one and trading up, and willing to sacrifice a friendship for something that wasn't even certain, if they were in a relationship and problems developed they would do the same. They would find someone new that wasn't guaranteed to be better but might just provide better returns.

But in the long run there was only one thing they was certain. They were actually increasing the chance that they will never be satisfied, constantly looking to trade up, and ultimately single or lonely.

Sep/ Chapter 5: By request

2008-09-19T11:06:00.006+08:00

The following were sent to me by girls that wanted this posted on the blog:

First piece:

Top ten reasons why ladies today are still single!!:

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome, and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think women are only after their money.
7. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think women are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think women are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy nd NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in women when they take the initiative.

*** May I just add, I think women are single because they are too picky!

Second piece:

One of my friends recently had a fling with this guy, the guy was staying at a hotel and traveled a lot for business. One morning he told her he was leaving for work for a week and will be back a week later. Of course the guy doesn't call, and would only answer coldly to my friends messages. So my friend gave up.

Last weekend, my friend was at a party and saw him. He was talking to some people so she didn't feel like going over to chat. He finally left with some girl, and my friend asked her friend who the fat chick was that left with her guy. The friend said "She's not fat, she's pregnant. That's his wife and they've been married for ages, she moved over to Hong Kong 3 weeks ago"

Sep/ Chapter4: Suck my dick......

2008-09-17T13:33:00.025+08:00

The most interesting thing about a player is, when you ask a player if he's a player, some genuinely don't think so. It's like some sort of psychological state of denial to protect themselves. This happens because generally most people like to think of themselves as good people, and lets face it. Even if it’s more acceptable for a guy to be a player, its still a negative connotation if you say a dude is a dog.
The player likes to say.....they just love women, not that they're horny bastards who cant control themselves and don’t give a fuck if they hurt someone.

Similarly if you ask most gold diggers if she's a gold digger, few women would say "yes, in fact i am". No one wants to think of themselves as bad or selfish people even if they are. It’s a rare person who can look in the mirror and accept all that they are. To avoid guilt most people have protection mechanisms called denial, and justification.

The most common form of justification I’ve heard from players is "if a girl comes out to play, she knows what she’s getting herself into". Pushing the blame on to the victim is a well known psychological process that’s common amongst those guilty of a crime that hurts another human being. How a player treats his "target" is much the same, by blaming the victim the player avoids any guilt associated with doing something they actually know is bad.

Recently I let a couple of girls know who James Bond was. If you don't know who I am refering to, it's not the James Bond in the movies, but a guy I know. I talk about him in an old post in June. He's called James Bond because he's the most successful player I know. I told the girls because I know how the scene works and I just want my female friends to know who my player friends are to avoid any of them getting hurt.

James Bond found out.

In response he sent me a couple of messages on facebook. I've been trying to interview James Bond for months, to find out exactly how he operates. Ironically now that he's pissed off he's speaking with his heart and revealing a lot more about how a player thinks.:

"Could you stop backstabbing me by telling others that I’m a playboy/I have a lot of GFs? You don’t even know me and I treated you as a friend……." Then deletes me on facebook.

I wrote back saying, what’s the big deal? I tell my friends I am a player too.

"Stop finding yourself excuses as it does not make any fucking sense to me man. you are just a loser, period. I can’t consider you as a friend anymore. No decent guy friends of mine would say things like that, grow up and be a man with honor. All I can see is a selfish ass who stabs his friends for girls."

Now I got mad, because I don't mind if a priest gave me a lecture about "decency", "honor", and "selfisness". But the biggest player I know!? Here's my response to the guy:

1) First of all, I am not close to you. I’ve been clubbing with you less than half a dozen times, dinner once, and I was invited to one Taipei trip together because I would be a good wing man. It’s not like I would have been invited if I was a 400 lb ugly fat fuck, that would not have fit in well with a clubbing crew. Lets be honest, right?

2) Don’t talk to me about honor. That’s like a thief telling another thief to have honor amongst thieves. A long time ago I realized there were only strong/weak, good/bad in this world. I’ll rather protect a "good" female friend than a fucked in the head "bad" male friend. Look in the dictionary, honor means integrity and dignity. Honor is not about fucking a different girl every other week, then going to a club and finding a new girl. It’s only because I do have honor that I warn my female friends, rather than stay quiet and watch as they become prey.

3) Only a player would assume that someone warning girls is actually backstabbing him to get girls. Of course it "makes no fucking sense" when I tell girls I am a player, anyone that does that significantly lowers their chance of getting that girl. Most players wouldn't get this because they think with their dick, and assumes everyone else does the same. Seriously there couldn't be a better definition of selfishness than a guy who's dick's more important than everything else around him.

4) Players should just face the fact that they’re players, be a fucking man and admit to it. It's only decent to stop pretending to be a nice guy. Why pretend to have any decency, date, use, then dump a girl? Have the balls to tell girls that you’re sleeping around, and then if the girl still wants to have sex with you, she’s made the conscious choice. Don’t lead her on into thinking you will be her boyfriend and then break her heart.

5) If you don’t want to be a honorable man, that’s fine. I'm not exactly a saint myself, and I'm not going to shove morality and moral highground down your throat. But if and when you meet female friends of mine I will tell them you are a player to protect them.

If people can't take the reputational heat, then maybe they shouldn't have done it in the first place. That goes for Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer, and James Bond.

*Ok, now that you've read this post. What's your opinion? Was it right for me to warn female friends the guy's a player? Two guys, have said the following: It wasn't your business to get involved, and besides, getting hurt is a process through which the girls grow and learn about relationships and guys.
Two girls on the other hand have said it was reasonable to warn the girls. If they were the girls, they would definitely have preferred to have known.

Hmm, seems like what people think is reasonable or not is divided along gender lines.

What's your stance?

How to get a guy to settle down part 9: Playing hard to get

2008-09-13T13:36:00.007+08:00

I have a female friend that's really pretty and she's very nice, but she's been single for a long time, so I asked a few questions to find out why. I then realised the girl was probably acting too defensive when guys approached her, and it came off as playing hard to get, and she was conveying "not interested" without realising it.

Playing hard to get doesn't work.........let me explain why.

I recently bought a bunch of books for research in preparation for a book I want to write, and I realised several of the most popular self help books on the market basically just teach women how to play hard to get. Now I know why those books got so popular, because they are written in a way which come off as empowering to women. The impression they give is, if you are too nice you will only get hurt (which is true if you're unlucky) but if you play hard to get you'll definitely get the guy you want, which is a big friggin lie. One book even said that if you play hard to get even the biggest player in the world will fall for you. That's just a lie, and not surprising considering the book was written by authors that were advocating games and deception.

Even if you could get the biggest player in the world to fall for you, why would you even want such a man? Men don't really change, and if you marry a big player there's greater chance the guy's just going to fuck around later when you're married.

Now, some girls would say the ideas in these books actually work. But that's because by playing hard to get you guarantee two things. One, the guys that don't really like you will by put off and quit chasing, that includes the players. Two, you'll be so self absorbed by your happiness, you, yourself, and not getting YOURSELF hurt, that you will love the guy less than he loves you, and that's always a good way to reduce the chances of getting hurt.

Ok, so it's not easy finding someone that loves you the same as you love them, in most relationships one person is more in love. That's true even for many married couples. But manipulation is unnatural, it's tiring and will only create problems years later when it creates a series of other problems.

Playing hard to get also only works on those that are blindly and crazily in love with you in the first place. What the books suggest is that men like challenges, so as soon as you play hard to get you drive men raving mad and every man wants to buy you a wedding ring. Now it works more on guys that enjoy a challenge, but that doesn't mean the guy's necessarily going to be a good partner, because many players and stringers also enjoy challenges and they're the ones that will be problematic in a relationship later on.

Meanwhile when you play hard to get you turn off three groups of men that generally make good partners. Firstly the intuitive, perceptive types that understand people clearly and can tell when they're being jerked around. Secondly, the introverted shy tpyes, who'll make a good partner but needs an encouraging pull rather than a shove away. Last but not least, the guys that have been hurt just like yourself, and don't ever want to go near a woman that's playing games.

The key ladies is to not be easy, and to retain your independence. "Playing hard to get" and "not being easy" are not the same thing, work it out.......The key to happiness is a balancing issue, which is to love someone but also to love yourself and protect yourself at the same time.

So how not to be easy?

Firstly, do not ever have sex with a guy too soon. In fact, if a guy asks you to spend the night with him on the first two dates, say bye forever. Guys are not stupid, they know women don't want to have sex too soon. So the guys that want to have sex with you on the first couple of dates either view you as a sex object, or doesn't really like you because if he did he knows he should wait. Don't buy all that, "hey baby I like you a lot, so want to be with you" crap. Have a little dignity and realise even if you like the guy, he's dick is more important than you and don't call him again. Or you have sex with him if you think he's cute, but you better be aware it was just sex!

After the first couple of dates he might start trying but you shouldn't have sex with a guy in the first month you're seeing him. That way you get to learn a lot about each other, and he developes feelings for you, rather than the sex just being a physical act.

The other thing about not being easy is how to act once you're already in a stable relationship. Do not turn into the guy's mum or maid on call. That's the quickest way for a guy to start losing interest in you. Don't always be the one to go over to a guys place every time he wants you. If you're going to be a dial-a-hug, dial-a-maid or worse, dial-a-fuck, he's going to take you for granted. That's because he knows you love him so much you're willing to be on call.

You can help but do not clean up the guy's place regularly. You're not a maid or his mum, if you don't like his place being messy tell him to clean it up himself or hire a maid or you're going to dump him. Always make sure the guy knows if he doesn't treat you right, you will leave him.

The problem with loving a person too much is if that person starts taking you for granted, they will start pushing the limits of what they can get away with. The person that's more in love will give way because they're scared if they don't it will cause conflict and they will lose the one they love. Little do they know that simply by giving way, and doing everything the other person wants, they're already on the path to losing them. Even if they don't lose the guy, they're going to be on the path to a terribly unhappy relationship.

Plus, maids and mums are boring. Guys want to date someone that's fun and exciting, just like girls want to date guys that are fun and exciting. People that are going to be an adventure to be with rather than boring, are generally more attractive to the opposite sex.

Not being easy is not an excuse to be a bitch either, to act detached, alof or abrasive. I know there's a lot of selfish bitches out there that wonder why they're alone. Well...........because you're a selfish bitch! What the vast majority of men want is a woman that's indepedent, and not a push over, but at the same time still caring and supportive. Remember, it's not about playing hard to get. It's about balance! This is what seperates the girls that men will date for years and then break up with, and the ones they want to marry.

Also, if you're still wondering why you don't have a man, it's because you need to get out there in the first place. You can't meet men staying at home, so join clubs, go to more social events and even go speed dating. Just meet more guys, and be willing to flirt. Get a bigger pool to pick from, just be more selective and don't be easy once you get into the whole courtship process with a guy.

Confused? No one said it was going to be easy. If you've got questions you can't contact me on facebook, or read the book when it comes out.

Sep/ Chapter 3: Psycho?

2008-09-09T20:53:00.003+08:00

Below is a post a woman actually made in a personal ad. It was forwarded to me by a friend who said it's a real ad. I'm not so sure, but considering this is Hong Kong, I'm not surprised if it is real. My advice is not to post an ad like this, or to expect any man will ever want a woman like this.

AD:

I am hoping to have a handsome, very nice and normal CAUCASIAN gentleman who can be my husband. I have seen some European men can get married with HK women after they met a couple weeks right away so I take this chance for myself. Honestly I do not expect that we have to be a perfect match to fall in love. I wish I can meet you in the right time for a serious long term relationship and develop a family right away together. If you can't meet my expectations and demanding, please simply do not reply. I know that a handsome, good and very nice Caucasian gentleman can make decision quickly. I hope you are with the VERY BEST INTENTIONS AND EXCELLENT PROPOSAL for me !! In case, you are a honorable person you should provide this road map to me with clear milestones. In case, you don't have firm intentions to be with me, please leave me out of any games and stay away. I may not hit the right tone sometimes but I believe I express my wish and goals in a very clear manner. I believe action speaks louder than words. I promise you this is a real posting, not a spam or fake so please be ready if you are a real gentleman for this sweetheart. I would like to show you how men cheated here on this site. I hope you are all about envisioning what I want for my life which will help manifest my dreams. You let my desires be known! Sorry, I do not have so much time for all BS.

PLEASE tell me something about yourself and send your RECENT PHOTOS, CONTACT DETAILS and TELEPHONE NO. If you do not give your information then I will just pass 'Delete'. You are ready getting into the airplane; coming to meet me in Hong Kong IMMEDIATELY. I won't be afraid to take a few risks but I would not travel all the way to USA or Europe or anywhere so you'd better come and meet me in Hong Kong first, however I would consider to travel and move once I clarified your identity.

YOU

1. If you come here only for your business trip or just for fun, not for keeps then please go for NEXT. I am NOT interested to be your temporary companion or FREE tour guide.

2. You are ready to devote your life to establishing and building a strong and serious long term relationship leading to marriage and to have our own beautiful babies together soon. You want to have our own 1-2 kids in the future who can learn and play with my ideal future husband.

3. You are personal financially very stable and secured - RICH. You can give me everything what I need and want with actions because of LOVE. You should / can afford the whole family. You can give and share your wealth with real proofs and actions. I know some nice caucasian gentlemen can do it for their women.

4. You are healthy and fit, not a drinker/smoker, no cigar and drug, thanks ! You are not into the bars very much !! You like to eat everything if the food is good. Yes, I can cook yummy western and eastern food but not every day. I am scared of too oily food. I like dining out as well.

5. You're willing to travel to Hong Kong and meet me in person and my parents. YES, we can travel or move to anywhere of the world !!

6. You appreciate "staying home woman" who can add values being with you but I am not your maid and you are not looking for a career woman.

7. I want to show you what it means to have a loyal partner (not a fooling pig) who will completely commit myself to ONE VERY NICE GENTLEMAN.

8. You are not a big sport fans. I mean you do not watch sports channels all the time and play sports all the time during all weekends !!

9. You are in the age around late 30s- 40s years old; good and clean shape, WHITE, HANDSOME. YOU MUST BE VERY SINGLE.

10. Easy to talk to but SERIOUS, ROMANCE, CARING, RESPONSIBLE FOR ME, ONE WOMAN MAN. I do not want to have HIV.

11. You have to accept everything good and bad of me.

12. You are not in any religions because I am not.

13. You do not carry your ex. baggage and you do not talk to other women. You have never married with no kids. If you are divorced then I would consider it if you are for real but please do not give me your ex. baggage and lies !!!!

14. You don't let any gossips or comments and then you let go your ambition and confident. You'll always protect and love me.

This is SHE.

1. Hong Kong Born, Middle 30s, realistic, direct, straight, slim-slender with long brown hair and eyes, quite pretty and look younger as some people said !

2. I am wanting to marry with A Handsome, Very Nice, Normal Caucasian Gentleman for a serious long term relationship leading to marriage who is SIMPLE, HONEST, SINCERE, PASSIONATE and UPFRONT WITH ME seriously.

3. Liked dress very casual to classy dress up.

4. I am not into bar sense pretty much. I do not like to pick any guys or being picked at the bars. I usually hang out with my friends once in a while.

5. I do not smoke and drink socially (just a couple of beer or wine), no drug, thanks !

6. I am in an INTERNATIONAL city (HONG KONG).

7. I prefer MONOGAMOUS relationship - NOT COMPLICATED.

8. I have never married with no kids.

9. I am willing to relocate to be with you and you must have to arrange all things for me.

10. I could not be with any men who's very selfish and cared about himself more than me !

11. I do not think highly of myself. I don't have to tell you what is my education because I am not applying a job here. It makes a lot of senses. A job should not be related to a personal relationship. Some people like this way to have their relationships but at the end, the relationships did not work out after a certain years what I have known. I do not mess up my relationships.

12. I am not a superstar.

PLEASE DO IT, PLEASE DO NOT JUST SAY IT. IT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE !!! Again, please read my posting clearly before you decided to response ! Please do not bother me if you cannot meet my expectations and demanding. I am not interested in any playboys, fakers and old men who plays games all time !!

Sep/ Chapter 2: Dating Amnesia

2008-09-08T21:28:00.012+08:00

Sorry I haven’t updated the blog in a while. I’ve been partying pretty hard, and also been busy doing research for a book I will be writing in the near future.

One of the things that intrigues me about this blog is the reaction I’ve gotten from girls when I tell them about it. When I introduce this blog to girls that are single, and especially those that have been hurt badly by guys or have problems getting the right man, they will vigorously read it, and try to learn as much about men as possible.

The girls also seem very opinionated about the whole topic. That’s because when a girl’s single most of the men aren’t even datable to her, and of the men that do seem to be datable, there’s a high probability that man will end up hurting her feelings. So she wants to learn strategies that will help her get the right man and avoid the players.

That seems to all change when girls get into a relationship. When I introduce a girl that’s in a relationship to this blog, that girl will usually be indifferent to the existence of the blog. They don’t feel like they need to learn about men, or the truth behind how men think, because they naturally assume their man is not a player or stringer. Even if they realize their man is not going to commit, they hope they can change the man.

It’s like girls that are dating all of a sudden forget what it’s like to be single. They get dating amnesia, which means they forget the circumstances of the pervious breakups. All of a sudden they don’t think the laws of dating, and the nature of men applies to the man they're with anymore.

Strangely I've seen this type of behavior before when I used to visit online forums. You see it exhibited by people that feel strongly about something. You tend to see it the most when it comes to strong religious or political opinions. If someone wants to believe in something bad enough, then whenever a new piece of data comes along that contradicts their belief, the person will tend to shut out the new piece of data or assume it's wrong, even if it's logical and disproves their belief.

Some girls start to believe early on in a relationship their man's going to be different from all the other men before, and don't want information which might prove otherwise. But really, the man should earn this trust.

The truth is, every single boyfriend include the current one the girl is dating has only one thing in common. The guy’s capable of hurting the girl, whether the guy is actually the one is usually down to luck, or better picking on the girl's part (Hence this blog). So even if a girl is happy, she should still take the time to understand men. Getting an insurance policy doesn’t mean wanting trouble to happen, it’s just about being prepared in case you have a case of bad luck.

Hopefully, everyone ends up with the jackpot guy. Men that will be all over their girlfriend and wives, and the relationship is perfect. But until you get a rock the size of a pea, it’s always a good idea to keep reading and learning.

Sep/ Chapter 1: Individuality, good or bad?

2008-09-02T18:15:00.006+08:00

The other day I started wondering if we’re better off or worse since society dramatically liberalized in the 1960’s, and people followed the rigid rules of society a lot less. These days there is greater emphasis on individualism and doing what we feel like doing.

In the past there were certain standards for behavior which fewer people follow now. But those standards wheren't necessarily creating the best results. Fewer people had sex before marriage back then so it was common for people to end up with someone they were not sexually compatible with. Also, people felt obligated to marry for the sake of marrying, marrying someone to please their parents and also sticking with unhappy marriages rather than divorce.

More liberal thinking allowed people to avoid messy marriages. People could now date many people before marriage, have a lot more fun in the process and also figure out what they wanted out of a partner. People now know what they want, and would rather stay single than get into an unhappy marriage.

But have we now swung over to the other extreme? Are people worse off than about 20 years ago? More than one people has complained that the dating scene has gotten a lot worse, and both guys and girls are a lot more selfish, and manipulative. Gone are the days when people seemed to respect each other, now people will do whatever is best for themselves, without worrying whether it was going to hurt the person they’ve been with.

The reason it’s gotten really bad is simply because we now follow our instincts more and more, and do what we feel like doing. But as I’ve discussed many times on this blog previously, our instincts are probably harmful to us. At least in a modern society with morals, doing exactly what we want is going to create a slippery slope downwards.

People these days don’t want to be told what to do, they don’t want to feel any sort of guilt or be judged in any way. They just want to do what feels best, and that to an extent is sad. Sad because although we’ve progressed as a society, in terms of the dating scene we’re more animal like than we were 50 years ago. More promiscuous as a society, less faithful, and have no concern on the affect our actions have on others.

I was having drinks with a friend the other night, and she told me out of 10 married expat couples she knew that got married in Hong Kong, in all cases the men had asked prior to proposing to be given a few months to split up and enjoy their single life. Which means basically go crazy and fuck around prior to getting married.

I explained to her that’s just guys getting scared they will lose their freedom forever, and following their instinctive needs to go sleep with multiple women. We are after all just smart animals, and still have our instincts that have taken millions of years to evolve. Even girls are the same except they have different needs from men. But then she came up with a good counter arguement:

“Isn’t it sad that in this day and age, we can’t even trust the one we want to spend the rest of our lives with? That the institution of marriage is no longer sacred, and women are just marrying ‘smart animals?’ “

Yeah, how very sad indeed………Maybe our society has gone to the other wrong extreme and people should control themselves a little more.

How to get a guy to settle part 8: Love someone who loves you

2008-08-25T20:29:00.012+08:00

So, what other ways to find out if a guy’s going to be the committed type and not just stringing you along? Well the simple and seemingly obvious answer is to like only those guys that love you, and going to treat you well.

But to do this, you might need to have the strength to control your own instincts and figure out what you deem attractive.

Now, as explained at the beginning of this blog. Women are instinctively attracted to "bad guys". Firstly a guy that’s outgoing will naturally be able to get more women, and doesn't need to stick with one girl. Secondly, as explained in Chapter 2 in June if a women has children with a guy that can reproduce with more women (usually an alpha male type) then if she has a son with this guy, her son will also be more promiscuous, hence sleep around and also pass her genes on.

You might think that’s ridiculous, women don’t pick men that sleep around. "Give me a break! Women want nice guys!" you say. But speaking from personal experience, and many other guys will testify to this. Nice guys come last, and women are more likely to pick "bad guys". When I was younger I learnt to stop caring for girls so much when I was chasing them. When I didn’t really like a girl but just wanted to get a her in bed, I came off as cool and fun to be with, and I would be more likely to get the girl. But whenever I really cared about a girl, it would show and I would come off as needy and desperate, the girl would lose interest, and I would get my feelings hurt.

Haha, don’t go awwww. I’m being very serious here, and it’s all true.

People that really care may sometimes try a bit too hard, and come off desperate, clingy, and needy. As I said before even players can end up getting their hearts broken, because the irony is on the rare occasions the player really was serious about someone, that someone didn’t care back.

That just shows that it’s not only about the looks or how eligible a guy is. When a guy doesn’t care, he scores higher on list 1, and the woman is naturally attracted to him. But it’s hard to tell if he’s going to score high or low on list 3. Players don't broadcast their intentions and that's the secret to their success. The guy could be sleeping with 5 girls at the same time, and as long as the girl doesn’t find out, because she likes him, she will naturally assume he scores high on list 3. If she really likes him she won't even care if he scores low!

Now, when I say nice guys I don’t mean an ugly guy you find repulsive. I mean a decent looking guy that’s interesting, but you start losing interest because he’s calling you 5 times a day, and always wants to see you. You’re probably losing interest because he’s coming off as desperate and needy. But he’s probably not a loser, it’s more likely he just really cares about you. If the definition of a loser is someone that breaks your heart, then it’s probably more likely a guy that’s cool, confident, but indifferent will be that loser, than someone that comes off as needy.

It may seem so obvious, but you’ll be surprised how women are driven by instinct to like "bad guys", and ignore the guys that will actually treat them well. Some women learn to give up on players earlier in life after being hurt, but many women in their 30's will still end up dating men that are interesting but won’t commit.

Another way to spot if someone’s going to score low on list 3 is to find out how they treat other people. A guy that’s generally good with a good heart is less likely to cheat on you or use you, because it’s not in his nature. But if a guy is shit to others, then he’s likely to be shit to all girls. I posted earlier about narcissists, people that love themselves too much and will be bad partners in relationships.
There are also guys that just see women as physical sex objects. These guys might be good fun to hang out with as friends, and they will probably have many female friends they respect, but when it comes to the girls they chase, it’s a game and they don’t care if they break the girl’s heart.

Again you say it’s obviousnot to go for such guys. But again, you’ll be surprised how many girls stay with guys they know have broken the hearts of many girls. The key to the player’s success is he won’t advertise it at the start, and once the girl finds out later she’s too in love to care. Even if she worries he’s going to do it to her as well, chances are she can't stop being with the guy.

Some girls even date guys that have girlfriends or married already, desperately hoping she can make a guy leave his woman for her. Now you might look down on such women, but again the secret to the guy's success is he doesn't broadcast he's married at the start. Once the girl is in love she's finds it much harder to leave the guy even if she knows what she's doing is wrong.

But I think the answer here is simple. If a guy can leave a girl he’s already with for another girl, he can do it again to the new girl some time in the future.

So if you're done dating guys that seem fun but break your heart, then simply date the guy loves you at the start. He might come off as desperate and needy, but someone that’s already in love with you will be less likely to be playing around. If he's really a weirdo, and not desperate and needy because he's in love, it's much easier for you to drop him emotionally, than someone you love but doesn't care about you.

Of course, once you find out the guy is abusive, cheats all the time, and manipulative. The reality is he doesn't really love you at all. No matter how much it hurts, you got to leave him. There are so many other guys out there, and dragging it on is just a waste of your own time.....

How to get a guy to settle part 7: Compromise (cont'd)

2008-08-12T22:48:00.008+08:00

Ok, so what do these lists tell us?

Well, first of all the lists give a more structured idea of what girls really wants in a man. Just about every girl will hope for the "jackpot guy". The jackpot guy is the guy that’s charismatic, has a good job, and will be faithful and commit. But unfortunately the jackpot guy probably forms less than 1% of the single male population. Every time he magically appears he’s snapped up immediately.

For the other 99% of the female population, you need to make a compromise. Certain qualities just don’t mix together. For example charisma and commitment tend to be inversely related, because the more charismatic men can get lots of women, and hence don’t want to settle with just one girl.

Successful players all have qualities from list 1 (charisma), and depending on the age and profession will also have qualities from list 2 (money). But of course they lack qualities from list 3 (commitment). Women fall for players because they are instinctively attracted to the qualities in list 1. When a player hits on a girl, the girl doesn’t know whether he sleeps around or not, she might not even care. The player is concerned about getting the girl in bed, and what the girl is thinking about is she’s met a guy that’s charming and charismatic.

All a player has to do to get a girl in bed is not to come off as a guy that won’t commit during the courtship phase. He might not even have to lie, it’s the girl that’s made the assumption the player was serious when he wasn’t. The player’s mission is basically to form a fantasy in the girl’s head, because that’s where his success lies.

I know a friend so wrapped up in the fantasy, her man later told her he doesn’t want to commit and wants to see other girls, and she won’t leave him because she hopes he will settle down one day.

Here’s the not so big secret………You can’t create the jackpot man! Men don’t change just because you hope they will!

Women do this all the time, they go find a charismatic man, and then expect they can change that guy and he will settle down. Then when the man doesn’t change they’ve wasted 2-3 years on a man. It’s not a big secret once you realize the dynamics of the problem and the small odds of ever finding the jackpot man. Even if a girl is extremely attractive the chances of finding the jackpot man is down to luck, which is why all those pretty girls out there are still looking and still single.

Here’s a couple of mistakes to avoid, and strategies if applied would help a girl increase her chances of finding a decent guy, not the jackpot guy, but someone decent.

Stop trying to find the jackpot guy, you can’t control whether you find him or not. It’s purely down to chance, and the odds are pretty low. Girls that "know what they want" but want perfection will end up single for life. (So will guys, and I know a few guys like that)

Do not focus on list 2 too much, especially the quality of a guy lavishing gifts on his girlfriend. Hong Kong is a place that places too much importance on materialism, and lots of girls are too materialistic. HK men are not dumb, women here are infamous amongst the men for being too greedy. Firstly, when a girl expects too many free meals and gifts from her man, then unless she has some sort of control over her man, the man can get rid of her whenever he loses interest. Secondly, imagine meeting Jackpot man, who’s actually got money and will provide for his wife, but he happens to hate gold diggers and girls that take their men for granted.

Girls that are materalistic are just reducing their own chances of finding a commited husband. But if lots of gifts and free meals are more important than a partner for life then sure, a girl should pursue what makes her happy.

Realize that list 3 is the most important and list 1 is the least. List 3 has no meaning if you are just having a fling, but unless you can break up with the guy without heartache you better find someone strong on list 3 in the first place. Focusing on list 1 and hoping to get qualities in list 3 out of the guy can be a big waste of time and potential tragedy. This is not to say that you go out and find a totally boring guy, because you still need to be happy. But lots of girls need to lower their expectations for list 1.

Girls need to get out there to meet more people. When they’re out there they need to be open to dating all guys, and not just the ones that are charismatic and create the best first impressions. The reason women seem to always end up with players is because players always make the first move! Some men might have high marks from list 2 and 3, but just happen to be shy and not as socially outgoing. They might not be the jackpot man but they could be a great boyfriend and husband, you just had to take the time to get to know them! So if a guy is shy a girl could always flirt with him to arouse interest or make him braver.

How to get a guy to settle part 6: Compromise

2008-08-12T22:35:00.006+08:00

One of the reasons I started this blog was because I was curious why there were so many good looking, smart and successful women that were single, and many were already in their 30’s. It made no sense because if it was down to natural selection then these women would be the most sort after by men, and none of them should be single.

Then I realized it was because the most attractive women were also looking for the most outgoing and successful men, and wanted commitment at the same time. By expecting more, the women were all competing for a limited supply of men that were outgoing, successful and weren’t playing around.

If I told a beautiful successful woman, she could definitely get married if she found an ugly short fella with a mediocre job, would she go for that guy? Very unlikely, and she would say it’s because she’s not attracted to the guy, or has no feelings for the guy. But average women marry short ugly men with mediocre jobs all the time! Those women know what’s good looking and what’s not, but they lower their expectations to find someone they are actually able to settle down with.

There’s a mechanism subconsciously somewhere, where a woman is calculating what type of a man she can get. Since women are driven to find the best man possible, if she can’t get that man she’ll rather be single than get married. So the more attractive women stay single and keep looking and looking.

Now, you probably know what I’m going to say. You think I am going to tell all the pretty girls to lower their expectations and marry ugly men. Not true, I just want the girls to reassess what they really need in a man and what they can give up on.

There are three groups of qualities women like in men, and the important thing to remember is that the groups are separate, so a guy could score high in one group and low in the others. The first group relates to charisma and tends to be what women are instinctively attracted to.

Remember these are selection criteria developed over millions of years, and are attractive to the woman because if she was with a man with such qualities then the chances of her and her offspring surviving increases. They might not impact survival in the modern world as much but women are still attracted to them. Here are the lists of modern qualities, the brackets are explanations of why they are attractive from an evolutionary perspective:

Charisma and looks (Qualities that makes a man more competitive in human society)
Good social skills
Confident
Intelligent
Charming
Good sense of humor
Decent looks and height.

Material wealth and resources (More resources equals increased chance of survival)
Lots of money
Good job
Nice clothes and car
Willingness to lavish gifts on a female partner.

Commitment (Increased survival chances for a woman and her offspring as her man is actually close to her to protect and provide for them)
Not playing the girl
Not stringing the girl along but willing to marry
Not sleeping around with other women
Being at home with the family after work

In the next post I will explain how a woman can reassess what she wants from a man from looking at these tables.

How to get guys to settle part 5: Narcissists

2008-08-11T20:21:00.008+08:00

It’s hard to spot stringers at the start of a relationship because you need to find out a lot about a guy’s character before you can make a judgment call. But there are some guys that are obvious stringers, or worse, nightmare partners even if you marry them.

Since I’ve started this blog I’ve heard some pretty tragic stories.
Guy dates a girl for years then goes and gets someone else pregnant, and won’t pay for the abortion. Guy gets drunk and smacks his girl around like a punching bag. Guy convinces reluctant girlfriend to get into a threesome with him and another girl, and when she walks out of the room, he doesn’t chase her down but does it with the other girl.

When I bring up these stories most people will probably have a few questions or comments to make, and I’ll address the most likely questions.

"How often does this stuff happen? It would never happen to me!": Tragic stories happen more often than people realize. That’s mainly because they happen behind closed doors and so we hear very few stories. In Hong Kong, about 20% of families face some sort of domestic violence in the household, either directed at the wife, or parents at the kids. So a large number of men have anger issues. Also, lots of men cheat, we know that. It’s just rarer for men to get caught in such an uncaring manner.

"Why would a girl put up with any of the above situations, is she crazy?": Most people have counseled friends that have stuck with boyfriends or even girlfriends that were obviously not a good partner, and the relationship was pretty toxic. Yet the person that was hurting would always seem to go back to their nightmare boyfriend and girlfriend, as if they were a drug addict that could not pull away from something obviously unhealthy.

But these people are not crazy. What’s happened is they were being controlled by strong feelings due to the pair bonding they’ve had with their partner. There’s usually various ways in which such strong pair bonding occurs. But the most common is strong sexual attraction, and I’m not trying to be shallow here by bring it back to sex. This is the truth.

If you want a guy to go crazy about a girl you don’t find him a caring girlfriend, you find him a very attractive woman that’s at the top of the range of what he can get. If you want to drive a girl crazy, you get her a guy that can make her cum real hard, through good sex. This behavior is even examined in the recent Ang Lee movie "Lust Caution", where a woman falls in love with the man she’s meant to kill.

The sex or physical appearance isn’t necessarily what the person will consciously think about all the time when they think of their partner. The good sex just serves as the pair bonding mechanism. What the girl will end up thinking about when a relationship sours and the guy turns out to be a jerk is the good memories they had together, hopes of the future they could have together and a focus on the good aspects of her problematic man. On the other hand, if she thinks about breaking up with the man it only brings heartache.

When someone is confronted with strong attraction for a partner, and pain at the thought of leaving them, then no matter how badly their partner screws up, as long as they say sorry they will be able to string the infatuated person along. So it’s important to identify which guys are going to be bad partners before a girl falls for the guy hard, and then has a problem leaving the man.

"What’s wrong with these guys?" Well if a guy is violent then obviously he’s got anger management issues. But I think the uncaring way in which these guys act is tied to a character flaw both men and women may have.

These people are egocentric and narcissists and only care about themselves, their own needs and affairs. Even though they want their partners, they will only care about them when their partner’s wellbeing doesn’t conflict with their own desires. If they have desires that would significantly hurt the interests of their partner, they will go and do it anyway.

No one starts off as a nightmare boyfriend, the guy will be great then slowly shows his true colors. But if you ever find someone that consistently shows a serious lack of respect for your feelings and interests, then no matter how much you care about him, and no matter how many times he says sorry, warning bells should sound in your head. Early signs can be shown from as early as a few weeks into a relationship to a few months. Avoid egocentric people, because things will only get worse with them.

Aug/ Chapter 1: Shanghai nights

2008-08-06T04:46:00.015+08:00

Ok, gonna take a small break from the relationship advice for women, and tell you a story from a few months ago. It's a story about treating your women right. See, when a woman really loves a man she can put up with a lot of shit. The guy can be a total bastard to her, and she might even know her man is cheating. But no matter how much a woman loves her man, if he keeps breaking her heart and someone else comes along and the conditions are right, she's going to cheat.

It was getting close to winter and I was visiting my best friend yet again in Shanghai. He had recently gotten married with his lovely wife whom I was also friends with. But I stay at their place each time I go because it's fun to hang out at night, do boys stuff like eat and drink late into the night whilst chatting and playing his Xbox.

Shanghai is one of the biggest party towns in the World, and it has the best looking women on earth there. The best looking females out of a 1.2 billion population gravitate to this Mecca of decadence, and debuchery for two things...........money..........and men with money. One thing I both like and dislike about Shanghai is how easy the locals girls are. Not all the girls are like that, but a lot of the girls just throw themselves at the expat men.

Being a Western educated Chinese with money is Shanghai is like being a hungry man at a free buffet at the Grand Hyatt. It's the only place I've ever been to where I didn't have to hit on women, and the women walked up to me. But there's one thing that I can't stand about Shanghai, and that was the stench of golddiggers. I hate women that go after men not because they are in love, but because they are in love with a man's wallet.

My friend has a big crew in Shanghai, in his short time there he and his wife had built an extensive network of friends and associates, so it was a lot of fun to go up there. Whenever I go up there I don't have to make an effort to meet strangers, it always feels like I was visiting my second home.

The clubs are excellent, much better than the ones in Hong Kong. One of my best friend's buddies was a western educated Chinese guy that was totally pimped out with a crew of hot female friends. He was no gangster but his table was the stuff of dreams with tall, beautiful, leggy girls grinding against the guys, and they weren't even pros.

I started dancing and grinding with one of the girls who spoke English well, and found out she was educated in Australia and used to be a flight attendant. OH flight attendant! Flight attendants were girls I've always wanted to try but never gotten. These days there are a lot around in HK, but they are still every guy's dream, especially when the guy's out of town and in party mode.

A few hours later I was taking the girl back to her place and we were making out in the cab. When we got downstairs I asked if I could go up to her place and that's when she dropped a bombshell on me. She told me she had a boyfriend and loved him very much. I struggled to think of a reason why she didn't really love her boyfriend, and should spend the night with me. "But, but........" I spluttered, and then she left.

You have no idea how lonely it is to be in your best friend's living room in Shanghai by yourself at 4am, with a cup noodle and a Xbox

The next day whilst at a lunch buffet with my friend and his buddies at the Westin I called the girl and arranged to meet her for dinner. The Westin serves free Champagne, and there was lots of beer and whisky at the Karaoke in the afternoon. So when I met the girl I was already in caveman mode, happy and talkative.

I found out later that night her boyfriend was an expat and businessman, and he was a real bastard to her. She had quit her job as a flight attendant because he didn't like her flying around, being in other cities, with the potential of meeting other men. She wasn't working for a mainland Chinese carrier either, it was an international carrier which paid well, so she had made a big sacrifice for him. But despite her sacrifice he neglected her, and talked down to her.

So I did what any decent guy who wanted to sleep with a girl that's taken would do. I told her, her boyfriend was a scumbag and she deserved someone better.

A few hours later after spending some time at a local club, we were downstairs at her apartment again. This time I got out of the cab to kiss her good bye. I told myself there was no way I was eating a cup noodle by myself that night, playing Xbox alone in the dark in my best friend's apartment

So I spent half an hour in the freezing cold telling her she deserved better and her boyfriend was a scumbag. Then out of nowhere the best line I had ever uttered in my entire life popped out of my mouth......."hey babe, I don't want to intrude but I need a drink and the toilet, can I come up to your place for a few minutes?"

=)

The girl turned out to be crazy in bed. She was relatively quiet and demure at dinner, but when we got to her bedroom she rode me like a sex starved insane bitch. It was kinda surreal, being drunk, happy that I wasn't playing on my friends Xbox two nights in a row, and wondering how a girl can be so surprisingly different in bed. Then I realised it was because she really was sex starved and going insane, because her man was never around her.

We had breakfast and then after I said bye to my best friend I took a cab to the airport with the girl. She wasn't taking me all the way to the airport to say bye to me at the departure gate. The girl was picking her boyfriend up, because he was landing an hour after I took off.

Truly classic, the guy had been away for the weekend on business, probably in some other town in China screwing another girl, smug and happy that he was away from his annoying girlfriend. Meanwhile some guy from Hong Kong, was fucking his girlfriend's brains out in his apartment.

So treat your woman right, or next time she picks you up at the airport with a big grin on her face, it's not because she's happy to see you......

How to get a guy to settle part 4: Take your time

2008-08-05T08:49:00.013+08:00

Taking your time during the courtship stage of a relationship is very important. This requires quite a bit of self control in terms of behavior and thought processes.

The first and most important thing is not to have sex too quickly. Most women know this already, but they end up doing it too quickly, because lets face it.......girls like having sex as well. If a guy really likes you he can wait, in fact, if a guy wants you to have sex with him at any point in the first 2 dates, that’s a warning sign. It shows that the guy is thinking with his dick, and most probably a player. Even if a guy isn't a player, you don't want to start a relationship that's based on sex at the start.

But please don’t lead a guy on, don’t invite a guy up to your apartment late at night, start kissing him on your couch. Then when he tries to take your clothes off, you go “aha! You’re a player!”. You don't know how many girls have come up to my place and done this. I mean, were they seriously fucking with me? (pun intended) Actually, a lot of girls do this last minute resistance thing, it's actually documented.
But that’s called entrapment and hardly a good test of a guy’s character. If you wave a sausage in front of a hungry dog, it's got to be REALLY well trained not to take a bite. Pick neutral areas, preferably without the consumption of too much alcohol, and don’t let a guy take you to his place or up to yours.

Lengthening the courtship process will also allow you to find out more about the guy and make sure he’s not a stringer. The key is to find out what he’s views are on relationships, family and friendships. Also you need to find our his views on morality in general. Don't worry, you don't need to do all this before you have sex, that's unrealistic. But you better find out early on in the relationship before you've wasted 2-3 years on a stringer.

Never date guys with no close friends. It shows the guy has problems getting close to and connecting with other people. There are guys that will have lots of friends but they are not close to anyone. The guys with solid brotherly like friendships are the ones that will be better at intimacy and potentially marriage.

In addition, what happens to the guy’s close friends is an indicator of whether the guy will settle down soon or not. If most of a guy’s close friends are already married then he will be more likely to get married. Not only does it mean he has fewer buddies with time to hang out together, but seeing his best friends happily married will make some guys reassess and think about what’s important in life.

Men from broken families might be less likely to marry. If a person’s parents get divorced whilst they are still young, that person might develop a lack of faith in the institution of marriage. Speaking from a personal point of view, because my real parents divorced when I was just a child, I always looked at and focused on the divorce stats. The fact that the divorce rate in the US is 50%, and 34% in HK tells me that the odds of divorce is pretty high. So, I am reluctant to get married.

I'm not saying to never date men whose parents have been divorced, since that would remove a large percentage of otherwise normal guys. But if a guy isn’t up for the concept of marriage then find out if it’s related to his parent’s status. Whilst if a guy’s parents are divorced, find out if he’s against the idea of marriage. If your guy has a fear of marriage, he could be stringing you along for years with no plans to commit.

If it was anywhere in the Western world I would tell you that if you are tired of good looking, smooth talking men being the players and stringers, then go for a less attractive guy. Someone who’s not as outgoing but intelligent, funny and a potentially good partner. In other countries some men are very nice guys but are gun shy, don’t like to hit on women, or just not very outgoing at the start of a relationship.

I can’t tell you that in HK, because many men that can’t get a decent girlfriend can simply visit a pro in China or Macau. So now even the less attractive men are not safe! The worst guys are the ones that were turned down by girls when younger, but found out later in life they can get girls with money (not just pros). Those men make very bad partners, because they are disillusioned with the whole idea of romance and think women can be bought. Find out what the guy’s view is on sex, dating and moral issues.

Finally people are more likely to marry if they are from the same socioeconomic backgrounds. Don't crucify me here, because I am just reporting what other people think, I'm not looking down or judging. Many guys with a good educational background, money and success will have no problem dating a party girl with no higher education. But the chances they will marry such a girl is very slim. It's because guys have different criteria between a girlfriend and a wife, and he will also worry about what his parents and the people around him think if he marries someone that's not from the same background.

The guy might also have the same problems in his head if he's going to be marrying up to a girl from a rich family. He's going to worry if he can make enough money, or if the people in this new family might look down on him. Don't want to dispell the Cinderella story, and it's not impossible, but in real life it's rare for people of vastly different backgrounds to marry.

Not an easy task, it can take a while to find out some of these issues. If you ask a guy too soon he’ll think you’re a freak, and even if you ask later, be subtle and casual about it. But if warning lights flash, you better get that butterflies in the stomach feelings out of your system and reassess if the guy might string you on for years with no commitment.

Key points from this post:

Take your time, do not have sex too soon.

Never date guys with lots of friends but no close friends.

If a guy's close friends are married, he's more likely to get married.

Be aware if a guy's parents are divorced, find out how he sees marriage.

Find out if someone has a decent moral and value system.

Date people of a similar socioeconomic background. If the difference is too big it's going to be a barrier to marriage.

Be ready to leave a guy if he's got a lot of the traits that indicate he's not ready for marriage and going to string you along.

How to get a guy to settle part 3: Selection Process

2008-08-03T20:07:00.013+08:00

Before I can go further about stringers or players we need to rewind a bit. As I mentioned at the very beginning of this blog. Although women always say they want to meet a nice guy that will settle down. They are genetically driven to be attracted in the following traits in men. Intelligence, ambition, humor, physical appearance and the ability to attract lots of women. (If you're confused read June part 2).

The problem is that our instinctive drivers are not necessarily the best for us now that we're no longer cave people and progressed as a society. Let me use a different but simple example; our appetite and desire to eat even when we are already fat. If we were trying to survive in the wild with no steady supply of food, our ability to store fat is crucial to survival. But in our modern society where food is plentiful, being hungry and able to easily store fat is not a good thing, and we as a society desperately try to keep the fat off. Every year people spend tens of billions on diets, healthy foods, gym memberships and even surgery to avoid getting fat.

A woman's nature selection method for her partner might not be the best thing for herself either. I'm not saying women in her attempt to find a man that will settle down should avoid smart, outgoing, and ambitious men and pick a dumb, lazy and boring man. What I am saying is that a women should change the way in which she discovers smart, outgoing and ambitious men. This is best done by understanding how women are attracted to men.

A few years ago a book in the US got really big, it's called "The Game" and explored the exploits of the author and his friend Mystery, who was a successful player and was teaching his strategies to other men, and significantly increasing their ability to meet women and get them in bed. Mystery has since written his own book which I haven't read, but the mystery method basically used evolutionary psychology and knowledge of how humans pair bond to increase a man's chances with a woman.

The last time I checked Mystery was charging 20K USD a head in his seminars to teach men how to chat up women. Women that would normally turn down men would fall prey to men using the mystery method. He had successfully taught strategies that changed results in the how well men could get women. The men applying these strategies were not applying something that came natural to them, something that was instinctive, but something that was learnt.

Recently some girls I talked to did not believe that a woman could consciously increase her chances in getting a man to settle down with her. Those girls felt that whether we meet the right person or not was down to chance. This is probably true if you're refering to a soul mate, I can't help a person be at the right place at the right time. But there's definitely a strategy to avoiding men that are using women, and also in getting a guy that's serious.

If Mystery is able to teach men to successfully get past women's defenses when the woman is most in control (at the start when she's not yet emotionally attached and can walk away), it's absolutely possible for a woman to get past a man's defenses and have more control in her relationship.

Woman are naturally attracted to the alpha male that shows characteristics which would bring success in our society. Intelligence, confidence (but not cockiness), being a leader amongst men, willingness to take risk, etc. Women are so naturally drawn to these attributes that many girls who say they're not interested in the player types, will fall for the player if he exhibits such attributes in a first meeting. I've seen my most successful player friends disarming girls by basically displaying these attributes, and getting a girl into her comfort zone.

Does that mean the player is a natural leader amongst men? On the surface yes, but here's the interesting thing. Out of all the players I know, most have at one point truely fallen for a girl, and been burnt badly by truly liking that girl. For some reason, when they truly fall for a girl, they show weakness, and an inability to play the game they normally play, and hence the girl will lose interest.

So girls are falling for players even when they are being played. Whilst players that truly like a girl totally mess up their game. How players succeed or crash and burn tells me a lot. It tells me that woman are instinctively hardwired to like certain types of behaviours in men. It doesn't matter if a man truly like the girl, or is truly intelligent or a leader amongst men, if he doesn't play the right game at the start the girl will write him off. A girl might say she hates players but because she likes those attributes, she's susceptible to getting deceived into believing a player is genuine even when he's not.

If girls are making bad choices based upon what they're evolutionary driven to like or not like, girls should learn to bypass their instincts and apply logical strategies to their selection process. In effect do exactly what Mystery and the players are doing, which is to understand the opposite sex and benefit from it. The benefit not being getting laid, but exercising control at the selection stage when women have the most power.

Sorry doing a bit of a rewind, but I had to cover this important point before I start bringing up things a woman should look for in a man, which might be different from what her instincts are hardwired to like.

Key points from this post:

Sometimes our instictive drivers are bad for us. Our appetite is an example.

A woman's natural selection process might not be the best thing for herself.

Some men understand women better than they understand themselves and that's why these men can take advantage of them.

Mystery, a chat up artist and player had taught men successful strategies on how to get women interested.

If men could learn strategies that could get them women, women could learn strategies on how to get the right man.

A woman will have to look for attributes in men that are different from her natural instincts, apply artifical filters. (The age of commitment is one I've already explained which does not come natural to women)

How to get a guy to settle part 2: Age of commitment

2008-07-31T18:24:00.015+08:00

The first and most important thing girls need to realize is that no matter what a girl does, some men will never commit. She could be the greatest woman in the world, and those guys will always hesitate when it comes to commitment, think there are flaws with her, or look for other girls.

To make matters worse infatuation will cloud judgment. When a woman’s already started a relationship with a man that’s not going to settle down, she will hope she can change that man. At best a woman manages to pull herself away from the man with some minor heartache. At worst a woman keeps going back to or stays with a complete loser, as if she’s addicted to the man, and wastes years in the process.

So the first and most important thing is to realize men can’t be changed. Lots of women pick guys that are not ready and then hope to change them into guys that will marry. The bad boys out there that finally decide to settle down do so because they've finally gotten tired of their previous lifestyle. The girl doesn't have much control over this unfortunately.

To empower themselves women need to totally change the way they select men. Avoid starting relationships with guys that are not going to commit, and only pick those that are the marrying type to begin with.

The first criteria is age. Guys will not marry till they reach an age where they are comfortable with the concept of marriage, lets call this the age of commitment. If you meet a guy that’s younger than his age of commitment then it is very unlikely the guy will consider marriage. The most you can do is hope for is a long term relationship that lasts till the guy hits his age of commitment. But something could happen in between which ends the relationship.

The average marrying age for men in Hong Kong is currently 31.1 (first marriage stats only), and there is a distribution curve around this average. Obviously there are differences between the ages different guys settle down at, but the bulk of the guys will be marrying close to the average, the younger they are the fewer the number of guys that will marry, and same for the older you get. Note that the age at which a guy proposes is obviously younger than the age of actual marriage.

But there are also different distribution curves for guys with different educational backgrounds and socioeconomic status. A high school grad will be willing to marry earlier, generally willing to accept the concept by 23 and marrying between 25-31. The distribution curves of most colleague grads are 3 years later, willing to accept the concept around 26, and marrying between 28-33, whilst those that require the most education, or in the most competitive environments will marry the latest.

The most ambitious and career orientated guys generally want to get to a stage where they feel the most comfortable with their careers before they even think about marrying. This usually means pushing back as far as possible. These include investment bankers, those that work in the front office in a trading floor, lawyers and doctors. Guys in these professions tend to marry between 30-36.

The ranges diven capture the vast majority of the men that do marry in each of these groups. So if you want to increase your chances of finding a man that will settle down, then the man should be approaching or already in this age of commitment bracket.

If you meet a banker or lawyer when he’s only 27 it’s very unlikely he will commit, so you will have to be with the guy for 3 years just for him to get to the beginning of his range. Expect then if he’s going to be a typical banker or lawyer then he won’t be getting married till 8 years after you start dating him (age 35). That’s an 8 year investment and risk the girl has to take, and it’s not a guarantee. Often stringers will sting a girl along for 5-7 years, only to get bored and then meets someone new who they marry. The irony is that the first girl may have been a great girl and better girlfriend but the timing was wrong.

The smart and logical thing to do then is to turn away all guys well below their age of commitment, and only go for those that are already close to or in their bracket.

Key points from this post:

Some guys just won’t commit. It doesn't matter how well you treat him, and don't even attempt to change a guy.

To avoid wasting time and getting hurt identify and only start relationships with the marrying types.

Guys rarely marry before their age of commitment.

Education level and socioeconomic status affects the age of commitment. Career orientated guys generally settle down later.

Starting a relationship with a guy that’s too far away from his age of commitment is too much risk. The key is timing.

Pick guys that are already close to or in their age of commitment bracket!

How to get a guy to settle part 1: Ojectives

2008-07-30T13:02:00.007+08:00

When I speak to a lot of girls they seem to have a belief that they have very little control over what happens in relationships, and that we should just find someone we like and hopefully things will work out.

What if I told you people could have much more control over their relationships? What if you could empower yourself to find the right person and have a great relationship with that person? Finding the one is not a random process. One study I looked at was researched by female researchers who started the study because they were fed up of not finding men that would commit. Within 3 years all the researchers got married because they applied their own research to how they selected men.

The first and most important step in avoiding stringers, players, and having success in relationships in general is to understand yourself. This entire blog is actually about trying to achieve two things, one is to teach you about others, and the other to teach you about yourself.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself just from writing this blog. Who I am, what I want, and what my strengths and weaknesses are.

Most people search externally for the answer to more success, they don’t look within themselves. The reason why I say understanding yourself is important is because many women do two things that hurt themselves. Firstly women are naturally attracted to men that are the worst at committing (it’s genetic, explained in June/Chapter 2), and many try to make things work with these men hence prolonging and making a painful process even worse.

Just so all you ladies out there don’t think I’m full of crap, and you don’t believe self understanding can allow you to exercise more control over relationships, I will use myself as an example. Mainly because I actually have to deal with more issues than most people, so if you feel bad I'm right there with you.

My real father cheated on my mum when I was still a baby, and she left him. I haven’t seen him since I was a baby so I don’t even know what he looks like. My stepdad was a very responsible man, he provided for my family, but I was never close to him. So I never experienced a father/son relationship and was never close to anyone in my family.

My experience growing up is a classic case of parents get divorced when young (which is different from divorce when the child is older), lack of fatherly love, and no older male role model. People like me generally grow up with problems getting intimate with another person, and have very little faith in relationships and in the institution of marriage.

If I didn’t know that about myself, I would spend the rest of my life screwing up my relationships and won’t even know why. By knowing that about myself, I can find solutions to the problem and change myself.

Ok, so not everyone is able to psychoanalyze themselves. But everyone can do something that is very simple:

Ask yourself what you want, have an objective in your mind, and do things that work towards that objective and don’t stray. I’m surprised how so many women are successful in their careers because they have clear objectives and have a step by step approach to achieving their objectives, but in their personal lives there’s no direction, no plan, just a lot of confusion.

Are you tired of the pressure and frustration of just dating, but sexually frustrated and looking for some fun and company? Then go and find yourself a fling or fuck buddy. But you better stick to this objective. If you want casual fun, stick to casual fun, don’t go find a guy that’s just looking to sleep around, and then start developing feelings for him. If you start developing feelings for him then you better cut it off asap. You’ve moved away from your objective and setting yourself for a potentially messy and painful situation.

Do you want a relationship? If so, then are you able to break it off? The reason I ask this strange question is because I spoke to a girl last night that told me not all girls want to get married, or thinking of marriage.

Oh really? Well that’s not true, because if you think about it, every single relationship either goes on forever or ends. There is no other choice! So, you’re either going to break up one day or get married, there is no in between, unless you remain together but not married till you die.
So, are you able to "have some fun" and break up your relationships at will? If not then you better either keep it shallow, just based on sex, and never develop emotions for a guy, or you find a guy that will actually marry you in the end. Everything else in between is not clearly defined and that’s why people get hurt, and girls end up wasting precious years with the wrong guys in the wrong relationships.

It’s easy for a girl to get sex if she wants, I don’t need to teach that. So the next post will just focus finding guys that are the marrying types.

Key points from this post:

Success in relationships is not random, there are certain strategies that work better than others.
You can have control and power over success with the other sex and in your relationships.
Understand yourself.
Have an objective in your mind, what do you want?
All relationships either end one day or end in marriage.
Unless you just want sex, find guys that will actually marry you (refer to point above if you’re confused as to why). Everything in between is potentially messy and painful.

July/ Chapter 11: Stringers

2008-07-27T18:38:00.006+08:00

Most girls think the worst type of guy is the player, they sleep around or chat up multiple women but have no intension of ever starting a relationship with the woman. But actually the most "dangerous" type of men is the stringer.

Stringers are men that string women along in a long term relationship, and they will actually like the girl. They like to have the comfort of a woman next to them, sleeping with their girlfriend, eating with their girlfriend, and possibly living with her. But they will never make a real commitment, have zero intension of getting married and are totally indecisive till given an ultimatum. . Stringers are all over the place, hard to spot and could be responsible for girls ending up single for life. It’s a pretty serious issue.

Sounds scary? It sure is, but I'll explain over the next few posts what girls can do to remove the stringer problem.

A player hits on a girl and then moves on to his next target. Either he doesn’t succeed or he sleeps with the girl and then loses interest after a short period of time. But a player can only do limited damage, because he doesn’t waste too much of a girl’s time.

Most stringers on the other hand can be very decent boyfriend for many years, they will string the girl along for as long as possible till she finally breaks up with him because she realizes he will not marry her. The stringer is a lot more dangerous than a player because he will con a woman into wasting their time during the years when she is the most attractive and most likely to get a marriage proposal.

About 8 months ago I actually fell out with one of my friends because he started dating a mutual female friend of ours. My guy friend was a player, but I wasn’t judging him on that. I can’t go around judging all my guy friends for how they treat girls or I would have very few guy friends. But what I couldn’t stand was the fact that he specifically told me he would never marry the girl, but went ahead anyway and started a relationship. He thought the girl was great to him and very comfortable to be with, but he also thought she was not marriage material for him.

She wasn’t marriage material in his mind because the girl came from a wealthy family, and she quit her job because she was tired of her job. She had the luxury to do so because her family could provide for her, but in his mind this meant she was lazy and if they had a family he would be under pressure to be the sole breadwinner. He also didn’t feel that the girl could provide the type of support he needed to push him forward in his own career. Anyway, whatever the reason may have been, the guy had already analyzed the situation in his head, and decided to date her, but would never marry her.

Now, obviously things can change, maybe she’s been so nice to him he has a change of heart. I hope he will change his mind and all the best of luck to them. But as I will explain in later posts, a stringer doesn’t settle down just because a girl is good to him, and a stringer will rarely change.

Stringers are not necessarily bad people, many don’t even know how much damage they are doing to a girl’s future. Some guys just need more time, but here’s the strange thing. A lot of stringers will date one girl for years and will not commit, then he’ll find a new girl and propose to her within a year.

So there are three things girls can do to deal with stringers, and we'll examine them in later posts:

Avoid stringers altogether by only dating the marrying types.

If you think you are already dating a stringer, then give him an ultimatum.

Change yourself to make the stringer want to marry you.

July/Chapter 10: Soul Mates

2008-07-24T21:27:00.007+08:00

Having talked to quite a lot of people, I've realized that many people are still single now because they’re waiting to find a soul mate. Not many people specify they are looking for one, but judging from what people want and the type of perfection many need, we’re talking about soul mate territory. There’s nothing wrong with looking for a soul mate but I think some people have the wrong expectations of what a soul mate really is.

Ok, first of all let’s define what a soul mate is. The classic definition is someone’s other half, their twin soul, which the person is driven to find to feel complete. More generally a soul mate is someone with whom one has deep feelings of love, intimacy, friendship, sexuality, spirituality, and general compatibility. Basically, it’s a best friend who you also love and have good sex with.

There might be hundreds of people out there who could be potential soul mates for each of us. So how come some people search all their lives and never find a soul mate? That includes many that are already married.......

Well one of the main problems is timing. Someone that might be your soul mate at a certain point in time might just be a heart break if you meet them at the wrong time. That’s one of the reasons why I said it’s a bad idea to start a relationship with anyone that’s got a lot of disposable income but under 30 (usually bankers and lawyers). It’s not that no bankers get married before 30, since every guy’s different. It’s just that the average marrying age is so much higher. So a girl would have to risk years in a relationship with someone that might end up not being ready at all.

Another mistake people make is they believe that a life with a soul mate is easy and natural, and their personalities should easily click. Some people start looking for perfection in their partners, and think that everything in the relationship should click. They feel that with the right person they won’t have problems, and these same people are setting themselves up for big disappointments and potentially an even bigger loss.

People create excuses to bail out of an unhappy relationship or even a happy one because they think their partner isn’t their soul mate. I am certain many people have found their soul mates already and broken up with them because they keep looking for even better, ie something that doesn’t even exist. Being with anyone after a long time requires a lot of work, because arguably human beings are not designed to be together for multiple years without friction or problems. So those that give up on a relationship just because problems develope have probably already said bye to their soul mate.

There can be external temptations. The reason guys find it hard to settle down in a big city is because of the abundance of good looking girls. A guy might already have a great girlfriend but then meets what seems to be an amazing girl. With a new person things always seem great at the start, but there’s a difference between an infatuation that wears off later, and someone that can already be trusted.

You can’t find your soul mate if you haven’t found yourself. Lots of people don’t even understand themselves well enough, and think they’ve found a soul mate when the person is totally not right for them. It’s one of the main reasons why divorce rates are higher for couples that marry younger.

A soul mate is about finding a best friend and partner, it's not about using someone. So the gold diggers and players out there will never find a soul mate until they've learnt that the person they're with is not a free dinner or one of many people they are intimate with.

Finally a soul mate is someone we can be completely honest with. Someone we trust to love us for who we are and not who we pretend to be. There are no secrets and hidden agenda with a true partner in life, and that’s why most married couples are not soul mates. Most people have too much to hide even from their spouse.

Interview with trader girl

2008-07-23T18:42:00.009+08:00

Below is a discussion I had with trader girl. Trader girl works in the finance industry and obviously a trader. Smart, attractive and knows what the relationship scene is like, and she's pretty picky about her guys. But who can blame her?

Trader girl: So how has it been here? Anything exciting, you've been going out a lot?

CB: Yeah, a bit. Went to Taipei and hooked up with "Ms player' again. Junk trips, usual clubbing etc

Oh that’s right...how was Taipei? Assuming u had a blast…..miss player...hahhaa. Actually in Vancouver there are loads of playettes. So weird, a lot of my guy friends has had their girlfriends cheat on them or dump them

Interesting, and this is the Asian community?

Correct. I think it all comes down to choices. When there are more choices, or all choices are of the same caliber then you'll be more like to stray.

I don't get why girls cheat. Doesn't make much sense, leaving the guy makes more sense

Why do men cheat...isnt it the same thing ?

Different, men are genetically driven to wanna have sex with lots of women. Women are designed to find the best man. So if a man isn't worth sticking with, might as well dump him.

Well, thats the thing though isn't it, I tell u why women cheat. We may be interested in another guy because he's better in some way..ie better looking, smarter, richer or whatever. But we might feel secure with our man and women need security. So we cheat, sex may not be the driver, but it still ends up witth the same result

Yeah, most girls I know seem to have overlapping relationships. They won't leave the first guy till they're firm with the new one.

Yup, so women still cheat...for different reasons though, but the pain i'm sure is just as bad.

--------------

How old is Ms Player?

27, turning 28 this yr

Oh that ain’t young either. I was thinking she must be young, Good for her, i like that in a girl, finally someone not desperate for a dude

All about power

Women here are powerless and they're pathetic

lol, that bad huh?

Well they use sex to get power. ie to get a man to fall in love with them and give them money and buy them stuff. But that to me isn’t real power

Why's that?

A guy who’s rich, has the ability to dump the chick, he has the choice to walk away. Let’s face it, when the guy gets sick of u, he trashes you. What can you do? Beg him back?

But so can the girl (walk away) if she's hot enough to get multiple rich guys

She has to fuck undesirable guys. That’s like a hooker.

So what's real power?

When you’re the one that has the money or controls the relationship because then it’s your choice.

With your level of insight into relationships you find it hard to find a guy you like?

I rarely like a guy....

Figured

*When I thought about it, I knew tons of girls that were good looking, were rich or had good careers, or both. But they were all single, and that was interesting material for a new post.

July/ Chapter 9: Psychological Projection

2008-07-21T09:35:00.006+08:00

Psychological projection is a defense mechanism in which one attributes one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts and emotions to others. The theory was first developed by Sigmund Freud.

Projection is related to denial, where by the person involved is effectively denying a part of themselves that might otherwise cause tremendous anxiety. Take for example a person in a couple that has thoughts of infidelity. If the person’s own value system feels that infidelity is wrong then to consciously deal with these thoughts would create anxiety. In order for the mind to avoid this anxiety the person will keep the thoughts in the subconscious and project the feelings onto their partner.

So the person with thoughts of infidelity will then assume his or her partner has thoughts of infidelity and might be having an affair. In a way it’s a denial and pushing the blame game, but it’s totally subconscious and the person doesn’t even know they’re doing it.

The original theory focused on feelings that was shameful, obscene or dangerous, but to a certain degree we all project on to others thoughts that might create anxiety if we were consciously aware of them.

When it comes to relationships it generally happens when there’s a problem with the relationship. The most common example is at the beginning or at the end. At the beginning girls generally do it more than guys, but which ever party has stronger feelings will often use projected feelings. Lets say there’s a critical flaw in your partner, for example he specifically does not want to settle down, or she’s a manipulative user, a quality that makes a future together either a very bad idea or impossible. A person that likes the other party very much will project their feelings and won’t see the other person objectively, in fact in most cases will only chose to see the good points in what would otherwise be a flawed partner.

The reason this type of projection occurs is because there is conflict between the reality "my partner is not nice" vs the internal expectation "I like someone who will be nice to me, and I like this person hence this person must be nice". To remove the conflict you'll have to either stop liking the person or live in a state of denial, for both statements to remain in the conscious will create anxiety.

Now no one’s perfect but if the other person has some major flaw then it’s best to communicate this with them and see if they can change. If not then it’s just a waste of time and you will get hurt more falsely projecting your feelings on to them.

Usually prior to the end of relationship people do the same, but in the reverse manner. People will project negative feelings onto the partner, usually because the relationship has become boring, or the person is not happy about some aspect of life in general. The partner will then suddenly acquire qualities that are unfairly negative, such as overweight and not as attractive as before, has annoying habits, or plain annoying.

So whether at the beginning or after a long period in a relationship, it’s important to be objective with what your partner is really like, and not to let emotions cloud you see your own relationship. If they indeed do have a flaw then communicate this with them, and if they can’t change then leave them. But if they don’t have a flaw and you’re just projecting it on to them, then it might just be because you’re not happy about something in your own life and things need to change there

July/ Chapter 8: Sexual Dysfunction part 2

2008-07-20T00:31:00.007+08:00

Sexual addiction is the behaviour of someone that exhibits extremely high sex drive, and this manifests in the form of an obsession or addiction to sex with many partners, including prostitutes for some individuals. Now unlike someone that is just highly sexually active, sex addiction is like other psychological addictions where the individual is unwilling or unable to stop the behaviour despite harmful consequences.

Sex addiction affects both sexes, and can affect people of all social classes, and ethnicity. Now it's important for the person affected to know they're not a bad person, it's just a problem millions of people also suffer from. But it should be a problem that is identified and tackled because it affects relationships with those around them (friends, family) and also affects their ability to hold down a proper relationship.

The problem is generally caused by low self esteem, which could have arisen from neglect or sexual abuse as a child. If a child is neglected then it can grow up with unhealthy and negative core self beliefs. When he or she grows up then they will believe people in the world don't care about them.

The irony is that a sex addict might feel desperately lonely, but because they fear or do not believe in intimacy, they will distance themselves from a partner and have problems with keeping a relationship going. After a while the person becomes addicted the rush of meeting and having sex with new partners.

That's because they've become addicted to the brain chemicals linked to sex. For example, dopamine is released during intimate and sexual activity, and serotonin is released during orgasm. After the chemical hit though the sex addict will then fear or disbelieve intimacy can form with the person they've had sex with.

There are self-help groups to deal with sex addiction such as sex addicts annonymous or sexaholics annonymous. Therapists will use individual as well as group therapy, and focus on cognitive behavioural therapy, which focuses on changing a person's assumptions, beliefs and thus behaviour.

It's important for a sex addict to get help from an experienced and trained counsellor. But that's also rare because similar to a drug addict, a sex addict will rarely seek help unless they hit bottom and feel some sort of despair.

The last form of sexual dysfunction I'll talk about is called Delayed ejaculation. It's basically the inability or extreme difficulty in achieving orgasm, despite the presence of normal sexual desire, and sexual stimulation. Normally a guy can cum in just a few minutes, but someone with delayed ejaculation can take 30-45 min, or even longer.

Now, this might be sound like heavenly bliss for a girl, and a sure way for a girl to get mulitple orgasms. Perfect if you're fuck buddy has this problem, but it can lead to problems in a long term relationship. Firstly the girl will feel that for some reason she's unable to make her man cum and that could affect her self esteem. Secondly, if you want to have kids this could be a serious barrier.

The main reason for delayed ejaculation is adaptation to a certain masturbatory technique. Most guys with delayed ejaculation have no problems cumming during maturbation, but fail during sex. That's because they've gotten used to the pressure, angle and grip during masturbation which is hugely different from the feeling during intercourse.

There could also be physical causes such as certain neurological diseases, or trauma to the nerves in the pelvic region. Anti-depressants and the excessive use of alcohol could also cause this problem.

Assuming the cause is the first reason I've stated, to prevent the problem the guy simply needs to stop masturbating for a long period of time and get used to the feeling of just stimulation from normal sex. The guy also needs to have a healthy view towards sexuality because any anxiety or fears could cause this problem. Finally, a guy should just enjoy the experience rather than worrying if he's going to cum or not.

July/ Chapter 7: Sexual Dysfunction part 1

2008-07-17T22:40:00.015+08:00

So after watching a couple of seasons of sex and the city I realised the women in the show are pretty harsh on the guys. They joke, complain and look down on anything from a bad kisser, to guys with a small penis or bad in bed, etc.

Then I wondered, do girls in real life do this as well? Are we guys under the microscope, and get judged on how we perform? Well it depends, some girls don't talk about it at all, whilst other girls will rate a guy's performance, especially if they've broken up with the guy.

Apparently anything from "Good", "bad", "takes forever", "so fast", "shit, useless, pitiful". Yeah it seems some girls can be pretty harsh. (Think my friend was joking, but girls are more harsh if they're bitter about a break up)

Most girls say if they really liked a guy they would stick with the guy and try to help him fix the problem. But here's the thing, sexual dysfunction is usually not something a couple can fix on their own. There might be psychological or physical causes that require expert advice from a specialised sex therapist. So if you think you or your partner has a sexual dysfunction and it affects your sex life then go get a referral from a doctor.

Secondly, realize a lot of people have a sexual dysfunction. I was pretty surprised when I looked at the numbers and saw how high it was. But people generally don't want to get any treatment, because people generally feel ashamed. People don't have problems seeing doctors if they're physically ill, but most people have issues seeing doctors over mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety. It's the same with a sexual dysfunction, most people don't want to accept there might be something wrong with them.

Do not be afraid or ashamed to see an expert about your sex life, when the treatment might be simple, and the benefits could be immense. I'll describe a few common types of sexual dysfunction, their symptoms, causes and treatment.

Premature ejaculation (PE) is by far the most common sexual dysfunction. Sex therapists define the problem as loss of ejaculatory control which affects sexual or emotional well-being in one or both partners, and it affects a staggering 25-40% of men. Now most guys don't last long, the normal range is anywhere from 3 to 13 min, and 7 min is the average, whilst people with PE usually cum within the first 2 min. The main problem is when the guy cums consistently before the woman has experienced an orgasm.

The main cause for PE is psychological, could vary between temporary depression, anxiety, unrealistic expectations about performance, a history of sexual repression, or lack of confidence.

Reducing stimulation by wearing a condom could increase ejaculatory latency ( the time between first penetration and ejaculation), and alcohol can do this as well. But that's not really a solution, although devices such as an external latex rigid sheath have been developed (please be mature and don't laugh....). Anti-depressants also have the side effects of increasing ejaculatory latency.

But the best method is probabaly the start stop method. Which involves getting a guy stimulated till he is about to cum, stopping then restarting again. Repeat the method 3 times, and allow the guy to cum on the 4th time. This method basically allows the guy to gain more control, and to become comfortable with doing it with the girl. But it requires a lot of communication, understanding and work between the couple. So probably won't happen unless the couple are really in love with each other already.

A method a guy can perform by himself is to masturbate till he's about to cum, then to stop and hold the base of the penis till the feeling subsides. Keep repeating and slowly the time taken to reach orgasm should increase as the guy gains more control, and an additional effect of this method is a stronger orgasm.

July/ Chapter 6: Expectations

2008-07-15T22:30:00.007+08:00

The reason people get hurt in relationships is because they have certain expectations and those expectations are not met. In fact it’s possible to draw a 3 dimensional chart with different parameters on expectations and behaviors, and literally have a payout or result that comes from each combination of behavior and expectations.

A simplified example: Two people that are both looking for just sex will end up as fuck buddies. One person looking for sex + one person looking for commitment = a user + a broken heart. Two people looking for commitment will tie the knot.

Then you can break down even more. For example, as we’ve mentioned on this blog already, if you have a player and someone looking for commitment, if a player is honest then he won’t get any sex. If a player wants sex, the person looking for commitment must assume the player wants commitment as well. So either the player uses deception or he just keeps quite and lets the other person think whatever they want to think.

So really, to avoid wasting time or getting hurt, it’s not about finding someone you like and then building an unrealistic expectation around them. It’s simply about understanding what type of person you're dealing with and then having a realistic expectation based on what you know already deep down.

Ok, so here’s something girls need to know. If a guy is not ready to get married then no matter how great the girl is, he’s going to delay it till he’s ready. On rare occasions if the girl is really great and the guy is not ready, If the girl gives him the ultimatum of getting married or she will leave him, he might just settle. But that’s actually pretty rare. I know many couples which have broken up after they’ve been together for a long period of time. Generally the guy couldn’t take the next step, and this is despite the girl being a great girlfriend and the guy being comfortable with dating her indefinitely.

Guys generally don’t want to get married. Most guys basically view marriage as saying bye to freedom to do what they want, when they want. Not just in meeting other girls, but freedom to do whatever they like when they like. So if you want to marry a guy, you really need to have the right expectations or move on.

First sign of commitment is that the guy will accept the girl for who she is, and is willing to make sacrifices and compromise to do things for a girl that might go against what he wants. Guys naturally will do this when chasing a girl because they know they have to be on their best behavior and look most attractive to get the girl interested. After a period of a year or two, once the guy is comfortable the true self will probably show. If then the guy turns out to be a jerk then that’s probably not going to change, so move on.

Guys that are not ready will tend to find imperfections in every girl. I know my own ideal standard and the standard of many guys I know are totally unachievable. So many guys have actually turned away what would have been the best they could have gotten because of some problem that have put them off. Girls do this as well, but generally in the early stages of a relationship.

If a guy treats girls this way then he has to date enough girls and failed enough times with them to realize that everyone is imperfect. Everyone already knows that no one is perfect, but that’s like saying we all know people starve to death in Africa so we should be grateful for what we have. It’s one thing to understand the concept, it’s another to be truly grateful. If a guy is never grateful for you and finding excuses for not committing then move on.

If a guy really wants to be with you he’ll work out the problems in your relationship no matter what. Guys that don’t want to commit will take the easy choice which is to break up. If that happens then don’t go back no matter how much you want to, because almost any problem can be resolved and if the guy doesn’t think it can be then he’s not ready.

A guy who feels he’s not making enough money or too absorbed in his career won’t want to settle down either. There’s several reasons for this behavior. Firstly the guy might be practical and doesn’t want to get married when he can’t afford a wedding or home. The second is pride, and the guy doesn’t want to get married and live a low standard of living together. The third reason is simply that the guy’s competitive and his career will always be the most important. Whilst ambition is naturally the most attractive to women, and success comes from ambition, a guy that’s too focused on his career won’t settle, or if that's the case he might not be the best husband. It's why I've stated before bankers are probably the worst boyfriends.

The most obvious point would be older guys will be more likely to settle down. Of course this is not a fixed rule since some guys will settle down at 26, whilst others still haven’t played enough when they’re close to 40. But all things being equal, a guy that’s played a lot and been in a lot of flings that go no where might will one day finally get tired of meaningless fun, and settle for something that’s more emotionally fulfilling. Also, if all the guy’s friends start getting married he’s going to have fewer friends to party with, and also start to reflect on what he wants out of life. It’s probably time to stop partying once a guy’s the “dirty old man” in the club……

The important thing is, don’t have unrealistic expectations that a guy will marry you if he’s going to be indecisive and drag it out forever. It will just be a waste of time, because if a guy wants to get married, then he will, especially if he’s under an ultimatum. So, issue an ultimatum if you think he’s being indecisive. But you better stick to the ultimatum or you’re be alone one day and wasted a bunch of years on something that was never meant to be.

July/ Chapter 5: Back to Taipei

2008-07-14T20:53:00.010+08:00

It’s been 5 weeks since the last Taipei trip and I was again stuck in the airport for 2 hours eating noodles with friends. Do not ever take the Friday 8:50pm Dragonair flight from HK to Taipei. It’s always late because it has to pick up passengers from connecting flights in China, so if the Chinese flights are delayed, it gets delayed.

I was going back to visit Ms female Player. The one that asked me “Are you sure you want to do this?” last time, and left me in a room by myself at 6:30am. I was drunk last time and I wanted to go see what the girl was like when I wasn’t a caveman. Or maybe I was just a sick puppy and wanted to be dumped and wake up alone in my room in the morning.

Our flight didn’t take off for another 30 minutes which meant we probably couldn't get out to any clubs till 2am, and I was thoroughly down. So I tried to make the most of the bad situation, hopefully some hot girl would sit next to me on the flight, so at least I could chat to her and feel better about the bad start. I waited in eager anticipation, and eyes glimmered with hope each time I saw a hot girl walk down the aisle towards me. But time and time again they sat down before my row or walked past.

Finally a girl sat down next to me, and all my friends cracked up. I could tell she was probably hot some time in the distant past, but that was probably before WW2, the oldest woman on the entire flight had just sat down next to me, and the kid with her was probably her great grandson.

We did the usual rush from the airport and I headed to the club first to meet Ms Player. I didn't want her to wait any longer in case she fell asleep, because other than to have a fun holiday with friends, the main reason for having the trip was to visit Ms Player.

I finally showed up at the front entrance of Luxy and she was waiting for me. Looking very attractive, and making the late night trip to Taipei worthwhile all of a sudden. My friends finally showed up and we all headed up to the club together, and found my two friends that were already in Taipei. One of the guys was living in Taipei now, and the main reason was because of the partying and the girls. I wouldn't blame him either, I mean every guy I've met that's been to Taipei has had good things to say about the place.

We got to their table, and as expected, they had about ten girls with them. They had been asking girls to come over to their table all night, and also some PR girls from the club were there trying to get them to drink more. We all sat down and the friends that were with me started standing around restlessly. The couple that came didn't know quite what to do, whilst the single guys were trying to figure out how exactly to act with the girls.

One of the hottest girls I had even seen in a club then sat next to me and tried to get me to drink with her. She was a PR girl called Candy, and Candy made guys buy far more alcohol than guys would normally spend in a club. But Candy had picked the wrong guy on the wrong night to drink with her. Ms Player jokingly told me to hang out with Candy, but I knew all women get jealous, this was such an obvious trap and I wouldn't fall for it.

My single guy friends went on the hunt and soon it was just me and Ms Player sitting at the table. I felt awkward at first because I could hardly remember a thing from the last time we met. Pretty much all I remember was being really drunk, and then the next thing I knew I had a cute girl in my hotel room. This time I was so late I was completely sober, so I hadn't transformed into a caveman and was totally unsure about what to say or what to do.

So after 45 min of trying I just said what was on my mind............"Hey this is boring, wanna just go back to my hotel and have sex?". I knew as soon as I said that I had made a big mistake, because no girl would wanna have sex with a boring guy after a couple of drinks. So I was surprised when she said "sure".

Four hours, eight positions and two showers later, I realised why I remembered the sex last time was so good even though I was totally wasted. Finally I had found a cavewoman and she wanted exactly what I wanted, physical bliss without any sort of emotional attachment or worse, guilt involved.

The next night a female friend of mine who knew about my last Taipei trip wanted to meet Ms Player and when she saw her was surprised Ms Player wasn't better looking. Now Ms Player is good looking but my friend thought I would pick to have an one night stand with a stunning type of girl. But here's the thing that a lot of people don't realise. The best sex isn't necessarily with the best looking people. Some people are just better at it than others, and it's simply down to practice or being intuitive about what makes other people feel good.
So that's why I've stressed in this blog that learning how to be better in bed is important, it can really add a new dimension ot a relationship. Or simply drive people crazy.

Over the weekend I found out more about Ms Player during daytime. She was a really lovely girl, and showed me and my friends around Taipei for two days. She was always happy and smiling, and had this confident but chilled out demeanor that I rarely see in girls or guys.

I found out after two days that I liked Ms Player. She wasn't just a girl that had played me, she just knew where she stood and knew how to control her emotions. She walked out on me last time because she knew I wasn't ready to settle down myself. But she was still willing to have sex just because it felt good. Then I realised what it was like for girls........to sleep with someone and to start getting emotional about it, but not getting the commitment in return.

Sadly, both of us don't believe in long distance relationships, so I went back to Hong Kong with my friends with some great memories, but slightly sad and lonely inside.

July/ Chapter 4: Don't do it!

2008-07-08T21:58:00.012+08:00

Earlier I had just finished drinks with my ex and her cousin. I had been asked to come out and give relationship advice because "Cous" had just split with her boyfriend.

I haven't seen "cous" in years, but I remember she was really hot. When I went to the bar I looked around and my first thought was these girls were the prettiest girls in the place, which said a lot since there were a few pretty girls in there.

"Cous" used to be a part time model, tall, and the type that would turn heads when she came into a place. So no surprise that a few months ago when she joined her friend for a drink one of the guys in the group started chatting her up. Three months later they were dating, but it only lasted two months.

When I heard the guy's background I almost cracked up because his story growing up was very similar to mine. But without giving too much away let's just say he moved overseas when he was a kid, a banker, making good money for his age, and he's turning 30 this year. He obviously meets a lot of girls, had probably slept around a bit and definitely not in the mood to commit.

I immediately knew the type, banker with money, can hook up with girls, and no need to commit to any of them since he can move from one girl to the next. Seriously, if I had a daughter I would warn her against ever going for a banker, or any guy with a lot of disposable income.

It's a double edged sword, you got these guys that are making good money, but they have to be focused on their career and their own future to get there, and don't need to share their life with someone else. They come off as fun and charismatic, but they're that way because they don't want to settle for just one girl, and want to settle down as late as possible.

On top of meeting the wrong type of guy, "Cous" had made the classic mistake of asking the wrong questions. Questions such as, "Are you going to stay in Hong Kong?" and "Will you consider marrying?". See, she's turning 30 next year and a girl at that age doesn't want to waste her time anymore. But the problem with getting to the point is, if a guy can play around for another 5 years, asking him if he will settle down is one of the scariest questions such a guy could face.

Prior to this last relationship she was in a 9 year relationship which got messy and there wasn't any love anymore. The previous boyfriend was a local guy, and I sensed he loved her more than she loved him. She's in love with this new guy a lot more after just two months together. It's the classic tale of a girl falling hard for the "bad guy". The guy that won't settle down.

Even the guy's friends warned her to leave him, and he said bye to her, citing that she was a great girl but not for him. I told "cous", hey if I was a betting man then I would give this relationship about a 10-20% chance of going all the way. But even as we were having drinks she got a call from the guy, and she started asking what should she do to get him back.

My ex told me when she was growing up she thought it would always be her cousin that would get married first. Here was a beautiful girl who wasn't the playing around type and looking to settle down, and she was in danger of falling into the bracket of being alone. Yet even though every piece of advice I gave was to leave the guy, what she really wanted to hear was what was the best way to get him back.

It's a pity that love feels so good but also blinds us. I just hope she finds a good man that will commit, because it seems strange that she turned the heads of every guy in that bar, yet I was giving her relationship advice on how to avoid the one she was already with.

July/ Chapter 3: The pursuit of happiness

2008-07-07T20:08:00.012+08:00

One could argue, the reason we want relationships, why we have friends and seek a partner in life, is to create happiness. It’s the same reason why we work to make money, so we can afford to live a happier lifestyle. In fact everything we do in life is to attain more happiness.

Happiness can have profound properties on us. Happiness leads to longer life, better health, resilience to illnesses, and better performance at work and study. Evidence from a study suggest the difference in life span between the happiest people and depressed people was as high as nine years.

So what makes us happier?

Well first of all how happy someone is, is heavily affected by genetics. That’s because different people react differently to happy events, stressful events, and the overall contentment level can vary between individuals that have the same lifestyle.

Happiness can come from things that give us short busts of pleasure. Could be having a nice meal, or buying a new car, or even having sex with someone.

However, happiness that comes from pleasure wears off quickly. In fact, doing pleasurable activities repeatedly can often create an addiction to that lifestyle, and if the person gets too much of the same stimuli they will feel bored or sad without it. We could be talking about anything from skydiving on weekends, partying all the time, to taking drugs.

This is why I said earlier in this blog, people who party too much will find it harder to settle down even if they meet someone nice. The person won't seem important enough to make the sacrifice of a lifestyle change.

The second main source of happiness comes from family and friends. The more friends we have and the deeper the relationships with the people around us, the better we will feel. In addition to the family we were born into, getting married and creating a family of our own can create happiness.

If someone is not doing well financially or suffering from ill health then they will not be as happy. Financial and physical well being are important to our happiness, which is why generally people in developed countries are happier than in developing countries. But we only need a minimum level of wealth to feel good, after that extra wealth do not really create more happiness.

The Fourth source is having long term goals that are also enjoyable. This could be linked to work, a business or pursuit outside of work.

Last but not least, having a meaning in life is very important. There is evidence people that are religious are happier because they have a belief that is bigger than themselves. A very good family man I know once said the same about having family and children, it gave him his purpose in life.

So are we really happy, us city dwellers, especially in a city as big and stressful as HK?

In the developed world the standard of living has gone up a lot in the last 50 years, but happiness has actually gone down slightly in polls of respondents. That’s mainly because although we can afford more, we’re losing net happiness by living more stressful lives. Also, richer people will compare themselves to those around them, so it’s possible to have more money and still feel poorer. Your typical banker who's not happy with his bonus is the best example.

So although money can buy more happiness, its effect after the basic necessities of life are covered are negligible. What people need to be happy long term is probably a healthy balance of pleasurable stimuli, long term goals, relationships with other human beings, and some form of meaning in life.

Now all these points might seem very obvious. But then after reading this post your average HK person will go back to living their lives full of short term pleasurable stimuli. Almost ignorant to the fact that the very environment we live in, which is full of short term fixes makes it much harder for us to form a longer lasting relationship with anyone.

July/ Chapter 2: Getting guys interested

2008-07-03T11:34:00.013+08:00

I realised recently a woman's greatest fear is not being alone for life, not getting a husband, nor is it not ever having kids.

Her greatest fear is being labelled a slut. Now different people have different standards for what is considered "too easy". What some girls consider is ok, is viewed by other girls as slutty. But very few girls will openly go out and live a life of no shame, sleeping around with every guy that she found attractive. Something a lot of guys have no problem in doing.

There's a few reasons for this. There's the genetic driver for finding the best man as mentioned before. Then there's a lot of social conditioning driving a girl to behave in a socially acceptable way. This causes a girl to act prudishly to protect her pride and self dignity, whether it's internally, or to do with how others perceive them.

This behaviour is stronger in traditional cultures, but here's the strange thing. In Asia, girls tend to be either extremely prudish, and have much higher standards than what you see in Western cultures, or you get the other extreme, for example there's a lot girls who willingly becoming pros in China.

Acting prudishly might be a good thing in many cases but there's a couple of misconceptions that girls have.

A lot of girls feel it's bad to flirt or hit on guys. Even if a girl likes a guy she won't go after the guy but will wait for the guy to chase her. Girls need to realise it can be hard for a guy to hit on a girl as well, especially if the guy's afraid he will crash and burn, and get rejected. Maybe the guy just hasn't made up his mind and if a girl acts stand offish, he will decide to look elsewhere. Flirting with a guy can really add to a girl's chances by making the guy braver or even arousing interest in the guy when he was originally in neutral mode.

But for some reason lots of girls will wait, and let the guys lead. Or even worse, they will play hard to get and act stand offish, thinking it gives the image they are not easy, when in fact it's pushing guys away. The best thing to do is to be friendly to all guys, and taking the time to find out what the guy is like before deciding he's not the one.

I think most girls know how to flirt with guys, because when guys hit on girls and girls are interested it comes naturally. The obvious is to maintain a lot of eye contact, smile a lot, always remain cheerful and interesting. One thing a lot of girls don't realise though is if they want a guy they need to move away from their friends. Sure, having friends around for protection is good, but it can scare the guy who's worried if he gets rejected others will see.

The second thing many girls don't realise is being shy in bed is a bad thing. Lots of girls think if they seem too experienced then it might scare the guy. But there's a subtle difference between acting way too experienced and lying there like a "dead fish" which is an even bigger turn off. There's a few things a girl can do to get a guy more interested with her in bed.

Guys generally get more turned on if they see the girl is more turned on. So if you're enjoying it then show it, you probably only have a problem if you're not enjoying it (go find someone else). A girl's facial expressions can vary from enjoyment to pain, when she's really enjoying herself. But whatever the expression don't be afraid to show this.

With regard to noises, do not pretend and make fake sounds, do not talk dirty unless you know the guy likes dirty talk. Most guys in Asia do not like dirty talk. Do scream and moan naturally, no matter how loud, unless it's going to get you in trouble with the neighbours. When I was in university I used to date this girl that screamed really loud, and it was a real turn on. But I had to give her a pillow to cover her head when my house mates came home.

Telling a guy what feels good and what doesn't is also important. Since there are differences between people, what works on one person might be uncomfortable or even painful to someone else. A guy doesn't know that you're really liking it or hating it unless you tell him. But telling him is a real turn on, especially when you're cumming, there's no harm in letting him know.

Holding a guy's back and butt when in missionary position or even wrapping your legs around him is a turn on. Looking back at a guy when in doggy style is a turn on.

The first time you sleep with a guy do not give a guy a blow job if he doesn't ask for it, but if he asks for it then don't turn the guy down. A blow job and also going down on a girl is the most routine thing in foreplay, but a lot of girls either have an issue going down on a guy or a guy going down on them. There's a lot of trust involved but just relax and you're probably find it an extremely enjoyable experience. Also, remember there are other sensitive points on a guy's body, in fact same as a girl's, such as ears and the nipples.

Remember to just have fun and enjoy when having sex with a guy. Acting shy in bed is the worst thing to do.

July/ Chapter 1: June in review

2008-07-02T12:02:00.013+08:00

I went and bought myself all seven seasons of sex and the city mainly for research purposes for this blog. Prior to last night I had never watched an entire single episode of the series. I went straight to the movie but had no idea on the history of the characters.

So I went and watched the first episode of season one yesterday and found some points from that episode that matched almost exactly what we've covered in this blog in June. Theses points are from the episode, not me!

It's harder to find the right person in a big city. We don't live in an age of innocence and there's not much real romance out there. (Same here in HK, people have all this money but don't know how to really live a balanced life. Values in big modern day cities are a bit messed up)

There are lots of smart, beautiful career women in NY that are alone. Why are there so many great single women but all the great single guys are taken? (Same in HK, the small gender imbalance makes it a lot harder for girls)

Men are threatened by successful women, so if you want a man and you're successful you need to play dumb. (Definitely true for Asian men, didn't realise it was true even in NYC. For a smart girl the issue isn't about intelligence but swallowing her pride. Not saying you have to do it, that's just the way it is.....)

Women don't like nice guys or hopeless romantics. (What more can I say? Women rarely fall for the nice guys. Nice guys come off as weak and desperate)

Many men feel that marriage is about having kids, and so they delay as long as possible, and find younger women so they can still have kids or settle down later. (Guys in HK are the same. So as I suggested best to find a guy that's already over 30)

Women like to have fun and have their ways with men when younger, but then run out of time. All of a sudden a girl that was getting all the guys can't seem to attract them anymore. (Better stop playing and get serious about finding a guy to marry when you hit 25, because you got a few more years left before your choices narrow down more)

Men feel women have unrealistic expectations and want too much from a man (good career, well off, caring, won't cheat, etc). Whilst if they really want to get married they should just find a short fat guy. (Women in HK are too materialistic, learn to put less importance on the guy's earning power. Hey if you're a successful woman, maybe it's time to reverse the roles and find yourself a man that's not a banker or lawyer. You make the money, and the guy is there to support and love you)

Women feel that even the short fat men are assholes. (Short fat men might be worse. They couldn't get any in highschool, so when they make lots of money later in life they feel they can pay for girls to be with them)

If girls wanted to empower themselves they could have sex like a guy, without emotional attachments and walk away from the guy after. (Read the post about dating younger guys)

June/ Chapter 26: Dating younger guys

2008-06-30T13:06:00.006+08:00

I realized since writing this blog that there's a lot of women dating guys younger than them. The perfect example of a woman that goes after younger men is of course Samantha in Sex and the city. Now although she is a fictional character she's a good example of how an older woman can approach relationships with a younger man

First of all the idea is to have fun. Basically turn the table on the men and use them as the boy toys, when usually it's the guys treating girls as sex objects. It's a good way to boost self-esteem, feel desired, and get some great sex out of a younger guy, rather than an older guy that might be full of himself.

Okay, so you need to get a younger guy. Best way is to meet the guy in a social setting and the guy should be a friend of a friend. As an older woman, don't try meeting guys in clubs unless you're good looking. Guys in clubs are wasted half the time and looking at what girls look like, not thinking about the personality as much.

The whole chat up, yeah chat up process, should be pretty similar to how a guy approaches a girl, you literally reverse the roles. You act friendly but don't come on too strong, flirt but only enough to tease and can back off if it's not getting the right response. Be confident and be in charge, and most importantly just have fun. The most attractive people in either sex are the ones that can come across as a fun person. Who wants to hang out with a dull and boring person?

Some women are better suited to this lifestyle than others. You can only go into the relationship with the expectation of having a good time, and stick to that expectation. If you start treating the guy as a potential partner with a future together then you might freak the guy out, and hurt yourself. Instead let the guy think that way, and let his feelings build. The guy's been with younger girls so he doesn't need another needy, annoying girl he can play with, but probably finds the older woman's independence, and maturity interesting.

Also realize that whilst a younger guy can be worshipful and treat an older woman he likes like a queen, the woman might not get the same emotionally. The guy might be better to look at, but doesn't offer the woman what she needs in terms of understanding her and connecting on the same emotional or spiritual level.

Still there have been such relationships that have ended in marriage. A guy that's a distant relative of mine married someone over 20 years older than him. Whilst Demi Moore is 16 years older than Ashton Kutcher. Obviously the age difference doesn't have to be that extreme, but it shows that an older woman can work with a younger man. You just need to be in control rather than daydreaming about unrealistic thoughts of what could be with a younger man.

Interview with an ex party girl

2008-06-28T15:10:00.006+08:00

Below is an interview I made with a girl that used to party a lot, but wants to settle down now. Of course it doesn't reflect the lifestyle or opinions of everyone that goes out to party a lot but very interesting never the less.

Ok so how come you want to settle down?

Because I realized, if I don't settle down now, probably no one will want to marry me. I don't want to be single when I'm 43.

How long have you been partying for and since what age?

I'm 23 now, been partying since I was 17. But each year it gets worse. From last October till March this year was my peak season. But not anymore, I don't wanna meet any guys in clubs again.

How come you partied more and more?

Because I met more and more people and those people always asked me out. So I partied more and more and met even more people.

The guys you had sex with. Did you like them or was it just for fun?

I slept with them because I was drunk. Lonely and drunk. Sometimes I don't remember when and where I met the guys. Don't remember their names, and don't remember which club we met in, and don't remember we fucked, haha.

You were recently with a guy, what was your ex like?

Handsome, rich and good looking, but he was married.

So why you go for him if he was married?

He's been married for 5 yrs now, and I knew that before I started a relationship with him. I liked him and he treated me very well. I just wanted to have some fun at first, but after a year I was madly in love with him and wanted to have him.

What made you fall for him?

Every girl loved him, made me feel so good to have him. My friend also had a crush on him, but he chose me and not my friend. He treated me like a queen. He was my soul mate.

So if you knew he was married and everything was good why you two split up?

I slept with his friends for revenge. He was with his wife every night, so I felt I could sleep with other guys.

Ok, I guess that's fair...

No it's not. He told me he was married and I accepted that. I can't complain about that, and use it as a reason to sleep with his friends.

So what now? You going to find a new guy?

I've found a new guy already, but it's complicated.

What's complicated?

He says he wants to take it slow. and wants to know more about me before deciding if he wants to be in a relationship or not. It's bullshit, like I'm on probation. He's got all the boyfriend rights but none of the responsibilities. He kisses me, touches me, sleeps with me, but says we're just friends. We're just friends.........and according to him we're not dating each other, we're just chilling out.

So is he a local, studied overseas, or grew up overseas?

He was born in Australia, was in HK for Kindergarten, then primary school, highschool and university in Australia.

What profession?

Ibanker

Lol, I guessed he would be a banker. So how you meet him?

My friend pimped us, haha. We had sex the first time we met because I was drunk.

How did that go down?

We met in a bar with my friend, started drinking and I was tipsy. He said he wanted to play poker so I went to his place with my friend, then my friend left. I don't remember the rest very well, just that we had sex in his guest room and then once in his bedroom.

So now you're seeing this guy?

Not really seeing, just friends. If he wants me and I'm free I'll go to his place. We're FBs, friends with benefits, haha.

Right. Hey why aren't we FBs?

Because you're not my cup of tea, and he is.

Fair enough haha. So if you're going to give up on partying how you going to meet guys in the future?

Don't want to meet la, I give up. The one I love is married, and the one that I get along with just wants to fuck with me. I give up on meeting guys in clubs, and give up on guys that work in the finance industry.

Bankers are that bad huh?

Bankers are not bad, problem is they are too good. Every girl wants them. It's very hard being a woman.

Why is it hard to be a woman?

If you are not smart enough and don't have an academic background, guys don't want you, because they want a woman that can help. But if you are too smart then no guys approach you. You know la......ego ma. If you are ugly no guys want you, and if you're too pretty guys will be scared to approach you. Need to be smart and know how to play dumb.

You know how my ex's wife kept him in the marriage? His wife knows everything but plays dumb.

So what's the deal now with your current guy?

Well, last time I was out with my FB I told him I was going to leave him for another guy. He freaked out and treats me very good now. He never held my hand on the street before but he's willing to now, and he's willing to introduce me to his friends now. Sometimes you need to play games, when I'm here he takes me for granted, but when I told him I'm leaving he realized he needs me. Doesn't want to commit, but still wants me.

So I guess we all need to play smart huh?

Yeah play smart, but it's hard for a girl to play smart. Girls can be a good player before having sex with a guy. But the more a girl sleeps with a guy the less willpower she has in avoiding falling for the guy.

Cool, thanks for your time. Hey so when we going out to party?

June/ Chapter 25: Goldfinger.......

2008-06-25T13:15:00.012+08:00

It's only right that if I am to write about James Bond, I should also write about his nemesis, Goldfinger.

Now unbeknown to everyone in the World apart from myself, a select few and the late Ian Fleming (author of the James Bond books). The original character in the Goldfinger novel and later movie was meant to be a woman. A stunning looking woman who was so good at her job as a gold digger she had been bestowed most of the world's gold by the rich men under her control.

Goldfinger lives in Asia.......

Now, every girl wants her boyfriend to buy her gifts on special occassions, and would prefer a rich and successful guy, if all other things such as personality were equal. But there are lots of women in HK and in Asia in general that select their men with a very heavy weighting on how well the man can provide for her. A lot of women even date or marry men that they probably do not find attractive at all, but they stay with the man for the money and free gifts.

There's three main reasons for this. Whilst Western culture looks down on such behaviour, and has less emphasis on the importance of material wealth when picking a partner, lots of Asian cultures have traditionally put more importance on materialism. Just think about Chinese New Year, when we celebrate and wish people good luck, we offer money in little red packets. Similar customs exist in Japan and other asian countries.

Another reason is due to the gap between the rich and the poor in many Asian countries. In the West there tends to be a large middle class and there is a smaller weath gap. In HK or in large Chinese cities such as Shanghai there is immense wealth, but concentrated in fewer hands. So there is more drive for certain individuals without the wealth to pursue wealth.

Finally, big cities exist simply because they are more efficient at creating innovations, developement, wealth, commerce, etc. Big cities are more competitive and wealth is a symbol of success. Even in Sex and the City, the tagline was "labels and love", labels of course represent materialism. Big city life and people are naturally more materialistic.

The existence of Goldfinger is not strange to me at all. As I mentioned already, it's evolutionary nature for a woman to find a man that can provide. What I do find strange are the men that date Goldfinger. They must be either so rich they don't care a woman only loves them for their money. Willing to pay for a hot trophy wife or GF because the woman makes them look good, and/or ugly enough (looks and personality) to need to pay to find substitute love.

But for the rest of us, if we want to avoid Goldfinger, here are some signs we've met her:

1) She's more interested in what you do for a living and how much you make than your headhunter.

2) She doesn't seem to have a job but what she wears makes her look like a promotion girl for "Chanel" or "Jimmy Choo". (she could be daddy's princess, but that's probably just as bad)

3) It's your 4th date and you've paid for everything on all 4 dates.

4) She's less than 1/2 your age.

Here are some sure sighs you're already under the control of Goldfinger:

1) You get laid off by your bank due to the current credit crunch. A week later you return home and find your woman is gone, along with all the stuff you've ever bought for her. On the bed you find a note that says. "PS, I will always remember you!"

2) You're rich but don't trust your finances with anyone. As you go to bed one night with your woman next to you, you bring up the topic of signing a prenuptial agreement before getting married. She immediately puts her finger over your mouth, says "shush, don't think so much baby" and then proceeds to give you the best blowjob you've ever had in your life.

3) One day to your astonishment your girlfriend tells you she's pergnant. You're astonished because she was meant to be on the pill, and you were wearing condoms. Then you take a look at the box of condoms and find someone's used a pin to prick little holes in all of them. (Actually this strategy of getting pregnant was probably used on a guy I know)

4) Your will was last edited for you by your wife who's 60 years younger!

June/ Chapter 24: James Bond

2008-06-23T14:06:00.013+08:00

So the other night I was out with a friend that was definitely a player, but he didn't think he was. Then it occured to me, I had written a post in my blog about how to spot players, and I had over simplified it. I had focused on liars and people that use deception when it was much more complicated.

Now I asked a bunch of people what they thought a player was and I got loads of differen't responses, here are some of them:

"Someone that doesn't care about a girl's feelings."

"Someone that knows a girl has feelings for them, but has no intention of giving her anything back, and uses her for self pleasure."

"Someone that sleeps with more than one woman in a relatively short space of time."

"A guy that can't settle down and moving from one girl to the next."

"I don't have a definition but I have an auto detective sensor for players when I am near one!" ............!

"You!" <----- aya.....

How people define a player simply depends on their own value system. Hey if it was up to God to judge players, anyone having sex and not married is a player! There seems to be a range of definitions rather than a fixed one. But there's two main groups it seems, one group of people feel players are just guys that don't want to commit and can't settle down, in fact anyone that has a one night stand is a player.

Ok, so according to this definition I agree I'm a player. But I'm not exactly a smart one, I mean come on, I post my party life up on facebook and ruin my own chances, and I've had one girl tell me she liked me until she read about my Taipei trip on this very blog. It's pretty deliberate, I believe it's possible not to lie and deceive and still have fun with others, that way no one gets hurt.

The other group feel that a player is someone that takes advantage of a girl's feelings and using a girl for their own pleasure. If a girl is willingly going for the guy despite knowing what he's like then she's not getting played. So really the second crowd believes players are simply wrong because they are using a deceptive screen. Well it's true, I mean the players I know have a lot to hide all the time, and everything seems like half truths. Even facebook party pics are detagged because it's too incriminating.

But there are four aspects of players and girls that fall for players I find interesting.

Firstly, players that use deception honestly don't think they are players. It's not that they don't want to admit it because if they do then it's incriminating and could ruin their reputation. In their mind they honestly do not see themselves as a player.
Now when I say this I'm not judging, because I realise society and morality is not as black and white as I thought it used to be. But I just find this psychological thought process interesting, like it's some sort of self justification.

Secondly, not all players are just looking for one night stands and sex. Lots of players also date girls and will genuinely like them. The only difference from a normal guy is the player doesn't want to commit, or his selection criteria is so selective pretty much no one can fit the mold. So in part 13 when I gave advice on how to spot a liar, it was too simplistic. It's much harder to spot someone that actually likes you enough to date for a few months, but has no interest in commitment.

The third interesting thing is the super player. I know one guy who's likes James Bond. In my mind he's the perfect player and as a guy I have to worship him. Hey, who doesn't worship James Bond? This guy will be able in a very short space of time get lots of girls to like him and sleep with him, and not just normal girls, I mean hot girls. He sometimes even has a female entourage follow him around. Plus I'm not talking about Edison Chen or anyone famous!

He's got the perfect mixture of good looks, smoothness, charm and attraction. Damn, wish I could interview him for my blog.

You girls might now read this with disdain, by that I mean my respect for James Bond. But here's the fourth interesting thing. Girls will still fall for guys they know are definitely players and then will justify wanting to be with the guy. Just last night I spoke to a friend that said her guy specifically told her he will not commit, but she still wants to be with him.
When you get up to the level of James Bond, it's like seeing a mythical creature with supernatural powers at work. Women will willingly fall for the guy even when it's against their best judgement.

So back to definitions, according to the second group's definition, if girls know a guy is playing around and still falls for him, then he's no longer guilty of being a player, right?

Girls can be super players as well. Just look at Samantha in sex and the city, and I know a couple in real life as well. They basically are like the Sirens in Greek Mythology, drawing men to their own doom. So really, all is still fair in love and war.

Just one thing that a guy friend correctly pointed out. The only people that should not be touched are the really nice girls and boys out there. If a player finds a really nice person, gets that person to fall for them and then ditches the person, the player should really burn for their sins.

June/ Chapter 23: How to improve your sex life?

2008-06-22T22:42:00.014+08:00

"Can you explain more about the sex part in relationships...so far from what i've seen..despite all this crap in magazines that men want sex more than women...it's the opposite..."

This is a question someone just asked me on this blog, and it's probably one of the most important issues in a long term relationship.

Over 54% of couples in the UK state they have a stale sex life, or no sex at all prior to getting a divorce. Over 10% of couples even state a bad sex life as their main reason for getting a divorce, so whilst many people try to downplay the importance of sex in a relationship, it's highly important. Even if the subject is nto important to you, it might be to your partner. There's been loads of books, and thousands of research and case studies dedicated to the subject.

It's hardly a secret that if you don't love someone, or worse, resent them then you won't want to sleep with them. How healthy a couples sex life is in a relationship could be a barometer of how well the relationship is going. If there is something else causing the relationship and sex life to deteriorate then fixing that problem will naturally fix both. But what if your sex life being bad was the cause of a relationship failing? It would seem strange that something that feels as good as sex can be neglected but it often is.

First of all do realize that just because you have less sex now than at the start of the relationship it doesn't necessarily mean your partner loves you less. Sex drive is stronger at the start of a relationship because it's a pair bonding mechanism, so we've evolved to want to have more sex at the start of a relationship.

Secondly, everyone's sex drive is different. Some people want to have sex everyday, other people only want it once every week or two. The difference doesn't have to mean one party loves the other party any less. Just like the differences in other areas of the relationship, people will see things differently or have different needs. It requires communication and compromise for couples with different sex drives to avoid any problems.

I know first hand what that feels like because even after dating the same girl for years I would still want to have sex everyday. Every single girlfriend I've had, hasn't wanted it as badly as myself after a long period of time. I would assume the person that asked me how come guys want to have sex less than girls probably experiences the opposite, she probably has a stronger sex drive than her partners.

There's two ways to get your partner to want to have more sex. Firstly, get really good at it, and understand what makes your partner tick. If sex for them is a really good experience then they will naturally want more. No one wants to feel like they're just some sex object for their partner's sexual needs.

It's not possible (too lengthy) to teach sexual technique here, for that I'll have to start an entire new post, but if you want to improve sexual technique the best way is to watch porn and then experiment with your partner. I'm not friggin kidding, if you want to get good at it you got to learn from somewhere or it'll just be a hit or miss process. Some people still have reservations or old fashioned thinking when it comes to sex and that's why they don't get good at it.

Western porn is too mechanical and fake. Japanese porn is the best, and I mean mainstream stuff without any weird fetish crap (unless you are into fetishes!) . Japanese porn usually features girls that are off the streets and their reactions are qenuine, they really are enjoying it rather than making fake screams. Watch it with your partner, even joke about it, but make your partner comfortable and understand it's a tool to improve your own sex lives.

Experimentation is very important. Try different techniques, and positions, try using toys and dressing up. But the important thing is knowing that everyone is different. All those magazine quizzes about sex and sexuality are generally a pile of crap, because sexuality is one of the most subjective of human experiences and there's a lot of variance.

The other poster said basically she's tried to spice things up and it didn't work. Now I don't know what spice things up meant for her and her partner. Maybe it wasn't what the partner needed. Spicing things up doesn't have to be spontaneous, you can always discuss with the partner what they want. Having talked about it doesn't mean the sex is any less exciting or romantic.

But if spicing things up really doesn't work and your partner's sex drive seems very low despite you trying the right methods there could be external or psychological factors at work.

1) Overwork or high stress. HK is a very stressful place and most people are overworking. If someone is too tired after work, they might just want to chill and then fall asleep. I'm not really a big fan of HK lifestyle, people are too obsessed with money. If you and your partner are close maybe you can discuss that what your priorities are, and money and career isn't everything.

2) The person might have found you or themselves physically unattractive. If it's yourself then you might want to get in shape, or maybe your partner is asking for too much, it all depends. If your partner is not comfortable with him or herself but you feel fine then it's important to let them know.

3) Something else is affecting their mood and emotions. Maybe your partner is depressed about something, could be work or family issues. Whatever it maybe, get through that with them first.

4) They might feel their sex life is not good compared to others, work less at it and then it gets even worse. Seriously, not everyone's sex life is as glamorous as the movie stars, and from what I've heard from girls and what's on the net I'm guessing most people's sex lives are pretty mediocre. In which case no point putting yourself or your partner down by thinking your sex life is not as good as others. Rather, work at it.

Worse comes to worse, change your sex partner. Seems like everyone else is doing it in this town.........unfortunately......

June/ Chapter 22: Warriors, part 2

2008-06-20T11:53:00.017+08:00

The guy in the Pic in the last post is a friend of mine that served 2 tours in Iraq. He, like the rest of the US military are volunteers. Different people have different reasons for signing up, but he believed in serving his country, and risked his life for it. Politics and justification for the Iraq war aside, this was a guy totally selfless, facing the heat on a daily basis, and risking getting sniped or getting hit by an IED (roadside bomb) whilst on patrol.

He was a warrior but he was still scared. What kept him going was love for his country and protecting his bros in Iraq that were on tour with him. Compare that with self serving HK people.........hmm

One of the greatest warrior cultures that ever existed was in Sparta (Greece) 2,500 years ago. The Spartans would train their children from the age of 7 so they could become fighting machines. Back then the world was brutal and entire nations would be pillaged and wiped out by invading armies. Living in a peaceful society, we can only look down on a world of warfare. However, on an individual basis, men were a lot more virtuous and selfless than the modern man.

One of the most famous battles in history was the Battle of Thermopylae, which was depicted inaccurately in the movie '300'. In 480 BC the Persian army invaded Greece, and the Persian army was huge. Modern consensus is for 150-200 thousand men. In order to hold the Persian army back long enough to let the rest of Greece arm itself, King Leonidas and 300 of the best Spartan warriors headed to a narrow pass in Northern Greece. They picked the pass so it could act as a bottle neck so the superior numbers of the Persian army would have less effect.

The Spartans, their warrior slaves and allies numbered only 7,000 and they held back the Persians for 3 days. But in the end the Persian army found a way to circumvent the pass and to surround the Greeks.

Knowing encirclement was imminent, King Leonidas sent most of the allies home, and then the Spartans and a few hundred more decided to stay and fight to the death. Now this was not just for honor, it was because the men who were about to die knew that if they retreated and lived, Greece would see the battle as a defeat. On the other hand if they sacrificed themselves on that ground in defiance of the Persians, all Greece would be inspired by their self sacrifice. So that day they all died for the greater good of their country, their homes, and their loved ones.

Virtues and self sacrifice........

How many men in HK knowing their families would be enslaved would commit outright suicide for the city of HK, and for their families? Ok, so maybe that's too extreme and unrealistic, but most people here are on the opposite side of the scale, they're self serving even in their relationships and marriages, and that's why relationships fail.....

Of course I am generalising in this post, but I speak the truth. Guys in HK rarely fight. Maybe the triads fight, but your regular guy only knows how to shout. I've seen guys shout before, a disagreement breaks out and then both guys pretty much shout "bring it on" and "diu lei lo mo" 20 times, before they walk away without a punch. I swear I wanted to grab both of them and beat both their asses for being pussies.

This is your typical HK warrior:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0k4mHSOHsI

The guy didn't punch the other guys, but punched a girl. I mean was this video meant to be a joke? In fact I am sure annually, more men beat their wives than beat other men. Who wants to take a bet?

Someone on another thread asked, what are the qualities of a guy a girl should consider a keeper? Ok well, this might sound corny, but my favourite movie is Gladiator and it's my favourite movie because the character Maximus is what I think is the ideal man. He's a superb warrior and fighter, but a family man and loves his family more than anything else. A real man is strong on the outside and soft on the inside, which is unfortunately the opposite of many HK men.

So, we're in a pretty tough situation, hmm. HK people are generally too self serving when it comes to relationships, and we as a society are the victims of our own selfishness. To be fair, it's not just here, it's everywhere, but in a big city like HK there's more of it.

At this point you will ask, are there any men with virtues in HK? Are there any selfless warriors who will think of their women and family before himself? Yeah of course! But you might never notice him because he doesn't earn lots of money, and he's quite and not as outgoing.

June/ Chapter 21: Warriors, part 1

2008-06-20T03:58:00.018+08:00

Yesterday I was trying to get home after having drinks with friends at exchange square. There were no cabs so I went to the airport express to get a cab, but not down bottom. The fastest way is to get a cab is on the ground level where people are getting off.

It's the quickest because there are no queues. which is why it's also brutal and interesting to observe, you'll see people rushing to and fighting over cabs.

After a while I realised I might as well have turned on the discovery channel and watched Hyenas fight over scraps of meat. It was a big free for all with absolutely no rules at all. Anyone that was polite and didn't rush in front of someone else would not have gotten a cab. I saw men push in front of women, women in front of men, and people shouting insults. The funny thing was everyone was wearing a suit.

Humans are very adaptive creatures and behaviour changes depending on the environment, the culture we live in, and what others are like around us. When I started researching for this blog, I realised a lot of the research and articles that apply to Western society, apply very little or not at all to HK and Asian society. For example, in Western society men value more independence in a woman. In Asia men value more submissive behaviour. The difference is pretty much all down to differences in culture and society.

But are we adaptive or just slaves to our environment?

If we were to judge society in terms of morality on a sliding scale, on the one side you will have virtues (moral excellence), on the other you would have vices. HK is one of those places which has so much sin, even good people will adapt to become more selfish. To illustrate this, let's look at a short list of what virtues and vices are (there are more but not listed):

Virtues:
Altruism
Benevolence
Chastity
Commitment
Compassion
Courage
Fidelity
Fortitude (the moral courage to do the right thing despite opposition or discouragement)
Honour
Idealism
Integrity (basing actions on consistent framework of principles, opposite of hypocrisy)
Loyalty
Purity
Self-discipline

Vices:
Cowardice
Corruption
Dishonesty
Dishonor
Greed
Ignorance
Indulgence
Infidelity
Pride
Promiscuity
Selfishness
Vanity

I highlighted in bold the 3-4 most important points which pretty much leads to the other virtues and vices in the group.

HK and many other large cities in the world would be best described not by virtues but by vices. It gets that way because big cities are about earning money and then indulging in a better lifestyle. But the temptations in a city like HK are so bad that I've seen good men become corrupted, because doing the right thing is seen as silly, naive or boring, whilst doing the wrong thing is celebrated. There is very little morality in HK, and hence why there are so few nice guys, why there are so many players, and why men are cheating.

But women are not much better in this town. Lots of women cheat as well, and women in this town are very materialistic and greedy. A man's wealth and earning power is a lot higher on the selection list of HK women compared to other places. I've been on dates before where at the end of the meal the girl just sits there and doesn't even say thanks because she feels she deserves to get dinner from a guy. I also know for a fact that when a lot of girls go shopping they tell each other to get their boyfriends to pay for things they want.

What are we HK guys? ATM machines?

It's a two way street, and the price for a town with more fun, and more material wealth is that for the most of us personal relationships suffer and we'll be lonely. If there was karma, and punishment for sin, then collectively as a town we reap what we sow. Now I'm not preaching or judging any particular lifestyle, I'm just reporting the truth.

Ok, so now you're wondering what this post had to do with warriors and why did I post up a pic of a GI in Iraq? Let me get to that in part 2.

June/ Chapter 20: We're the same baby

2008-06-18T23:50:00.006+08:00

Guys wanna find out what makes girls tick, and girls wanna find out what makes guys tick. Now a lot of articles and books focus on how different the sexes are. But in reality some of the most important things that makes us attractive to the other sex are very similar, especially in a long term relationship. Here's a few of the similarities.

1) Be exciting. One of the main reasons girls fall for guys that are players over the nice guy is because the player can provide excitment. Or a sense of mystery and adventure other guys in the crowd can't offer.

Guys are the same. We've got a mother already, so we don't need to marry someone that's going to care about us, but going to bore us to sleep. The mistake that both guys and girls make in a long term relationship or marriage is they fall into a boring static routine. Some people are fun at first and then become really boring to be with after a long time. If that happens before marriage then the relationship drags out and the couple might have to break up after a number of years. If it happens after marriage then it can lead to divorce.

So always make life together fun, evolving and something for the other person to look forward to. Now unfortunately in Asian society lots of men and women lack or fear the spontaneity which makes this work, because they feel it's intimidating to the other person to try new things. But then why do people in long term relationships or marriages in Asia still get bored?

2) Women love good sex, and I'm not talking about the loving part, I'm talking about the orgasm. Since women don't need sex the way men do, when they do have it a guy can make a huge difference if he's good in bed. So if a guy can't make a woman cum through intercourse alone he should really spend more time on foreplay. Girls want to get more physical when it comes to sex.
But here's the thing, guys are not just physical when it comes to sex. That might be the case when it comes to an one night stand or casual sex. However, when it comes to a long term relationship the same routine with the same person will be boring. So a little sizzle and excitement rather than mechanical routine is key.

Also, realise that guys have emotional needs when it comes to sex in a long term relationship. When guys want sex in a long term relationship, it's not just about the sex. If you don't give it to him, he will feel something is wrong with him and won't feel loved. So being a good lover is important to both sexes.

3) Women generally want a man they can respect, we all know that. Now in Asia it's slightly different because lots of men fear women that are too independent or strong. But it's important for a woman to have her own life as well, to retain some sort of independence. It can be scary or boring for some guys if a girl just made the guy her world and didn't live a life of her own. So it's important for the girl to have her own social life and hobbies.

Note this is very different from acting aloof and detached, which some girls do. It's about being indepedent and still loving the other person. Not about living your own life and having a toy boyfriend and girlfriend on the side.

I have heard of some men in HK who do not allow their girlfriends to have any freedom. Many won't let the girls see any guy friends, and some won't even let them hang out with female friends if out late at night. A guy like that is pretty insecure about the relationship and his control over his girlfriend. Some girls can put up with that, but even as a guy I can't really respect that, because the same guy will then get bored with his submissive girlfriend.

4) Life is tough and it's like a battlefield out there at work. When we get home after work, we don't need to face an asshole or a bitch. We want to feel loved and supported. Girls definitely want that, but guys want the same. Guys can act tough at work in front of other people but might have problems they have holed up inside.
If a girl really wants to be special to a guy then it's important to support the guy. But in addition to that, it's important to be able to push him gently in the direction which helps him succeed.

A friend on mine once told me he knew his girlfriend wasn't the one for him because she couldn't challenge or inspire him to be a better man.

June/ Chapter 19: Mere mortals

2008-06-16T22:07:00.023+08:00

Last Sat I almost killed myself. I went to the megajunk party and because all the boats were tied together, everyone was jumping off the back. I went to dive off the back of one of the boats and slipped whilst jumping. This resulted in me over rotating and landing in the water flat on my back. My head missed the back of the junk by about 6 inches.

I've almost died or been seriously injured 5 times before as well and it's changed the way I see life and people. I'll post 2 of the incidents here.

When I was about 15 I got totally wasted at a beach party in Repulse Bay. Back then I didn't know how to control my alcohol consumption, it's not like I can now, but at least I don't have any death wishes.

For some reason that night I couldn't remember my home address so I told the cab driver to go to Queen Mary hospital which was the nearest landmark to my parent's apartment, about a mile away. I then decided not to walk down Pokfulam road, but down a foot path which was in the woods above Pokfulam road, and ran from the hospital to the HK University apartments a mile away.

The path was 3 feet wide, had no railings, at several points was 5-6 meters above the ground and running rivers...........and it was raining. I remember vaguely that I was crawling down this path. Now it takes about 15 min of fast walking to cover a mile. So I am sure I was in that pouring rain crawling for over an hour. What I find strange from the whole episode was I didn't fall off and die, and I had the survival instincts to get down and crawl but I was too wasted to even remember my own address.

About 2 years ago I was skydiving in the US and starting my AFF (accerlerated free fall) training when I almost had an accident. Parachutes these days are not opened by a rip cord, but by a small pilot chute that is pulled and thrown into the air. The small parachute opens and then drags the main chute open. It's tucked into a pocket at the bottom of the whole pack and rides around the level of the butt on the ground.

The first jump in AFF involves jumping with two instructors. One on each side, who keep you balanced as you do procedures such as practice pulls, and altimeter checks. When I went to do a practice pull on my pilot chute however I couldn't find it! What I didn't know was that in the air the entire pack floats up so the pilot chute is around the level of the lower back.

When I was unable to reach it I looked down and to the right to find the pilot chute which was a big mistake, because changing body posture just slightly changes how the air flows over the body and movement in the air by a lot. By bending to the right I put the 3 of us into a spin, and one instructor got thrown off, the other instructor then quickly pulled my pilot chute.

When the main parachute was open I looked up and the strings of the parachute were all twisted, because the parachute had opened whilst I was still spinning, so I had to kick out of the spin. To top it all off, the radio they stuck on my chest to teach me how to land the parachute wasn't working, so I had to land by myself.

Apart from not being able to find the pilot chute I was pretty calm the whole time, and only realised I had nearly killed myself when I saw the stern look on my instructor's face back on the ground. The main danger when someone goes into a spin is they lose consciousness if the blood comes out of their head. But my only thought at the time was "damn, I had just wasted US$270".

The other 3 incidents includes nearly getting run over twice. Also one time when the car I was in totally lost control on a country lane whilst going about 80 miles per hours, driven by my intoxicated GI buddy that had just returned from Iraq.

These incidents made me realize two things. Firstly I am retarded and the only reason the natural process of selection did not remove my dysfunctional genes from the gene pool was luck. Secondly, although death was a real issue in our lives most people act like they aren't aware of it. Being aware of it makes me live life differently, and relate to people differently.

A good example of how behaviour changes is if a doctor tells someone they are terminally ill. Provided the person isn't too bed ridden to do anything, that person's behaviour would change drastically. They would surround themselves with people they care about, spend laviously, and probably go see places they've always wanted to see. But they could have done that already even if they were going to live to 100.

Humans act very differently depending on how much longer they know they have to live.

Religious people that are convinced they are going to heaven when they die (live forever) will have very strong motivations to pursue a lifestyle linked to their belief. Now I say convinced because most religious people are just religious for their peace of mind, and wouldn't make real sacrifices for their religion.

The person that knows he will die soon will make the most of their lives.

But the average person is generally churning along and wasting their lives. Now I don't just mean the person that bums around at home. I personally think workaholics and people too concerned about money have it wrong as well. I love money too, since I need money to party, money to go skydiving, to go on holiday, to enjoy life, and to ensure my kids have a good lifestyle. But money should be a tool to live life more, not to be a goal and measure of achievement in life. Most people in HK are just too wrapped up in money and materalism, to the point where their careers come before their families or relationships.

We're born, we study, we work, then we die, could be tomorrow or 50 years from now. I don't really fear death, just the fear that I have not lived life fully.

I've had my share of memorable experiences, hiking in Nepal, skydiving, and traveling around the world. But with regard to relationships I got plans as well. I party pretty damn hard, more than most people I know, and that's because I'm still single. In fact I turned it up a couple of notches in recent months since I'm going to be 30 soon. Within a few years I know I will be married, and I don't want to have any regrets when I get married because I don't want to cheat on my wife. That's my reasoning behind the partying.

As for family and kids, I don't think I should have one unless I could give them the best life possible as well. Which contrary to what some HK people think, is not just about an affluent lifestyle.

If everyone else took some time to think about the time they have on earth and what they want to achieve, then lots of people will live life differently as well, and treat those around them differently.

June/ Chapter 18: Strange things happen on Friday the 13th

2008-06-14T09:35:00.021+08:00

Friday the 13th, 2008 was a weird night.......

It's been raining in HK for over 2 weeks now. I was standing outside one of the local clubs which tries to be rather exclusive, waiting for a guy friend of mine and some girls, so I could take them all in. The girls were from Taipei, but I had never met them before. It was just a coinsidence that I was meeting Taiwanese girls a week after having the best weekend of my life in Taiwan.

They were late. Obviously being late is not just something girls in HK do. It's universal.....

I couldn't stay long that night because I had a birthday party in another club to go to. Which was a pity because partying is rarely good in the first hour when everyone is sober. But I did my best to be friendly and make the girls feel at home in HK.

There was this group of guys I knew in the club and I went over to chat to them. The guys had a guest in town, a tall athletic looking black guy from England. He used to play rugby, so we were on that topic initially before we started to talk about girls. He told me rugby players get more girls which I agreed was probably the case in England, but in HK a guy will get more girls with a BMW Z4.

One of the guys brought over two cute girls he just met, and seemed very proud of himself. The grin quickly disappeared when I immediately hugged one of the girls because I already knew her. She was a flight attendant, and it was always good to know flight attendants because they know lots of flight attendants. Then two more girls I knew were walking past so I introduced them to the guys as well. At this point tall black guy was really happy, he was on a business trip in HK and I think Friday the 13th was turning out a lot better than he expected.

There's a degree of respect and envy guys have for other guys with a lot of girls, whether those girls are just friends or "scores".

These girls we were bumping into were just friends, in fact a few of the girls read this blog. But the guys didn't know that so I was seeing the respect on their faces. Finally, the Taiwan girls came over to chat, and we were now surrounded by girls from all sides. Tall black guy looked around himself and then stooped down and asked me........ "Do you play rugby for Hong Kong and were you on TV or something?". Hmm no, and given where I live I still rather have a BMW Z4.

The rain had finally died down so I made my way to the second club and found my friend and her friends pretty drunk and merry already. I jumped straight into the vodka, and looked around. Wow, my friend's friends were pretty cute! This was going to be a good night.........

One thing I've realised about myself is I am boring when I'm sober and have nothing to offer a girl in a club. I obviously come off as a sleazeball, and girls are digusted by my mere presence. That totally changes after I have a lot to drink. I'm still a sleazeball, but the girls either can't see it anymore or they don't care! I think it's a combination of the two. I mean if girls can fall for players, they can fall for me, right?

But the thing is I can't remember what I say and how I say it when I'm drunk. So I set myself a mission for the night. I was going to get drunk, and then do what I normally do, but I had to remember exactly what I did and said, and how the girls reacted to that.

So I downed 2 vodka redbulls (had been drinking before that) and then started. I looked around and there was a girl next to me looking pretty bored. She was pretty attractive and wearing a jacket so obviously had come straight from work. I had things easy for myself that night, since everyone was there for my friend's birthday. So that already took care of breaking the ice. Normally I think I just walk up to girls and ask them if they want a drink. Or worse, grab someone's hand and say hi with a ridiculous grin on my face......
That also meant we had something in common (the birthday girl) and topics to talk about. Once I got the girl comfortable, we went to dance and had a good time. But she had to leave due to work the next day, so I just gave her my contact details and left it at that.

By this point in the night, it was getting impossible to control my mind or to record my thoughts anymore. I was turning back into a caveman with no inhibitions, and the price was I wouldn't be able to remember clearly how I got there.

This is when the night got really surreal.

I stated chatting to another girl. She was cute and wore a nice dress, after a brief chat (the contents of which I could not rememeber) we were grinding on the dancefloor. After 10 min of dancing I had her in my arms, and moved behind her, holding her around the waist from behind. I even kissed her on the neck and saw she enjoyed it.
Then she disappeared and I couldn't find her. Ten minutes later she was saying bye to the bday girl and everyone else, including me.......... and she was holding some guy's hand. The girl had a boyfriend, I just didn't know.

Sniff........

Ladies, please understand cavemen have feelings too.

Ok fine, so I'm down but I'm not out. I was still having a good time, despite my jaw having dropped for a second there. So I started to talk to girl number 3. I could tell immediately she was a tough cookie and not easy to crack, and the only thing I could remember in our conversation was asking her what type of guy she thought I was. I remember she said I was the "Cool" type, which I found amusing. Little does she know how uncool and stupid I really am.
The important thing is, I was half way there, and all that counts is the end result. We were dancing close together which means she didn't think I was a weirdo, and attracted.

That's when the bday girl pushed me away and waved a big no, with her forefinger, then dragged her friend away. As I stood there bewildered the bday girl's boyfriend puts his arm around my shoulder and whispers in my ear. "Dude, she's married..........for two years now......"

Sniff.........

Cavewomen are a lot worse than cavemen........

June/ Chapter 17: Some answers

2008-06-12T20:03:00.011+08:00

A few people have asked me if I was writing about them in this blog. The situations in this blog are not based specifically on anyone's lives. There's a couple of things people have said or done I've put down. But it only seems to some people I am writing about their lives because this blog is meant to be about issues that affect many people.

This blog is a pretty heavy read, but it's not meant to make people over think or take the romance out of relationships. It's meant to give honest answers to questions that I always get asked, and strategies on how to get a nice guy or improve the quality of our relationships.

I write this blog for several reasons. I've always been interested in understanding how people think and why they behave the way they do, it's why I took psychology at university. Relationships is a very important topic in our lives, for guys as well as girls. Guys don't think about relationships as much as girls therefore it would seem strange a guy would write about these topics, especially a rugby playing, weight lifting, weekend party animal. But that's why I can see and write about things girls can't really see or relate to.

In recent months, talking to girls I know in Hong Kong I've realised there was a lot of girls complaining there aren't any guys they could find to have a decent relationship with. It's true, Hong Kong is one of the few places I've been to where there are so many attractive and interesting ladies in their 30's because they still have not found the right person. It happens everywhere but very extreme here, so I wanted to examine why.

Finally in researching for this blog I've learnt a lot about people and about myself as well.

June/ Chapter 16: Cheating

2008-06-11T20:18:00.013+08:00

Society views cheating as bad, but that's a really simplistic way of looking at cheating. For one thing, across borders in the East and West over 50% of people have cheated at some point in their lives. So looking down on people who have cheated or who cheat is usually hypocritical.

In the UK, 47 per cent of married men, and 35 per cent of married women have cheated. This includes sexual as well as emotional affairs that reach a level of intimacy which would be just as damaging as a sexual affair. That's just married couples, so I am sure even more single people have cheated.

From what I've seen and heard in HK, over 50% of men cheat. But before the ladies point fingers, a lot of girls cheat as well........I know first hand. Also, a lot of girls don't even realise they are cheating when moving from relationship to relationship. Many girls will stay in a relationship when they are not happy or satisfied rather than breaking up, and will only leave the guy once they have found someone better. This form of relationship hopping is the same as cheating because it's usually overlapping, and involves hiding the facts from the first partner, until the girl is sure the new partner is better.

I've also cheated myself. Cheating used to be something I totally looked down on, and I didn't do it till my last relationship because I wasn't happy. But it was a mistake, and cheating is still always bad. But at least now I know why people cheat, and know calling it bad is too simple.

There are several forms of cheating.

1) The I don't give a damn about this person affair. Some people are just with another person for companionship, and they don't really care about the other person or their feelings. Since they don't care they will go do whatever they like.

2) The do I still have it affair. Lots of middle aged men who've never cheated get this urge because life has gotten so dull after many years of married life.

3) The revenge affair. Some people are so bitter from a relationship they will deliberately cheat and let the other person know for revenge.

4) The I am in love but still going to cheat affair. Lots of people have a stable partner but things have gotten stale and boring, but they don't want to split up with that partner because it's comforting and beneficial to be with that person. So to add excitment or pleasure into their lives they go cheat.

5) The I am not happy affair. sometimes a relationship is missing something, or isn't working right, or something needs to change. When someone in a relationship is not happy but not ready to give up on the relationship, they will make this mistake.

I'll analyse the last two types.

With regard to in love but still going to cheat........Marriage in a lot of Asian countries seem to be different from the West. A lot of married couples seems to have accepted that as long as the husband provides then the women will pretend they don't know the husband is cheating. In the West marriage is seen as much more sacred and cheating is a much bigger sin.
In HK a lot of men have paid for sex, I am guessing at over 50%. It's one of the reasons I feel divorce rates are lower in HK (34%) compared to the US (55%). Obviously there are other factors such as a later marrying age.

The strange thing is, a lot of men will truly love their wives and still go pay for sex. For them, this form of cheating is simply a physical and not emotional thing, and a release of sexual desire. It's very common in Asia and not looked down upon at all by the men. In the US or Europe paying for sex would have a stigma attached to it and looked down upon even by men. I don't quite know how to judge this yet, because although it seems wrong, it's kept a lot of marriages together.

With regards to the I am not happy cheating........Sometimes people grow distant, there's no passion anymore, things are boring, communication has broken down, and then you realise there were a bunch of differences between you and your partner you had never seen before. When someone else comes along at at such a low point in a relationship and they seem fun and attractive, the cheating is about finding the comfort and companionship you can't find in your own relationship.

Cheating can be a good thing if you realise that you are at fault yourself, and you have not put the effort into the relationship that your partner deserved and that was the reason for more distance being created. If you come to this realisation and the other person is still important, then go fix the problem and treat your partner with the same respect, and renewed effort as you would with someone new.

If there are problems with your partner and even though you've tried to communicate and improve the situation and it still doesn't work, then it's time to split up. But it's much better to get to this stage without ever having cheated in the first place. At least that's fair and honest.

What ever the reasons for cheating. There's a three golden rules. Cheating is like opening pandora's box, once you've done it once it can't be undone and it's much easier to do it again and again. It's possible to cheat on one person and never on anyone else. But once you've cheated on that particular person the relationship becomes a damaged product.

If you do cheat, never be honest about it. Honesty is always good apart from this situation because is totally destroy's a partner's trust and peace of mind. Someone once told me what the wife doesn't know can't hurt her. Hmm, I wouldn't want to cheat when I'm married but I understand where the guy is coming from.

If you cheat and you want a soul mate, someone who you can share absolutely anything with. Who is your best friend, and who you can be completely honest with without guilt or shame, you can forget it. Now most people don't even have a partner like this, because most people can't get to this level of honesty with another human being. But if you cheat then at least part of you will always be alone.

June/ Chapter 15: Why Hong Kong Men can't settle down

2008-06-11T07:20:00.014+08:00

Hong Kong guys are very different from guys in other places, so I've been told by a number of girls that have dated guys in other countries and then come to Hong Kong. It's the same thing I hear over and over again. HK guys don't want to commit, they break things off soon after sleeping with a girl, and cheat more than guys in other places.

Now before my male brethren label me as a traitor, let me add that I am generalising. There are nice HK guys out there, just that the proportion of players vs nice guys is higher than other places. Also, I don't see myself as a nice guy, I try to avoid breaking girls hearts, but I've yet to settle down.

I'm just trying to give an honest picture of HK guys. Never the less I'm watching my back because the next time I walk down Lan Kwai Fong I expect someone to shout. "Hey isn't that the fucker that said we're scumbags? Kick his ass! $#@!$"

Ok, first of all let's see why HK guys are the way they are........

There's slightly more women than men in HK, and as we examined in the game theory part a gender imbalance causes big changes in courtship behaviour. If a guy knows there are lots of women around and he can shop around then he can afford to settle down later and play the field for longer. Even if a guy is in a relationship he can afford to shop around because if the relationship fails he could start a new one possibly with an even better girl.

Even expat men pick up on this pretty quickly, and a lot of expat men date differently in HK from the way they would if they were back in their home country. So it seems it's an environmental factor rather than some sort of local Chinese cultural factor.

HK is located in the center of Asia and HK people are pretty mobile. HK people travel more than people in most places, more than the average American or European. Which means that girls in HK are not just competing with one another, they are competing with girls in mainland China, Taiwan, Thailand, Macau, etc. This includes sex workers, and if a guy pays for sex and is sexually satisfied and doesn't need someone to lean on, then they can focus on their career and skip the relationship part altogether.
Also, remember guys learn off other guys. If everyone was faithful then a guy that cheats stands out a lot. But because so many guys cheat, guys will feel less morally responsible to stay faithful especially when their friends do it.

Most HK men, even Western educated ones are still influenced by traditional culture. Most Asian cultures are still biased when it comes to gender, and in a relationship the man has more power than the women. This has changed quite a bit in HK in the last 20 years. Women now want to get a say in their own relationships, especially career women who have clout in the office place.
Most Chinese men however still want their girlfriends and wives to be submissive. Or even if opinionated and career focused, not as strong or as successful as they are themselves. So the sad thing is, in a traditional culture, the stronger and more successful woman has actually a smaller pool of men to pick from. Not only does she have to find a man who she can respect, but someone who won't run away because she's got her own opinions.

For expat women the scene is even tougher. There are several barriers. There's the cultural barrier which exists anywhere in the world between people of a different culture or race. Generally HK men also prefer the cute, young, and slim looking type of girl. Then there's the point I made in the paragraph earlier, since lots of HK men don't want a woman that's more dominant or outgoing than they are, they don't want to date expat women. You will see expat men with Chinese girls all the time, but will be lucky to see an expat women with a Chinese guy once a month. I know of two girls that's moved away from HK now specifically because they couldn't find a guy to settle down with here, and needed to move on to find a man.

Ok, so how are the girls going to fix this situation? Well, at the very least apply the right type of strategy. Hey if I was playing sports and I wasn't good at a sport, I can't really get much bigger or faster, but I could improve a hell of a lot by practicing the right techniques and strategies. Same here, you can't get much prettier or younger again, so apply the right strat.

1) Be realistic rather than living in a sugar coated idealistic version of reality. If the situation is not good then it's not good, deal with it. Don't live in an idealised world which is different from the environment you are in. That just sets you up for disappointment.

2) We're smart creatures and can think past our own instinctive desires. That's why in previous posts I've highlighted many times how women are instinctively attracted to jerks and put off by nice guys. But maybe then, consciously knowing this fact, you can consciously pick to be with a nice person. Rather than just relying on the butterflies in the stomach feeling that gets you a nice date for 3 months, and then disappointment after. Don't just rely on feelings.

3) Be more flirtatious. For some reason lots of HK girls think being flirtatious means they come across as easy or slutty, and opens themselves up for meeting the wrong guys. Wrong! HK girls that are defensive in that way just come across as unfriendly and snobbish. The most attractive girls I know are friendly to every guy, and really nice, so they will end up having more guys like them and will have more to pick from. Not every guy is a player and when a girl immediately indicates no without learning more about a guy she's reducing her choices.
Flirtatious and friendly girls that know how to keep the situation under control have a lot more choice.

4) Use your head. Try to analyse a guy and the relationship clearly without emotions clouding your thoughts. Learn to seperate emotions from the business of finding a guy. Girls can do it at work, and girls can give good advice to their friends, so they need to be able to step out of their own shoes and judge a guy without emotions affecting judgement.

5) Be feminine and not too dominating, Asian guys like that.

6) Use sex. Trust me, sex can be a powerful weapon to controling a guy. Lots of girls will have less sex when they feel unloved or unhappy and this in turn means the guy will think less about her and more about other girls. Sex might be a physical thing for a guy, but in a relationship it's still an intimate and pair bonding experience. Don't make the situation worse by cutting a guy off. Just don't have sex with a guy too soon.

Basically, my advice are all based on focusing less on emotions and being more consciously smart about how things really are. I know it's hard for a woman to do since women get quite emotional but that's the reality of it all. If you play golf and don't have the right technique, you can do what feels best but you're going to hit the ball less, or you could learn a technique that feels unnatural but bring greater rewards.

If all else fails, move somewhere else......

June/ Chapter 14: Marriage

2008-06-10T12:59:00.010+08:00

Now excuse me for being pessimistic but my real parents are divorced. My mum and stepdad are happily married (I think), but I don't know what my real dad looks like because I haven't seen him since I was 2 years old.

Sob stories aside, I don't quite get why people want to get married in the first place. Now a few of my friends are married, a few more are getting married soon, and I was the best man at my best friend's wedding. So I'm familiar with the whole process. But what's the point of the whole thing?

Now just about all girls want to get marriage one day, and of course us guys are the ones to propose so guys want to get married as well. But do people even know what they're getting themselves into? The divorce rate in the US is about 55%, in the UK it's 42%, and in HK it's 34%. The rate is probably only lower as well in Asia because so many men visit professional sex workers. There's no data on the percentage of married men that visit sex workers, but I would guess it's more than 50%. Don't believe that figure? There's 10,000 sex workers just in HK, and more in Macau and just across the border, and they serve several men a day. Since most guys don't go regularly, that's a lot of men and a huge market.

When I look at the figures I realise that either most people are not really in love when they marry and only do so because they think they should. Or they are in love but fall out of love over the years. I mean when I look at most of my friends, most people have never been in relationships for longer than 2-3 years. When people find out I was in a relationship for 5 years, they go wow. But really, I don't think that's a very long time. If I get married soon, live a full life and never get divorced I'm going to be married 10 times longer than that!

There are some real distinct advantages to marriage. It's a social norm. Society judges people and because our parents are married, and everyone else is, it's better to get married rather than well......fuck around forever.
It's a better environment to have kids. A guy once told me he's given up finding the right girl for him, since that girl doesn't exist. Rather, he'll settle for the mother of his children. You'll be surprised how many men decide to finally get married because they realise they too are getting old and need to have kids soon if they want them.
Economic union. Now I don't know whether that's an advantage or a curse. Depends if you stay married or divorced I guess. But certainly with kids, it helps a couple budget and work together as a unit to keep the family going.
Commitment. Someone once told me nothing's different now that she's married, but it showed commitment from her man. Yeah, I agree with that one, if a guy can't even buy a ring and settle down, better ditch the guy because he probably never will.
People get lonely when older, and it's nice to have someone to count on in times of need.

But although there are advantages to getting married the divorce rate is still staggeringly high. Also, many married couples stay together but are not happy, and the men cheat whilst on "business trips". So what's the problem here? The fact that people want to get married even though the divorce rate is so high tells me people have hope their own marriage will work and be different from everyone else's, even though they themselves are in the pool.

The problem is most people try to achieve those advantages from the wrong perspective. I've seen big fancy weddings before, and the girl wanted to have a big fancy wedding because it was meant to be her "big special day". What about the next 50 years? Firstly, don't get married because of other people, seriously, you have to live with the person, not your parents or the 200 guests at the wedding you're trying to impress

Secondly, don't just focus on yourself, your needs. That's why marriages fall apart in the first place, people thinking about themselves when it was meant to be a partnership. When a marriage fails might as well throw away the wedding pics of that grand wedding....

What about kids? We only get to live once, and now we've evolved to be animals that understand our own needs beyond our evolutionary instincts, it really isn't a smart idea just to have kids for the sake of it. Kids that grow up in broken marriages don't grow up in a healthy environment. If people really want to get married, they should be creating a partnership with someone. To think of the other person as a partner in a team, and not cater to just one's own needs. Most people can't even do that in a 2 year relationship, and that's why the relationships fail. If you're always thinking about what you want in a relationship then it's best to just fuck around forever, at least it's more fun...

The one thing worse than being lonely is being lonely whilst in a relationship.

June/ Chapter 13: How to spot a player

2008-06-09T16:51:00.010+08:00

"Don't hate the player, hate the game."

I read that on someone's facebook profile before. Seemed like a bit of a push of responsibility to me, but I don't look down on players. I've got several friends that are players, and they're really fun guys to hang out with. I don't look down on them because they're doing what most guys secretly want, which is to sleep with lots of girls.

Where I think a player is wrong though is when a player uses deception and lies. Since most girls don't want to just have a purely sexual relationship a player needs to get most girls to believe he's interested in them enough to want a proper relationship. That's not cool because although it might just be a game and sex to a player, for the girl it's a broken heart, a sense of stupidity for being duped and quite a bit of mental anguish. We all draw lines in the sand when it comes to morality. For me lying and deceiving a girl that likes a guy is where I don't think guys should ever go.

(you don't know how much this moral choice has killed my success rate, if any girls out there just wants to have sex, please contact me, thanks)

So to really find out whether a guy is genuinely interested or just looking to have sex but pretending, you just need to know how to spot a liar.

First step is be aware of your personal feelings about the subject. Do you really want to know? Some people willingly blind themselves and accept a lie as fact solely because the truth might be too painful to handle. Women are very intuitive, and can read a lot into whether a guy is a potential mate of not. But at the same time they can be amazingly blind to a guy that is not trustworthy, because their own desires for the guy clouds their judgement.

Secondly you need to know how the person talks and acts normally. A person's normal conversational habits and body language is called their baseline behaviour. So their normal pattern of speech, eye, hand and body movements during a normal conversation with no pressure or lying. Variations from this indicate lying. One of my player friends once brought out a girl he was "working on" at the time. I couldn't believe his voice when he talked to her because it was so gentle and sweet. I almost wanted to puke up, punch him, and slap the chick for believing any hetrosexual male with no agendas talked with such a sweet voice.

Body movements and eye contact patterns tend to change when someone is lying. Ask the guy if he really likes you and look him in the eye. A liar will either avoid eye contact at the moment of the lie, or will maintain eye contact more fiercely than usual to "sell" the lie. Lying causes stress so there are stress gestures such as rapid blinking, swallowing, and figeting in some people.

Some people need to think when they lie. There will be a noticeable pause in speaking as they think, and they might look up to the right, which stimulates the part of the brain linked to imagination (making things up).

The most important step to spotting a liar is being able to access the situation clearly and without emotions. Not an easy thing to do! What ever you do, don't start projecting your desires on the other person. So assume they are not lying just because you are in love with them, or assume they definitely are lying because you are upset.

Finally there are a couple of pretty obvious things. Don't sleep with the guy too soon. Some players will give up because they have no patience to go through a lengthy courtship process. Also, a player will very rarely bring the girl he's working on out to see his friends and other people. That's because it's embarrassing to bring a new girl out every week, so if a guy truly likes you, he'll be quite happy for you to meet all his friends.

June/ Chapter 12: Confused

2008-06-09T08:19:00.008+08:00

Girls confuse me......I know most of the time why girls do what they do, but I'm still confused because a lot of the time it lacks logic. For example. When a girl is distressed about a guy or a relationship she will go to her friends for advice. Her friends most of the time will give her logical sound advice, which is often ignored anyway because the advice conflicts with the girl's desires. A couple of months later the friend giving the sound logical advice will find herself in the same situation. But then she will need to get the same sounds logical advice she already knows from her friends. I guess it's not so much the advice, but girls just wanting to be heard when hurting. But it's not very logical is it? You might as well write down the advice you give to your girlfriends on a card and read it back to yourself when you're in the same situation.

But then again, maybe it is all logical since girls are very emotional creatures. So what does this have to do with girls and sex? Well, I've realised girls are pretty illogical about sex as well, and that's because they get emotional about it. A few years back this girl I was hitting on went out with me and my friends. She got drunk and we went home together. Then we started dating, and for 2 years as well. A few weeks after the incident she tells me, if she never got drunk and we didn't have sex we wouldn't be dating now.

Hang on a minute, that makes no sense at all. If she didn't like me enough to date me before we had sex, then why did she want to date me after we had sex? What I didn't get at the time is that sex for a girl is an emotional pair bonding experience. So what about one night stands and flings? Lots of girls have one night stands these days, so surely now that we have contraceptives, girls are able to treat sex as simply something fun and physical, right? Only sometimes....

The reason most one night stands happen after a girl's had quite a bit to drink is because she needs to get rid of her inhibitions. Those inhibitions arise mainly because of two fears.

1) That she's labelled as a slut, because whilst a guy that sleeps with lots of women is seen as a stud, a woman that sleeps around is seen as a slut. Yes pretty unfair rules of judgement from society, but there are reasons for this. Read chapter 3 again about how single mothers are a burden to society.

2) That the guy is just using her, and she might be abandoned after having sex with him.

For the girls that have one night stands or flings. At the back of their minds, the girls fear being used but also want to have some fun, so need to get themselves drunk to remove the fear of being used. Maybe it's the girl who is using the guy, maybe she is able to seperate the physical from the emotional and just have some fun. But only some girls are able to do it, and/or some of the time.

A lot of girls start off in control and not serious, and then some time later, their MSN or facebook status changes to "I hate all men" or "All men are assholes", etc. (yes, stop doing that). Here's something most people don't realise. Sex is more important to a girl than a guy. That seems like a strange statement, because girls don't need sex the same way guys do, and aren't driven by it. Generally sex is bad for a girl, because most guys cum before a girl has her first orgasm. But if the sex is really good, lasts for a couple of hours and the girl has multiple orgasms, she'll go crazy about the guy.

For a guy, good sex is just that, it's physical. For a girl, good sex means she starts to think about the guy in an emotional way. It's strange, and I'm all confused still.....One thing's for sure. If the sex is really good, and the girl starts liking you, but you don't like her, don't want to date her, and don't want the associated guilt trip of telling her to leave you alone.........do this. BE A NICE GUY, call her up 3 times the next day and tell her how much she means to you. Send flowers to her on day 3. She'll think you're a clingy freak and tell you to back off! Problem solved.....

June/ Chapter 11: Girls can be players as well...

2008-06-08T12:26:00.014+08:00

I really wasn't impressed. The weather had been crap for a week, and it was still raining outside the airport. I was eating a bowl of noodles with my travel companion, compliments of Dragonair. My flight had been delayed 2 hours. Which meant we wouldn't land till after midnight. Considering I was in Taipei for just 2 nights, I was in serious danger of losing one night of partying due to this delay. I wasn't too happy, because we got two $75 coupons and I thought I deserved a free meal at a Michelin 3 star resturant.....

The girl I was with was moving to the UK to work and touring Asia before she moved away. It was the second time I had seen her. She was a friend of my friend in the Netherlands who I had never met either because we were friends from internet gaming years ago. It's weird going on holiday with someone you don't know, introduced by someone you've also never met. But the girl and myself are both party animals and found it easy to click. Guess this is proof that the internet can bring people together.

We met the girl's local Taiwanese friend and her male "companion" at Room 18, a popular local club that many HK guys go visit because of it's reputation of having some of the best looking girls in Asia. 15min and 6 shots each later the girls were soon grinding on the dancefloor. Whilst male companion was standing by the wall looking really bored, and being really boring. I found out later male companion was a rebound. Poor guy, totally out of his element, standing in a club probably madly in love with the girl in front of me, ignorant to the fact that he was just a meat popsicle. Girls can be very cruel too....

My other friends from HK arrived and soon the place was packed. Lots of guys standing around, just staring but not chatting up the girls. The Taipei clubs are different from HK clubs, there are more guys and fewer girls. But this is the strange thing, because you would think with more guys the girls would be even more defensive than the girls in HK. But the clubbing culture is very different. Girls are generally a lot friendlier and willing to chat to guys, and even sleep with guys without getting emtionally attached.

Everyone had a very good night except me..... Our local Taiwan friend took meat popsicle home, so my travel companion who was meant to stay at her friend's place bangs on my door at 5am. Shouting at me, attacking me, and demanding I go out to party. Finally I got her to shut up and go to bed.

Next day the whole gang did the usual eating, shopping, sight seeing, and back massages that comes with most Asian holidays. The only thing worth mentioning was the t-shirt I bought. We walked into a shop and the first thing my friend saw was a t-shirt that said "I am single" in big bold letters. With a little persuasion I bought the shirt to wear for that night's clubbing.

It's not easy wearing a t-shirt which depending on how you perform basically translates to "I'm a total loser" or "I'm a stud". I've realized girls are the most biased creatures on earth when it comes to picking guys. If a girl likes the guy he can be a complete dick and she will ignore his actions, but if she doesn't like the guy then everything he says sounds repulsive. By wearing this t-shirt I was basically magnifying this behaviour several fold and sticking myself under a microscope. I thought it was pretty negative overall and ruining my chances for the night, but it was damn funny and I wanted to see if I could score.

I got stares from the moment we started queuing to get in.

Alcohol is very important for courtship, it makes guys brave and makes girls loose (great line from a movie). It's great fun to see people removing all the layers of inhibitions created by society. People would have a lot more fun in life in general if they were more relaxed about certain issues. Problem is, it's hard for people to be responsible, do the right thing and still be relaxed about doing what's fun.

1 flaming lamborgini, 2 vodka limes, 1 vodka redbull, 2 heinekens, 2 whisky and cokes later (I forget the rest)..........I had gotten pretty brave. Walked up to a table full of girls dressed up as nurses and just started snapping pictures without worrying the guys on the table would kick my ass. I had successfully regressed to a caveman........in a "I am single" t-shirt....

Met up with a girl that I had met on the internet. I called her out because I wanted to see what she was like in person. We hit it off really well and had a lot of fun together. The great thing about drunken fun is if you get to the right zone, and you're with the right person, you will walk away with the best memories. No worries, no holding back, just do what feels right at the time.

Two hour later we were on our way back to the hotel, and the only thing I could remember from the short cab ride was the girl asking me "are you sure you want to do this?". Huh? What does that mean? I'm a guy and I was drunk, why would I not be sure about this? That's like asking a dog that hadn't eaten in 3 days if it wanted to chew a nice fat juicy steak! My drunken brain started thinking lots of weird shit:

Wait..........she's not looking to get married is she? What did she mean by, "are you sure you want to do this?" !!! No one told me there was a damn law in Taiwan where if a tourist slept with a local girl, he had to marry her or gets a life sentence, or the same thing. That's insane! Why didn't any of my guy friends warn me.......? This is worse than HK, I came to have some fun here, not get married!

Then if occured to me, no that's impossible, she can't be that crazy. Who wants to get married after 2 hours of drinking? (Britney Spears) Look, calm down fella, more likely she's like a black widow and just wants to use and abuse. At least she's kind enough to ask me if I was sure I wanted to do this!

The sex was really good, but I couldn't even remember passing out. When I woke up it was 6:30am and the girl was gone. No chatting, no breakfast together, no questions about what last night meant for me. Just me and my pillow and the great memories from the night before.

See, girls can be players as well.........

and I love it!

I later chatted to the girl. She said it didn't really make a difference if I was just there to play, or I was interested in a relationship. She just wanted me to be honest and we could go forward from there. If everyone had the same attitude (being honest with what they want) then people would be having a lot more fun and a lot fewer people would be getting hurt.